HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Thank you font my love, your post has helped me a great deal. The man is an insensitive fool, I hate it that he can still hurt me with an offhand comment or twatty email, but I hope it won't be for much longer.

Thanks everyone who has shown me such kindness and support today, it means a lot, it really does, xx

Big up the Hobbiteers and the MN Massive, for you all....

Fabulous post from Fontella....absolutely concur with all of that! My ex is now fat, old and ugly. OW has a cheating, lying, thieving better say allegedly tosser who refuses to support his own 4 yo son and posts shit on my MN thread. Gosh, the OW's really have got their "prizes". My love, you will be just fine. You're doing brilliantly and are such a huge help to everybody else. KOKO xxxx

And for you Hobbit. You're allowed to feel sad for the end of the marriage (and yes, you're gorgous). And he's an arse these days so next year, it'll be a day of 'yeah, the grumpy fucker ain't here' - but the first year is always the hardest, I think.

Some lovely lovely posts on here especially Font's

what that was a really positive post. Yes the house can be a different place when the rwunts are not around. Did you get a cuddle?

Roz good to hear from you and pleased you are doing well. How is the job going?

Hobbit it is a new day - we will all survive (reminds me of a song!!!)

Hi bobs, job going great. Very steep learning curve, lots of new stuff, but I am enjoying it. Still such a novelty being my own woman, not micro-managed. I'm pretty exhausted at the end of a day, using my brain so intensely but it's a good tiredness. Not like the draining knackeredness I suffered from when fuckwit was putting me through hell.

I'm only up now because I've discovered the unwise ness of exercising hard too late in the evening.

Some fantastic posts here. A bit of thread to read and read again I think. Roz you should be proud to be you, izzie real wisdom here. Hobbit I celebrated (huh?) 29 years married a week or so back. You would not be the compassionate person you are if you did not take time to reflect and mourn.

Today is another new day. Sun shining and people to watch. KOKO.

BAMBINO yes I think you are right - as asked my H if we could work on things ( he walked without even saying anything) and he said "No he had gone too far down the path...." this after nearly 30 years - how little contempt does that show to act in that way. My consolation is that I know I am not a bad person and would never treat someone like that!

roz so pleased things are going well for you, what you said about the different feelings of knackered ness resonated here. I was always mentally exhausted dealing with whatever mood H was in on the day, and managing my feelings about them without rocking the boat too much. As well as work.

Work is still tiring but I get to go home to what I consider a sanctuary now, no oppressive moods, no emotional fuckwittery or being blamed. I sleep a hell of a lot better now, more deeply than I used to living on a knife edge.

fontella brilliant post!

Theoldwiseone.

I just don't know how someone can do that to someone they have been with and especially thirty years ... Even if you are not in love, surely respect and care is still there ?
I don't want to make excuses for them but a part of me does wonder if "out of sight, out of mind" really is the key for them, they have the distraction of the OW (are they just settling because they have to now)and can just plod along ... There must come a time though when regret and guilt catches up with them because it does with us all at some point doesnt it.

I to have had my ex say he had done it now, he didn't know if it was the right thing or the wrong but he'd only find out if he walked the path he had chosen.
He wanted to find happiness - what he forgets is no relationship is new forever, it soon settles into the same routine except with a lot more baggage and hurt behind them - it will be then that they realise that what they had before wasn't so bad after all - only we will be much happier in ourselves too care.
I think we will all be the winners in this and in the end they will have lost so much more than we did.

Agree with a lot of the comments here. As time goes by they gain a new perspective about the ex, a more realistic one. There was a good reason that the marriage lasted a long time. And they can never replicate that family with someone else. Nobody can replace their own children, their own family.

Adult children rarely accept the third person complicit in the affair. But they will accept a new partner of the other parent, because they had no part in events.

We will heal. Meantime, the truth only dawns on them as it actually happens and it's all too late.

Eight months to the day since he left

I've achieved a lot in that time, both practically and emotionally. I've posted enough on here to not bother going through it again.

The best things though are the things that I had forgotten about, the things that so dominated my life for seven long years. The things I really have to recall from the back of my mind, and I think, thank God I'm no longer there.

One thing that hasn't changed is that the OW is still trying to manipulate him. Now she is trying to manipulate him to strike against me financially. One day, when he moves on to someone else, as he will, she will have a new victim to target. And whatever relations are like between me and him, I will meet his new partner and tell her all. And armed with the knowledge I have gathered over many years, I sincerely hope she will finally get that poisonous deranged being out of all of our lives once and for all.

