HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I'm here too, myturn, are you ok my love?

I'm here...

I don't know what happened then. I just felt overwhelmed by it all and felt I couldn't cope.
Literally everyone I could ring at this time of night is either at work or busy.

I thought we were best friends and everything to each other to - til one day we weren't.

Oh my god this.

Ok. Fucking hell.

I'm going to get through this one hour at a time. That's worked so far and today I just got a bit cocky thinking I could manage in chunks of days.

I saw him today and said I didn't want to hold hands.

I'm feeling calmer Paddling. I rang a friend and talked between crying children. There really isn't anyone near enough to come around. I almost asked ExDP to come around and I know he would have if I'd asked.

We've all had those moments when you just want the pain of it all to end,myturn . But they are only fleeting, you will be ok, you will get through this, don't let this man cause you any more pain and doubt.

I have literally been on the floor with the shock and anguish of my husbands betrayal, so I know how you are feeling. It does get better, then the anger kicks in at how he could treat you so badly, and then the acceptance that you will survive this and be happy again.

But it's so early on in the process for you, it's hard I know, but keep posting, MN saved my sanity, there is usually always someone around to talk to.

We've all had those moments when you just want the pain of it all to end

What's the best way to deal with them? I know what you mean about being on the floor. Sometimes it's as if I literally can't take another step forward.

I don't want to flood the thread with me just needing comfort.

myturn 10 days in. I don't think anything was ever as awful as those bleak early days. I can't go back and describe it, it brings back such awful memories. I'm 8.5 months in. But at your stage, as you've seen today, it is one minute at a time if necessary, you just do whatever it takes to get through each tiny amount of time. You probably won't take care of yourself, none of us on here did, to my recollection. But try to think of yourself as being ill, a patient, and be kind to yourself, don't expect too much. And at this stage, each shit time is one step further away from it. It does get easier. I can't remember if it was you have have read the threads already, but if you have t I would certainly recommend it. You can see how all of us have got stronger, and also that there will be times when you seem to go backwards again. Well done on getting through that stuff earlier. You survived it. A e next time you have one of those moments, you will know for a fact that it will pass xx

I don't want to flood the thread with me just needing comfort

In the nicest possible way, don't be daft! We've all been there at different times. Xx

thanks all.

Ok. I've written my journal. Short entry tonight but a friend said it would help to keep a journal and to track my thoughts and feelings.

I'm going to have a think about tomorrow and breaking the day up. I'm on annual leave this week so it is all a little bit out of routine.

i think that one thing to believe now is that it will get better BUT right now you don't believe that..I didn't at your stage but 5 months down the line I know that it does!

You are right to think about breaking your day up and try to get out as much as possible. I know that even that is difficult in the early days as you feel like you are in a fog and the world is going on around you...on the other hand I am the first to say that if you don't feel like it then don't. There are no rules here - just go with how you feel and remember what I said - that it will get better.

The way my body reacted has been quite shocking what. I'm glad you mentioned the thing about chewing. I found I couldn't chew or swallow for a couple of days. I dropped half a stone (slowly going up now and I'm weighing myself daily to keep an eye on it). And bless you for saying this, ignore what anyone says about what you should do in terms of contact, do what you need to do right now. It's just what I needed to hear.

TOWO I do know that it's true. I know in my head it's true. I just don't feel it in my stomach

you feel like you are in a fog

Yes, I feel as though the rug's been pulled from under me. Somebody asked me the other day what kind of food I liked and I just looked at him stupid. I really had no clue what the answer was.

I'm going to go to bed now.

After spending the last week trying to read through the thread and get to know who's who I am a bit embarrassed (I know, I know!) that I have burst in to your thread with such bad etiquette.

Good night all.

myturn we are all glad to help, because we've all been where you are now, and have received support and advice from others who have been through it as well, and took the time to help us.

So now we pay it forward too, as they did to us when we needed it most. You don't really need to know our back stories, just that we've lived it and are still living it.

Myturn - Day ten is no time at all - it's the shock phase and yes, shortly after you hit the lowest low you would not believe it was humanly possible to sink to. Please just hold our collective hand and believe us, that it does get easier. The pain does NOT switch itself off at all in the early days for even a minute. You'll howl a noise you never thought you could make. Everything is terrifying and even the most mundane and simplest tasks are overwhelming.

There is no amount of anything that would persuade me to go back to that stage...but I promise you so many of us have endured it. Take everything five minutes at a time - no more, no less. Don't be ashamed to cry. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. And never apologise to us (we don't apologise - it's the rules of the bar).

And whilst you might feel your life is over, it isn't. Your feelings will change (even if you can't imagine that now). Take care.

Early morning here, had nightmares and been awake since 4. Decided to give up on sleep about 5 and am going to skip the gym this morning. Just wanted to say thank you for your posts, as I read them during the night.

ExDP is coming round this evening for a film. I asked him to; I couldn't face another like last night. Morning will be spent with friends. Afternoon I might try for a siesta, I guess that's what holidays are for

Thank you what. I am struggling this morning, but then I read your final line and bucked up a bit.
Housework done. Shower next. One foot in front of another.