Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

the Sordid affair thread - the 'story' goes on

549 replies

TealFanClub · 09/06/2015 17:18

Ok for those of use who were just settling down to catch up on it..

here is what happened next

I told daughter one - I coudnt keep the pretence going any longer, and my lack of appetite and sallow appearance was a giveaway.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
16
Fontella · 11/06/2015 08:30

Jack's Marrows were legendary amongst the ladies of the WI and horticultural societies the length and breadth of the county.

Just mention Jack's Marrows and heads would nod knowingly, lips would moisten ever so slightly and unprompted expressions of admiration would momentarily flash across the faces of his competitors and fellow gardeners (before they checked themselves), whilst women everywhere would let out a little sigh ... almost a catlike purr .... whenever Jack and his Marrows entered the conversation.

RexsLittleSlut · 11/06/2015 10:29

LOL @ Fontella Jack and His Marrows.

Jack had come highly recommended which was a key reason Geraldine had finally managed to persuade Rex to employ him. It was mainly his marrows but. . . gosh. . . not only his marrows. He was also reknown for his firm and perfectly round gourds and for his skill producing a lengthy cucumber. Jack wasn't all about the vegetables either. Ladies spoke in awed tones of his ability to handle ripe melons.

Jack was also a bit of a wit. His favorite joke was Dorothy Parker's "use horticulture in a sentence" - You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

Geraldine had blushed when he'd first said it to her. The second time had made her think.

DobbinsVeil · 11/06/2015 10:59

In the midst of preparing herself a croque monsieur there was a loud rap at the door. Geraldine swung the door open to reveal a smiling tradesman. "Hi I'm Russ, we spoke yesterday you have no water?" "Of course please come in" Geraldine impressed at the early hour of his attendance beckoned him in.

Putting his hands up Russ spoke sheepishly "Sorry for being abrupt yesterday I'm not great on the phone, more a hands on kinda guy." "Really no need to apologise" Geraldine waved his apology away whilst drinking in his appearance. He had wonderfully broad shoulders beclad in an artex polo top. His face was rugged with a light stubble which aged his true youth deliciously. The sun shone through the windowing highlighting his fair hair. "I'll crack straight on then" he chimed.

Geraldine busied herself in the kitchen. She went to the pantry and immediately noticed the bottle of Romanee-conti was nestled behind the local produce. Rex had bought it as a 25th wedding anniversary present she recalled how proud he was and how she'd remained perfectly composed as they were married in 1989 not 1990 as he'd purported. But what if he knew all along? Was his littleslut in on the joke? Was there no end to their wicked games? " Heaven's to Murgatroid! " She cried aloud running back into the kitchen.

She picked up the fruit basket her dearest sister in law had sent and systematically threw the contents at Rex's beloved chair. " Ha How do you like those apples! " she screeched, her eyes wide and face contorted with ire. She became aware she was being watched and turned to see Russ with a look of bemusement on his face. " It's a traditional cleaning method the Inca's used " Geraldine improvised.

"Water's back on, your gardener had accidently cut the feed to house" Russ's tone was kind. Geraldine reached into her purse and paid Russ. He gave her his business card " here, take this, it's got all me digits on it" "you're a handy guy to know" Geraldine let him out and her thoughts returned to the red wine revelation. She text Rex "Coq au vin tonight don't be late" cackling to herself at her recipe for revenge.

BringMeTea · 11/06/2015 11:22

DobbinsVeil, artex (i really really want that to be a deliberate mistake) top and a croque monsieur. Brilliant!! Lovely bunch of weirdos you are.

plumstone · 11/06/2015 12:02

Apologies for the lack of Rex- RL so inconsideringly took over - will manage better in future

Rex, rolled sleepily - not appreciating the systematic pounding of the hammers on the inside of his skull, "hmm, did I really drink that much last night" squinting at the phone he noticed a text from Geraldine - hmm coq au vin she must be in a good mood and home, what wait she wash't due back till tomorrow - shit - must call Wilbs to tell him that I won't be needing the lower drawing room this evening, and - honestly that women - how much more bloody inconvenient can she be.

