Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

Yes - seriously, what is the "social status of marriage"?

If it honestly doesnt bother you then it shouldnt matter what others say or think. I think it is something you need to discuss with your oh there needs to boundaries in place (give an inch he'll take a mile)

I cannot divulge that information, Meerka

Phew AF I thought you were going to give us a full account.

what is "the social status of marriage"?

Oh come on! You know what she means. Don't be pedantic.

Just curious. Less than half of the population are married now, and numbers going down yearly.

I said earlier, isn't MN supposed to be supportive, rather than virtually all posters telling OP how wrong she must, irrespective of her opinions and views?

SolidGold and Worldgone crazy have it right, along with a few others, so OP, there is support here for you, but you need to filter out the ones who can't comprehend the possibility that not everyone believes in outdated and unworkable marriage strictures.

And I was truly delighted to see the many times self professed monogamus Anyfucker making such a sweeping statement about something she can't possibly be aware of...

There are slightly higher marriage rates in middle/upper social classes (about 66% vs 44% and below in lower SES). There may be lots of reasons for this that are complicated, but marriage might therefore be considered a marker of social class, or simply that if you are higher socio-economic status, then it is more normal for most people you know to be married, and therefore there's more pressure/desire to maintain the status quo.

I read your first posts on t'train way home Melusina and you seem pretty OK about it, not beating yourself up about it, keep one step ahead on the finances and no STDs I am sure you will be fine. Not sure what the hobby is, but don't forget you will need to fund it. Hope the exit when it happens goes well for you and the children.

Eekaman, being supportive in a meaningful way isn't just about saying, 'you know best, hun', by a long shot. I'd say exactly what I've said on this thread to any friend I thought was sleep-walking into a minefield.

This is a discussion board. The OP requested opinions. She got them.

OP, I can understand this. You have a great friendship with your husband and aren't interested much in sex. You don't want to lose the existing relationship which you have no other complaints about. It sounds like you have been faced with the decision to either separate due to differing sex drives or stay together and accept that he will seek sex outside of the marriage. This might even be a relief for you (I lost my drive once, ironically due to depo injections) and when you truly aren't fussed you just cba right? It didn't help that my partner at the time had a pretty serious fetish, one that I was particularly adverse to. Incidentally, he tried to enforce this exact situation, only I was not OK with it. But I get that another person could be.

I figure that if you were very upset by him having sex with other women you would have either left him after his initial affair or sought help regarding your sex drive. Perhaps by not talking about it, it makes it easier to overlook?

I get what others are saying here, but if you don't want to leave eachother and you don't want to have more sex yourself, and this for him is imperative, then it sounds like it works.

It might come back to bite you in the bum as others have said but I don't suppose you made these decisions without thought and consideration of this fact. Nobody knows what the future holds and if it works now then you can cross that bridge if\when.

Ideally some communication would happen with your husband, just to clarify that he is being discreet so as to avoid gossip for example. And that this is definitely NSA for all concerned, and that safety is considered. But equally I understand that initiating conversation might make it a bigger deal than it currently feels for you.

We all have different values so whatever works for you!

"and grimy latex covered second helpings for the submissive wifewife"

Ouch!

And

Eww!

You do have a way of cutting through the wheat to get to the chaff AF

how do you know what I am and am not aware of, Eekaman

I didn't come out of the womb married, don't be so thick

Lordy how sad and how gross. My DH would be devastated if I ever betrayed him like that.

God, seriously darling, you can do so much better.

Anyfucker - Good one, lol.

Again, people are assuming that everyone wants 'intimacy' and 'emotional openness' as part of a couple-relationship along with all those other things that whiny, clingy inadequates with no imagination some people find appealing.
Some people are simply not bothered. They are happy with friends/hobbies/bringing up children/pets. So a set up like this, which is basically a co-parenting friendship, suits them just fine and there is no reason at all why they shouldn't arrange their lives to suit themselves.

I have an excellent, friendly co-parenting relationship with my DS' dad. We function just fine as a family - to the point that we go on holiday, all three of us, most years. DS' dad dates sometimes (not so much as the moment) I used to but TBH I am 50 and menopausal and currently a lot more interested in the theory of sex than the practice.

You speak for yourself, SGB

Anyhow, does this woman sound happy with her set up to you ? Really ?

Melusina if it works for you that's fine. But you need to ensure you have an exit strategy in place if you need one.

My DDad told me to always have some hidden money so I had the choice if I ever needed it. You may want to consider that option.

However I completely get your choice. Me and DH work similarly, if it's not in your face, you can ignore such issues, but you need to ensure safeguards are in place.

I can see how this might work in some ways if not prone to sexual jealousy and can do the whole turn-other-cheek, lalalala thing.

But surely it's the (seemingly) little incidental things which would really sting.

Calling him while he's away because you've had an awful day/bad news/child is sick etc but can't get through and just knowing he's not picking up as he's busy shagging someone else.

Or the times he could be spending time with his family but choosing not to and you knowing what it is he's chosen to do instead.

Poly is one thing, not my cup of tea but there's an honesty to it and a mutual decision. This though, there's no honesty, no opportunity to for any real negotiation or boundary setting.

I know there are affairs, and blind-eyes etc, it happens but ops posts read more like someone advocating for this type of set-up in theory rather than reality.

Perhaps it's a bit of time for "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander".

The whole problem I have with it SGB is this set up was thrust into the op by her h. It was not a mutual agreement. They have been together a long time and when she found out he was having an affair (lying, secrets etc) she was originally upset and now she is ok with it provided he keeps it secret from her. How does that sound remotely happy or mutually agreed?

It isn't anything to do with being against things that are not traditional monogamous marriage for me. It is me being against coercion of one spouse by the other and coping with things you don't like by burying your head in the sand so you can keep up the appearance of a traditional monogamous marriage with others but also a little bit with yourself.

But dearest Anyfucker, if you really want to make insulting personal comments, you don't normally stop at hinting or implying do you? You normally just go for it.

I'm just wondering how many divorced each of you know. I only know 2.