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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
XiCi · 16/06/2015 17:38

Agree completely with wackadoodle. You seem very happy with your situation OP so I wouldn't worry about the opinions of strangers. Alot of people find it very difficult to accept anything outside of the social norm.

I know of 2 other couples in similar situations to yours. In both cases one of the couple has a very low sex drive so the other has discreet sex elsewhere. Why would 2 people who love each other, love being together, have a great life together split up just because of sex. It's such a small part of what makes a good relationship it would make no sense to throw something away that was good in every other sense

Offred · 16/06/2015 17:40

Yeah, that's the thing. To me an 'open' relationship has been more about emotional openness than other sexual partners/relationships. I don't see an issue with any kind of unconventional relationship but I do see issues with the lies, secrecy, disrespect and cognitive dissonance involved with turning a blind eye to 'discreet' affairs... If everyone is happy with the arrangement why is it ignored and kept 'discreet'?

Offred · 16/06/2015 17:45

Why would 2 people who love each other, love being together, have a great life together split up just because of sex.

Err... Maybe because keeping a relationship together when you are not compatible isn't ideal? What is so bad about being single or leaving a relationship that doesn't suit you? Or actually approaching your relationship honestly and respectfully if you choose to stay together? Seems mental to do all the sneaking and wilful ignorance just for the sake of keeping a relationship or seeming as though you are keeping one... Life's too short and all that...

It's nothing to do with people not being ok with unconventional relationships because this isn't one. It's the age old cheating husband woman turning a blind eye because ignorance of the details means she can tolerate it... If she was really happy surely she'd take an interest in her dh's sexual partners since it actually affects her sexual health.

XiCi · 16/06/2015 17:51

I suppose it just depends on the individual whether they want to know the ins and outs of every sexual encounter or whether they would prefer not to know. Everyones different.
I imagine it's kept discreet because it's noones business outside of the relationship and also to avoid people judging your relationship, which many people would do as evidenced by alot of the replies on this thread

morethanpotatoprints · 16/06/2015 17:51

I have only read your OP, but yes I have a friend like you.
Unlike your friend who was shocked, I listened and have come to terms with her choice as much as she has.
I do think it is rare and unusual to the norm, but nothing says it's wrong.
He doesn't lie to you and you know what he's up to.
whilst its not for me I wouldn't judge you or your dh if I was your friend Thanks
Ther must be many reasons why some couples choose this lifestyle, I don't know them personally but have heard of a couple who live like this because he is unable to have sex after an injury. He sends his wife off to various lovers with his blessing.

Offred · 16/06/2015 17:53

There is keeping your intimate relationship arrangements private between the two of you and then there is keeping your extra marital affairs private from your wife though.

Offred · 16/06/2015 17:54

The op is saying as long as he keeps it from her she is ok with it after all... Just burying your head in the sand IMO...

XiCi · 16/06/2015 17:57

I dont think there is any couple that is compatible in every single way. So when you are 99% compatible why would you throw that away. It's not a situation I'd choose. I'd want more openness definitely but the OP says she's happy and I see no reason to doubt her.

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:07

Because to be happy she has to be kept ignorant. That's why I'd doubt her.

This is also much more than 1% incompatible if it is big enough for the husband to actually be having extra marital affairs.

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:10

Because I mean that from the husband's perspective too. That's what incompatibility is about. They both think it is an incompatibility big enough to take some action over but they both are ignoring the incompatibility.

viridus · 16/06/2015 18:13

Why is judging people mentioned? People have been pointing out the disadvantages of this arrangement, the dangers and whether it would suit them or not.
Also there is no "normal" people choose to behave how they want to behave. There has been people who live like this, and others who do not.

redshoeblueshoe · 16/06/2015 18:15

He lied the first time
he lied the second time
he lied the third time

what makes this an open relationship ?

Its shut-up and put-up or he will leave

Or - the green light to shag around.
How did your friend find out - I bet you didn't tell her, and when the DC's find out ?

noddyholder · 16/06/2015 18:20

I have been on threads on here where someone has been saying they no longer want sex but still love their dp/dh and everything else is good and when someone says that wouldn't suit them lots of people come out saying that a relationship isn't just sex! It depends how important it is to you. The OP says she doesn't really want sex any more but he does and she doesn't mind him getting it elsewhere