Poor darling littleslut she must be gagging for my smooth hardness driving her to throws of passion that can only a testosterone loaded man of experience such as mine can navigate too. The poor baby will just have to wait.

Heading to the kitchen Geraldine slams into his Ralph Lauren and Pringle covered chest. Feeling randy, Rex grips her and lifts her chin to stare down into the soft red rimmed eyes that gaze up at him, wanting to speak a thousand words but not finding them, Rex gently strokes her cheek and pulls her close, then seeing the bottle of Romanee-conti on the work top, sighs contentedly - she clearly doesn't know anything, maybe just maybe she would be amenable for an apres, lunch quickie - after all don't want to deprive the old girl of all of lives pleasures.

paddymcgintysmum · 11/06/2015 12:03

I must be a stick in the mud, wet blanket, party pooper for having read the first two pages and feeling I've been sucked in to the nasty girls group at the end of term party.
This thread is also giving the fantasy writer the very attention that they crave.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 11/06/2015 12:56

How can it be nasty when it wasn't true? Are you saying you feel sorry for the woman whose husband fucked his mistress in wife's brother's bed but it was actually all made up? [head spin]
It would be nasty if someone was taking the piss out of a true situation, yes.

LovelyFriend · 11/06/2015 13:39

yes you are being a stick in the mud.

Feel free to go play elsewhere if this too nasty to all the imaginary people involved for you to enjoy.

LovelyFriend · 11/06/2015 13:40

we are having fun!

LovelyFriend · 11/06/2015 13:41

in a pre-Penis Beaker syle

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 11/06/2015 13:45

in a pre-Penis Beaker syle

coming out of lurkdom again to Grin
I've enjoyed the thread and laughed myself senseless.

GerundTheBehemoth · 11/06/2015 13:46

I like a man whose chest is covered with Pringles.

Fontella · 11/06/2015 13:51

Nasty girls group?

A bit of lighthearted fun that hurts no-one and thoroughly enjoyable to read.

Grin
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 11/06/2015 14:09

I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread. I have laughed and laughed. I wish I could write as well as some of you lot. Grin

plumstone · 11/06/2015 14:18

Hmm - interesting, in my experience the people who come up with plots like this are the ones who didn't make the end of term party as they were too shy to face the nasty/mean girl. Spending their time reading books they probably shouldn't have (Jilly Cooper, Jackie Collins, Virgina Andrew) they now have an outlet to unleash their imagination which is only permissibly to said nasty/mean girl telling lies and generally being unpleasant. Gotta Love Karma!!

Flyinggeese21 · 11/06/2015 16:27

This is such a healthy way of dealing with daft troll situation! Loving this story and the many plot lines, character developments, and unbridled lust. It has everything; horses, steamy stable action, dramatic twists, The Travel lodge, a Cheshire scumbag.

I can almost smell the stables and the Gauloises. And Jack's marrows are so imprinted on my minds eye it's like I've seen them in the flesh.

DrowningInSellotape · 11/06/2015 17:29

DOBBIN!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

the Sordid affair thread - the 'story' goes on
BitOfFun · 11/06/2015 17:37
Grin
LovelyFriend · 11/06/2015 18:43

Grin Grin

Fontella · 11/06/2015 19:09

Grin Grin Grin

goddessofsmallthings · 11/06/2015 20:01

Having planned her dinner menu, Geraldine picked up her Cath Kidston Especially Pretentious Useful Trug with matching secateurs and set off for the kitchen garden where she was surprised to find Jack the gardener crooning 'Only make believe' from Showboat in a fine baritone to an audience of attentive marrows and pumpkins.

Sensing her presence Jack ended his song abruptly and, doffing his cap, responded to her quizzically raised eyebrow saying "Excuse me, madam, it was that there Prince Charles what gave me the idea but he would have got better results if he'd put his words to music."

"I didn't mean to disturb you, Jack, but I'm planning to cook coq au vin for dinner tonight and have come to see what's in season by way of an accompaniment", said Geraldine.
"Cock O'Van? Is that an Irish dish, madam? If so, I'll dig up some new potatoes" Jack replied.
"It's French actually," Geraldine responded.
"In that case you'll be needing some of these", said Jack pointing towards a row of garlic whose crisp white bulbs were barely visible through the plethora of foliage from the carrots, cabbages, and fennel that surrounded it.

