HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Another own goal by twunt. DS1 and I spoke recently about the birthday card which twunt signed from him and Loony Tunes. I mentioned this a week or so ago on thread. Anyway, I'm convinced that it was twunt's idea to get a t me. He knows I'm a nosy caah and that I would go look at it. However, DS1 is convinced that it was OW who put him up to it, and that being a complete sap, he went along with it. So........bearing in mind that twunt has a big issue about my sons not wanting anything to do with her.........DS1 now thinks she's a sicker bitch than he did before. And that his dad is weak.

Haha couldn't have scripted it better myself

Sorry haven't replied to recent posts. I've been rather busy with stuff. Having a well earned break tonight, meal out with friends.

thought Id add this to the thread - makes interesting reading and what Ive said all along - hope you enjoy reading it!

www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-manfred/hes-the-one-who-cheated-a_b_805510.html

Had a cry at work again today, I nearly managed to get outside without anyone seeing me, but it was raining, I turned back into the building saw a sympathetic face and out it came. Three colleagues who've all been through this themselves sat me down and we had a chat, which did help.

It encouraged me to finally email my financial settlement proposal to my solicitor, I've been putting it off because once I've got his comments there's no reason not to send it to H and face whatever backlash follows.

It has to be done though , braving my love, you're stronger than you think, let him rant and rave, it's all his doing that you have come to this, they are just words, empty threats that can't affect you any longer.

You have your family's and friends support behind you, he has the ow, I know which one I'd rather have my back.

Hi everyone and hello to notgetting I am Drifted the only man in the bar ( at the moment ) ... Just a word from me to say I am sorry you have come into the bar but welcome, it is the best bar in the world.

Right , my marriage is ending imminently & it is hurting. Little things keep starting me off. Never thought it would end really.

Once the whole sorry business is over I will give everyone the full monty from day one so you can all see what she has put me through.

A very interesting article green . Before ExW left she was vicious to me in front of family & friends and only after she fucked off did I work out why . Wit the help of other friends who have been shat on too .

So notgetting it is NOT YOU. It is them . THey have already come to terms with it & they're off - we are not even in the starting blocks before the gun has gone off, if you get my drift ( excuse the pun )

Since late 2014 I have lurked , posted, read, but never have I felt alone during dark winter nights. When RL support is gone come into the bar & post , someone will reply & say we're here. I wouldn't have been as far healed if it wasn't for the bar .

To everyone else, amazing support to the latest joiner. You are a wonderful group of ladies. This shit is hard. But KOKO is the only way isn't it ?

xxx.

Bambino...he left you a voicemail? What a twat. Is he trying to make you jealous or something? I'd do the same when you find somebody to have some "fun" with, see how he likes it. It reminds me of the "mistake" texts I got calling OW who looks like his nan "babe" . I would suggest your ex is in a bad place. You do need to cut the "apron strings" as it were and WWK was spot on.

What, we'll talk about that tomorrow .

Izzie "Looney Tunes". You do make me chuckle. Own goal indeed!

Braving - Go for it, it's time. It's a "step", another step to freedom .

Drifted, I am wondering if you and I are going to have very similar stories. It's hideous, all of this, but you're right, we're a formidable team here, it's amazing really. This shit is indeed hard, but it won't always be

Hello all. What - you're doing better than me. When ex and I went to mediation when he left first time (why didn't I learn then?) we tore strips off each other and I walked out.

I have had a seriously eventful day. Dd and I spent the day in hospital. She choked on Saturday and being the laid back parent I am I thought she was ok afterwards. However on Sunday she had a hoarse voice and a bit of a barking cough but absolutely fine in herself and no reapiratory distress. This morning she sounded like a sea lion!! Went straight to gp who sent us to local hospital who sent us by ambulance do city hospital. No one to come with me despite a load of friends telling me they're always there just call- annoying. Informed ex. He didn't reply or anything but low and behold he just turns up, of course at 7pm even though I messaged at 1. I was in shock, dd didn't rush to him as I thought she would, she was wary. Anyway they did and x Ray and stuck a camera down and said she's damaged her vocal chords, poor poppet but that they will heal and she just needs to rest them.
So he's there holding her and I'm calling a taxi as I've got her car seat with me. Then I end up with no choice but to get a lift home with him because she's never going to just say bye ms be fine after only just seeing him. We went to McDonald's and then he put her to bed. All the while I held my tongue. I didn't bitch or moan or guilt trip, I stayed upbeat and do you know what. He's a mess, I'm huge now with his baby and dd has changed loads and we're happy and he's not. So after she's asleep I laid it down to him, it's proper regular contact or he shouldn't have come. He agrees and even said he wants to put the children first - bollocks! Anyway we've agreed a few hours once a week somewhere neutral, let's see if he can stick to that!

I feel nothing, I thought I'd feel all these emotions after not seeing him for 2 months but all I feel is lioness like protection of my babies. I just feel like me. He didn't mention ow and nor did I. He was being very nicely nicely, I was very neutral.

I feel proud. I know he was surprised by what I've achieved alone. Roll on Saturday, someone has their hand on me and it's giving me strength.

We can all do this x

2little I can relate to the sentiments in your post under different circumstances. It does come, doesn't it babe? Xx

2little, that's a FAB post...so upbeat! Well done you. It is gratifying to see your ex looking hideous and miserable isn't it? I have to say, I find it quite upsetting in my case, but I feel he's just reflecting outside exactly what he always was inside. Ugly.

