HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I've been hovering around outside Hobbit's Bar for a while...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2355930-Can-a-marriage-be-saved-from-a-passionate-affair-UPDATED

I've been doing okay, moving on slowly, finding my fabulousness again, even going on a couple of casual dates.

4 months on from separating, ExDH still sees DCs in the family home, we have a large blended family - his 3 adults sons, 2 of my DCs at home, 1 joint 3 yr old. We have maintained a civilised friendship despite his cheating fuckwittery. OW lives with him in a flat we own, but he refuses to involve her with any of the DCs or family.

He's saying he wants us to work on reconciliation, and can't let go, and isn't committed to OW as he loves me still. I have said he made his choice, he's living with OW, and everything he says is meaningless whilst that's the case.

But I am totally mindfucked, and have crashed back down to being a weepy mess, pining for a cheating cunt that I still love, with a massive ironing pile and shit loads of housework not getting done, and the school hols looming ominously.

Anyway, just needed to exorcise my sob story - ply me with cocktails, get me shitfaced in the Bar, and tell me to KOKO, please you lovely, brave people....

Bambino his lies certainly don't help you. You sound nice and positive and having that mindset helps. At 24 you have the best years of your life ahead of you. The most important thing you can do is focus on yourself and your children which it sounds like you are going to try to do. KOKO.

Myturn welcome to the bar and sorry to hear about your situation. The early days are so hard, all consuming and you probably feel like your life will always feel as horrific as it does now. I promise you it won't always feel as bad as it does right now. (I didn't believe people who told me that neither)

Try not to look too far ahead, just concentrate on now. Getting through the next hour rather than the day itself. There is no right or wrong way to deal with any of this, only what is right for YOU. We all deal with things differently, in different ways and in different timescales. What is important is how you feel and what helps you or not.

In circumstances such as these people do want to help and be there for you. People do lead busy lives but your family and friends will help support you through this. Pleased you rang your friend.

Know that it will get better and that you will get through those moments when you've had enough and want all the pain to stop. All of us who have been in this bar for a long time have posted similar to what you did last night and all of us are still here. It may still be hard but it is nowhere near as hard as it was back then.

The only reason why we wouldn't want you to be flooding the thread is because we don't want you to feel that bad, but if you feel you need to please flood away and we will do our best to try and help and support you through this.

I found it helpful to get my thoughts and feelings down and if months down the line you're having a shit day and think you're not making any progress it does help to read back and realise that you have made a lot of progress.

I hope you have a better day today.

Hello Truly I remember your thread from a few months back, I think I posted on it. I think you had a bit of a hard time on your thread and I'm not surprised you stopped posting.

I think your situation is a very difficult one to be in and I'm not surprised that you are struggling at the moment. I think your husband doesn't have much incentive to change things while he is getting the best of both worlds. Living with OW and seeing you and DC's in the family home. It would crucify me to be in your position, waiting and hoping he will see sense and come home.

Sometimes the truth really hurts and facing up to the truth of what our husband's are really like is one of the hardest things to do. Your husband sounds like he is hedging his bets and isn't prepared to let go of OW unless he knows you would take him back and forgive him. He also doesn't want to let go of you because you are his fall back option if it doesn't work out with OW (sorry I know that sounds harsh).

So you are effectively in limbo waiting for him to decide what he wants. He hasn't had to face up to the possibility of losing you because he knows you would take him back if he's not with OW. I think while you are in this situation nothing will change for you emotionally, it will stay hard and you feel this utter pain while you are in this position.

If he really wants to be with you and to try and make your marriage work and he is sincere about being faithful in the future and working on issues where he thought it acceptable to have an affair nothing will bring that home harder to him that facing up to the possibility of losing you. Give him a timescale where he has to decide by and mean it. If he wants you he will come, if he doesn't come then it wouldn't have worked out anyway because he would not have been prepared to put the hard work in to working on your marriage.

If you love someone, you put them first. You would do anything to avoid hurting them. Your husband is putting himself first. You will get a lot of support on here whatever you decide to do, but I fear you won't be able to begin the process of trying to heal while you are in limbo. I do feel for you.

Getting shitfaced sounds like a bloody good idea to me. KOKO

Iwashappy - thanks for the support.

I've been moving on quite nicely - seeing lots of friends, feeling good about myself, remembering that life can be great regardless of cheating arseholes, trying a bit of dating - but decided I wasn't ready for it, and also exDH found out which caused huge jealousy (ahh, the irony).

I know it would be easier to have minimal contact with him, for him not to see children in family home. But with such a large family, there are too many occasions where we see each other anyway - and we are both committed to minimising the impact on all of the children - adult and those at home.

