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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 17/06/2015 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 14:17

yes!

viridus · 17/06/2015 14:27

I think everyone accepts each others differences, but the problem is lack of communication and honesty. If you are confident in your lifestyle, then I think it is good to be honest and open too. After all we have to live with our own individual choices, and there is always choice. I think she should have a long talk with her husband and review/update her plan/life from there.

She asked whether others thought the same as her, and we have seen they do, so maybe she just wanted confirmation of that.
It is difficult to speculate, without any feedback from her.

Offred · 17/06/2015 15:31

Noddy - it is nothing to do with the non-monogamy aspect it is about how they arrived here - lies, secrecy, coercion, disrespect from her h. I also meant pretend to herself.

Offred · 17/06/2015 15:36

I do so wish some of the posters would stop trying so hard to be cool with different set ups and think about that part. How they have their relationship (monogamy/open/whatever) is nothing to do with the point I have been making all along. It is how the decisions were made (all by him using secrets, lies and disrespect) and how now when she wants it kept secret from her and was initially upset it does not indicate to me that she has chosen this or is happy.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 15:42

Its a matter of opinion though Reading it back I am not sure how she knows he is having affairs if he never brings it to her door etc.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 15:46

Its not trying to be cool its acknowledging different life styles. The OP was pushed into a situation where from what I can gather her circumstances would have made leaving do able (money etc) but she wants to co parent with this person and likes their lifestyle but is not bothered about sex and he is. He definitely went the wrong way about it and I am not condoning the affair but the OP doesn't want to work on any sexual side of things as she is happy with less sex but same day to day life. this will change when the kids grow up I'm sure but seems to suit atm

shirleybasseyslovechild · 17/06/2015 15:50

good on you OP
it wouldn't work for me but so what ?

hilarious MN predicted response about how really , deep down, you must be unhappy , and your husband is actually A VERY BAD MAN

fuck that. if it works it works

redshoeblueshoe · 17/06/2015 16:04

Offred - I'm with you - its not saying the only way is monogamy - its the fact he lied, lied and lied again. Her choice is - shut up or leave. OP may be fine about it, but she knows he is still lying, and will always continue to do so.
For me its a trust issue. If I couldn't trust my DH I couldn't live with him.
OP didn't agree to an open relationship - she decided to accept he is a lying cheat - and the only way things will change is if he decides to have a full time relationship, with presumably a younger model. Noddy - she hasn't said if she does or doesn't want to do anything to improve her sex life.

Offred · 17/06/2015 16:04

Ok, but this whole thread most people have been discussing the non-monogamy issue and not discussing the actual issue - which is that this thing was not mutually agreed at the start, it was forced on her, her husband behaved really badly over it and disrespected her and now she seems to be tolerating it because of 'keeping the family together' and as long as she knows nothing about what he is doing she can cope with that. None of that seems like a healthy family dynamic to me.

Offred · 17/06/2015 16:07

Whatever relationship set up you have who wants to be with someone who treats you with such little respect and bulldozes you into something they want?

Offred · 17/06/2015 16:12

And obviously while it is up to the op, I do think her feelings about sex are relevant. It is a very common stereotype that women don't like sex and so a lot of women throughout history have accepted sexual relationships which are in satisfying for them because they are misdiagnosing lack of sexual enjoyment as 'being a normal woman'. I just think that part would be worth exploring, all humans are physically designed to find sexual activity pleasurable, I accept some don't but they are very rare. It is not likely the op is in the bracket of not particularly enjoying sex with her husband than not particularly enjoying sex.

Offred · 17/06/2015 16:13

*more likely

Offred · 17/06/2015 16:24

And you know maybe I'm more anxious because my great grandma died from cervical cancer in her early 40s as a direct result of my great granddad's numerous extra marital sex partners but I would want to know the very real risks to me from this. I would not be leaving it to him, especially when he had already demonstrated a lack of respect for me.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 17:34

She says she barely wants to have sex so maybe its not a biggie to her. I have a friend like this who would love a way out but she does the opposite and kind of goes through the motions as she also loves the life they have and loves her dh

Oldtile · 17/06/2015 17:46

I kinda agree with Offred, if people freely choose to have some form of open relationship that is up to them. But in this case OP does seem to have had only one option open to her within the relationship: shut up and put up.

ALaughAMinute · 17/06/2015 18:41

The arrangement may work in the short term but it's only a question of time before you or your partner finds someone else.

You may not feel sexual jealousy now but you will if your partner falls in love with someone else and wants to leave.

This is hardly an ideal situation is it? You can do better than this!

Get legal advice and prepare yourself for the worst.

Eekaman · 17/06/2015 21:30

Viridus - this is the internet. There is more sex on the internet than even someone as clever as you would know what to do with. So please don't infer I'm hanging around here to get a thrill as this isn't a terribly thrilling places, sexually that is. Interesting - yes, thrilling - no. :)

And this thread is in Relationships, not Sex, so you got that wrong too... I use the MN forum because I'm interested in human relationships, because you know, I'm human and have relationships. Yes, I post in the Sex topic on occasion too, I have Sex and being male I can offer a different perspective of the act to the female posters; is that so wrong?

So please, lay of the inaccurate and personal insults. Thank you.

LovelyFriend · 17/06/2015 21:42

There's s Sex topic on MN?

Momagain1 · 17/06/2015 22:22

My friend broke up a marriage like this by insisting he make good on his promises to her/their child. When she realised she wasnt his true love, just his latest, she also realised his wife had turned a blind eye for decades. This happened decades ago, he was older, so had been happening since the days when divorce was less socially acceptable, so the wife put up with it. Or maybe she just liked a nice house, not having to work for cash and a rare sex life, like you. Who knows why his wife accepted it, but in the end, my friend regretted forcing the wife to give up the life she was content with.

if there is an agreement, make sure it includes birth control and a lack of enticing promises!

viridus · 17/06/2015 22:27

Hi Eek - I thought Anyfucker's post was amusing, but I see you are offended, and we do not have all the same sense of humour.

You mention sex quite a lot and your interest in "the Sex topic". Perhaps you are a sex expert. I shall diligently look out for your expertise on the matter when you are posting.

Eekaman · 17/06/2015 23:24

Viridus,

No, Anyfuckers post was personal and insulting, I'm surprised you didn't see that when you offered her support and then tried a similar tactic when responding to me.

No, I wasn't offended. A little irked by inaccurate and sexist comments, sure, but not offended.

And no, I'm not an expert in anything, I didn't state or imply that either.

Offred · 18/06/2015 02:21

But that's really neither here nor there noddy. The op's husband did not discuss these issues or each of their feelings about things. He snuck around having secret affairs in the beginning. Now the op may feel it is an arrangement that suits her but her husband is still a liar and has still behaved selfishly and disrespectfully towards her. The whole not wanting to be aware it is happening thing doesn't strike me as her really feeling this situation suits her though, it's just hiding from reality IMO. Especially as their relationship is not sexless.

Annabannbobanna · 18/06/2015 03:01

I always think of people who 'don't mind' their partners having affairs as being very downtrodden and lacking self-esteem. The OP has confirmed my beliefs.

FastWindow · 18/06/2015 03:15

For the first time, I haven't rtft. Does the op also indulge?
I'd be very concerned about stds as a first point. And I'd be super annoyed at having to faff with condoms with my actual husband, as if I were 19 again. No.

Op seems genuine - but- there's no getting around the fact that her friend was in the majority if she was shocked. It's surprisingly easy to get used to a thing and think it's normal. Then defend it.

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