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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 12:02

I disagree that divorce causes inevitable damage.

Fundamentally, you as a parent weigh up the risks and benefits that your lifestyle exposes your kids to. I have no issue with what you choose to expose yours to, but the OPs situation is something that I'd rather no expose to mine.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/06/2015 12:02

I also was able to break the pattern of my parent's marriage but it took a lot of self awareness and counselling. Out of the four of us siblings I'm the only one who managed it. My older brother is just like my dad and my mum justifies his affairs too.

blueshoes · 16/06/2015 12:03

Wonders how many mnetters' husbands are still in love with them.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 12:04

Longlist, of course you don't want that life for yourself. Who would ... but what about what your children want?

I'm in no hurry to put up with some kind of half life because my children might prefer it.

blueshoes · 16/06/2015 12:05

longlist " have no issue with what you choose to expose yours to,"

Nice snide little remark directed at me. Was it really necessary?

oneoftheoneinfour · 16/06/2015 12:05

The world would be a happier place if we accepted that around a quarter of people are not naturally monogamous. To subject those people to enforced monogamy leads to desperate unhappiness for everyone.

I am in an open marriage, instigated by my husband. Not that he had an affair but that early on he said to me that he genuinely would not be bothered by me having sex with other men if I felt so inclined. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to learn that there were other people out there like me.

It is not something that is discussed in polite society - monogamy is the cultural expectation for women. I find it quite sickening how many men expect it of their women whilst happily playing the field at every opportunity.

If everyone felt able to be more open about these things, if polyamory and open marriages could be discussed in a sensible manner, then those who are not naturally monogamous could find each other more easily and then everyone would be in a better situation. I spent my twenties desperately unhappy because I didn't know that there were options other than enforced monogamy.

A relationship without lies is a precious thing.

To the OP - you are the only person who knows if you are genuinely happy in this situation. Screw what anyone else thinks.

blueshoes · 16/06/2015 12:06

longlist: "I'm in no hurry to put up with some kind of half life because my children might prefer it."

I am glad you admit this.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 12:07

Nice snide little remark directed at me. Was it really necessary?

It wasn't snide. It is true. Providing that you (any parent) is not abusing their child, I don't really give a shit about their parenting choices. I care about my own.

Stop overthinking.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 12:08

I am glad you admit this.

I am indeed proud not to be a martyr. Just a mother doing her best for everyone (me included), which includes a hell of a lot of compromise on all parts.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 16/06/2015 12:23

Sorry if I upset anyone's view of the Queen! I was just pointing out that there have long been insinuations about the faithfulness of Prince Phillip and of course Prince Charles seemed to find no problem with having a 19 year old bride and a mistress. However I don't suggest we look to the Royal Family for good examples of relationships!

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2015 12:25

Wonders how many mnetters' husbands are still in love with them.

Wonders why it is relevant? But I'll bite. Mine. We have been married 21 yrs, been together 25 & he is in love with me.

Twinklestein · 16/06/2015 12:26

It's not a 'very French thing' at all!

I'm French and I'd divorce my husband if he had an affair. How ridiculous.

My husband's French and I'd divorce him too, but that doesn't alter the fact that affairs and unconventional setups are culturally more acceptable in France.

Hollande and Sarkozy were known to be prolific womanisers through their marriages, but that was no bar to the highest political office, which it would be here. Mitterrand's mistress and love child, who were open secret throughout his time in office and became public knowledge towards the end, would had brought down a UK PM. If Cameron turned up a love child he would have to resign.

Historically, Colette, Simone de Beauvoir and Sartre, Anais Nin, Camus, George Sand, Louise Colet, the Hugos, Alfred de Vigny for example were all known for their unconventional love lives. The freedom with which certain circles in France conducted their affairs in 19th and early 20th centuries was unknown here.

The privacy laws in France are partly founded in the belief that what people do in their private life is no-one else's business. In UK, in public office your private life will be scrutinised and will be fair game for the tabloids.

