I think I might be ending my relationship 3 months before my wedding

[Alicialflorrickshair]

Crap crap crap name changed for obvious reasons

DP says that he doesn't feel he can marry me. He has developed feelings for a much younger work colleage over the last few months. We have been together 8 years and are supposed to be getting married in September. No DC.

My feelings haven't changed, I'm still as in love with him as I ever was. He says he still loves me too and still wants to be in our relationship but doesn't feel like he can marry me whilst he has feelings for someone else. I've told him that if we cancel the wedding then it is probably over for us completely as I can't see myself being able to get over that however pathetic that sounds.

Everything booked and paid for, mainly going to be letting down small local suppliers which is even worse.

I'm early 30s and also don't feel like time is on my side in relation to meeting anyone else and starting a family. I really don't a want this to be happening.

We have spent the whole weekend crying and talking about splitting up but it doesn't seem to be what either of us want. I'm convinced these feelings are in part a stress reaction from him, but he has panic attacks at the thought of the invitations being sent out so I doubt he is going to suddenly come round.

What a fucking mess.

Meant to add, you do not yet have the stresses of children added to the mix, you cannot imo underestimate the strain this can bring.

Also do not make the mistake of 'sunk costs' I think it is called, will try to find link :)

www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

I've got the gist of the thread (but not read ALL the posts)

OP- I think I understand where you're coming from. He's given you no previous indication of infidelity. He's had a bereavement, spent time with a colleague who has offered a shoulder at the right time, he's in the midst of other feelings for her, has been honest with you, and now, neither of you quite know where you stand or how to move forward.

I admit, it's not perfect but there's a part of me that respects him for telling you. He sounds positively chewed up about it. But it's obviously left you in limbo. You still love him yes? Do you think he'll come to his senses?

Cancelling the wedding is a given in my opinion. As is time apart. But I'm not convinced all is lost. It'll give you both time to re-evaluate the relationship. All the best.

I haven't read all the thread, but I have read your posts OP.

To me he sounds like a fairly decent person who is completely overwhelmed by the situation, probably exacerbated by his anxiety and depression.

Can you cancel the wedding, and then arrange to do counselling together? It would be a shame to walk away from an 8 year relationship (longer than some marriages!) on the basis that he has "feelings" for someone else - which he hasn't acted on. If in 6 months time he isn't committed to you, then might be the time for you to say it is time to part. Equally, you might feel that you want someone who can offer you more.

And you have plenty of time to find another partner and have children if you do split

Sounds like your relationship is over. 8 years isn't bad, so congratulations for the work your put in.

I'd make a clean break and leave, especially if I wanted kids, as I sure as hell wouldn't have them with him. God no, I'd end up hating this man child, and his drama lama ways.

Cancel the wedding, it's not important how others feel about it. You'll get some money back at this stage. Think of it as a restaurant cancellation.

The most important thing is............

What do you want to do with your life?

OP I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Just wanted to say, 10yrs ago my best friend was in your position (minus the ow, he just got cold feet the week before) It was an awful awful time. BUT I remember saying to her I hope you look back on this and think that it was all for the best.

And it so is. She's now happily married with 2 gorgeous kids to a lovely lovely man who totally adores her and thinks he's the luckiest man alive cause she adores him too.

That's what you deserve OP. Not this.

How big is your wedding planned to be?

Has he got cold feet because of the day and all the 'fuss' rather than because of the actual marriage?

So, so sorry you are going through this.

But I agree with (a few) others - it's better that he raised this now, rather than after the wedding. He didn't go about this perfectly, but none of us are perfect.

The colleague is just a symptom of someone who does not want to get married.

I think if it was called off, he may feel the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders, and that he still loves you and wants to be with you.

Whether you want that too would then be up to you.

I don't think your partner has really done anything wrong, if everything he says is true and there was no affair or attempt to start one. I agree with others that cancelling the wedding for now would be a good idea, but that needn't mean the end of your relationship. You both need to work out what you want without this deadline hanging over you.

Good luck. Sorry you're going through this.

Hi all

just revived this username to ask a question about a related situation but to give you all a conclusion:

We didn't get married.
We split up (amicably) but it was me who made the final decision
I met the love of my life ridiculously quickly after we split. We now have a 6 month old daughter and life is pretty wonderful.
Ex and colleague are now in a relationship, also I believe happily. I genuinely wish them the very best.

Congrats on your DD. How wonderful!

Only on page 1 but he is an arse and a twat by passing on the Ending of Relationship task to you. Sounds emotionally immature. I mean wtf trying to make himself out to be helpful by pointing out this close to your wedding he has feelings for another??

I'm glad you've found someone else... Everything happens for a reason. You'd have never met this guy.

Well that's a rtft lesson to me! So glad to hear your positive outcome!!

it is very nice of you to give update and very happy for you.
it is nice to hear updates really, because usually you try to help and you don't know what happened after.

What a fantastic outcome. Thanks so much for coming back to post! Congrats on your DD!

Great update.

I read the OP thinking "you've got loads of time, he's not the right guy" so I'm glad it all worked out so well.

Wow 😮 I read your first post not realising it was from 2015 and felt gutted for you then noticed the date and flipped back for an update and 😍😍😍 I am sooo happy for you! Congratulations!! Things really can work out. Woop woop 🙌🏽❤️❤️❤️

Oh thanks god its an update! When i realised the date half way through i thought id never know the ending!

What a good outcome. I still think he is a coward for making you ve the one to make the final decision though.

for you. This sounds extremely difficult.
When you said "we rubbed along" and it's your last chance to have a baby (which it isn't, I'm sure). Do you honestly , hand on heart, feel that you are really in love with **him?
His co- worker doesn't reciprocate his feelings. He knows it can go nowhere and yet he's in this situation and she's much younger? Sorry OP, he sounds a little pathetic.
Be kind to yourself and do things for you. Please don't prioritise him.

Oh shit, I did it again. Didn't look at the date.
Minor panic you married him but so pleased to see the update. Wishing you all the best.