Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

I'm in a polyamorous relationship and so can totally understand your mindset, though it wouldn't work for me - I like to know who the other people involved are.

That said I wouldn't get involved with someone who was in a 'don't ask don't tell' set up because too many men use that as an excuse to shag around (possibly women too, but I don't generally date them). Closely allied to the old favourite 'Oh yes, of course I'm poly. I've just not told my wife yet'

One of my best friends, her parents stayed together but were in relationships with other people. They had a great relationship - worked in the same business, socialised together, had good times with the children, were a delight to be around.

It gave the children a very stable upbringing, they lived in the same big house until they left home, and could reply on both parents to be there for them.

Who's to say the children would have been happier living between two flats with step-parents?

Indeed, when my friend's father died after she had left home, her mother's long time partner moved in, and she really couldn't stand him. She's lucky she never had to live with him.

However, her parents were in long term relationships with other people and weren't having sex with each other.

Personally, in the OP's situation I would not be having sex someone who's having sex with randoms. I think she needs to set boundaries. And potentially find her own love interest.

I know a couple who did this - kept their family together until he died in his 80s. Their children all had marriages of 20 + yrs. the two with the longest marriages ended them when they met someone else, they didn't want to do what their parents had done. I was good friends with one of the children and what was hugely problematic for them was knowing about both parents affairs but not knowing if the other parent knew because it was all so unacknowledged.

I used to think the parents should have divorced but tbh I'm not so sure now - having seen the impact of divorce on my friends DC, and then on my own -my exH suddenly had a rush of blood to the groin for an OW, I'm in two minds whether it is better to come to a friendly working arrangement or divorce.

How your relationship works is your own business - no two couples are alike. But Sigma's post quoted below really struck me.

"Sounds like my parent's relationship.. all very reasonable, marriage is more than sex etc. All a great way of rationalising the fact that neither could handle intimacy. Great for them, not so great for 4 fued up kids, none of whom have managed a long term relationship (I am the youngest at 43, and the only one to have a child, and am a single parent) Of course that could be a coincidence, or it could be because we learnt not to trust, not to be intimate, not to face our emotional needs..."

It strikes me as quite sad that 2 people in their 30s are prepared to compromise so much on obtaining true intimacy with another person in a sexual relationship. the kind of intimacy where you are emotionally, socially, and sexually close, supportive and open to each other. It is very young for both of you to give up on this kind of relationship.

What feels wrong here is the one-sided nature of this arrangement.
If you had both decided to be in an an open marriage, that would be one thing.
But he had an affair, you found out and then decided that you would prefer life with him and his affairs than life without him. So you have compromised to make the marriage work, he hasn't.
You have decided to accept all sorts of risks to your health and relationship because he wants to have sex with anyone he likes.
He is doing whatever he wants, you're not.
I also find the fact that he wears a condom to have sex with you incredibly disturbing, for so many reasons.
He seems to have very little respect for you, so my guess is this will end in tears and your compromise will have been pointless.

But it won't only be about sex , will it OP?

Stop to think about it realistically for a moment:

If he has a 'regular' woman on the go (or regulars), you can bet your bottom dollar he doesn't have sex and then run. There will be a lot more going on than you realize:

Cuddles and hugs after sex,
long, deep meaningful conversations,
a lot of time and effort and thought will be invested in choosing and buying her birthday presents,
Ditto Christmas presents,
Anniversary presents.
Valentines!
Long cosy chats over dinner.
Candelit meals out.
All that money that should be going on you and your children.
Trust me - there will be a lot of money spent on his affair/s.
They probably have nice cosy chats about the future.

He will be really close to her - not just physically but emotionally as well.

All the above are things that he should only be doing with his 'wife' - the woman he promised to put first.

In the words of Hannibal: ''How does that really make you feel?''

(you are playing a very dangerous game imo)
and he is taking you for a doormat/mug.

Funny, I was just thinking this today. DH has been working away a fair bit recently and really I only have his word for what he's been doing on these trips - but so long as he doesn't let me know, and doesn't allow it to mess up our lives, then I don't think I would let it become a problem. We don't have much of a sex life these days (my fault, primarily) so I would sort of understand him getting his jollies elsewhere, but ONLY IF it didn't affect our family life.

But that's all well and good in the abstract - not quite sure if I'd be so accommodating if it actually happened (but then if I knew about it, it wouldn't be discreet and without my knowledge, would it)

Twinkle and gosh, I disagree that this is "very French" / "normal in France". It might be more common in France but it's certainly not normal. There are privacy laws when it comes to people in the public eye (politicians, celebrities etc.) and there is a sense that private lives are separate from professional roles (if high profile politicians have affairs for example) but that doesn't automatically mean that all (or even most) French couples would accept this situation!
Sorry to say this when it actually has nothing to do with the OP but as others brought it up I wanted to respond. Stereotypes are at best pointless and at worst offensive.

As for the OP I agree with others who have said that it's very one-sided. I think it would only work if it was two-way and both partners were open and honest. Otherwise, there is no respect or integrity IMO. I don't think you can really love someone if you don't treat them with respect.

