HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Using Mrs after divorce.....you can use any title you want. In my experience women tend to keep their married name and Mrs title unless it's for emotional reasons

www.deedpoll.org.uk/AWomansRightsUponDivorce.html

bambino I agree with Hobbit. I have had a lot of this type of behaviour from the ex where he has refused to pass responsibility for certain things, even though I'm more than capable of doing them. He has also resisted attempts to negotiate a financial settlement. its like they want to retain a grip on their old life. All very strange and we can only speculate as to why.

For your part, though, as advised, keep things businesslike and get any arrangements formalised so that he plays the part of ex partner, rather than someone who thinks they have any say in your life.

Right now.....yes, there is your answer.

You are clearly making progress with your own life and realising that there is indeed happiness to be gained without him. Just keep reminding yourself of that

Well, today is my 27th wedding anniversary, I doubt if he will even give it a second thought, and that hurts tbh. He just wants me gone.
But hey-ho, it's just another hurdle to clamber over, another day done, but these days just seem to trip you up, and make you grieve for what's lost, and the person that you thought they were.

He probably has Hobbit but I'm sure he'd never admit to it.

I agree he probably has hobbit but is too proud to admit it. He probably only wants rid because he can't live with himself and what it's done. I don't believe these men are ever truly happy, they just have to pretend they are to justify what they've done.
Look at how far you've come without him, go you! Big hugs xx

Agree with "braving" and "2little2"
Although I would never do what these men have done so callously I do sometimes try and stand in their shoes to understand their mindset.
I think it must be much easier for them to keep going in the beginning as opposed to looking back, it's easier to bury your head in the sand push the ones you've hurt away so you don't have to see it and than to admit what you have done.
There must come a point though that they hit the wall and it slaps them in the face most probably when they are in too deep.

I think it must be much easier for them to keep going in the beginning as opposed to looking back, it's easier to bury your head in the sand push the ones you've hurt away so you don't have to see it and than to admit what you have done.
There must come a point though that they hit the wall and it slaps them in the face most probably when they are in too deep

Exactly

Hobbit it's so hard remembering the happier times, which anniversaries make us do. As we've all said before, the man we married doesn't exist anymore. And that's what we mourn.

I think in the case of your ex he seems to be rushing at it in the hope that he won't have time to think about what he's doing. A bit like jumping off a cliff. If you stand there and think about it, sense would pull you back. But if you run at it, it's too late, deed done. Of course at some stage he will crash on the rocks. Fools rush in and all that.

For you my lovely, you deserve so much more

Well, I was doing ok today, until I had an email from him pushing about the consent order and why it was taking so long, I really didn't need that today, he could have waited, so have had a few tears now, he obviously didn't even remember it was our anniversary, the insensitive clown.

I'm so fed up of him constantly disregarding and disrespecting my feelings, it's as if he's in a total bubble and nothing can reach him, he is supposedly a decent man, a local counsellor and "do gooder" but not when it comes to his wife and family obviously.

To say I despise him with every fibre of my being is an understatement, I am filled with rage and resentment at his callous treatment of me and his lack of contact with his sons. Why does he still have the power to hurt me?

Thanks everyone for your kind remarks and advice, I'll be fine tomorrow, just a little down today, xx

Hobbit I feel every bit of that for you. The damage done leading up to their leaving, plus their actions afterwards, have a massive effect in terms of self esteem. We all logically know it's not us, it's them, but it's impossible to maintain that mindset all the time, we are human after all.

I don't for one minute think that they realise the sheer scale of the destruction they leave in their wake. How on earth could you live with yourself knowing that. They bury their heads, run away, try to create friction to justify their irrational acts, and then, when it gets a bit too hot for them, they start blaming us for their actions, their lack of contact with their sons. I have been accused of all of this myself. Yet he also acknowledged and actually thanked me for all the efforts I made to make things good and better in our marriage, including as it was falling apart, in no small part thanks to his misplaced loyalty towards the woman intent on destroying everything he held dear.

I digress.

We have the emotional maturity to work through our feelings, to acknowledge our hurt and anger. And that's why he still has the power to hurt you.

You will heal.

