HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

stockpiling the wine for your arrival WWH cheers -- just having a wee sample right now x

Thank you and, I am looking forward to it (and I'm glad you've name-changed...I could never pronounce you before!).

RMA

Been playing catch up & found this week some very warm & reassuring comments about the fact that this is till hard. You know I am pretty positive.

Those who know me think I am doing well , sometimes I know I am , sometimes I am faking it. Tonight I cried again just a little one because I didn't want a divorce . I wanted to be old with my wife & I guess as it comes to an end that reality really hits home, the finality of it?

I wanted to give you people that not every man is the same , I am really sad , hurt & emotionally drained with what I have been put through. I care deeply for her, I wish we weren't divorced. But she doesn't seem to think she has done anything wrong. She just shrugged her shoulders to a friend
as if to say oh well ! Right so you can destroy someone, their dreams , their life , your family and just shrug your shoulders?

My eyes are damp from tears . Reading every single one of the posts on here it is like across the UK / world we are all the same, lost dreams of the future ? I never saw any of it coming, I would like to know how these people can do it . hurt the one they allegedly care for . Just to let you all know something else too. A person I came into contact with recently has been divorced seven years and still has very slight wobbles, but she said just two weeks before ExH pissed off he told her how good they were together, just like my ExW did ! Incredible.

I am not asking for pity. I just want you all to know that men can hurt too. I am being honest with you all . Maybe I am repeating what I have said previously many times but I am with you all and I am so glad I joined the bar . I could not get through this without you all . I thank you all so very much & will never be able to express that in words. There simply is not enough of them .

KOKO xxx

drifted so sorry you are still hurting. I think we all repeat ourselves over and over - it's a way of coming to terms with what we are going through. You are a wonderful example that not all men are *!

No-one gets married expecting to get divorced, despite the odds. We expect to do the best we can in our marriage to make it work. This shit is tough.

xx

Hi Drifted. I get what you're saying. I too never wanted to be divorced. It's a sad fact that I married the wrong man. He masked his true self. For fifteen years.

I believe in him. He deceived. Not much I can do about that.

I accept your point: not every man is the same. There are men and then there are cunts. I married a cunt. It's the only way I can make the point.

But since this shit happened to me, I met a lot of decent men. None that I want to be romantic with, but all the same, decent.

So, y'know, you might have a dangling bit.

But you got morals. That matters.

Take care.

Hi wwk sending every good wish your way for your new home in Scotland.
It will be tough to leave I know, you had some great plans for the place, but now you have a new beginning awaiting you, and with your brilliant mind and quick wit I'm sure you will settle in ok, as will the cats, xx

WWK

I hope your move to Scotland is a great success if you see my ExW please say hello , in fact , give her a kiss from me . A Glasgow kiss would be my preferred choice.

Thank you for your kind words. Bobs Thanks it is tough , the worst time of my life. I asked her when we got together never to hurt me & she said she wouldn't. She lied 20 years ago & still cannot stop. Never changes.

KOKO xxx

Weirdly we are all having a "shit this is hard day"....I have really noticed a pattern with that....I am having one right now, mainly because of my little boy and how he's been tonight "post contact". Some people are cunts, always will be cunts and don't give a flying fuck about the damage they inflict because they are "entitled". They are not entitled to fuck up my four year old though...and I will deal with it. KOKO everybody xx

Good luck WWK in your new place x

Morning wise ladies of Hobbits Bar !

Good luck on your move WWK.

I'm in a dilemma and looking for advice.
My exes mum is lovely - a pragmatist, in the six months we've been a part she has been a very neutral player in our split.
Having been left herself she's on the same page and has propped me up many times.

I feel now though that perhaps it's time to cut the apron strings slightly, i got very dependant on her at one point, emails calls and a shoulder.
My ex is happy for this and encourages it greatly in fact one of the major concerns he had when we parted was that I would still be a part of his mums life.
I am greatful to his mum, her husband and all of that side of his family who have never judged my hurt or taken sides but having been to a family party last weekend I just felt that perhaps it was time to curtail this - although everyone was lovely and all praised me and said how wonderfully I was doing In my mind I felt like the ex who was still clinging on.
He knew I had gone and spent that evening calling me and texting to see how it had gone ? - why I do not know, I didn't reply and then received a text the next day asking if it i had enjoyed myself.
He would have spoken to his mum and she'd of said the children and I had enjoyed it what more would he like to know ?
Perhaps by not being so involved in his parents life he will become less involved in mine ? I hear off his mum atleast once a week and the same for him, in fact he dropped the kids off on Monday and it was only Thursday before he was in contact again and he'd stayed an hour talking at drop off time. There was no reason to call he just left a message asking to catch up!
I did call back and say I was at the doctors but if he would like id get the children to FaceTime him later he said don't worry but if I fancied a chat to call him back later, I was very welcome to.
Well Friday he's mum is then in touch asking me if I'm okay ? So they've obviously spoken and it's like a tag team effect.

I have no interest in my exes life.
As long as he is healthy I don't care for the rest and it's took me a long time to get here, I'm on the cusp of acceptance and I feel like although were not together everyone still knows all about my life etc.

Bambino I think it's great that you have you MIL in your life. It must be tricky for her being a neutral player, but a great support to you having been left herself.

Perhaps you could explain to her how you feel. Tell her you are trying to detach from him and have no interest in his life, and would appreciate if he do the same.

Even more importantly you need to tell him this, and there is no need for his texts. Any communication should be child related. You should also give him no info about your life (saying you are at the doctors)

Bobs123
I didn't particularly mean to say that I was in the doctors, was just calling back to let him know they'd call that but I expect I would have said it to anyone calling that I was in the doctors and communication would be made after. More of a slip of the tongue as opposed to hey I'm I'll don't ya know.