Best of all, though, I hope my husband finally wakes up and sees her for what she is. And does what he has tried to do so many times. Leave her. Realise that he is not responsible for her mental instability which was apparent very early on. Realise that she was the one who destroyed his marriage and his relationship with his sons.

Meantime, having influenced him to her ways, she now has to live with the thoroughly unpleasant person she created.

Unlike her, I can do better than that.

Unlike her I also have his salary and all of his spending going through the joint bank account. And I still use the credit card in his name. And am fully financially supported by him.

And am also still married to him.

He seems more than happy with these arrangements.

And so am I.

Life could be a lot worse.

I'm sinking tonight.

I'm so bloody angry. Dd after weeks of not mentioning ex at all has now been having bouts of sadness the last couple of days and saying she wants him. It makes my blood boil. I have to calmly tell her that I'm sorry and that he's gone but that I love her lots and we can play animals or read or go to the park to take her mind off it. She is 2.5 for goodness sake, what has she ever done to deserve this?! How can he live with himself? Does she really not deserve more than this.

I kid myself that it's eating him up inside but I know it's not, he's offloading the life of Riley where all he thinks about is himself and OW. They lay in at weekends, go out to dinner, don't have to cook clean or do laundry if they don't want to. They will be telling themselves how wonderful their relationship is and how in love they are and I bet dd and the unborn baby are never even mentioned.

Everyone keeps telling me it won't last with ow and that not seeing his children will mess him up but would it really be any better if he was or is suffering?! It doesn't bring me much comfort I'm afraid.

I don't resent the work load, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the bedtimes, the early mornings, the bathing, the gardening, the shopping, the tidying, the teaching and the tantrums. Because hearing her little voice first thing in the morning and seeing her little face is worth it all and soon we will be 3 musketeers on an amazing journey of discovery in family life together. But I sore sent having to break her heart and remind her that he is gone when she asks for him because I don't deserve to have to do that and she doesn't deserve to hear it. Couldn't he at least have been a half decent father? Or a father at all? Fucking bastard. Now I'm crying and I don't even know why. What do I want? I don't want him back, I'm not even sure I want him to have contact again, I just wanted to be reassured that he cared about her - at all. But he doesn't does he.

2little the thing I find hardest to deal with in my situation is my ex having so little contact with his young adult sons. That must be multiplied so many times when they Re so young and don't have the perspective that adults do.

I have no idea what makes them abandon their children, but it's probably avoiding seeing what damage they have done, what they have given up. They choose to avoid. It's cowardly, it's cruel and it's unforgivable.

You are right, though. You have the most precious gift with you, and absolutely nothing on earth is worth more than your children.

2little trying to put this tactfully, but hard as it is to keep telling her he's gone, it is gradually making it final for her. And in time she will accept it as fact. You are not giving her false hope. Its awful having to discuss this about a 2.5 year old. What an absolutely selfish cold hearted bastard he is

I just hate breaking her heart. Her face when I tell her that and the tears is awful. My stepson has become friends with ow on facebook now according to a friend - another kick in the teeth. They're clearly still together, still going strong. I hate him and I hate ow and I hate that I am forced to feel these negative emotions which do me no good at all.

What if I'm making it final for Dd and he waltzes back into her life again. She won't trust me anymore.

Will he really stay away from dd and the new baby forever? Do people do that? I want answers that just aren't possible, to know what on earth he's thinking, what lies he's fed ow and his family and friends to justify his disgusting behaviour. I want to know that one day we will wake up and I won't think about him at all.

A mother's instinct is to protect her children. It's heartbreaking having to do this. And of course how can you say with certainty what he will do. It's far too complicated for a little one.

As for your feelings of anger, well it's all part of your grieving process. It need to be expressed, dealt with, so you can eventually heal. Suppressed feelings will just come back at a later date. I dealt with my anger. It helped me deal with the heartbreak. I got past the anger and got to meh. And then for a time the anger started again for a short time. I hated feeling like that again. But we just have to go with our feelings. It just all needs to be gone through.

And the endless questions you have, yes I've been there too. It does pass.

It's all a bloody awful emotional minefield we have to cross.

I'm eight months down the line from his leaving. I promise you, it really does get better. But be prepared for emotional setbacks.

KOKO xx

Thank you izzie, it's been 5 months since he left now but I guess in the beginning there was a big question mark over whether he'd come back so I didn't start dealing with it straight away.
I've come a long way and I can see that, I am me and I like that person, I'm not a chameleon anymore trying to change a be who I think he wants me to be at any given time to make him happy. I am finding little bits of joy and happiness in each day especially with my dd. I've got myself financially stable, done a few bits to the house, more on top of the everyday household stuff And I'm cooking again. I haven't contacted him and vice versa which is a strength I've never had before. I don't cry as much. I can finally see that we are better off without him and that we deserve so much more. I see him for the cowardly, lying cheating, immature man that he is and ow for the fool who believes his tripe.

