HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I never changed my name when I got married. I didn't want to take on his because it really, really, really didn't match my first name.

I would have been a walking embarrassment.

Even in my last job, my boss apologised for my first name . I said I had no issue with my first name, but if she did then so be it, she was the boss!

I have always insisted on the term 'Ms' rather than Mrs or Miss. But it's about choice - go with what you're comfortable with.

I like being a Mrs and I love my surname. It's pretty and goes well with my first name. I prefer it to my maiden name. So shall be keeping it.

What's so good is that we get a choice. We can be whoever we want to be

Some people excel at spouting sanctimonious drivel.

And thereby give away their true selves.

Occasionally the mask totally slips.

But nobody was fooled anyway.

Self delusion.

The gift that keeps on giving.

MrsC...so many words starting with C.......thinking cap on ;-)

I once knew a woman who didn't want to keep her married name, but didn't want to revert back to her maiden name either following her divorce. As her family was originally Irish, she used the Irish version of her maiden name. It was something like 'D'Bharra' as opposed to 'Barry'. It sounded pretty cool!!

Wise....so many...thunk hard enough, cunt :-) x

I always used my maiden name for work anyway. Never got round to changing my passport or driving licence so not too many changes for me really. Going to revert back to maiden name as a contact for the school as my youngest wants me to have the same name as her and that's the one she has (I didn't give her dads surname on the birth certificate as to be honest it's awful and she would have had the piss taken out of her)

Hello all,

Hope you're all ok.

I agree with the name sentiments, it's up to us, we get to decide who we want to be in every sense, feels quite liberating. We were never married and I gave him the choice when dd was born and he wanted her to have my surname so at least we will have the same as will new baby. I feel odd that I can't put him on the birth certificate unless he's there - unlikely as we're now on week 6 of no contact. It seems sad to leave it blank for the baby but then I agree that he shouldn't have parental responsibility if he is no part of their lives.

We're home from holiday, we had such a lovely time, had a couple of wobbles but managed to smile, laugh and enjoy myself too.

I keep telling myself, he has robbed me of a family, my self esteem and my trust in men but I will not allow him to rob me of the joy of raising my babies! I just wish I could stop wondering where he is and what he's thinking and planning.

Koko everyone you're doing great even when you don't feel like it because this is tough! Xx

I'm so glad you had a great holiday, 2little you certainly deserve to have some R and R from this shit.
How can these excuses for men justify abandoning contact with their little ones? I just don't get how they can behave this way, and still look at themselves in the mirror. They must know that their children are asking for them and wondering what has happened.
What are they thinking? That their children are better off without them?
It makes my piss boil, that in your case he has left you while pregnant with a planned baby, did he change his mind half way through? It takes a special kind of scumbag to do that.
Can you move nearer to your family so they can help you with the new baby? Thinking of you honey, you are so strong, x

Re the name thing, I'm going to keep my married name as to be the same as my sons. I'm not sure whether to be a Mrs or a Ms, can you call yourself Mrs when you are divorced? Legally I mean.
I suppose you can if you want to. Or I could call myself Miss , sounds a bit odd though, me being of advanced years....
People might think I'm a mad cat lady like WWK ....

Thank you hobbit. I genuinely have no idea what he is or was thinking. One minute I pity him and think he's a very screwed up man who needs help and the next I just think he's a bastard who is choosing to do as he pleases with no regard at all for the people who suffer the consequences. I guarantee he thinks the children are better off without him and he sees them as my children not his or ours.

Sadly moving closer to my family isn't really an option for lots of reasons. It's more expensive there, our life is here and we're settled, I also really love it here. My only family is my parents and they both still work full time so couldn't offer much extra help sadly. But what I really don't like is that his family live right near mine and I couldn't face bumping into them all the time.
I sort of feel like this is my mess, it has happened because of decisions I made like to have children with him and I can't really rely on anyone else to help because it's not their problem. I am scared though, really scared.

God this should all be so different :(

It's not in any way your fault, 2little, don't blame yourself for the selfish actions of this man. You had children together because you planned a family together, how were you to know he would choose to walk away from his responsibilties before your baby is even born?
KOKO lovely lady, you're doing so well, I'm in awe of your strength, x

Hobbit you can call yourself absolutely anything you want - Miss Nosy Caaaah or Ms Imighthavehad Wine That sort of change needs a deed poll. Reverting to your maiden name needs a copy of the Decree Absolute and your birth certificate

Don't want to revert to maiden name bobsy , just wondered about calling me self Mrs, it would probably piss FF off though, so I might do just that for the shits and giggles .
I'm an evil caah me....

2little you are a total - you have got what we have all had plus a bit extra . The man is a total C**T and I hope that he suffers with what he has done for the rest of his life. I am sure that his family are mortified as well if they have any shred of decency ...ALL of the things you are saying are completely 100% to be expected - wondering about him etc. We have all been there!