I don't have the heart to say to his mum that perhaps now it's time to detach a little. She's keen to see me and the children settled and happy again, she really is a wonderful lady.

I mean the texts and calls aren't daily, but he is in contact more than I would like about things that are just not relevant. Most of it could be saved until he collects or drops off the children, but he doesn't seem to be able to go the week without making contact.
We did try the email route but I failed to reply once by accident for a few days and he ended up calling his mum to ask me why I hadn't replied, he had known his mother and I were out at the time.

I want to remain on friendly terms with his mother but perhaps not in the way we are now, I feel like he has the best of both worlds a life with ow that is seperate from his family life to which I still maintain all the toing and froing.

It sounds to me like he's having second thoughts Bambino....what odd behaviour. I think you need to draw a firm line and set out the contact you're comfortable with and ignore anything else. If he's not having second thoughts, he's trying to keep up a friendship that is just not possible when he's left you for somebody else. It assuages his guilt. However, I am a cynical cow...

Hi, I hope you don't mind me pulling up a chair and joining you lovely lot?
This is me...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2422883-Im-not-ready-for-Hobbits-Bar
Still don't feel ready to be here but hoping that by being so, I can start working out who I'm meant to be now

Welcome notgettingoverit, sorry to see you here but sending hugs x

None is us would have chosen to be here not but we are, so if we can support each other through this, then so be it.

If you have the time, read through some of the earlier threads, if not, just post whatever you want to discuss or want help with, and I'm sure someone will have experience of it personally or will guide you towards the right path.
It's not all doom and gloom we have a laugh and joke as well. You will come through this, thousands of women and men have already, now unfortunately it's our turn, and it's shit.

I never would have thought that I would be in this situation, my husband never gave me any cause to worry about infidelity, we have been married for 27 years. It just goes to show that you can never really know someone.

Welcome Notgettingoverit....please do join us. You don't have to be ready for Hobbits Bar, but you can lurk and take some of the fantastic words of wisdom and advice that is offered here. Sending to you.

Hi
Totally understand that no one would ever choose to be going through any of this shit.
i feel like my life now is full of different masks I wear depending on where I am and who I'm with and I don't know how to find the real me anymore.
Maybe if I just keep on acting, one day I won't be acting anymore and I will just be?
If only I could keep up my act when I have to face DH, I might be able to walk away with some dignity. I hate the fact that he gets to know just how much I miss him and want him back but I can't stop myself. At least I stopped the calling and texting so it's only once a fortnight now!
I'm not sure how much I'll be posting here, but just following this thread has been a great help to me this year already and I know realistically that one day he will pull his head out of the sand and want to talk money etc... And when that happens I'm sure you guys will be the perfect people to give me advice.

Hello all and welcome not, I'm sorry that you find yourself here like the rest of us.

I'm fed up and very tired. After the drivelling self pity email ex sent about how he misses dd but doesn't know if he wants to be part of her life and how hard it is for him financially etc, a good friend has informed me that he's actually on holiday with ow. The lies actually never stop do they?!

I don't miss him, I have very little romantic emotion left for him. I can't even pretend that we could've been happy because I couldn't have been happy with all the lies and wondering and feeling insecure nor with someone capable of what he's done. I don't wish for what she has, I remember when we were as they are now but sadly I know how the story ends and there's very little evidence to show that it will be any different for her, I just pray that there are no children involved. I wouldn't swap lives with him or her for anything. I am happy with me, I like myself for the first time in ages.

My only wish is that dd didn't miss him or that he was capable of being a decent dad to her.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend. Koko xx

Hi not Welcome to the bar.

I get the bit about 'not knowing who you are' - I too felt that (and still do). I think a lot of my interests were his interests, and things that I used to enjoy, because of the depression and stress of divorce, I lost all interest in. I still struggle with concentration now so films and books are out of the equation but it's coming back.

2little no the lies never stop - and they are just there to keep things all about him. We live in hope he'll become a decent parent at some point...but...

Paddling good to see you again! Glad you're feeling more like yourself these days!

Bambino, I'm getting the impression that you're hoping by detaching from MIL, he'll leave you alone more - but I might have misread your post? I'm wondering if he's hoping that by keeping you on side, he'll have 'options' when the current relationship becomes less exciting? Can you send him a text to the effect of - I think it's nice that we can communicate regarding the children, but I'd rather not receive daily texts on non-children's matters if that's okay? It seems that now you're finding your feet again, a few habits need to killed off. That's perfectly normal - you were never going to remain a wreck forever!

Drifted I rather slice her up with my words than any body part! I hope you're doing okay all things considered. I'm guessing you're getting to the brutal part of divorce and it's full on lies at that point. Sickening really. It's the deceit that's the hardest part to come to terms with, I think. Oh and the rest. Take care.

Wellwhoknew
Yes I was wondering that if I took a step back from his mum I would be able to detach a bit more.
It just all seems a mess and i would quite like to enjoy my life again.
I was woken at 11:30 last night by an "accidental" phone call to me , a six minute voicemail then was left of the two of them chatting and laughing away at her house! Yet only last week he was moaning that he had no life, no money all he did was work and miss his kids.
I want to move on I don't want him back but I don't want to be hurting either constantly because of his actions.
He's come to collect the kids this morning and acted like the voicemail was never left, he'll swan off in an hour when he drops them off after doing his days work and it utterly annoys me - I don't want to be on the back burner I just wish he would fuck off completely, go to the OW leave my hanging baskets alone, and offering to do me some food shopping as I didn't look well - no I don't look well because I'm running on fumes looking after a difficult 3 and 4 year old whilst your snuggled with slaggy chops. Aggggghhhhhh