I think I might be ending my relationship 3 months before my wedding

[Alicialflorrickshair]

Crap crap crap name changed for obvious reasons

DP says that he doesn't feel he can marry me. He has developed feelings for a much younger work colleage over the last few months. We have been together 8 years and are supposed to be getting married in September. No DC.

My feelings haven't changed, I'm still as in love with him as I ever was. He says he still loves me too and still wants to be in our relationship but doesn't feel like he can marry me whilst he has feelings for someone else. I've told him that if we cancel the wedding then it is probably over for us completely as I can't see myself being able to get over that however pathetic that sounds.

Everything booked and paid for, mainly going to be letting down small local suppliers which is even worse.

I'm early 30s and also don't feel like time is on my side in relation to meeting anyone else and starting a family. I really don't a want this to be happening.

We have spent the whole weekend crying and talking about splitting up but it doesn't seem to be what either of us want. I'm convinced these feelings are in part a stress reaction from him, but he has panic attacks at the thought of the invitations being sent out so I doubt he is going to suddenly come round.

What a fucking mess.

Totally agree with what laurierf has said.

Hmmm, I don't think he would declare he had feelings for someone else if that someone else was genuinely not interested in him.

At the very least an affair is brewing and he is holding out for that. I don't know how you can be so sure nothing has happened between them or that she doesn't feel the same.

He has said he doesn't want to get married. Take him at his word and don't give him any more time. The look on his face this morning is probably guilt and shame about the wedding/cancelling/letting everyone down etc. but I agree with others that he is trying to turn it around so it is your decision. What a weak man.

Ouch. The only upside I can think of is that this has happened now, rather than in 6 months time.

You can not marry a man who is capable of having feelings for someone else at a time when he should be looking forward to making a potentially life long commitment to you. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Whatever else you do, cancel the wedding. It is an artificial deadline and the worry and expense will only get worse. Sort your relationship according to whatever timeframe you feel reasonable.

You should of course LTB. You want to meet someone who does want to marry you, no questions or confusion. And you won't while you are with this one. But let yourself come to that conclusion in your own time. Take the wedding out of the equation.

I think people are being a bit harsh on your DP's behaviour OP - but, sadly, whether or not there is blame involved, the end result is probably going to be the same for you.

DP may well not have chosen to fall in love with someone else - but he did. The fact she's not interested doesn't change that. I have to say I agree with the other posters that had she been interested, you would have been dumped or cheated on. And, worse, whether it's love or a crush, they obviously talked about it (ie he tried it on with her), and that to me is way too close for comfort.

I also note that DP is not talking about putting off the wedding - he wants it cancelled, presumably. That's not a good sign.

I know a couple who cancelled the wedding as the male DP had appalling cold feet. He was also under some stress, working 120 hours a week and wanted it postponed. Four months later, he won her back. They are very, very happy together and have been for 10 years.

But crucially, he didn't look at anyone else, and he accepted it when she fled to Holland for a bit to recover. And he worked hard to regain her trust. He didn't just go green and fail to deal with things - he made the decision himself and faced the consequences. Your DP has done none of this: he has dumped you with a mess and wants you to take all the action.

Could that something be ending the relationship so he doesn't have to be seen as the breaker-upper?

Definitely you need to call it off.

There's something not right in the relationship imo for these feelings to have developed.

It is better that this happened now rather than in a few months time.

It's going to be so hard I know, but you can't marry him after this.

The feelings for this other woman are his way of getting out of the relationship, he made a choice to allow them.

I agree with Laurie you just need to accept this is over, you've got time to find someone new.

I am so sorry OP that this has happened to you.
For what it is worth, my point of view is that you should end it now. His heart isn't full of you: he has enough room in it for a third party. It would be very convenient for him if he hadn't this space available but he has. This other lady isn't interested but the next one might be.
Separate now, and perhaps review your relationship in a few months time. The relationship you have with him now is corrupt but you may make a new one after you have had the space and time to think about your stuff. You can decide what is best later.

It's all about him.