Geraldine felt slightly queasy as she recalled the odour of the versatile bulb combined with that of Gauloise on Jim yesterday. "Perhaps some of these instead" said Geraldine as she caressed a crop of young courgettes and ran her fingertips lightly over a couple of plump ripe tomatoes which looked ready to drop from the vine.

"Righty-ho" replied Jack, deftly picking the best of the crop and placing them in her trug.

Watching his hands move firmly but sensitively over her chosen veg, Geraldine wondered why she hadn't previously noticed that Jack had remarkably nimble fingers for an elderly man and his wiry physique and upright stance belied his years. There's not a touch of arthritis about him, thought Geraldine, and he's always been so deferential and willing to try the tips and tricks she'd gleaned from Monty Don's regular column in the Daily Mail's Weekend magazine.

"Of course what I really need are some wild mushrooms" Geraldine pondered aloud.
"I have something I'd like to show you in the potting shed, madam" said Jack. Mystified, Geraldine followed him to the wooden building that served as a combination potting and tool shed where Jack proudly took the cover off of a growbag to reveal dozens of small mushrooms standing proudly erect from the loam.

"Oh Jack", said Geraldine, "These are perfect and now I have no need to go foraging in the woods". As her eyes became accustomed to the darkness of the interior, she noticed a camp bed and sleeping bag set beside the primus stove where Jack made the numerous cups of tea that sustained him during his daily work.

"Have you been sleeping here?" asked Geraldine.

"I'd never sleep on the job, madam' Jack replied. "Fact is there's some in village that would like to ruin my chances of becoming champion marrow and pumpkin grower again so I've taken to spending these short summer nights on watch for any who might take it into their heads to trespass in your gardens.".

"That's perfectly alright, Jack", Geraldine assured him and, after noticing the upturned wooden crates that served as tables for the hurricane lamps, the collection of gardening books which was no doubt Jack's preferred bedtime reading, the brown earthenware teapot and mugs which had clearly seen many years service in a cottage kitchen, and the hessian sacking at the windows, added "I must say you've made rather a cosy nest for yourself"

In fact, it is quite charming with a rustic appeal and everything one could need for a night almost in the great outdoors within easy reach, thought Geraldine, as she became aware of the distinctly masculine odour of sun dried herbs and dank dark earth blended with the Percy Thrower's Finest Shag that Jack was fond of tamping into his mock Meerschaum pipe.

Bidding goodbye to Jack, Geraldine returned to the house. 'Perhaps I need a shed' she mused to herself 'somewhere to hide myself away and spend time communing with nature'. As she entered the kitchen, Geraldine found herself wondering what Jack would look like in a beret.

to be continued...

biffchas · 11/06/2015 20:30

The doorbell rang. Damn, thought Rex - as he turned from Geraldine, brushing the pringles from his chest, and crossed the marble tiled hall, wondering who was inconsiderate enough to disturb his plans.

The vicar's wife stood there - lips pursed and an angry flush colouring her face. 'I am here to talk to you about Petronella and Scarlett - I have had quite enough of their bullying antics! It was bad enough during term time - but to have them ruin the end of term party by riding Dobbin through the marquee - and by embroidering obscenities on the bunting - is too bad!'

Rex laughed and looked down at her. wondering how the Vicar could have bagged such a feisty filly. Her daughters were at school with his - how could he not have noticed her swelling breasts under the rather frumpy clothing before........

arowhena · 11/06/2015 20:36

I'm going to copy all this to a text file and put it on my goddamn Kindle to enjoy in years to come

Jackthegardner · 11/06/2015 20:46

Jack sat guard all night under the shade of his trusty oak. She was to believe his vigil was purely to protect his prize marrow and melon harvest.....

Jackthegardner · 11/06/2015 20:54

Laughing out loud at your post goddess- i posted my 'Jack stood vigil all night' post a couple of hours ago but due to lack of modern WI-fi stuff and all that it obvs did not post ... Seems we thinks aloike!!! Your version so much more detailed than mine ... I love it!! This thread is soooooooo therapeutic Smile