HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

paddling lovely post thank you

Wish I had a "like" button for your post What. Indeed, I totally agree with that. I also utterly resent the fact that all my memories, everything I held dear have been totally destroyed by those two fuckwits. Totally. They have made a complete mockery of my marriage. OW on the other hand can rest assured that all her memories remain intact as her husband is dead. No matter what she's wreaked on my family, she's a "widow" so dines out on the "poor me, I am entitled" bollocks. It stinks, it really does. As for ex, well he's already rewritten history to suit...they just don't get it.

bobs what with me being the one to walk away; I can fully understand what you are saying. The decision to do that was hard, it was two years in the making. The final push coming when he had started the EA on my daughter. I don't miss "Him" at all. I miss the idea of what I thought he was and feel so sad and stupid at my pathetic dreams of a future when I walked down the aisle that day. I was so totally wrong about him, I have many pangs of feeling bloody stupid. I wish I hadn't married him. I really do. So much to unravel. I'm glad we never did have children together, would have made it worse.

They all seem to rewrite history don't they MrsC seems to be part of the script

According they do. What really hurt me was when ex told his parents that he "knew he'd made a mistake" two years after marrying me. Coincidentally, it was at that point he first met OW. She pressured him to leave me then apparently. She didn't seem to fathom that working for my brother and having an affair with his brother in law was perhaps not a good idea. My MIL said "so you thought you'd stay for 14 and have a baby?". He couldn't answer that. So, it was the suggestion that for the following 12 years, we were miserable and that simply wasn't the case. I particularly recall the huge and very touching effort ex went to on our 10th anniversary when I was pregnant with DS. I didn't know then that he had already had affairs. It's what he's said, how he's painted me that hurts so much. I put up with so much shit from him, his weird behaviour, oh I could go on and on but always kept to the vows I took. Why can't they just hold their hands up and say "I've been a shit, I've been unfaithful, I will do my best to make this as easy as possible"...yet they don't. It will always confound me and I know that I will never ever be able to trust anybody ever again. How awful is that?! . What is it about these people, men and women, who are compelled to make you, the cheated on spouse, the object of blame. I will never get it!

Rewriting history.

Yawn yawn tell me about it.

I've come to the conclusion that he's told me and the OW so many lies that he now actually believes them.

The main thing is, I know the truth and so do my sons.

Meantime she still has to face the friends who told her he was using her and to get rid of him. Eight months down the line and he still has shown her no commitment in terms of ending his marriage. Nor paying towards her bills. He has been very clever financially. He tells me that the fixed PC he bought is his, and that it goes with him, wherever that may be. He has gone halves with her on some tools, leaving all his here for me. Half the cost of a power drill is certainly worth the cost of him keeping his options open. No wonder he went ballistic at me giving him more items to remove from the marital home. It would involve too many trips back and forth to clear out. Especially allowing time for the inevitable histrionics that is part of her nature.

The woman clearly has no pride. Adding her name onto a birthday card is not validation. It's just another way she is being used in his game playing with me.

Telling the parents. The ex told his father and brother. He told me he had said very little and that he had not apportioned blame for the end of the marriage. He has always blamed me for his situation. He said he did that "because, you never know, we might get back together" WTF!!!

.......if that doesn't show how entitled he thinks he is, well .....

Twat

Deluded one at that

Ive not heard a darned thing from my parents in law since I left. I can only guess what he has told them really, I have no doubt this is all "my fault" somehow. We were at his mothers 70th birthday two years ago and I remember telling me she was so happy I had married her son and I made him so happy.

Problem is he stopped making me happy and now I am not there anymore. radio silence. Not even a "hope you are ok" message.

That hurts a lot, I have learn to stop caring.

I don't know if we can post links on these things but a little while ago I started a blog - more of a virtual diary, I find it really cathartic and it has helped me cope better than I have been.
If you fancy a nosey please do.

www.livingwithmylove.blogspot.co.uk

what he is a prick..thats so horrible that he tarnished your memory like that

What - I can totally relate to the fact that you've heard so many different versions of the time you spent together. I feel the same, it isn't my fault, it's all my fault, I was always controlling, it's his fault, he's messed up and everything else in between. It just messes with my head.

I called and left a voicemail today just calmly asking if we could talk about dd. After everything do we not deserve more than - ceasing contact until further notice?? Could he not at least tell me that he's taking time to sort himself out (unlikely), waiting until after the baby (also unlikely) or they he actually means this is it forever? (Possible) no, he actually believes he has the right to say until further notice, hanging it out there that one day he might just change his mind and crash back into our poor children's lives. What if one of them needed blood or an organ? Would I have to physically hunt him down? Is he ignoring me in the hope I go crazy so he can show everyone and say this is why he left?! I'm a mess tonight, a total mess. Why do I bother even trying? I just wanted more for dd, I wanted to stop her heartache but he doesn't care, I don't think he ever will.

DS1 was very pleased with his birthday card yesterday. He told me he had sent it, iykwim, to some friends, who gave it the thumbs up, very amusing, and very relevant to something in his life.

