HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Well done izzie

I hate things like that, its just cowardly! sounds like they have plenty of issues they could be dealing with rather than poking their noses in your business.

????? What was that about?

Hello all
Green and what you see I'm so sorry you still seem to be receiving so much crap for your ex's. You are brave strong ladies and are doing brilliantly in tough circumstances.

I am awake having a wobble, I can't sleep for thoughts of everything. We're having a brilliant holiday but it reminds me that when we're home there's no one to share the joy with let alone the tough times, no one to take photos and capture the moments of me and my children together. I can't seem to ever see an amicable outcome from all this between him and I. He is incapable of putting the children first, incapable of financial stability and incapable of telling the truth. Whenever he doesn't like something he will forever run away and abandon responsibility. My children don't deserve that but my heart is breaking for the sad reality that our lives are better without him when it just shouldn't be that way.
And as for OW, Jesus only knows what he's told her to make her think that it's ok to abandon his children through choice.
When we return from holiday it is approximately 10 weeks until I give birth and I have to accept that nothing is going to change in those 10 weeks and remind myself not to spend the time thinking of what he's missed or is missing but ensuring that I am making the most of all the precious time.
What an arsehole, why did I ever fall in love let alone decide to have children with a man with no morals. I am a fool.

2little - don't know all of the background yet. Those is a long thread that moves v quickly, but I know how you're feeling.
I keep telling myself that if he could walk away from his children that readily & choose Ow over them & blame me for pushing him away then he's not the man I married & children are smart & will figure him out longer term.
Try not to torture yourself - get rest & enjoy your special time with your oldest before baby comes along - my oldest is desperate for attention bless her & ex was around on & off for first 4 months for me
Dd2 back asleep so I'm going to join her before the chaos of another day kicks in.
Live well - show him what he's missing.

what a surprise - the meeting went ahead just as I predicted but did he "allow" may father to attend - seems he never got the email that was sent to all his email addresses.

I have had a very scant email saying they want to buy our house - if all was discussed as per this email -meeting must have been all of 5 mins!

I am paranoid I know he has told me so - but I smell a rat! my instincts were right about OW - I know my instincts are reliable!

Oh & something else - the kids always seem to need to "pop" back to the house for this that or the other when he has them - and he seems very accommodating on doing this - is this his way of checking up on me?

if he was checking up on the hedges even though he never contributed yes they have been done - or was he looking for MR SB? - its ok I got him to hide under the bed! PATHETIC!

but this has really made me laugh what (partly aided by a very slutty top and lots of wine) go for it! LGO

My heart goes out to you 2little , it just seems so much more cruel to plan another child with someone and then decide to leave them. The man must have no decency or morals. He is a waste of air and skin, not worth your tears or headspace. Have the RAGE on your behalf, my love, he is a utter cunt.

2 little What an arsehole, why did I ever fall in love let alone decide to have children with a man with no morals think we can all identify with this bit

and as for I am a fool no you are not - this is him not you - as twisted said lots of good advice and try and enjoy the time you have left before the baby arrives - x

help i am beginning to feel overwhelmed and panicky - not one aspect of this divorce is going smoothly - there are issues with every aspect - house, school, business, kids everything is a bloody battle - as soon as i am on my own my head goes haywire - i need to get some course work done but i cant get my head straight to focus on this - I am constantly having to recover from the latest fuckwittery from the X. the house is looking a shit pit (apart from the hedges) and I cant be bothered to do anything about it - just want to spend all my time on here.

I know all the tools to get me through this but cant seem to apply them to myself - I even caught myself looking at an advert yesterday for retakes of year 11 - thinking I didnt know this was available and thats good so if this all impacts on the kids they can resit a year - I shouldn't even have to be contemplating this.

I have been in this mess since Xmas 2013 when X first announced he was not sure of his feelings anymore - when will this bloody end

What We'd all be horrified if one of our daughters was involved with a man like that, so you have to wonder how some of these "women " were raised.

green so the developer wants to buy the house. Well great. But that doesn't mean you have to sell. As I'm sure your sol will tell you, you don't have to sell until finances are sorted - and that is a way off yet. Have you had other valuations done? Just remember, you are in the house, you have kids, you can in no way be forced to sell just because he wants you to. In fact I would say you are in more control than he is. KOKO

Hope you don't mind me dropping in on this thread. Old wound I have been through this many years ago. I'm still trying to catch up on this thread lots to read.

I am still struggling everyone handles it differently there is no right and wrong way. Some of the things he did during this time I don't think could be believed!

It's easy to lay the blame all at one door but when someone is openly admitting they may have been an aspect of relationship or argument that may have been their fault as much as you want someone to say "oh its not you, it's HIM!"
I actually think there is something in this, I think the acknowledgement of that for some is a way of moving forwards.

For us I know it was a lack of communication neither one of us knew how to communicate anymore we just went through our day to day life in the same routine but without the important parts that kept our relationship going. It was not living it was just going through the motions.

I denied it was any of my involvement till the bitter end but in reality the only person I was kidding was myself. His friends, our joint friends (so called friends) and Family could all see how unhappy he was but I somehow failed to see I think I too was caught up in the going through the motions and the routine of life.

