HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

what haha a great reply

Pleasant chatty messages from H tonight, enquiries about dds school trip, apparently he's "looking forward to seeing her on Sunday" so he should be, twat.

Just makes me think he's being nice because he knows his pension statement has arrived and we'll be taking finances shortly, can't trust him, i can only view him with suspicion.

Braving I know what you mean. I had that a while ago when the ex ended his emails asking how I was. The answer would have been "suspicious as to why you are asking"

Exactly Izzie

I know what you mean braving and izzie. Anything remotely friendly or even amicable was viewed with extreme suspicion and distrust.

Tonight I'm a stupid stupid fool. I just emailed him the latest nursery pic of dd saying - thought you might like this.
Why, why did I do it? If he wanted pictures he'd be in touch wouldn't he so why am I basically chasing him and pushing dd's existence under his nose. I guess I want to be able to say I did these things when she is older and that I always encouraged him to be a father. I guess you can lead a horse to water though?! He won't reply and that'll just crush me more. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes! Somebody slap me!!
He dos pay maintenance on time this month though, horray!

It's just because you are a decent person that you are trying to get him to engage with his daughter,2little. You can't understand why he can just walk away because you would never even think of doing such a thing.

And that shows the measure of you and the worthless, selfish nature of him.
So don't berate yourself for being a good mother and a giving him every opportunity to prove he's not a feckless idiot. You're not stupid or a fool, you're just trying to get the father of your toddler and unborn child to face his responsibilties.

You shouldn't have to email him or call him to remind him that he has a child who loves him, and is wondering where he is. God, these men make me so angry, it beggars belief it really does.

Thank you hobbit. I just feel so livid that he has no idea what his disgusting behaviour is doing to his innocent child. Total fuckwit. I hope ow feels proud to be with a man who is not only a liar and a cheat but also has abandoned his innocent child. What a prize. She must be deluded or just believing whatever tripe he's feeding her!

Have just been reading some of your posts. It comforting to see that (unfortunately) there are lots of other women going through the same thing as me. It's 6 months since my DH left me and my two DD's. Although I didn't find out about OW until 3 months after he left (during which time he was having his cake and eating it with both of us as he kept telling me he might come home) he came knocking on my door 6 weeks ago begging for another chance so I let him come back, it lasted a week as he spent a majority of the time pining for OW so I kicked him out. He is now back with OW who might I add lives nearly 3 hours away. He is living at his DP's which will be for the foreseeable as he can't afford to get a place of his own. What a life he has got hey?! I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and have even booked a weeks holiday abroad next year for me and my DD's and my DP's. For anyone who is going through this, it will get better, I thought my life was over when he first left and it was the worse time of my life but day by day I have got stronger. I think going NC really really helps (as much as u can with DD's involved anyway) he still texts me about mundane things and tries to be "friends" but I've got wise to that now and ignore him.

That's a really positive post annie my love, well done for being strong for you and your girls. You are lucky to have supportive parents , they will be a great help to you.

I agree no contact is the way forward, it gives you some time to come to terms with your situation , and avoid any fuckwittery from the Twunt.

I've blocked my ex on my phone now and only communicate rarely through email. It's helped me enormously.

what pleased to see that one of us is getting out there!!! Enjoy your evening

Ha ha what isn't he a charmer? What OL site was that on Plenty of Dicks?

Have a great evening, x

Well he hasn't replied to the picture, not even a thank you, I wonder if that's because it's got to him or because he genuinely couldn't give a shit about her.
Most people dread Monday's, I dread Friday's, weekends alone whilst others are having family time :(

Will keep busy and KOKO. I'm at nursery to pick dd up early because I miss her - how stupid is that.

I have learnt this week that the radio helps, music and talking rather than deafening silence.

Do you not have some friends to get together with this weekend 2little my love? Just to chill with or have a picnic or watch a movie?

I don't like the thought of you being alone

No. It seems it is my life's sentence to be let down. My mum has just done it to me, not by saying sorry she can't do something but by proceeding to tell me why it's such a shit idea anyway, even though she knows it is something I wanted to do. Shamedly I totally lost it with her.

I am fed up with cancelled plans and let downs. Why the hell agree to do something?! Nothing has come up, she's just decided she doesn't want to do it now. When I tell her it hurts my feelings - that's my problem.

Good morning ladies.
I hope you all have something lovely planned for the weekend, especially as the weather is so nice.

I am sorry some of you are having a bad time.

