HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

You know I was just about to say that I needed a Jessagram - awwww she has perfected that " hangdog/feel sorry" for me look, hasn't she? She just is so sweet...........

Paddling that is a lovely post

Wish I was back here right now... It's fucking hot in the arse end of nowhere.. Having this....

Thank you paddling, and everyone else who's posted.

I think it's heat and hormones mostly that have got me feeling down.
You're right paddling, I'm angry that any human in this world thinks it's ok to behave this way. But I'm not envious, I would never swap the life I'm living for the one he is however good the sex might be! I wouldn't swap my children for any man in this world, I wouldn't trade being a family for all the riches or money or anything. His relationship may or may not last but this elephant in the room will always be between them. I can honestly tell my children that I wanted them and that they are totally loved by me, I will never leave and I will put them first. The way I raise my children will affect them for life and pass on to how they raise their children and I hope I can do it well and be proud. As someone else said we are living lives that we are proud of for us and our children.

Deep down I think I know he won't see us again. He has a carefree life with no nappies, no early mornings, no tantrums and no restrictions. Why would he risk that by having 2 small children disrupt it?!

Hugs to everyone else struggling at the moment. KOKO and we will get there xx

Deep down I think I know he won't see us again. He has a carefree life with no nappies, no early mornings, no tantrums and no restrictions. Why would he risk that by having 2 small children disrupt it?!

What a shallow and meaningless existence.

The greatest thing to come from a relationship is children. The nappies, early mornings etc are a minuscule price to pay for what they give us in abundance except the teenage years haha

Good riddance to a waste of air and skin, the stupid, ignorant, selfish arsehole is a disgrace to his gender.

You are worth ten of him, 2little my love, KOKO, x

Thank you both. He is missing something so wonderful. He still has a form of relationship with his 18 year old son but I don't think they see one another very often. He is a good kid, but sadly like his dad he is lazy and very bad with money and there are areas of his life which have suffered due to poor parenting like not cleaning his teeth and not being overly keen on other self hygiene. I know I would've always battled with him to do the practical parts of parenting, he just liked all the good bits, the easy bits.

I'm so pleased it has cooled just a little, that makes me feel better.
I have some really good friends and I never feel truly alone now which is wonderful but I am always expecting people to hurt me or let me down or lie to me. I wonder if I'll ever fully trust again? Sadly my parents have broken my trust a lot in my life although we get along well now and ex p doing this has just made me lose some of that natural faith in humanity. Guess I just need to learn that not everyone is like him.

Hope everyone has a good day xx

I also watched long lost families last night and realised that 50 years ago I may not have had the choices and opportunities that I do today to keep my babies and raise them and for that I'm so grateful. Life could be very different. It's funny though isn't it, all those people on there to whom family means everything and all those truly devastated families who've been broken by the terror in Tunisia and yet to him family meant nothing that he could so easily turn his back on it.

3 months down the line of ex husband leaving..still struggling .feel completely lost and invisible to the world..he on the other hand has moved in with new woman he was seeing her behind my back for how long a don't know..my dad was very ill last year and sadly died so i was grieving ..feel so betrayed I did everything in the family..put up with his drinking and silent moods for years and years and im the one left like this. .he's just walked away leaving me with everything and landed on his feet again..life is just not fair!

I am so sorry you are in this situation,time my love, we all know how you are feeling. You have also had the sad loss of your dad to deal with, what kind of man betrays a grieving wife? One who is not worth crying over.

As you said, you put up with his drinking and bad moods for years, well now you don't. You can make a new life with your family without his noxious cloud hanging over you all. What a 'prize' she has won, let's see how happy he makes her.
He can't just walk away without making provision for your children. Without knowing any more I can't really help there. But if you just want a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold that's fine.

You really deserve much more than this man, you will get through this, it just seems overwhelming at the moment. You are in shock still at the level of his betrayal and still grieving for your dad, please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply and support...he has shit on me from such a great height left me with debt..I am at my wits end about maintenance cause he's very laid back as to when he gives me money ..I have been unable to work as I had a complete breakdown..it drives me crazy thinking about them both happy and thinking just how long it was going on.
But I am getting better just taking baby steps so glad I've found this support group..I won't let my son stay at there house as yet as he refuses to give me his address surely I'm right in wanting to know where my son is ?

