HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Izzie one word I would never use to describe you is bitter, you are lovely and caring and your sons are very lucky to have a Mum like you doing two parents job

Aw thank you Living

And I'm very lucky to have my sons

And you lot

Has someone nicked my photo?

Yeah that one

I saw this on a thread today. There seemed to be some confusion about izzy or Izzie. But I did have a little laugh when I read this:

I miss Izzy; her use of language was beautiful. I always imagined she looked exactly like Audrey Hepburn

Anyway there's only one Izzie who uses that pic. And that's me. So bog off, imposter

Yes, I do have a way with words

My son made it clear to his father that he didn't want anything to do with ow. So his father signs his birthday card from both of them.

Is he dense or does he have no respect for his son?

Izzie, I'm so sorry your ex continues to behave this way. I think I've realised that not only do these men have no respect for us, their children or their new women but also they have no self respect. Pretty pathetic really.

Hugs x

Was it a " to my son" card? If so, why the heck was she signing it ? He's not HER son and never will be.

If it was not a "son " card then why the heck was it not?? Is he not his son anymore??

Such a knob! Bet he thinks he is Father of the Year too...

Twat.

I need advice. Dd had another meltdown today asking for him and crying. I feel so devastated that she's lost her dad and her brother seems to have followed suit out of some misguided loyalty.
Do I text him telling him she is missing him to see if we can sort some sort of contact out for dd's sake or just leave it and hope she gets over it in time? we have very little other family and none close that she. Sees regularly.

Yes, I would text I think, but you have to be prepared for a negative reaction as well as a positive one. And if he doesn't want contact how that will affect you emotionally. You're having a tough time at the moment, your parents are not the most supportive and you have an arsehole of an ex to deal with, who has let you and your daughter down in the most callous way.

To have him reject his child completely would show him to be the cold narcissist that I believe him to be. You have given him every chance to step up and be a decent parent. He has failed her. Should you have to beg him to see his daughter? I don't believe so....

Thank you. I've text him asking if we can talk about dd. I doubt he'll even reply. I just wish he could see that the only person he's punishing in all of this is dd. How can he live with himself not seeing her or hearing her voice? And yet still be playing father to his adult son? I guess that's easier somehow.
My heart breaks for dd, poor soul, all I ever wished for her was a sense of family x

2little I feel your pain. The question of "how can they live with themselves?" has crossed my mind a few times.

The answer is, "There is NO answer"

Its shit

But you are there and you can make it brilliant for your beautiful DD X

2little2late I'm sorry your having such a hard time, I don't know how any father can walk from their children let alone completely ignoring them.
Perhaps it's easier not to see them, perhaps it's easier to bury his head in the sand rather than facing up to the reality of what he has done.

My ex is just on another level.
He's not mean anymore or ignorant.
He seems to soften more as the months go by and that is what disconcerts me.
Having never in his life been to a shop and bought our children clothes he's turned up with a bag full for our son.
He pruned my hanging baskets and stood talking, asking me about things and telling me about his life.
He called twice yesterday and twice again today all whilst the children were with him.
I don't understand him, because there was a time when he would of been happy for the ground to swallow me up.

So sorry what you see, I think that was my exs issue too, couldn't face constantly seeing the pain and destruction he was causing. How they think it's ok to run away from that too I don't know, we don't get to run, we get to wake up in it every single day.

It makes my blood boil that not only do they do these unforgivable things but they also don't face the consequences either, oh no that's another gift for us!! Utter utter arse holes.

2little Hobbit has said it all really. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this and so so sorry for your DD who is far too young to be put through this by her father

what avoidance.....well at least he tells you he is going to avoid. Mine just avoids.......they are just priceless, aren't they?

bambino just be careful. Please pm if you want my thoughts on this.

Today my eldest son is 23. I am so proud of him for the way he has taken on so much. And I'm so proud of my other son, who has shown more dignity and maturity in his little finger than the ex has in entirety.

Neither of my sons deserved any of this. Most men would be proud to have them as sons. One of my brothers has been unable to have a family. He and his wife would have made excellent parents. Sometimes nature gets it all so horribly wrong. However, they are closer to my two now that their father has done a bunk.

My sons mean the world to me. It's a travesty that their father chooses to be with the thing that has been intent on destroying their family life. Wand now they are mere pawns to him, a stick to beat me with.

But he's not here now. And life is happy with the three of us. Somehow neither the ex nor his vile partner can accept that. Clearly their relationship is lacking. Unlike my life.

Dd has just been awake screaming for him :( I've sat with her and soothed her but now I just have to let her cry otherwise she'll think that by keep doing this it gets me out of my bed into hers. My heart feels so heavy. Fucking bastard he is. No reply, he couldn't give a damn and of course ow wouldn't like it.

Four months in now. Following the euphoria of being free from oppressive moods I find myself this morning feeling flat as a pancake and full of sadness for future I really wanted and dreamed of the day we got married.

This shit is hard

5 months for me and yes we all have those feelings, according It's an up and down path..

According - I know that feeling too. 5 months in and I have good days and bad days, on a bad day I feel like I've been hit by a train again and all the shock trauma feels brand new again. But I know that another good day is never far away.
You are worth more than him and what he has done to you, you will find peace and happiness living a life you are proud of, he has to carry his shame forever.
We will all get there one day at a time, leaping the hurdles we face as we go. On days like today just do whatever you need to do to get through it.
Koko lovely lady x

Thank you both. Got to work today so hopefully mind will be on other things. This feeling does feel very intense though, I feel the need for a duvet day but know that won't help one bit.

That's a great post paddling I'm so pleased that you have come out of this horrible situation and into a more peaceful happy life with your children.

That gives us all some hope for the future..

I agree with Paddling, it is such early days for so many. I am nearly two years in and still in the midst of the recovery process but certainly am a much stronger person than I was when he left. I have a close friend that this happened to and she says it took her four years to fully recover (and she didn't have to deal with anywhere near the fuckwittery that some of us have). Ironically, her ex and his OW, who married and and had a child, have now split because he has had yet another affair and left his "latest" family for pastures new. What a cock. I think everybody is different and it takes some longer than others. You just have to go with the flow. KOKO

Paddling lovely post and very well put

MrsC "he's a cock" - and the rest - and you are amazingly well considering

I have to say I find it so difficult to relate to those of you on here who miss their exes so much, and their DC have such problems adapting to their dad not being there. I looked forward to the day when I could get him out of my life, and the DDs do not miss him a bit, due to the fact he messed with our heads so much. Was my marriage so bad? I have no feelings of missing our growing old together. Why did I stay so long? Probably because I felt that having 2 parents was better than one and cowardice of having to make the move and knowing all that this would entail.

I do have pangs of jealousy/stupidity that I made such a poor choice, but could never say I wish I hadn't married him as then I wouldn't have the DDs.

Anyway, enough musings. So much better to look forward, as Paddling said. KOKO to all