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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
viridus · 17/06/2015 05:33

Sofa one in four divorce, and less than half the population is now married with numbers decreasing. Looks like being married is going out of fashion.

catsrus · 17/06/2015 06:13

It doesn't matter if the situation was thrust upon the op or was if her choosing does it? She's in it now. This is her situation. She sees her choices as live with it or leave - she's discovered she's happy to live with it and would not want to leave. When my exH did the whole "love you but not in love with you" speech I actually offered him this as an option. Stay but be free to have other relationships. He declined, confirming my guess there was an OW.

I'm with SGB on this one, sometimes a friendly co parenting relationship is the way to go for some of us. I have zero interest in finding a new partner but there've been a good few times over the last four years that a co parent would have been fantastic. My ex's new Dw does not like the fact he has a family so he rarely sees our DC. Ironically the nearest thing I've had to a coparent has been my lovely ex MIL Smile.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/06/2015 07:10

cats that's really shit - his new woman doesn't like that he has children so he's just dropped them?? What a fucker he is. Angry for your DC.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2015 07:28

Unfortunately, cats, it doesn't sound like you being more "accomodating" would have made a blind bit of difference to the fact that your ex is an arsehole

which is usually the case

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 07:56

Didn't it become an agreement when the op decided she wanted all this relationship offered bar the sex She doesn't really want to have sex with any man and so pursuing other avenues is of no interest to her As I said it wouldn't suit me but it seems to suit her It SY have been thrust upon her but she chose to stay ad doesn't sound unhappy. It is just not a deal breaker for her in the big picture

redshoeblueshoe · 17/06/2015 08:09

I'm seriously not getting the OP being happy with this. Yes she's putting up with it. But she didn't choose it. He chose it when he got caught with his pants down. He didn't apologise, he didn't say it would never happen again, even though the OP was upset.
I get the feeling it was shut up little woman I'll do what I like

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 17/06/2015 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sofato5miles · 17/06/2015 08:17

That may be true Vidirus but i only know 2. I am 41 on the upper side of money etc. I can very much imagine the situation happening in my circle as there is so much to lose.

sofato5miles · 17/06/2015 08:18

And the reason why i asked is this is someone's real life, not a statistic.

viridus · 17/06/2015 08:34

But surely this would depend on how many people you know? I was thinking that because statistics are facts they produce an accurate picture.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 08:36

The op is getting something from it As she says sexual jealousy never occurred for her and she rates sex quite far down in I,portable fir a relationship. and she can go away no kids or partner and pursue her hobby etc. Op sounds educated and smart and financially solvent so I assume she could have pursued other avenues but didn't.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 08:39

I know lots of people who are divorced and 2 relationships where they seem to have a similar set up to OP.

viridus · 17/06/2015 08:52

I wonder what the hobby is, something very glamorous probably, and how many hours per week spent on it I wonder. Very intriguing.

Offred · 17/06/2015 09:17

No noddy. The to me an agreement is something where things are discussed and agreed. What happened with the op seems more like an ultimatum.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 09:24

I don't see it as that. It sounds like an unspoken understanding where both parties do get something.

Offred · 17/06/2015 09:32

Yeah, she gets to pretend she has a monogamous marriage still....Confused how is an agreement anything to do with both partners getting something anyway? It's where something has been agreed, this is something that is being tolerated. It isn't an agreement.

sofato5miles · 17/06/2015 09:51

Well, not a town but i know over 300 people on FB, I work in a large office and socialise alot. I'm not saying it is a true picture of the UK, I am saying that within my circle it is not common. Marriage does not seem to be outdated yet, around here. I do not know a single co-habiting couple. This is not due to religion as I am openly atheist.

Scientifically, i would like to know the spread between age groups and socio economic levels, as that would be interesting to compare. I wonder if there is a point that the value of the marriage and assets can no longer withstand the cost of a unfaithful or abusive spouse.

BTW, the two divorced women, I know have been shafted . Hence why i work. Even the bemusement of some friends.

(Just remembered that one of BF's old uni friends got divorced last year too, so that's 3).

viridus · 17/06/2015 10:03

It would be interesting to follow up. There is the other thread asking similar, on here. There possibly is some professional research done in this area. It is very interesting.

noddyholder · 17/06/2015 10:06

A monogamous relationship isn't the be all to some though She is hardly keeping it a secret if she tells her mates. Not everyone fits the mould live and let live she doesn't sound unhappy to me she just has differnt criteria for what works for her They have opposing sex drives but still love each other and work well together.

meyesmyeyes · 17/06/2015 10:20

''Don't care about Dh's discreet affairs''

The above statement is really sad. How can you be married to someone and 'not care' what they get up to? Hmm
Why bother getting married in the first place?

He definitely doesn't care about you and he's showing it.

Milllii · 17/06/2015 10:27

I don't know you or your husband obviously but in my opinion he is not in love with you as you have said. He loves you like a sister but that is not being "in love". In love involves sex and lust. You live like brother and sister mostly. What will happen when he does fall in love with one of these women and then he will not be able to stay in this set up anymore. He will want to be with her because she is committed to him sexually as well as emotionally so all his needs will be met by one woman.
I understand that you feel no or little sexual desire but do you ever feel you are missing out on that side of life? That sexual bond is a very strong thing in my opinion. It is generally what keeps couples together. Without it you are just housemates.

cunchofbunts · 17/06/2015 10:29

Each to their own. I think this kind of set up used to be a lot more common.

meyesmyeyes · 17/06/2015 10:46

I don't know you or your husband obviously but in my opinion he is not in love with you as you have said. He loves you like a sister but that is not being "in love". In love involves sex and lust.

Exactly.
The arrangement you have at the moment is more like 'brotherly/sisterly love, or the love you feel for a friend.

He is not 'in love' with you.
You don't have a 'marriage' you have an 'arrangement'.
It sounds very cold and clinical.

People that are in love with each other don't treat each other in this way.

I also, think OP,
that at the moment you are wrapped up in your children's lives, so this isn't bothering you too much now, but as they get older and it becomes more 'you and your husband' - you will find that he has become completely distanced from you.

It takes a lot to make a marriage work and people are right when they say that sex isn't 'all' of it.
But nevertheless, sex is an important part - it's very often the 'glue' that holds people together.
It creates a bond.

He's getting stuck in elsewhere Hmm

M0E67 · 17/06/2015 10:54

OP. Suggest you start reading Dan Savage & about his concept of monagamish.

LadyBlaBlah · 17/06/2015 13:18

I remember saying I didn't care if ex-h had affairs.

It was because I had lost all respect for him, didn't love him and was too chicken-shit to leave.

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