MaMaof04 · 16/06/2015 18:23

Hello Melusina!
This is your private life and you and only you can decide about it as long as you do not harm anybody.
Your kids friends relatives do not need to know about it and if they come to know it then I am sure you will find (an age appropriate way for the kids) a way way to explain them the tacit agreement with your H.
Now some anecdote as you are interested in knowing whether there are women around with the same sexual arrangements:
A friends of mine (girl) was in love with a guy. She was his first woman. So he told her: look I love you but I need to 'know' other women so I will go out with other women and you, you are also free to do the same. It was not what she wanted exactly but she said fine; she tried to make him talk about other women so as to connect better with him; he refused; she eventually met guy no 2 who was younger than her by some 10 years; she told him about guy 1 and that she loved guy 1; guy 2 accepted the situation; guy 2 also wanted to know many other women: she told him OK. Now guy 2 was also willing to share with her his love stories; that sharing cemented their relationship; she eventually left guy 1 and...the happy end: she married guy2 and they have a wonderful quite conventional family (two beautiful daughters- no affairs- they do their utmost efforts to be together despite the jobs constraints; she has a very high position in a CO; she had to relocate ; he quitted his job and followed her etc etc Excellent and solid marriage.
So why did I tell you all this? to talk about how if you are willing to listen to your H talking about his affairs, this might bring you closer and maybe avert any emotional connection he might have with another woman. Some PP warned about the risks of him meeting in the future a young eager lady and developing some emotional feelings with her (especially if she brings him to talk about you and his adventures) and this is a true danger. So the tacit agreement might not be enough; use these affairs to bring you closer to him and him closer to you or if you can't then maybe in fact you are not happy with the situation; you just put your head in the sand. But I repeat: what other say think must not weigh at all in your decisions. What is important is that none of you disconnect emotionally from the other because of these affairs. Did you read: A Silent Wife? Interesting. She accepted his affairs. He loved her. He wanted her to marry him. He wanted kids. She did not. He eventually slept and impregnate a young girl (his good friend's daughter) who was very eager to get married. And he was ready to marry her and....( I don't want to be a spoiler). But read it. It is nice. Good Luck dear!

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:33

As I have said many many times, it is not about the sex it is about the deceit and the wilful ignorance and the fact this was never based on an agreement but on lies and disrespect and no consideration of or discussion with the op originally. Now she doesn't have a problem with it as long as he keeps her in the dark about it... Not healthy IMO and not an open relationship.

Oldtile · 16/06/2015 18:33

Bah! OP started off by saying she was shocked and confronted him, but he did it again. This implies she was not happy, told him, but he did it again anyway.
Later in the thread OP reinvents this conversation as her laying down the rules and boundaries for his trysts, implying she decided she was okay with it and gives him her blessing to continue.
So which conversation was it?

Timetoask · 16/06/2015 18:50

Out of interest, how would he feel if you sought sexual satisfaction elsewhere?

AnyFucker · 16/06/2015 19:00

perhaps he is crap in bed and op would find a better swordsman elsewhere.. I don't expect he would like that very much though

I tend to find that promiscuous men are not necessarily much cop at sex....that can be one reason they have to keep "proving" themselves such a Don Juan with OW

it's just as likely this bloke's self esteem is just as bad as his wife's....shagging around knowing that it hurts her is not the MO of a man in touch with a mature ego that is for sure

I am also surprised to see strong feminist women condoning such a relationship which is all about cookies for this inadequate prick and grimy latex covered second helpings for the submissive wife

Kvetch15 · 16/06/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeijoaSundae · 16/06/2015 19:17

I bet the OP's sex drive would be back in a flash, with a man she actually desired.

Monogamous relationships don't suit everyone, and the death of a woman's sex drive in a long-term relationship, where she's picking his socks up off the floor, and dealing with the minutiae of running a house, is well documented.

The OP is so passively accepting of his need to find alternative means to get his end away, while seemingly blaming her own situation on her low sex drive.

I'd wager good money that the low sex drive, and the husband, are two sides of the same coin. Take him out of the equation completely, bring somebody new, lovely and exciting in, and $€£ says the sex drive issue miraculously vanishes...

viridus · 16/06/2015 19:20

Kvetch - what is "the social status of marriage"?

Joysmum · 16/06/2015 19:35

Bah! OP started off by saying she was shocked and confronted him, but he did it again. This implies she was not happy, told him, but he did it again anyway

Exactly!

I've no problem with anyone else doing what makes them happy, but not when one person is making themself happy and couldn't give a shit about the others feelings.

This isn't her choice it's the OP being forced to accept or divorce.

Meerka · 16/06/2015 19:39

I tend to find that promiscuous men are not necessarily much cop at sex....that can be one reason they have to keep "proving" themselves such a Don Juan with OW

I'm sorry anyfucker but this is written in a way that I just have to ask .... how exactly do you find that out?

:d

(only teasing!)

Kvetch15 · 16/06/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellathebluebell · 16/06/2015 19:42

No, I'm not and I wouldn't tolerate it either as I'd rather be single.

Each to his own...