And when he has done the deed, taken time to breathe from it, then sees his new reality is actually permanent, that his sons are strangers, that the woman who grew up with him and built his home and family with him is now gone.......then, only then, will he start to gradually feel the loss that is so immediate and apparent to those on the other side of it. He can't bury stuff forever, it will eventually surface.

You are doing your penance now. His is yet to come. But you won't rejoice in it. You will be too emotionally detached to feel anything.

Hold on in there xx

Yes, tomorrow will be better

Hobbit X

You are all such diamonds, thank you, thank you for understanding, and feeling what I feel. No one knows unless they've lived it, I have been very lucky to have had your support.

It hurts at the moment, but it will pass, I recognise that is true, what he says and does will no longer affect me.

Nice one what I loved the "vibe" I just got from your post.. Yes indeed!

what it's such a lovely feeling, that peace and calm. I've had those moments too. When I was in the thick of my crap I wrote a bit of a diary every now and again. And one entry was fantasising about being a couple of years down the line, sitting in the garden of my new home, with my sons around, and just feeling calm and quietly contented. That's what I'm aiming for

For my lovely dad on his birthday. Gone 17 years.

Unforgettable

Thanks paddling my love, it's just a blip, you think you're doing really well and starting to get over the worst of it and then one unthinking remark or email sends you down again.

But like another poster said, the lows become less and quicker to recover from, and you heal faster.
It's just I've spent more than half my life with this man, and I'm not going to recover from the shock of his betrayal in 8 months.

Hobbit

27 year anniversary.

You met him in his prime and had his best years. His mistress, wife-to-be (or whatever she is) has got herself an old fucker who betrayed his wife and kids to be with her and is only going to go downhill from here on in.

As my old mum would say 'you can't build happiness on someone else's unhappiness' and never was a truer word spoken.

Just remember it will be her wiping his arse when he shits himself in old age, and it's her who will have to watch him getting older, fatter, balder, frailer and diminished. From what you wrote about him in the mediation process and some of the things he said, he's obviously a self centred, self pitying old fart and that is only going to get worse the older he gets. Let him delude himself that he's found someone and something that will make him happier. My prediction is that the lycra clad knob end is going to come crashing down to earth with an almighty bang sooner, rather than later.

You on the other hand are funny, clever, witty .. and according to WWK gorgeous with it. Obviously we only have the written word to go on, but your humour, irreverence, joie de vivre ... just sing out in every post you make. If I was that way inclined (and I'm straight up, heterosexual, man fancying, unfortunately) I could quite easily have fallen in love with you myself, just based on what you write.

You've crossed a lot of milestones since your H cheated on you, and the 27 year anniversary is just another one. As time passes it will become easier and you know that, without me telling you, because you are also pragmatic, practical and bright. That you have an emotional, vulnerable aspect to you also, only makes you more special

I just wanted to say to you that there is one thing I "know" beyond any shadow of a doubt. It is your H who is going to be the one with all the regrets. It is your H who is going to be the unhappy one. And it is going to be you who is going to look back on this time and see it, not as a loss, but as a gain, an emancipation and the opening up of a new life, and one that is full of possibilities.

Further down the line, months, years, there will be a 'conversation'. And your ex will voice to you all his regrets, his sadnesses, his mistakes. Only then, unlike now, you won't be losing any sleep over it. You won't feel anything ... other than pity maybe, because your H free life will be better than you can even begin to imagine it could be.

Trust me. I know what I'm talking about!

Font
x

I've been feeling more and more meh, but I have a solicitor appointment this week and a wedding anniversary v soon. I'm thinking it will probably knock me back.

STBXH is still miserable and full of regrets and wtf have I done. I'm a bit concerned about how actually receiving the divorce petition will affect him? It's either going to be anger or heartbreak. Or both. Thing is, he can't manage his emotions at all, so I'm not looking forward to it.

I think he might crash on the anniversary too. You'd think I'd left him. He's totally fucked up actually. The longer he's on his own and struggling to cope the more glaringly obvious are his issues. He's unstable.

I'm doing quite well myself.

Hugs and to all on here.

Well said Font!!

Hobbit I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you x