Time hi and sorry for your situation, and also the loss of your Dad
As Hobbit said, look on the bright side in that you do not have to deal with his drinking/bad moods any more.

How old is your son? If he is messing about with when he gives you maintenance have you though about giving him, say 2 weeks to put a proper regular payment in place, or you suggest to him that you will approach the CMS? Are you claiming Child Tax Credits, reduction in council tax etc?

Yes it's fair to want to know where your son is. Legally I don't know where you stand as I didn't have that problem due to my DC being older and having NC with him anyway.

I know it's early days but have you seen a solicitor? they might be able to clarify the debt situation for you, in that it might be joint and not just yours?

I agree with bobs , my love, you need some legal advice in order to help you move through this.

I know it's difficult, but you need to get your ducks in a row and start knowing your rights and where you stand. Half the fear is not having the information you need, it is not up to him whether to pay maintenance or not. A lot of solicitors have a half hour free. There is a lot of information in the various divorce websites. Gather your RL family and friends around you, you need their support at this tough time.

He wouldnt be bothered I don't think if I went down csm route as I think it would be roughly £42 a week ?? Not sure exactly..what he has been giving me us more than that so I suppose I just have to wait for him to decide when he will put it in my bank which I hate...I just feel he had got me all ways I turn .the debt unfortunately is in my name ???? yes I'm claiming tax credits and reduced council tax..I'm left with the dog (he wanted cause that was going to make him happy) but the kids love dearly so can't really get rid of him and I do love him but they are a huge tie..he worked with ow so they both have 2 fat wages coming in...I feel such an F. .ING mug thanks again for advice

Dies anyone roughly know what csm is for one child a week?

And yes had advice about me refusing to let our son stop over with no address solicitor said if it went to court no judge on this planet would say you were being unreasonable wanting to know where your son ws stopping..he has student loan people after him they have been for years I think he doesn't want me to pass his address on to them and is obviously willing to forfit his son in doing so

Thanks again both for your kind words and advice x

apologies ladies I have been awol - wish I could say have been somewhere nice like hobbit ( looks fab by the way) but I haven't. I am struggling to cope at the mo - major fuckwittery going on and having to make some tough decisions re kids. I am finding it hard to keep up with household stuff and divorce is constantly on my mind again. His latest stunt where I went to my DD when she asked me too that he twisted into me interrupting his contact time again and disappearing with DD has got to me - even the DD has said to me " wish Dad wanted to make me happy" rather than thinking who's contact time is it. WTF is wrong with him - does he feel so shit about himself that destroying everyone else makes him feel better -isn't he supposed to be happy - not that I care but what damage this is doing to the kids? If the latest fuckwittery goes ahead i think i better get them both signed up for counselling. You know what he said to me when he left that he still cares - I am the mother of his kids - surely this is what you would expect from someone you were married to for 20 years - not this complete and utter hatred - but perhaps this stems from some other reason? guess only he knows the answer! And as for the lass-it is not lost on me that everything is suddenly private!!

Ladies July has two dates for me - wedding ann & when he left any ideas on how to mark them - need to make them all about me!

Time do you know how child maintenance works? Whether it is a private agreement, like you have now, or whether you go the CMS route, it works out to same. From memory I think it is 20% of his gross earnings, so on a rough calculation £12,000 gross a year would give £2,400 in maintenance which is about £46 per week. You worry me slightly in asking if anyone knows what child maintenance is per week. It is all based on his earnings, and everyone has different pay packets

If you know his gross income, you can do a calculator via this link www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

green I have some ideas but unprintable!!!!! What would you like to do? weekend trip, nice meal out with good company, spa day, party for friends with obscene amounts of alcohol?

Yes shouldn't of asked that it's just all very confusing I did the calculation but wasn't sure I'd done it right yes sorry to much of a personal question ..I will keep it as it is for now and see how it goes ????thanks

bobs think all of those sound good!

Errrrrr wow - I'd have just told him to sod off Men can be so pathetic sometimes (sorry Drifted )

Btw verrucas take forever and ever to get rid of. Both DDs had them over the years, think one of them still has one