I'd honestly rather parent alone or co-parent with a gay man or platonic friend than be with and procreate with such an immature, selfish person as he is.

Expat yes, it really IS all about him! This is his life! He is entitled to make it all about him! He is being honest, doing the decent thing - it's hard and awful but he's doing it. Do you think it would be better to go ahead and marry the OP knowing that his heart really isn't in it anymore, and run the risk of wanting to leave her a year or two later, when she might be PG and he just can't pretend any more?

Things like this are never easy or nice, but at least he's facing up to how he feels and dealing with it in an adult way. He's doing what I should have done the first time round, instead of walking up the aisle knowing damned well it wasn't going to work.

I think the lack of proposal is telling, particularly as he cites it as one of the things 'wrong' with getting married.

He's obviously not known how to get out of this, and rather than just being honest, he's gone along with things, fallen for someone who's not interested, and ended up losing you both money on the wedding.

If he were that moral OP, he would have said he couldn't marry you at the start.

He is being honest, doing the decent thing

Well no, the honest and decent thing would have been not to agree to get married in the first place.

I don't think an affair is brewing, that he's had an emotional affair or that you need to do any further digging into that aspect of things.

OP you say there's no time for counselling but of course there is.

Forget the September date and think of the longer term. Worth a few months of counselling to see if you can save it? You'll both know you tried then.

Maybe postpone the wedding and have some joint counselling.

And Alicia I should add that I am so sorry you are going through this - it must be devastating for you.

the honest and decent thing would have been not to agree to get married in the first place.

Twinkle they've been together 8 years! I don't know how long they've been engaged but sometimes people do get swept up in everyone else's expectations for them, just because they can't think of a good enough reason not to, and they genuinely do think it's what they want at the time. But sometimes even when you still love and respect someone, you just start to have that sinking feeling that something has changed and you can't get it back. It's hard to explain or justify, but it is what it is. If find yourself fantasising about being with someone else before you are even married then you need to stop and think about what that really means for the future of your relationship.

Some people can and do have brief and harmless crushes their whole married lives and manage to never be unfaithful because they can separate those feelings from how they feel about their spouse, but if you aren't even married yet and you are already obsessing over someone else, then it's absolutely right that you should put the brakes on while you analyse what that means.

Unless he had a crystal ball I think it is a bit unfair to blame him for not knowing in advance how he might feel in the future.

' He is being honest, doing the decent thing - it's hard and awful but he's doing it.'

No, he's not. He had an emotional affair, got rejected and is now telling the OP about it and leaving it to her to cancel everything. He is doing FA. And if the girl had reciprocated, he'd have cheated on the OP. So decent, eh?

I've been there, OP, not the emotional affair but the divorce. Ours was because he finally came clean that he never wanted children (he was 4 years older than I am).

I won't lie, it was awful, BUT, we are both far, far happier now. I remarried DH and had our first when I was 32. He got a vasectomy and remarried a woman who never wanted children, either, and had been sterilised herself by choice before she met him.

'DP may well not have chosen to fall in love with someone else - but he did.'

Adults don't 'fall' in love with someone else. It's not stumbling into a manhole. A person makes a conscious decision to nurture feelings of attraction they had at first.

I had an affair with a married man when I was 19 and he was 43 and one of my lecturers. Not proud of it, but I was attracted to him and deliberately sought to get to know him better when he expressed interest.

The upshot is the same: there will be no wedding.

I don't have any patience with people who 'get swept up in everyone else's expectations', it's a massive weakness.

It's telling that he never actually asked her to marry him, he detailed that as one of the things 'wrong' with getting married.

There's obviously been things wrong with this from the start from his pov, you don't need a crystal ball for that, as they're current not future issues.

I know it sounds like I am sticking up for him but he isn't leaving me to cancel everything. I have been absolutely clear that if we do cancel then he is doing the dirty work and ringing everyone. He agrees.

He has come back from work a bit more hopeful. Discussed some practical aspects of fixing things for us. Sorry to drip feed but he has a history of anxiety and depression which has been extremely exacerbated recently by grief. He has good days and bad days and seems to be on a bit more of an up today.