That was the card I got him,

The card from his father and some irrelevance, in contrast.....well, it had a cat on the front. And DS1 is passionate about dogs. Grew up with them. Done volunteer work with them. Yep. Never shown the slightest interest in cats. The card had a jokey comment that was not actually funny

But then the ex never did have a very smart sense of humour. Or any idea about anything really

2little2late
The greatest strength I found is reminding myself that he is the one missing out.
You will always be your children's number one, the one who stayed.
I found it very difficult, and times still do, to let go of what I want or expected their father to be, now for the most part I except he is selfish and that he chose his happiness above there's.
I truely believe that your partner as will mine will have regrets be it in 1 year or 10. All that they will miss out on, all the memories and milestones they won't be there for and here's the biggy you might meet someone who is more of a father then their own and it'll be him sat wondering who your daughter will want to walk her down the aisle.
I try to draw strength in the fact that in my childrens eyes I am the constant, I am the safety net and whilst I may shout or not be as fun I offer a love like no other.
You'll find your way it just takes time and acceptance.

Bambino, that is very true. My husband has missed out on so very much. His loss. His cock and the lifestyle she could give him were far more important. What a waste of oxygen. I look at my little boy who thinks his father is the best thing ever and think to myself that ex is very lucky that son is so young and has no comprehension of what his father has done. He will though...and it's just around the corner.

It must be nice to just walk out and completely abandon your family...can you imagine EVER doing something like that to your kids?!

What, I don't know how you have that level of contact, I really don't. I am so glad we no longer speak, it was always utterly pointless anyway. I know you really want to be able to co-parent, but be prepared that things might change. Obviously, it's the sensible thing to do, but when nutjob OW's get in the way, you've got no hope. Example : He and I met for a coffee a few weeks after he left. I later found out that he tried to hide this fact from OW, OW found out by reading his phone (!), went mad, gave him the silent treatment. How the fuck is that ever going to work WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD? It also makes her ridiculous email to me and I quote "I promise I will always do right by you and you children" an absolute load of utter shite. She has no intention of allowing him to co-parent and he's such an immature prick, he can't do it anyway.

I sincerely hope that you and ex-twunt can work together in that respect, but ultimately, I think you will find you quite like the distance. She'll soon get bored of him anyway.

very nice bambino a couple of sweet little faces there and you wonder how can they do it....x

Yes, i agree with wise , how their own infatuation overrides their love and responsibility for their children , I will never understand.

bambino , you're a fantastic mum to your little ones and a great role model as well. I've read your blog and it's very poignant and truthful.
KOKO lovely lady, you are amazing, x

I'm having a tough day today.
I seem to go through stages of real positivity and then I get knocked down and I struggle to get up again.
It's not being able to ready exes behaviour that confuses and distorts my views so much. He seems intent on being with the Ow but goes out of his way to please us.
I don't know I wish he would have stayed being the arse hole he was in the beginning because then I would know atleast what his motives are x

Bambino - sorry you're having a hard day. I think they all become Jekyll and Hyde after they leave, sometimes I think it's because they genuinely don't know their own mind or are so riddled with guilt that they try to adapt to please whoever they're around. Who knows, it's just another dimension to how messed up they are.

I am currently fuming! So he finally responds to email. It is the most self pitying load of drivel you have ever heard. How he misses dd terribly and she's in his every though and yet he still amazed not to ask about her at all! How he has no money and even if he had contact it couldn't be often as he cant finance it - my heart bleeds and of course we're rolling in riches on benefits aren't we? How we want different things? - I'm not sure what this means, does he think I still want to be a family? Surely he's not that stupid? I want my children to be happy and stable and I don't want them ignored or abandoned, if he doesn't want that then yup we want different things.
He's rearranged counselling - great so in 5 months he's still not managed to get himself to a counsellor? Oh and lastly he's sorry that he can't give me a definitive answer about being in our children's lives at the moment. I daren't reply for a few days whilst I calm down, I am that angry.

Perhaps he'd like to hear how much dd misses him? How hard she Is finding it at times and how she cries for him? Would he like to know that I need to find £1000 to put my car right? That dd needs new shoes and that I'm saving by still at 29 weeks pregnant cramming myself into normal clothes and too small bras?

This is not about him or me it is about our children. What on earth is wrong with him? Why doesn't he shit on me a bit more then let's see how much sympathy I've got for him!!!

What....you do make me laugh! I am coming out with you next time...! :-) x

2little, I have been on the end of very similar drivel. You've got to take it with a pinch of salt. What an absolute waste of skin and oxygen he is. You'll be fine without him. I don't envy you having a newborn on your own, a toddler was hard enough, but it will be the best thing in the long run. He is not a man and he doesn't deserve to be a father.

Bambino...this on/off switch thing that they do...please ignore it. You have to. I am so cynical now that I believe nothing. I don't have contact with my ex because there is no point, not a single one. No doubt he'd send me the odd guilt ridden email every now and again but he doesn't MEAN it. Lucky OW having landed such an inadequate prick. I had a browse of your blog today. I am going to follow your lead I think. I imagine it's very therapeutic. It's very well done and well written...