Telling him he has made his choice, only results in him texting me more, and finding reasons to have more visits to the family home.
He's doing this knowing that it is putting increased pressure on his relationship with OW, causing arguments and excluding her...but he doesn't seem to be able to definitively end it.
And we had agreed some timescales to resolve things, but I've backed out of some of them, uncertain as to whether we should reconcile or not.

Anyway, I've joined Hobbit's because I really want to just try to move on with my life, leave him to his limbo state, find my 'fuck it' mojo - and join forces with you strong, resilient people.

Coming back out of hiding, because I'm hitting shit bottom again from his refusal to let me go, or do anything remotely decisive - and just need to vent, laugh, and get shitfaced with like-minded people who won't bash me from finding this shit so hard and exhausting....

Hope I'm welcome.

Hi Truly, I don't feel I can say welcome because I'm new here too and it's my first visit.

I just wanted to give an update. I told two more acquaintances today (both about the death of dog and DP) and didn't cry once. New achievement unlocked.

A few more bills/accounts sorted and solicitor instructed about the house.

He's on his way round now for takeaway and film night.

Hi Myturn - I hope you have an okay evening - and eat some of that takeaway...

I'm sending you a hug for how well you're managing with sorting things out so early on.

And it's the friendship, or potential loss of it that is more unbearable than losing the intimacy of being in a couple, I think.

Yes, I feel as though I've lost my best friend amongst many other things.

I'm returning the hug

Well, I didn't even know this thread was here. I'm 5 months (exactly today :() into this. And having a hard time at the moment.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/a2331324-Gambling-unreasonable-behaviour-6-months-rule

• that's how it began. Now - our house is being sold and completes on August 3rd. I am buying a share of a shared ownership flat for me and our DSs (5 and 3), but don't have a completion date and expect to be temporarily homeless. He is still living in our house but - allegedly - moves out on Tuesday.

It was all going - well, not ok, not ok at ALL, but it wasn't terribly awfully acrimonious and nasty until about a month ago, when he met someone else. A lady he's now referring to as "the love of his life". I have no feelings for him, I wouldn't have him back in a gift; I'm not struggling with a sense of loss over the relationship at all - but the anger and rage and stress over having to deal with this vile, nasty emotionally abusive POS for the next - however many years - makes me feel sick.

Our decree nisi was in front of the judge yesterday. So in 6 weeks it could be over. I spent yesterday in a complete ferment of anger and sadness and rage. Not for what has gone but for what never was. For the absolute sham and masquerade and joke of a marriage/relationship we had. I have had no emotional support, just suspicion. He would think the worst of me, never the best, in any given situation. I seriously question whatever it was that got us together in the first place - well, he presented himself differently, and almost 9 years ago I wasn't picky; I settled for somoene, anyone who was interested, and who expressed a desire for children. Obviously I wish I'd been more discerning but I thought I was standing at the door of the last chance saloon. I was only 32. What an idiot.

He is not right in the head, extremely difficult man, definitely has a lot of borderline traits.

But it's the anger today. It's sitting in me like a physical pain, and I don't know what to do with it.

Hi MrsMartin your stbx sounds scarily similar in behaviour, not issues to mine. I left my H in march and things have been quiet, excepting some email fuckwittery but I havent progressed to divorce yet. He mentioned it to me a couple of weeks ago ie; he wou8ld like ti "sooner rather than later" which prompted an email asking what he proposed regarding the finances. he queried that, "what about the finances???????"

He has had no legal advice and I think expects me to walk with nothing.

I'm not doing anything more as yet but I know this will be nasty when it happens. However, have just read your post and realised I need to kick things off regarding the 6 months thing. I am two months away from that hitting me.

And yes, the masquerade and joke of a relationship was mine too. I also would have taken anyone on who showed an interest at the time (I was 38 and wanted one more child - which we didn't manage to conceive - Im glad of that now)

urgh Ailurophile - yeah the 6 months thing. there were several forms to complete for the unreasonable behaviour, and you have to give dates of the incidents that you're citing, and if the last one was more than 6 months ago, you have to detail your living arrangements, I assume to demonstrate that you hadn't been living as husband and wife. I didn't have to because so far as I was concerned the last incident was February 14th, and it's still not 6 months. Whether he gambled then is irrelevant but it was when I found out, and it was what went along with it that constituted unreasonable behaviour.

I didn't use any of his other abusive behaviour as evidence, but I could have. There was no need, what I had stacked up sufficiently. If I had, I'd have needed dates and details. Which I didn't keep a track of, since it was just so pervasive in the relationship. :(

I wouldn't have been able to demonstrated (in all honesty) that we hadn't been living sufficiently separate lives, had we passed the 6 month deadline. Because although we had had not slept in the same bed for months, I was still shopping and cooking for him, and doing laundry. I still do - and he does as well, to be fair - family laundry but not cooking, and barely any shopping for him. Since he has met this new woman, he's cooking for himself (if he's home at all), but that's only in the last few weeks.