I have to remind myself of these things and also that any man who can abandon his children by choice really deserves nothing in this life.

I just wish there weren't the emotional set backs, I can see more ahead, giving birth, Christmas, birthdays, fathers days, times which should've been shared.

I hope I too reach a lot more meh in 3 months time when I am where you are izzie, it's so sad that your ex doesn't bother with his adult sons now, he's built a relationship all their lives, how can he walk away from that? x

Ive been much better the last few weeks.
Slowly though I'm hit again that I have been left with a 4 and a 3 year old to bring up.
I don't get any support and it's really hard. Two days a month is what he has them and I bet the OW is laughing all the way to the cinema.
Her exdh has her child half of the time, I just don't know what I did to deserve being left I know none of us deserve this but I really don't know how anyone can do it.

The last few days have been hard.
The children are playing me up something rotten and I'm struggling to juggle work and them.

I don't know how anyone chooses their own happiness over their children's and the mother who will raise them.

Hi everyone, Lost internet connection yestersday, so couldn't post, 1st world problems eh?

I'm nine months down the line from him leaving 2little so you are doing incredibly in the circumstances.

Some wise words from izzie as usual, given with a lot of thought and compassion. Unfortunately, we'll never know the whys and wherefore s in a lot of our situations, and we can tie ourselves in knots trying to fathom out their reasoning my love. Don't bother, it doesn't get you anywhere, and only brings you pain. If you have time, read through some of the back threads, you will see we felt exactly the same as you.

There will be emotional setbacks ahead for you, I'm not going to lie and pretend life is all kittens and roses further on. But you will be better able to deal with it and the recovery will be quicker.

The man is a complete cunt to leave a pregnant partner and a small child in such a callous way, life's responsibilties got too much for the poor sod, so he moved on to someone who had none. He'll probably do the same to her as well, what a 'prize' she has won herself. KOKO , my lovely girl, x

RMA

Caught up quickly ladies. Mmmm . To everyone who is struggling . My ExW displays the exact same qualities ( ha! ) that your twunts have / do / will do.
I am being blamed for the breakdown of our marriage .

2little bambino

Some words some times give you a little comfort. I am 7 months down the divorce dual carriageway . Previous threads do offer you help & hope, shit I was floored for weeks. Even now I have s**t days but I process them knowing that in one hour I feel a little ( not a lot ) better. Then the next day better again .

My head does the same as you. Why ? Why ? Why ? I still weep ( not sob ) , I still wonder what if ? But she cannot stop lying even now . She refuses to accept any blame.

Try something to perhaps break out of the cycle of questioning yourself and the situation. I am not saying it is easy nor I am I being flippant, but time , hourly, daily, weekly , will ease ( just ease ) not resolve these horrible crippling nasty thoughts because I have been there with all the gang on here too. I have lived it & still am , as we all still are. Some days are not so good, but those days are less now than the days that are GOOD.

Even if you just read this and it takes your mind off the shit , then just mark this and come back to it and know that as a man ( or Random Man as I have been named ) I feel for you - I know it hurts , and it is not a visible pain , something we have to carry in our hearts that nobody can see, if it was visible more people would maybe empathise. So I am reminding you all , we as a gang on MN will always listen / read / post / advise / moan / support, I don't want to belittle any one experience but we are all in the same boat, just to let you all know that we have got each others backs as we paddle along to that horizon where it will be better. It will be ( I never thought I would laugh ever again when she fucked off ) but I do laugh now. MOre laughter than tears for certain .

KOKO xxxx.

I really wish all of the arseholes who have inflicted such life changing pain on all of us could actually READ what they have done. The problem is, they are so lacking in any humanity and self-awareness that they would never "get it". As the OW in my case said to me only three months after my husband left me after she issued him with an ultimatum..."we are so bored of your pitiful bleating". That one sentence says more about that woman than anything else she has ever written/done/said. Utter mind blowing cruelty.

As Drifting says, it really is only small bites at a time, you have to allow yourself to grieve, you have to allow the feelings to wash over you because otherwise you will never be able to make any sense of them. I can safely say that nearly two years on I am hugely better than I was. Yes, the scars will remain on me...and indeed my children...for the rest of our lives, however, by their very acts, we can be glad that these inadequate beings are no longer in our lives because they have freed us. I am finding that freedom very very attractive now...

KOKO all

Time for a jessagram I think, she is a bit p'eed off with me for putting her in kennels while we has a short break.... I think a sausage bribe is in order....