I think I might be ending my relationship 3 months before my wedding

[Alicialflorrickshair]

Crap crap crap name changed for obvious reasons

DP says that he doesn't feel he can marry me. He has developed feelings for a much younger work colleage over the last few months. We have been together 8 years and are supposed to be getting married in September. No DC.

My feelings haven't changed, I'm still as in love with him as I ever was. He says he still loves me too and still wants to be in our relationship but doesn't feel like he can marry me whilst he has feelings for someone else. I've told him that if we cancel the wedding then it is probably over for us completely as I can't see myself being able to get over that however pathetic that sounds.

Everything booked and paid for, mainly going to be letting down small local suppliers which is even worse.

I'm early 30s and also don't feel like time is on my side in relation to meeting anyone else and starting a family. I really don't a want this to be happening.

We have spent the whole weekend crying and talking about splitting up but it doesn't seem to be what either of us want. I'm convinced these feelings are in part a stress reaction from him, but he has panic attacks at the thought of the invitations being sent out so I doubt he is going to suddenly come round.

What a fucking mess.

Fantastic update

I think you need to hold yr head high and get yr house up for sale,let him ring round explaining why the wedding is cancelled..he's showing you his true colours now...do you want a repeat of this when yr pregnant? Him not sure he wants a baby?.. you've wasted 8 yrs on him.if he dosnt want to marry you now ,he never will.pack and leave.get house on market.you deserve better.much better

Oh....zombie thread...ok well glad it all turned out well in the end..that will teach me to post before I've read the whole thread....could you not of started a new thread and just linked it to this one thou?

OP thanks for the positive update, and congratulations on DD!
Having gone through the same earlier this year it's great to hear you were strong and that life has worked out so well.. thank you!!

So weird reading a thread that sounds vaguely familiar then suddenly reading my advice! Glad you took it OP

Eezer or you could have just rtft?

She did and apologised.

I would cancel it now. His feelings for the other women won't go away in a month or two

Ooh great to see an update! I hate it when threads like this tail off and you never know the conclusion!

So at what point did you decide to call off the wedding? How quickly did he get together with the OW?

Ah what a lovely update. Thanks for sharing.

But you wouldn't have updated if you hadnt needed to ask another question. Really frustrating when people just leave a thread unfinished.

Such a great update!!

Please don't marry someone who isn't 100% into you.
Regardless of how long you've been together, how great a guy he's been etc.
Marriage is hard going at the best of times. And divorce sucks, it's messy and painful. Much more so than cancelling a wedding.

You sound lovely op, you deserve better. You deserve a man who treats you like the most important woman in the world.

As pp have said, your wedding day will be ruined now anyway. He's admitted he's fallen for someone else!!!! He's only human, it happens, and he's probably scared and wishes he feels different about you. If he did then he would be excited to be marrying you.

Your so was my dh many years ago. We were friends and he fell for me. I was married to someone else, he was in a long term relationship - 7 years. I felt something for him too but did not want to break my marriage up, we had dc by then.

So he went ahead and married his gf. Reluctantly lie your dp, felt he owed it to her, they had a house etc told himself to forget about me etc. Both in their mid thirties, time running out, same friend blah blah.

My dh left his exw 4 years after they married. We reconnected and fell in love. He knew he shouldn't have married her.
A whole heap of mess could've been prevented.
We are now happily married for 6 years. You know the difference when your heart is in it. Trust me.

Phew!!! A zombie thread with an update!

Congratulations OP. Great news

If he has feelings for someone else surely you shouldn't go ahead with the wedding, it would be madness. I think you definitely would benefit from time apart.

Was confused as thought this looked familiar.... then read my own advice under an old user name and realised it was a zombie thread. Amazing update, great news!

Oops did realise this was a zombie thread. Very happy for you OP. :)

Thanks for lovely update and congrats on your new family

To answer a few more questions:

As we had to sell the house initially I had a lot of contact with him after the break up for quite a few months.

Colleague pretty much immediately left her boyfriend for my Ex and therefore they got together pretty quickly after our break up, within a month I think. Weirdly I was quite pleased for them that they did as it meant that it was absolutely right that we didn't get married. We have since lost touch but I hope he is happier now. Looking back on our relationship we both were only still in it because of obligation rather than love if we were being totally honest.

I went on a date with my now DP a mere week after the breakup. It was a friend of a friend who was only ever supposed to be a 'get back on the horse' date , and I was actually looking forward to going on a few dates with different people and enjoying being single again. When DP turned up my heart sank as he really wasn't my 'type' and I even text an agreed SOS to the friend that set us up. 20 minutes later though I was smitten and pissed on one glass of wine and as they say the rest is history. I know it sounds like some pathetic desperate jumping on the first man I came across thing but actually... sometimes life just works out perfectly and you just have to go with it.

It was good he was brave enough to tell you how he felt. Hard at first, but you've both come out of it well 😊

This is the nicest revivified zombie ever!! I read the whole first 5 pages thinking "hmmm, 8th August, they've probably cancelled or decided to go ahead so don't post your tuppence worth till you find out which" - and then saw the update and realised it was years old!

Good for you OP. I'm glad it worked out.

Soglad to have an update... how very kind of you op

Glad to hear it all worked out

so happy it worked out for you both.

What a fantastic update! I'm so pleased things have worked out for you, OP.

Another 3 years later (so 5 years on from the first post) I have once again revived the user name after posting to someone else worrying about meeting someone after 30.

I'm hoping this time the new 'see all OPs' posts will assist people getting to the happy ending quicker ?

We now have two children (I was unknowingly pregnant at the time of the last update - whoops small age gap ).

Still happy, still together.

Last I heard from ex fiancé was that he was still in a relationship with young colleague but that was a couple of years ago now so who knows cares

It's still so weird reading it all back and with hindsight knowing how much people who didn't even know us could see through what was happening when all I could see was this 'conflicted' but genuine man.

Actually he was an arse who was too cowardly to break things off so made me do it instead by playing to my 'rescuer' tendencies.

Well spotted mumsnet.