I dont I think this was him looking for an affair and being disappointed that it wasn't reciprocated, I think he found someone that understood him and his grief and spent a lot of time with them in a very short period of time and was overwhelmed by everything.

So he's got you feeling sorry for him after he fucked up?

Man, he's good.

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine - but far more extreme (there was no OW/feelings he just decided he didn't want to marry her and it was much closer to the wedding).

The whole thing was called off.

Unsurprisingly, she was devastated, gave up her job and went travelling for a year - and met a man she is now happily married to who is much better for her than the ex-fiancé.

Anyway, I remember her telling me shortly after that this kind of thing (men getting cold feet/ "jilting" their fiancée/bride at the last minute) is much more common than you'd think -it's just that people don't talk about it. And when it happens to you all these women come out of the woodwork and confess the same thing happened to them.

You are not alone. In my friend's case, it worked out for the best. I think you'd be better off letting him go. If he's for you, he'll come back.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your married life thinking he didn't really want you?

As someone who has just broken up with her DP of 8 years, although no-one else is involved as far as I'm aware, I can feel your pain OP.

I'd look at this a different way. Could you marry him, knowing that he is in love with someone else? Because if the answer is no, your wedding is either being cancelled or postponed anyway. He won't lose that feeling in 3 months, and it'll ruin your day. Even if he told you he was totally committed to you now, you'll have doubts for a long time. He let himself fall in love with somebody else.

He might feel terrible for it. He might hate every feeling he has for her. But it's the same as people who cheat, and then feel guilty, and admit it to their partner so that they don't feel guilty anymore. It's cowardice. He should have dealt with this, with or without you knowing. He should be making decisions and fixing things, not moping round feeling sad and being pathetic.

I know it's hard. It must really hurt. You have to think about the future, though. I can only imagine the pain that would come from being married to someone and them either being in love with someone else or constantly wondering if they were...it'd kill.

I didn't say he didn't ask me to marry him I said there wasn't a proposal. We were at a friends party about 18 months ago and feeling extremely in love. We were talking about getting married and he said 'Why don't we then' and I agreed. He feels bad because he didn't do a 'proper' proposal with a ring ready etc.

I dont I think this was him looking for an affair and being disappointed that it wasn't reciprocated, I think he found someone that understood him and his grief and spent a lot of time with them in a very short period of time and was overwhelmed by everything.

Ok he developed feelings by mistake, because his gf didn't understand him. Seriously?

You're going to be in trouble every time he spends a lot time with a woman at work aren't you?

This is not a man to have kids with OP, he doesn't know if he's coming or going. He's got you involved, some poor woman at work who doesn't even fancy him, all the people involved in your wedding, your families etc...

I didn't say he didn't ask me to marry him I said there wasn't a proposal

That's exactly what I understood you to mean, I'm sorry if my post wasn't clear.

I think you are being far too black and white in your expectations of how people really behave when they are in an emotional crisis expat. Most us, when breaking up an 8 year relationship, a shared home, a shared life, could not just march in and lay all our cards on the table in one conversation and then leave with a packed bag and not a backward glance - at least not unless we were categorically leaving to be with someone else.

The reality is that some break ups happen horribly slowly as we go through all sorts of doubts and confusion and emotional to-ing and fro-ing that we need to work through. It would be nice if we could all do that without inconveniencing or upsetting our other halves, and then either announce that we are leaving out of the blue (not so nice for them, actually, and probably quite overrated i think) or opt to stay where we are without them ever needing to know that we had doubts, but real life is not always that simple. Especially if, as the OP did, they sense you are unhappy and conflicted and they challenge you on it.

The person doing the leaving can't win in this situation, whether they walk away without warning, or drag their heels over it.

how about he moves out for a month - no contact - and sees how he feels after a month? And you can also see how you feel as at the moment you seem to be prioritising his feelings.

If this woman had reciprocated his feelings what would he have done?

Regardless of whether you stay together or not i really don't think you should go ahead with the wedding