I will not allow him to rob me off the job of raising my babies - you see your strength shines through in all of this!!

Do you have someone who is able to help when it comes to having your baby i.e.. looking after your other little one and being with you?

2little so pleased you had a good holiday and you managed to enjoy yourself. You are doing so well and yes you should stay where you feel comfortable. Unfortunately he is only saying what he is re the DC so that he can distance himself from them and have no responsibility for them. My ex did the same, made out how much better off they would be etc - cowards way out!

Can I ask, will you still get maintenance if you don't put his name on the birth certificate? Have you taken advice on this?

I would also add that at the very least he should step up and put his name on the birth certificate - it would be terrible thing for him not to do this...can he be forced to do a DNA and admit paternity?

2little You've come such a long way since you started posting. We could all see the strength you had - despite the trauma you were going through. So glad you had a good holiday. You sound as if you are a fab mum to your little one and bump.

Thank you all. I really wish I was as strong as you all think I am!
He pays maintenance and we had already agreed the increase for when baby arrives so hopefully he will stick to it but who knows at this rate.
As far as I know because we aren't married I can't put his name on the birth certificate without him there, however I can't force him to be there either. This will mean he has no parental responsibility but he is still liable for maintenance unless he contests paternity which he knows would be expensive and a waste of time.

When I have angry moments I don't know how he looks at himself in the mirror, how he sleeps at night or answers people who ask him how his dd is, how he copes when he sees a little girl with blonde curly hair like dd.

But what's the alternative? Begging him to come back - no thanks. Pleading with him to be a dad for dd and the baby - I don't have the energy, so I'm left with just getting on with it and leaving him to it.

The sad thing is he was a great dad and she adored him, he went to groups with her and cooked for her etc. why do this? I shall never understand.

I think about the OW too much. Has she made him choose her or his kids and he's just a weak twat? Will she want kids one day? Is she pregnant? Are they actually happy knowing that they've caused this to someone else? How much does she know? Does he tell anyone the actual truth?
My head actually spins when I think about it.

I have a fab birthing partner who's been through breast cancer so I know she'll keep me strong. I have good friends but none without children really who have free time to help. My parents will come up for 10 days after the baby is born and then it will just be us and a good routine and super organisation I think!

You women on here keep me going, ground me and make me feel normal when I wonder if I'm going crazy. Show me compassion when others in RL make me feel that I should be manning up and getting on with it more, for that I can't thank you enough xxx

2little you sound extremely well grounded considering. And no you won't get told to man up on here because we know that that is not the way it works

I posted on here a while ago.
I felt like I had regressed.
That I wasn't moving on as I thought I should be.
A bit of my backstory -
My partner left New Year's Eve.
Lots of excuses but basically it turned out him and his married supervisor were at least having an emotional affair.
I had to leave my home. Start again and settle nearer to my family. New job. New schools.
For the most part we are happy.
We've made a home and I am finding pieces of me I enjoy again.
I am though struggling, I feel like I'm on the cusp of acceptance now.

I've accepted he's not coming back.
I've accepted that he chose her over me and often his children too.

On paper we weren't marriage so we were able to split pretty easily.
He wasn't the best to me he treated me like nothing - often reminding me he didn't want me anymore - that I was just a statistic, anyone could be the mother of his children and being less than helpful with child care etc.
He has the children twice a month.
He has them on days that suit him.
He is hiding his relationship with the OW she left her husband for him and now works with him in the business we were about to set up.
He did change towards me, I was finding his hot and cold behaviour disconcerting, wondering if he was regretting his decisions.
He still blows hot and cold but I try and ignore it. I was picking him up on things but he would say he doesn't want me he doesn't want to be with me- right now!!
A few evenings ago he messaged me something he had seen on Facebook at 11 I clock at night saying though of you when I saw this - if I had text him that he would have retorted the were not together anymore you don't need to think of me.
Today I am I'll and i asked if it would be possible for him to have the children and that I didn't expect him to stop his life to help me and he replied "I would though"
These tiny little things are stopping me from making that final jump into my new life and not looking back it seems though he is always hooking me back.

It sounds like he is keeping you dangling Bambino. For a start you should block him on FB if you haven't already. Make it clear you are in charge of your own actions and any correspondence should be just for the DC. And he would be "stopping his life" for the DC, not you. Do not reply to anything that has to do with just the 2 of you (ie - "saw this and thought of you") just delete. You should also get clearer cut contact arrangements for the DC - unless it suits you to have it like this.

Hi bambino, totally agree that the nice then nasty/ hot and cold is the worst as you never know where you are and can't build a status quo in the communication. It sounds like he'd like to know he still has the ability to manipulate you and that he could come back to you if he wanted to.

I think your best form of defence is to remain consistent in your own behaviour and responses and remind yourself of how far you've come and all the strength you've gained in that time and that actually you deserve far far more than the man who did this to you and your children. Xx