I think I might be ending my relationship 3 months before my wedding

[Alicialflorrickshair]

Crap crap crap name changed for obvious reasons

DP says that he doesn't feel he can marry me. He has developed feelings for a much younger work colleage over the last few months. We have been together 8 years and are supposed to be getting married in September. No DC.

My feelings haven't changed, I'm still as in love with him as I ever was. He says he still loves me too and still wants to be in our relationship but doesn't feel like he can marry me whilst he has feelings for someone else. I've told him that if we cancel the wedding then it is probably over for us completely as I can't see myself being able to get over that however pathetic that sounds.

Everything booked and paid for, mainly going to be letting down small local suppliers which is even worse.

I'm early 30s and also don't feel like time is on my side in relation to meeting anyone else and starting a family. I really don't a want this to be happening.

We have spent the whole weekend crying and talking about splitting up but it doesn't seem to be what either of us want. I'm convinced these feelings are in part a stress reaction from him, but he has panic attacks at the thought of the invitations being sent out so I doubt he is going to suddenly come round.

What a fucking mess.

I think expatinscotland is spot on actually.

Wishing you luck, OP but I still thing serious jitters at this stage mean you'd be better off cancelling it all, horrible as it would be temporarily.

Who knows, you might re-organize it all down the line but at least then you'd go in with more certainty.

FWIW, I don't think he's a bastard or weak or anything else nasty. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in - not feeling fully in the realationship but having enough feelings for the person to not want to hurt them or lose them. However, you both deserve more than something you are not sure of at this point and the doors to marriage and children will not be closed to either of you by calling this off.

Oh, and I also agree that him picking up on there being no official proposal as being something wrong with the relationship as quite telling.

I have nothing against low-key decisions to get married. There doesn't have to be a fanfare or a ring or anything else if that's not the way of the couple in question but, to me, it sounds like it's not how he envisioned starting into marriage and that does count for something. He hasn't gone into this wholeheartedly from the start but rather stumbled into it in a loved up moment at a party.

Postpone the wedding. Take some time apart to sort your feelings out. It might all still come good, or it might just not be right. You've been together since early 20s and people change a huge amount in that time. Don't rush, and certainly don't try and press ahead with the wedding now.

FWIW I have several friends who were university relationships, that split up for 6-12 months at some point over the following years but ended up very happily married. I think you both need to take a step back and make sure it's not just convention trundling you into marriage together as the next logical step.

'I think you are being far too black and white in your expectations of how people really behave when they are in an emotional crisis expat. Most us, when breaking up an 8 year relationship, a shared home, a shared life, could not just march in and lay all our cards on the table in one conversation and then leave with a packed bag and not a backward glance - at least not unless we were categorically leaving to be with someone else. '

I didn't have a breakup. I had a divorce. Guess I know nothing about an 'emotional crisis' (I won't even get into the level of 'emotional crisis' I have had since). Just a divorce and quite a few friends who went through similar or worse, stuck it out in situations like this only to find the relationship was over . . . when the female was in her 40s and the baby ship had sailed.

Black and white is this guy telling her to cancel the wedding. He doesn't want to marry her.

And you know what? In your 'early thirties', you don't have forever to spend waiting for him to figure out what he wants when you already know what you want is marriage and kids.

Sure, lots of people tell you have loads of time but truthfully, it's not a lot of time if you are female.

I hope the scales fall from this OP's eyes very soon, because this ain't an episode of Grey's Anatomy with a bit of angst to be worked out.

This person, also the same age, had an emotional affair, wants to cancel the wedding but not do it himself, and then navel gaze whilst the OP hangs around.

Discussed some practical aspects of fixing things for us

What sorts of things were suggested? By whom?

I still think you have to cancel the wedding now, no matter where these discussions take you. He's been feeling this way for a long time - 3 months is not long enough to know for sure that this is right for both of you, for the rest of your lives. If anything, if you both really want to try, I think you would need to take a non-acrimonious split for these 3 months, with as little contact as possible. Then come back together at the time you would have been getting married and see how you both feel about your future then. But I think he needs to get through this without you as on-hand support and counsellor. He needs to get through this on his own because if he can't, then your married life would be incredibly difficult for you, even before DC came into the picture.

Well I'm not expecting him or her to drag it out for months or years, but I do think it's a bit unrealistic to expect him to just walk out without any proper discussion and no regrets or doubts whatsoever, Life just isn't like that most of the time.

I think you need a stronger man. I think he wants out but is too cowardly to say. Don't worry about your biological clock. You've got plenty of time. Call it off.

Alicia, I'd say take the pressure right off and cancel the wedding. I'm so glad you say that he'd be the one sorting it all out if that's the route you'd take as I was going to suggest that. Then once it's cancelled you can see how you feel. If you want to try and reconnect as a couple that would be the ideal time to do it.

Expat has it spot on.

Yes I agree you should put the wedding plans on hold. If you want to spend time seeing if the relationship can be saved then by all means do so, but he might just be going through the motions so he can look you in the eye and say he tried. Either way, don't let the wedding plans forge ahead any further until you are sure he's got whatever it is out of his system.

Incidentally, I do know a woman who got cold feet and cancelled her wedding a couple of months before, and they went on to get back together about a year later and are still married, almost 30 years now.

I feel for you OP.

One thing. Do not stick around or make decisions based on thinking that this - and him - is your last chance to have a baby. Don't do that.