You have done a marvellous job. Marvellous. Let's hope he sticks to this and does the right thing by your children. What an utter waste of space he is.

I hope you sleep soundly tonight

Thank you both. And yes izzie it does come and I really thought it wouldn't.

However the fact that dd is in my bed and has woken inconsolable 4 times so far tonight is not such a step forward. I really hope him being around is the right thing for my babies. I guess dd has to learn to trust that he will come back again at the moment though. It's very clear she doesn't hero worship him anymore too.

I really believe that the new life isn't as rosy as he thought it would be and I'm glad. You know for us all we are working through the pain of ow now but these men haven't even addressed their issues and one day when we meet other people they'll have to face that and deal with it.

Onwards and upwards x

You know for us all we are working through the pain of ow now but these men haven't even addressed their issues

Exactly. We will heal. And that's why we can go on to make a success of our lives in the future free from the baggage. Meanwhile their reality has yet to hit.

As awfully heartbreaking as it is for your daughter, she is also working through her grief and will in her own time accept the new reality. It makes me sick to write about such a little one getting herself sorted whilst her father clearly hasn't dealt with any of his stuff or shown any thought for her. It boils my blood.

Hello Not sorry you feel the need to be here but the Bar itself is lovely and a great support. Please believe me when I say it does get easier, even if it is still bloody hard sometimes. KOKO.

Bambino that phone call sounds awful, very sorry you had to listen to that. It sounds like you feel a bit in limbo so maybe you could agree with him what is and isn't acceptable. He doesn't sound quite ready to let go neither which makes it even harder for you. Hope can be worse than certainty if it ends up dashed so take steps to protect yourself as much as you can.

What I bet you felt better for that, sometimes these things need to be said.

Izzie the twunt seems good at own goals. I think your DS1's opinions seem quite accurate. I hope you had a nice evening.

Well done Braving on sending off the proposal. Pleased you had good support from your colleagues.

Hello Drifting I can relate to your "never thought it would end" comment. It's shit isn't it. KOKO x

2little pleased to hear your DD is okay after her scare. I hope your ex does stick to seeing your DD. It is bound to have been very upsetting for her seeing her dad after all this time. I don't understand how some of these men don't bother with their children, absolute bastards. You should feel proud, you are doing brilliantly in horrific circumstances. x

Hello thread. I've been lurking trying to learn everyone's names and stories but with not much success. I hope nobody minds if I sit quietly in the corner for company?

Welcome Myturnnow4 - apologies that you are here with us but hello and we will all listen.

IWASHAPPY - I guess I am in limbo I know I do not want him back but I do want to be able to get on with a clear mind. He makes it difficult, he is now "seeing" the other woman it's took him six months to admit that, he has hummed and aghed for months telling me nothing was going on and quite literally making me go mad. The lies haven't aided my healing process and neither has his oh so helpful attitude towards me either- he denies he left because of her that it was just a huge misunderstanding but actually he really quite likes her so there giving it a go anyway.
I take comfort in the fact that he will regret this, life is going to be difficult for me for a while but I believe he will be the loser in the long run. Whilst I look forward to the day I can say thank you for doing me and the children a favour, I am now going to focus on my family of three. I've decided to get myself a new phone, I'll keep my old one in a drawer and only look at it every few days, for now I'm going to stop him staying for an hour for a chat at drop offs and I am not going to be so free with information about what we have been up to, I am going to cut back contact with his mum also for the time being.
I am only 24 and I feel like I have had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but hey there are dreams to be chased and men to be ogled.
Thank you ladies

Hey Bambino that's progress, just that huge shift in attitude.

Welcome Myturn - no need to sit in a corner unless that's what you prefer to do - you are most welcome here to say anything that's on your mind.

Our names vary, but our stories are similar: shit this is hard but find me the way to the mecca of meh...

I'm WWK. Divorced from a cunt. Currently in the throes of moving house. Looking forward to a fresh start. Got a job, which I'm liking lots, it's pretty flexible and gives me lots of free time to do other things. Like the endless trying to resolve the shit he left me in. Arse.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

It's 10 days since my DP of 14 years left me completely out of the blue and I'm still riding the raw waves of emotions. I have different conclusions and thoughts and feelings from five minutes to the next.

I am heartily sick of talking about him and thinking about him and second-guessing him, so perhaps this could be a space for me to not only share company but to think about me?

Hello my turn, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. However what you say about thinking about you is very good. I think the biggest thing to come from what I've been through (ex left almost 6 months ago for ow, I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with our planned second child and have dd who's 2.5, he was sleeping with her last September, then he cut all contact with dd 2 months ago until yesterday) is the fact that I am me. I'm not trying to please anyone except me and my children, I'm not pretending to be someone that he wants me to do or compramising who I want to be. I am enjoying things I didn't do before because they weren't mutual interests and I have so much more time for myself. In some ways it's very scary to be alone but in others it's actually very refreshing to be yourself again rather than one half of a couple. Hope my rambling makes some sense.

It does get easier, you will sleep and eat properly again although you might not feel like it at the moment x

All of the benefits people describe of being separated are benefits that I feel I had with him. We both agree that we were best friends.

Ladies and RM....this thread....I have posted

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2425300-Advice-needed-husband-about-to-leave?msgid=55536951#55536951

I wondered if any of our crew who are a bit further down the line and have the benefit of hindsight could pop a post on. OP in a real mess. I have posted already.

Thank you

Is anyone around?

I don't think I can carry on.

Hallo I am here..what's up Myturnnow4 ?