I seem to go through having the strength of the Hulk to being weak and powerless.
I guess I am lucky in a sense that I was not married and there was no mortgage involved. It was financially a clean break and we just halved the savings and car value. He kept all furnishings. Apart from being completely detached from me, spending three months not bothering to ensure the well being of the family he left and some verbal abuse that was disgusting he's not been particularly awkward. Although he did seem to be very angry with me at the beginning almost as if I had left him for another man.
He is still "seeing" the other woman but I try not to think about her, we had one incident where the children were around her and I nipped that in the bud straight away whenever I have an issue I always tell him that respect is a two way thing and whilst he doesn't show any for me if he would like me to do the same when it comes to new partners then he should re think his attitude needless to say she's never been mentioned again by the children.
I do feel, that if the other woman wasn't in the picture whilst we probably wouldn't be back together we would probably be out of this limbo stage and at peace with our lives seperately.
Part of me feels as though he has chosen a path, split up two families and while he misses his he would look like a right twat leaving her so soon after causing so much damage.

What I am having trouble with is completely detaching, I know i can't have him back and it wouldn't ever be the same again but I just can't seem to move forward as I would like to.
I'm struggling as for the most part we get on well, I don't want to be bitter and horrible for the rest of the days - I want to be able to co parent open and honestly.
I feel though that neither of us will 100% let the other go - he'll call for random things, yesterday it was to see if I could remember the credit card PIN number but he cancelled all the cards months ago when he was being a twat so he knows full well that I wouldn't know it, he then discussed his financials with me, what he was up to and finished off by wishing me a lovely day and weekend, calling me a pet name and then saying he'd see us on Sunday.
I don't know I am just tired of it now, I have got my own home a new car job and the children are settled in school but it's hard to fully detach when on paper he says he has but some of his actions are as if he still sees me as the fall back option.
I know that in the long run I will be the one better off, I will have no regret or guilt on my conscience and I'm sure there will be a time where the reality hits him and he realises what he has lost out on, I try to hold on to that when I am feeling weak but it doesn't always help me skip on.

bambino he needs to stop this - the pet names etc etc..he has made his choice and he needs to get on with it. It's not fair on you...However you do need to co parent so you need to do what it takes. Thank God I don't have to - only ONCE has my H ever made a "nice" comment - "safe journey" and I told him not to say anything like that to me as he doesn' t mean it . He has treated me abysmally and I don't want to hear such shit even in a text.

The old wise one -
It's impossible to gage him - I don't want him back I'd find it impossie to learn to live with what he has done so i have excepted that even if he was to charter a helicopter to come and apologise It is over and it has pained me that my family is broken , I spent a lot of time in denial and waiting for him to come back now I'm not particularly fussed.
I just don't want to be unable to move that last hurdle because he is maybe subconsciously still trying to keep me on side.
He did choose this and unfortunately he'll be the one lying in a bed of bricks when it does come crashing down.

Yes, you are right, bambino , he still wants to keep the fallback option, and that's very cruel to you and your children.

But you are doing so well in fashioning a new life for yourselves, don't let him mess with your head in this callous way.

I'm 'lucky' I suppose in that I knew he would never want to come back once he had left, I made it very clear he had burnt all his bridges on that score. I just couldn't have forgiven him for all the lies and deceit. Although he still thinks I care about his life and health, I don't, and have only email contact with him now. KOKO lovely lady.

Thank you Hobbit

It's very hard because I am also very close to his mother, although I have cut contact slightly as I know that once things move on a new partner will not want me around playing happy families with the in laws.
I feel guilty if I don't maintain the relationship with all of his family and i have at one point had to say that they aren't my family and it is a choice of mine whether I keep up appearances he seemed put out by this.
I just think that doing what he has done is going to end up hurting him most in the end because there is no way back for him

Hi bambino I totally understand where you coming from with one day feeling so strong and then feeling so week..I too have chose to cut contact with ex husbands mum and same as you I got on very well with her but although she says she's not taking sides, which I wouldn't want her to . she blatantly sticks up for him when he has done so much to me so I decided to cut ties..my ex husband has met someone else (well actually was having an affair wilst I was going through an awful time with my dad just passing away) I just hope she is worth everything he has lost for her..our son hardly sees him now hardly rings him..just walked away ..sending love to you

I had a chat with a bloke the other night, out took about 5 minutes for him to tell me he was naked, I just replied OK, he sent another message about an hour later apologising and said he was single and fed up, not the way to go about finding a relationship is it.

Maybe he should get out his wallet instead and head to Soho.