I just don't get why it has to be so nasty and acrimonious, and why he has to be so utterly hostile and uncommunicative - while expecting me to do him favours if he needs them (he asked to borrow £15 last night!). It's insane. It's no adult. It's not reasonable. I mean, I've not been under any illusions for a long long time about his lack of reasonability, but even so, I am upset daily, pretty much, because this man still has the power to surprise me, push my buttons, and make me angrier than I have ever, ever been. We're so close to the end but this last little stretch has been by far the hardest. I'm falling apart and I really don't know how I am still breathing through it.

MrsMartin I totally get you.. Mine is the same..we can go for days/ maybe a week or two with nothing at all, then I get hit with something random from him that lures me in. I know the ladies on here promote the no contact thing, except for anything to do with the kids. I understand why they say this now (I am a name-changer but regular here btw)

Problem is I have not detached fully yet (not initiated proceedings but we live apart, for which i am glad) and prefer the calm and peace that comes from the no contact.

Recently we have had some exchanges, he is already rewriting history wrt the day I left him. Apparently he HELPED and ASSISTED ..did he fuck as like. I'm dreading what he thinks happened in our relationship and how this is all going to pan out during a divorce.

I don't get their behaviour either, it is shit. I deal with loads and loads of horrible shit day to day at work and really cannot be done with his when I get home at the end of it. Its exhausting :(

Hello all I'm confused ('tis not difficult) but what's the 6 months thing? Is this a Scottish law? If you're in England and Wales, there's no time limit for UB (just adultery) as far as I know so you only need to rush the divorce paperwork IF you want to get in first (as it's a first past the post system) or you want to 'crack on with it' as sometimes people want to.

Anyway, technical bureaucratic shite talk over.

Warm welcome to Truly40. I can't speak for anyone else - but strong and resilient is definitely something that's accidentally occurred to me on random occasions over the last 15 months (but soggy, snotty mess can still be done!).

I think if I were to wave a magic wand and control you (I used to married to a 'master of the universe type...'), I'd recommend telling him to fuck off, and then when he gets there to...(you know the score), then I'd have you thinking of him, and then automatically thinking "cunt", and finally getting you to say out loud: fuck the pissing housework.

To this day, I have no idea why we get so knotted up and anxious about housework (for me it was the washing up!). You're dealing with a horrific time, and the fucking ironing doesn't need to feature. There truly (ha!) is no housework police: although some police are total cunts I've heard so if we could set up a regiment...we'd know who to nominate...

There will be a time when you can get back on top of it all, but now is not the right time 'tis all.

Your twat seems similar to Roz's STBXH - in that as soon as you start to show some interest in your own life and wellbeing, all of a sudden they 'realise' they aren't the centre of attention and fuckwittery abounds. I understand you can't do NC, but perhaps you can only reply to texts (emails are better) regarding arrangements for the children, and ignore the 'chatty/menacing/threatening/woo-ing types). It becomes a habit - but a hard one to set up (worth it long term though). It helps you have breathing space for your mind to clarify what you really think and want (rather than processing the pressure they apply).

KOKO.

Welcome back Myturn - I think we all felt like we'd lost our 'best friends' in so many ways. As someone very wise once pointed out to me: It's okay to mourn the marriage (relationship) but not necessarily the man. Take care.

Welcome to you too MrsMR. Rage is good. So is anger. This too passes (although it does still periodically pop up and emit noise) so do let it all out. Personally, I got for a long drive, turn the radio up full blast and scream it all out of me. Or I hit the gin. Do, however, feel free to come here and vent and swear at any time. We do it so well.

Hello all! I've been slowly reading the threads and finally feel brave enough to post. H and I separated 3 months ago, DD age 2 lives with me. We were renting so now live in 2 new houses, me in Torbay and him in Bath, soon to move to London. I also got the 2 cats because he didn't want either of them. We separated after he had an emotional affair and I found out the week before Christmas when OW emailed me. At the moment we are still friends and he visits every 2 weeks to see DD. My plan was to get the 2-year wait divorce and he agrees, unless either of us meet someone else. But, from your personal experiences, how wrong could this situation go?
Am I doing the right thing in being patient or will things come back to bite me in 2 years?

Well - your magic wand summary has made me smile. That's why I've joined Hobbit's!

I also like someone who liberally uses the word 'cunt'.