Although some routines are necessary especially with young children I think they do dictate our lives to the point when even our free time becomes a routine. The only time we really showed the most affection and I love you moments was saying goodbye in the morning and after work, how was your day? which was part of a routine and going through the motions.

Going through a divorce I cannot even describe a million emotions at once it's like i have blocked that time out of my mind to have not to remember it.

I think the only way to truly conclude anything is that we all hold our own answers its in there somewhere the answers that you want to ask that are left unsaid need asking too.

The only way we ever come to terms with something is finding the answers we seek and asking the questions we want to know to be amicable it much be harder in a situation where it is not amicable to get the questions we need.

My ex Husband didn't choose someone else over our children he chose someone else over me. I was fooling myself in the beginning that it was the opposite. He still visits and sees the children on a regular basis I would not say they think of him any less we are both happier in our lives and it's took me a long time to see that.

We are amicable but I am still not so amicable with his other half but my children have accepted her and get on well with her and have half siblings. I am as amicable as I have to as not to upset my own children. Several times I have reached the end of my tether and said something but it has always come to bite me in the rear so to speak.
My children are not concerned with the past they are more concerned about the here and now and who is effecting it. It's highly frustrating that I feel he got away with what he has ultimately did but the only person that ends up looking like the bad guy myself.

I spent too long feeling bitter and resentful I am at the point where most days I am fine but there is the odd day where I feel like I am still finding it hard.

hello frustrating thanks for your post - one thing we all have in common on here is that we were never told they were unhappy - did your X discuss this with you?

glad your ex still sees his kids - sadly for some of us this is not the case - how old were your kids when you split? think the perspective varies according to their age at the time - were yours young by any chance?

Im not sure its a case that we are feeling bitter and resentful - most of us are dealing with extremely manipulative men who are unable to face up to their responsibilites and are making this whole process as difficult as possible.

You are lucky you are amicable - I wanted this at the beginning but cant see this ever happening now - infact I have just had to turn down my kids sports day as X is now attending after previously saying he wouldn't. right now I cant trust myself to be anywhere near him.

Frustration. That was a thoughtful and thought provoking message. I wonder reading it if you have just 'learned' how to act so as to cause minimum upset? I am learning to do that. Especially when it comes to talking about him, OW and my boys' new baby brother. But minimum upset is a laudable aim. I just need some semblance of peace right now. Is the money stuff amicable?

Frustratingtimes To be honest I can't agree with a lot of what you've written, but we are all different people with different experiences. I'm not going to take responsibility for H's actions when all i was doing was being a good wife and mother, working and looking after our home, if he wanted anything to change be needed to say something to me. He didn't say anything because everything was fine until he decided to have an affair. H physical left my daughter as well as me, choosing to spend his time with someone else and her family, that's a choice he made, he didn't just leave me.

I hope you don't mind me being direct but this thread is about supporting each other through the hard times and if I'm honest your post is a bit condescending, I'm sure that wasn't your intention. It's probably a perspective issue of you're years down the line and have decided to forgive.

Well said Braving

Sorry if that was a bit harsh Frustratingtimes but day to day life is about routine, it's hard work is mundane at times, whoever you're with the washing needs doing, the bathroom needs cleaning, are they just going to keep moving on or will they realise they've torn their family apart, damaged their children and ruined everyone's financial security just to be doing the same things somewhere else, the newness wears off.

Well said braving indeed. It is the easiest thing in the world telling people how they should think, and what they should do and feel. The hardest thing in the world is managing our own thoughts, feelings and actions, particularly during times of trauma. Sure, after the fact feelings change, relax, shift, whatever...but acknowledging that you spent many years feeling X, and then coming on this thread and telling posters they shouldn't, denies the very natural, normal reactions to a life altering event. All of us will survive divorce, (or nasty break up), but only one day at a time. We can't fast-forward to the future.

I think we have all questioned ourselves during this process. Was it our fault? What could we have done for this not to have happened? What can we do best to protect our kids? We all have our own stories and we will all come to our own conclusions, now or in the future.

Furthermore, I find the comment "he didn't leave the children, he left me" utterly insulting. I can assure you my husband did exactly that and many of us on here have children hugely damaged by our ex's behaviour. Of course they left them. Where are they when it matters? Cocklodging with yet another family, that's where. Mine dumped a vomiting child on me yesterday and ran away, only concerned that it had happened in OW's car. He has made no attempt at contact to enquire as to his son's welfare. He is a prick. I am sure I will feel entirely differently in a few years time when I will be able to see what a shit wife I was, how dreadfully I treated him and that I dared to complain when I discovered he had had multiple affairs throughout our marriage (all my fault, of course)...

Yes, I agree, two years down the line is a very different place from where a lot of us are at the moment. We are still in the midst of divorce hell, trying to negotiate< or not in some cases > a fair outcome for ourselves and our children. Having our lives turned upside down by a selfish individual whose only concern is their own wants and needs.

We are just trying to survive this, with our sanity hopefully intact, and with as little damage as possible to our children.

Hello everyone, I'm still watching from a distance....

Hobbit, very well put. It is nearly two years for me and I still have a way to go....as we all do