HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

MrsC I am sure that you would be a lot further forwards emotionally were it not for the continuing strikes against you by the ex and the OW as detailed on your threads.

Well said MrsC

However you forgot the "communication issues" for which you were equally responsible, don't forget that bit

I fully accept my part in the breakdown of my marriage. But there is a point where the responsibility was no longer mine. All this is detailed on these threads. Despite everything, I was prepared to be civilised and friendly once he left. And to maintain some sense of family for my young adult sons. However, as detailed on this thread, it seems the ex had other ideas. This is detailed on these threads.

My experiences are minor compared to that of some on this thread.

All of us on this thread will recover and thrive. We are processing our emotions and dealing with whatever other issues have been forced upon us, due to the actions of the exes AFTER they left. And as such, having processed those emotions, we will be able to achieve a better and happier existence.

The processing of emotions is healthy. It is not undignified.

When I headed up the thread I quoted Fontella's words:
"Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I feel incredibly lucky and honoured to have met so many of these women on here. There is a lot of mutual support, laughs and friendship behind the scenes. Without them, and without this thread, I would be in a dark place. I have been able to offload all my natural feelings without judgment. If my ex husband had done the same, our marriage would have survived. As it is, I am blossoming in my new role as a proud single woman.

I intend to have a happy life. I will deal with my emotions until spent. And then, being fully healed, they will not come back to bite me. Although I'm sure I will have the odd flashback.

AND most of all, I will keep my friends on here. NOT because we form some sort of first wives club. But because they are bloody good company and make me howl with laughter.

Here here izzie and all of you defending us and the fact that we are very much going through the motions of the trauma, shock, crap and turmoil that these ex partners have and are throwing at us.

I'm having a blip, there's something wrong with my car, something expensive, I only bought it a few weeks ago but privately so can't really go back and it's not something they'd have known about. I only bought the car because someone wrote off my previous one, I can't take much more bad luck surely? Although I shouldn't tempt fate.

It's not the end of the world I know but it's just something else to deal with whilst 27 weeks pregnant and alone with a toddler. The logistics alone of getting a car dropped to a garage is a nightmare not to mention the cost! More money which I don't have.
And I know it's totally unrelated but I look to blame him, why the fuck should he walk into the sunset with no responsibilities. He never ever has to think about the logistics of doing something with a child in tow. It appears he doesn't even have to acknowledge he has that child or one on the way.
I really hope they do find themselves in the same mundane relationships with the baggage of the previous one whilst we actually deal with our feelings and move on and heal. I hope he regrets this and I hope it haunts him but if it doesn't I don't care, either way it all goes to show he's an arse and we deserve better, me and my children.

Sorry for the rant x

Izzie amazing words and so so true for all of us here struggling with this day to day stuff just trying to keep it together

Great inspirational words Paddling

Hi paddling my love, we haven't heard from you for a while, it's lovely to hear you are stronger and your family is doing well, KOKO x

[WWK is in impish mood...so this post is not to be taken seriously, I will do serious once I've got my first glass of wine digested...I've just got in from wurk].

Hello, sorry I've not been around much as clearly the fecking commute is a killer! The good news is (for the Walesy peeps...)

WWK is exiting the vicinity shortly

The bad new is (for the Scottie peeps)

WWK is entering the vicinity.

I have found a new abode. It's pretty much the same size as current gaff but minus a dining room and a few outhouses. However, it is plus a bedroom so I shall have an office in one room rather than my current set up of a divorce room (all the fecking paperwork and dead printers...) and a bedroom/MN room.

It also means I do not have a 45 minute trip to buy wine. The post office sells wine, right? If not, can you send wine via post office? My address is:

WWK's New Gaff
30 mins from new job.
Scotland.

Scottish Post Code.

Stoopidly, I insisted they painted the fecking place before I move in. Clearly this was daft me in action - we all know a good paint job is pure therapy (Izzie I aspire to be as zen-like as you!).

In other news. I have killed my nu car (again!). It's poorly and in the garage.

So I am in the process of killing the DeathTrap Mobile as well. I am determined it shall not kill me. We have had a few altercations though...because it does not drive like a demon on Scottish roads. It's more brick like. I keep forgetting...

I am looking forward to a shorter commute. There's a bus service right next to my new place. I may yet survive my past sins. Or at least be able to cope without one or other car needing a 'retreat' every month.

THIS SHIT IS HARD. But, with every step, I leave the past.

And, as always, the music says it all. Tonight...this came on the radio as I drove home.

It fits with my mindset for the last 15 months.

And it's poignant for personal reasons.

And I'd completely forgotten about it...despite its significance.

wwk well done and hats off to building your new future, being a nosy caah I started to listen to that track but felt myself getting emosh so turned it off right away, take care with those drives lady

What lovely words Izzie I agree with all that you say. It's been three years for me and I hope I won't spend my life feeling bitter but I will never accept that there was any excuse for him cheating and abandoning his family.

WWK great to hear your news, all so positive. Funny that I've spent my life listening to that song and similar songs and they were always meaningless to me, they were nice songs that described someone else's life. Now they have taken on a new personal meaning and I can't listen without getting emotional. My life was quite shallow really. It was rare for me to cry. Oh how different the past three years have been. I'm glad I've become a deeper person I just wish I could have done it in a less painful way.