Twinklestein · 16/06/2015 12:33

To get back to the OP, only you can know whether you're genuinely ok with this setup or putting up and shutting up.

Personally I wouldn't want to have sex with someone when I don't know where he's been and if he's used contraception. Condoms do not protect against all STIs and some of the HPV viruses that cause cervical cancer have no symptoms.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 12:44

Reflecting on blueshoe's posts, and I can't get over the fact that she knew her parents' marriage was unhappy, but she wanted them to stay together anyway. I can't get my head around that.

Sure, I'd have been sad if my parents divorce, but the idea that they were stuck together unhappily for me and not themselves seems so cold, and a bit sick. I want my parents to be nothing but happy.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2015 12:59

op, I haven't seen anywhere where you say you are able to support yourself should your H decide to take one of his test drives on permanently

you are subject to his whims it would seem and that is a very risky place to be unless you can honestly say you don't depend on him financially

I would say that to any woman, but especially to someone in your position

Mengog · 16/06/2015 13:04

As 42% of all marriages end in divorce, the traditional sense of marriage is also far from perfect.

As infidelity is a prime factor in divorce. I wonder what the divorce rate is for open marriages. Someone should do a study.

Sigma33 · 16/06/2015 13:07

Sounds like my parent's relationship.. all very reasonable, marriage is more than sex etc. All a great way of rationalising the fact that neither could handle intimacy. Great for them, not so great for 4 fu**ed up kids, none of whom have managed a long term relationship (I am the youngest at 43, and the only one to have a child, and am a single parent).

Of course that could be a coincidence, or it could be because we learnt not to trust, not to be intimate, not to face our emotional needs...

blueshoes · 16/06/2015 13:09

longlist: "Reflecting on blueshoe's posts, and I can't get over the fact that she knew her parents' marriage was unhappy, but she wanted them to stay together anyway. I can't get my head around that.

Sure, I'd have been sad if my parents divorce, but the idea that they were stuck together unhappily for me and not themselves seems so cold, and a bit sick. I want my parents to be nothing but happy."

Your problem is that you are unable separate your own happiness with that of your dcs. They have their own minds. Stop kidding yourself that divorce in an unhappy marriage is for the benefit of your children. That really depends.

FWIW my parents are still together. I am so glad they have each other in their old age. It was a blip in their marriage caused by the stress of raising young children.

happybubblebrain · 16/06/2015 13:10

Sorry, but yuk. I couldn't go within a mile of a man that did this.

And, I think you are a complete mug or have no self-esttem.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 13:11

Blueshoes, you'll never convince me that staying together for the kids is a good idea.

blueshoes · 16/06/2015 13:14

longlist, I am not trying to convince you anymore than I care what you think. I am just commenting on your posts. Don't overthink this.

nottheOP · 16/06/2015 13:15

I'm surprised that you still count him as a best friend. His inability to commit just feels disrespectful, unless you have explicitly told him that it's okay.

I could understand more if you were indifferent to him but putting up with being under the same roof for the kids but the seemingly normal marriage plus a mistress is odd, IMO.

It wouldn't work for me. I don't want to share basically.

BolshierAyraStark · 16/06/2015 13:16

I think it's really sad tbh, I've been with DH a long time & also have small DC but I couldn't stand the thought of him with someone else. I think the problem is the best friends feeling, that's not a love that you should have for your husband, there should still be passion there of some kind, no matter how long you've been together.

longlistofexlovers · 16/06/2015 13:16

Don't overthink this.

I'm such a trendsetter Wink.

Andddd back to the OP.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 16/06/2015 13:20

But the OP isn't staying together for the kids. She makes it very clear that she has a strong emotional bond with her husband and has been with him a long time and perhaps, for now, doesn't want to change that. The 'kids' issue came up because everyone started saying 'but what about the kids?' having tried the 'you'll get an STD/he doesn't love you' route of persuasion.