Each to their own.

Personally I find it odd and destructive.

I hope I never get to that point in life (especially in my 30s!) when I don't care who my husband goes round shagging..

OP As you'll have realised from the posts on here when you tell people about the mechanics of your relationship it's an open invitation for people to pass judgement and jump to conclusions.

As long as you're truly happy with the situation then it's fine.

people are different, there is no reason to expect that all marriages will follow the same pattern. I personally see marriage as being more about a societal contract in which to securely bring up children than a love affair that lasts a lifetime. Lovely though that idea is I have rarely seen it in reality.

This isn't some woman heroically sticking two fingers up at 'heteronormative monogamous' relationships, breaking the mold, and setting an example to the rest of us.

This is a woman putting her needs aside to accommodate a man's - naturally more important ones. She gets the stability of the appearance of a monogamous, heteronormative relationship (and the babysitting and housewifery duties, natch), while he gets to have his cake and eat it, too.

And they can't even say they have clear and open communication lines - bog-standard to any functioning relationship, heteronormative or not - to back it all up.

I don't see this as being about polygamy or monogamy, it's the fact that the OP has been backed into a corner and forced to accept it or to leave.

Since when is that ever healthy? Polygamy is only polygamy when it's agreed to and therefore not deemed as being affairs.

If the Op's husband is upfront with these women that he's married but his wife knows he's sleeping with other women (or prefers not to investigate), then why shouldn't women engage in sex for enjoyment's sake without strings?

If! If! If! Let's face it you know as much as I do about what he is telling the women he is having affairs with.

I agree with SGB, however I totally disagree that it is applicable to the OP's situation. The op's situation is one where they pretend to be monogamous because that is the done thing. I don't think it is divorce that is damaging, it is conflict, that is borne out by research. Conflict, whether internal or external is usually created by secrecy, lies, disrespect etc and I think there is quite a dose of that in this 'arrangement' by the sound of it. It is hardly an example of a trailblazing rejection of heteronormative expectations about relationships, quite the opposite, it is all about keeping up appearances.

I never said it was 'normal' or that 'all' or 'most' French couples would accept the situation. I just said it was more culturally acceptable, although tolerated might be a better word.

That was to AnotherEmma ^

Another thought - if the wife is not much interested in sex now, will she be less interested in sex later as she gets older? Her husband has a higher sex drive than her. So the chances are that he will find a more sexually compatible partner similar to him?

If the Op's husband is upfront with these women that he's married but his wife knows he's sleeping with other women (or prefers not to investigate), then why shouldn't women engage in sex for enjoyment's sake without strings?

Considering he doesn't know his wife knows so is lying to her, it doesn't take too mych imagination to assume he's not being entirely truthful with the women he's fucking either!

Can just hear it now....'my wife doesn't understand me, we're separated but living in the same house until the divorce comes through, of course I love you and I'm waiting for the right time to leave my wife, im single,,,'

The thing with small children is that they grow up very quickly and will become aware of what is going on. My DC had a friend whose parents had a similar type of marriage and she became an extremely messed up and confused teenager. Now as an adult she absolutely hates both parents and has no contact with either of them.

Please be aware that your DC may be damaged far more by this relationship than by a divorce. However discreet your DH is being, your DC are likely to find out at some point and will be very upset by it.

It wouldn't suit me in the relationship I am in atm as I am in this relationship for the full monogamy/faithful thing (although am not married but been together 23 years) But I see nothing wrong with it and think there are lots of people who would love that set up but could never suggest it I can see that being 'allowed' a certain level of indiscretion may make it less attractive eventually and as we are all living longer it is probably unrealistic to expect to not change and maybe find others attractive and be tempted to pursue that. I know that if anything happened to end my current relationship I would be much more open to alternatives to the conventional set up and would probably live alone

Agree with Joysmum - do most women enjoy being used by a married man? Wake up and smell the coffee, think about the choices you make now, does this behaviour warrant someone elses pain? Or your own in the future.

They say that having sex with someone creates attachment. How can the husband by having sex with other woman and not forming this attachment? The wife is supposed to be the alpha female whereas in this situation it sounds like the wife is no where near alpha status.

Imagine her husband laughing and giggling about her with one of his 'friendly' women.

If however it had been agreed upon by both parties that this is the relationship they want then I see no problem with that.

OP I think your approach makes a lot of sense. You love each other and like being together, you have a great family and bring your kids up well, you each get an amount of sex somewhere around what you want. What's not to like?

There's a huge amount of denial about the realities of different sex drives. People try so hard to find "reasons" for them, as if there's some essential law that, all else being equal, they would converge with each other. But it's just not reality. Given that most men can perfectly happily experience sex as completely separate from love, I don't see anything wrong with your pragmatic solution to this.

Thenapoleonofcrime The Op seems to know very little about her husband's sex life but if she thinks he's finding women to have sex with whenever he's travelling with work, how likely is it that he just happens to find a willing woman at the hotel bar every time? It is quite likely that he buys sex. And this could be a revelation his children have to deal with at some point.