I seem to have gone backwards the last couple of weeks and I really need to pick myself up. His persistence in wanting to discuss reconciliation, is really confusing me and wearing me down. Normally, the evenings give me breathing space from him and the DCs to relax and enjoy my own company - but the last few weeks, I feel very 'on my own', and also so sad for DS who's 3, that he may never remember his parents being together.

DH has been an utter cunt to me, but he does feel a duty and responsibility to us - paying all household bills, mortgage, food since leaving, and doing all DIY on house, and he has always and still provides for my 2 DCs and treats them as his own. And when we're around the DCs and family, we get on well. I wish we didn't - but it just seems to be easy when we're not discussing the situation.

We both acknowledge the best scenario for all the DCs would be for us to agree terms for reconciliation. Where we differ is it means jack shit to me until OW is dumped and fucks off the planet. And even then I don't know what I want, or whether what I want is what's good for me.

Need to check out Roz's backstory...
DH is a fucking major cake-eater, that's the truth, I know.

Fat cunt.

Truly We have Hobbit to thank for teaching me that word!

Going backwards is par for the course...so be kind to yourself when you do. Anything that is led by "him" means he's taking control/dominating it. If it isn't helping you, it isn't helping. Do read Roz's posts (I can't exactly remember when she came in...quite early on but we're very glad she did because she's a really good perspective on what you're going through).

Hello Tanito, welcome to our bar. Good question! I was divorced in a hurry by him although if I had the choice I would have preferred the two year option (to give me time to adjust to the inevitable from an emotional perspective). So as a general rule of thumb:

2 years is best because it's "no fault" so you don't have to write out a list of unreasonable behaviours, which often provoke the other person (no matter how kindly they are written - they have to persuade a judge!).

However, most lawyers will tell you to get on with it asap...because it does have financial implications. The best bet is you take up a free half hour with one to understand how this might affect you personally (and your children).

Divorce doesn't have to be utterly brutal and hideous, it really doesn't (I have a friend who has just passed the two year mark of separation and they are sort of getting round to it now, but remain good friends and respectful, even when agreeing the finances). It's just sometimes it goes utterly and horrifically pear-shaped.

Another early morning here, awake before 5am. But I feel alright, I got up and started fake-tanning. I'll go out for my walk soon.

Bless you my turn, it does get easier. 5 months on sometimes I still wake early but I am able to lay awake in peace with my thoughts rather than feel the trauma of it all.

Can I have an opinion all, ex is paying more than cms amount to help with nursery and rent. He's basically said now he can't afford much contact because of this. Should I believe him and reduce maintenance so dd has more contact or tell him that he decided to move that far away from her and that if he wants to see her more I'm sure he'll find the money?

I know he doesn't have a lot of money but has been away with ow, is still smoking and has bought a few new clothes so I feel slightly bitter at reducing our lifestyle when I haven't had my hair cut, bought any maternity clothes and source most clothes and toys in sales and second hand. Also bearing in mind he hasn't been visiting dd at all for 2 months. He is a financial screw up and has made bad choices running up credit cards and taking on finance agreements.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Interesting point you made WWK I'll look more into the six month thing because I don't feel ready emotionally to go through it yet.

2little2changerightnow -
I have been Ina similar position re financial agreement, when we first split my partner agreed along with his parents that I should receive half his monthly salary (he is a live in, so no outgoings other than personal expenses, he is also self employed as the business is his) I have had to trust him as to what his wages are.
A few months in and he said he was struggling financially, I spoke to his mum and she said she would speak with him, it came back that yes he was struggling having laid it all bear so I agreed that I would take the bare minimum a week.

What I have learnt though is that I have probably shot myself in the foot - he is still smoking, driving a flash car, trips out and obviously still managing to do things with the other woman.

Whilst it is all in me to provide for the children and all their needs.
I haven't discussed this with him as he has lied from day one so I think it will have to go through his mum again, it is sad but she is the only one who seems to be able to get a boot up his bum and act in a normal manner.

2little would it be in the children's best interests to get professional advice? Presumably you'd get less money to support them but more practical support from their dad?
How does contact cost him money though?

2little if you agree to this I think the likely outcome would be that you get less money and he still doesn't see DD. He could have managed to see her once in two months if he really wanted to. Now you have challenged him and pointed out that it is hurting DD he is looking for another excuse by shifting the blame onto you. As he can afford new clothes and holidays and you can't afford essentials I wouldn't agree to it. If he is willing to see her he can cut back a bit but it doesn't sound like you are in a position to cut back at all.

what I'm not surprised that you need a wallow after that.

I think we're all allowed a wallow whenever we want to aren't we?
This shit is fucking hard.....

Welcome new ladies, sorry you're here and all that malarkey, really sorry you are dealing with a bunch of cunts.....

Channeling Anyfucker in my posting style today, succinct and to the point,