In other news I was foolish enough to think that once a court had ruled that would be the end of it. Everything decided. But no such luck because now my ex is trying to bully me at every opportunity into doing things that do not comply with the order.

paddling so good to hear from you and you sound good - thats what I need a "stable" footing - so much is still dependant on him.

izzie great words - I ditto everything you've said

well your humour still coming through thick & fast - And, as always, the music says it all- totally agree with this - a certain song which I have picked out as being all about my future comes on the radio everytime I am having a wobble.

listened to your song well thought I was going to blub too semtex but the end is v uplifting - give it another try.

what im loving your updates re McChap -teenage snogging is good

tabby - agree never any excuse other than they are weak! sorry you are still having to contend with fuckwittery

my emotions are all over the place again - when I can focus on something other than divorce or have company I am ok - but as soon as I have to start dealing with X or the fecking paperwork (well i have a divorce table - where does it all come from) the stress gets to me and I can feel panic building!

i have come to the conclusion that we are going all the way with this - X is building a case against me it is quite clear to see and something really peculiar has just struck me - the spiritual nutter in me has been looking up why all these random people keep coming up to talk to me and I ended up on some site last night about people with "healing" powers -one of the abilities is being able to see things "objectively" and as if you are a "quiet observer" to your own situation- sometimes when my emotions have subsided I feel i can do this - need to look into this some more

good day everyone KOKO LGOxx

(PS this is my mood before any fuckwittery - i will observe how it changes throughout the day)

Greenberet
If I can give you any advice about the paperwork, it would be to keep meticulously organised and stay ahead of the game. And store it away from you when you are not doing it, or it will spread really toxic vibes throughout the house!! Buy a big box or something and put it under your table out of sight.

I also stopped accepting emails from my ex to cut down on all the toxic crap being dumped in my inbox all day and night by him. If it was important enough, he had to actually sit down and write a letter and post it to me. Believe me, it has driven him nuts as he is an email and text addict, and has resulted in significantly cutting down on communications from him (apart from when he goes nuts after a hearing that doesn't go his way).

I started mocking up Affidavits and similar and timelines in advance to save on doing last minute paperwork before court hearings (that can often be sprung on you with 1-2 weeks notice). You can then just adapt and update them as needed.

I've also learnt that the Judges hardly read any of it in court anyway!!
xx

I have had a huge amount of help and support from the good folks of MN which I really appreciate but, in RL, it has been v different. Some friends have been absolutely bloody brilliant but, some have dropped me like a stone. Is this normal??

I've not experienced being dropped in RL, but I've certainly heard that said by others. A friend of mine, divorced, said she no longer gets invited to couple type gatherings by a good friend of hers. She's miffed about it but would never say anything.

Yes Dona - it's perfectly normal. You have to be in this to understand it.

The vast majority of friends 'we' had...didn't want to take sides.

Once I realised what I was married to, I didn't want indifferent friends so I dropped them like a stone.

I'm proud to have some great friends. Some new, some old. All the same kind of people. My kind of people.

They don't judge me for him.

Can't sleep.

Can I ask the wise ladies on here, do you have to change your name back to your maiden name when you get divorced?

This is not a divorce I want. I was proud to be his wife, and more importantly, I want to have the same surname as my DCs. I was married when I had them (not that that matters nowadays but it matters to me). And I never much liked my maiden name.

So do I stay Mrs C (confusing I'm not married), or Miss C (but not my maiden name) or back to Miss X, and to feeling like a child again. Or I supposed there is the dreaded Ms which I hate, but is probably where I will have to be.

Yet another thing to deal with in all this...

Cassa You can do whatever you want, it's your name legally, I'm keeping mine as I want the same name as dd. You can legally change to your maiden name or choose a new one and change using deed poll.

Mrs or Ms is trickier, I'm planning to stick with Mrs, but I'll see how I feel, I might chop and change depending on the situation.

Changing your name is a pain, so many organisations to tell, driving licence, passport etc.

Thanks braving that makes sense, and is helpful. I feel I am Mrs C, even if Mr C isn't around anymore. I use the name at work in my profession too so it would be hard to change.

I will be remaining as Mrs C Cassawoof, I have had this surname for 15 years now and share it with my son, hence it will remain. Also, it's such a pain to tell everybody and change everything. However, I have considered double-barreling it with my maiden name. We'll see....

Cassa totally up to you. I actually prefer my maiden name but don't want to be Mrs maiden name as that was my mum's name, so I guess I'll have to be the dreaded Ms (don't like it either) re the dc, one has already changed her name by deed poll to my maiden name, the other will probably stay as she is. Their choice

Donatello my ex made is quite clear that if certain mutual friends continued to be friends with me, he wouldn't be friends with them. This included his DD and grandkids from his 1st marriage. He now has NC with them. I've just distanced myself from them, and while they are quite happy to chat when he's not around I leave them to it.

I'm planning to change back to my maiden name and be Ms. Not a title I love, but I certainly don't want to be Mrs and Miss seems odd now. I know it'll be an admin pain, but it's shaking the dust of an abusive marriage off my feet.

I like my maiden name and I love my Dad's family of Norfolk poachers, war heros, loving, accepting, fallible people, general Characters. If I didn't love them, I'd look at my Mum's maiden name and trawl through family history for the "right" surname.

But I choose. Having not been allowed to choose as much as my own knickers for nearly 2 decades, I choose my new surname.