FWIW I agree with Expat on this. Yes, you probably have time. You might have ten years of even fifteen where getting pregnant wouldn't be a problem for you. Or, you might not. Or, you might meet Mr. Amazing within six months of this, and have three kids within the next five years and be blissful. Or, you might not. Early thirties is fine but no, it isn't acres and acres of time when you're female and want a family.

So yes children are something you should be thinking about as part of this. But you CANNOT make decisions based on it. What you have to do is remember - at the end of the day, if you are still single at the point you feel it's now or never for kids, you can ALWAYS have them alone. It might not be ideal. But it is far FAR better than having them within a shitty relationship.

You always have that in reserve, so do NOT think that you need to tough anything out otherwise you might be giving up your chance of children. It isn't the case.

This must be awful for you OP. I honestly think the relationship is over. Listen to what he's telling you, if he's fallen enough in love with someone else since February (5 months ago!) that he wants to not marry the person he has been with for 8 years, get out now. Find someone who actually loves you.

When he was bereaved, he sought what sounds like the majority of his comfort elsewhere (yes you were away with work - were you totally uncontactable?), developed it into feelings without encouragement by the sounds of it, tried to start an affair/relationship (how else did he know she was categorically not interested if he hasn't asked her?) then when he was rejected, wants to remain without ties but in your comfortable relationship - but leave himself open to leave, with YOU having made the decision to cancel the wedding, so he isn't the bad guy.

The decent thing would have been to try and overcome his grief with his fiancé, and disengage immediately if he realised he'd developed feelings for her without finding out if she had too (as if he was serious about your relationship, he'd not have asked. He wouldn't have cared). She managed to be in his exact same situation without falling in love with him.

He doesn't not want to get married, he doesn't want to marry you. Thats his choice, but it is one he's made.

Haven't read the thread, but just to say something similar happened to me. Everything booked 1k dress etc. my dad had to write 170 letters of cancellation to people. That summer was a fog. But.

BEST THING EVER.

Met my now DH, got married at 34. Had a private ceremony abroad. Still together and madly in love 10 years later. It will be ok darling xx

Im wondering if he has cold feet about a wedding.... what would be be like if you were pregnant .., does he want kids? Have you talked about it? You could marry him and still be childless even if he wants them

All this is still about him, his depression, his anxiety, his crush, etc
What about you, OP? Can you marry a man who wanted to cheat on you? Who fell in love with a woman just because you were away? Can you really be sure that, in September, he will marry you bc he loves you and not because he couldn't do better (in his mind) ?

Don't sit around waiting to see how he feels. What do YOU want to do? Who do YOU want to spend the rest of your life? Can YOU forgive him? He might be upset/depressed but your feelings are just as important.

I feel for you OP. I was in a similar position many years ago, apart from in my case he did have the affair and chose her. We had to cancel the wedding ten weeks before. I was 34, and I too worried I had lost my chance of a family, and initially tried to hang onto him (not knowing the extent of his relationship with the OW at that point). As it happens I didn't have children, but I did meet someone later who adores me and relished planning a wedding with me (my ex dragged his heals like your BF). I would rather be where I am with no children in a good relationship than in a mediocre relationship or divorced but with children. For what it's worth we had a similar start to the engagement (fell into it rather than a planning proposal), I ignored a couple of cold feet type blips, and he cried like a baby over splitting up. A lot of the tears were shame and feeling bad at hurting me, they didn't mean he wanted to stay.

This man is trying (a bit cowardly) to tell you that he doesn't want to marry you. You're not listening (distracted by the already planned wedding and your body clock) and are making excuses.. He hasn't the courage to walk away or properly so he's back planning again (for now).

I think that if you continue with this wedding you have a very good chance of being divorced in the near future. Personally I would leave, but that's not easy. At the very least I would cancel the wedding and give the relationship a good looking at/counselling. Perhaps it could be salvaged but at the moment it's not wedding material.

Salvaging things now & going ahead with the wedding might seem the optimum outcome for you OP, but it will store up a lot of trouble in the long run.

He's already set a precedent for dealing with stress by turning not to you but to an external person. So what happens when you have kids? He doesn't know if he wants to marry you and 3 months isn't long enough to make up his mind, and even if it were, he's can't make a free, unpressured decision as he's got the wedding date bearing down on him.

I agree with pp that he is making this all about him - his feelings, his grief, his anxieties, he seems rather self-absorbed; where are you in all this, he seems rather to have lost sight of you.

never make someone your priority for whom you are an option

I think that sage advice is very fitting here

He sounds like he is either too immature to be getting married, or has realised that he just doesn't want to be married to you.

Being in a long term relationship or getting married is not a vaccine against getting your head turned by someone else. What makes a commitment is how you deal with it. You put that person out of your mind by being disciplined in what you allow yourself to think about. You avoid contact with the other person as much as possible. You make sure you spend good quality time with your partner and reconnect with them.

If you don't do this then you are being selfish and don't deserve a committed relationship. You have a choice about commitment - if he is not willing to make that commitment to you then you have the answer about the future of your relationship.

I'm not going to comment on how he's behaving op, but I just want to say that 3 months is not enough time to sort all of this out even if things were to go ahead. You should cancel for your own sanity or it will eat you up.

I left my ex at 33, convinced it wasn't to late for me to meet the right man, and it wasn't. We met when I was 34, got married at 37 and had ds at 38. My dh is 5 years younger than me and when we met I bluntly told him that if he wasn't interested in settling down and having children, then I wasn't interested. He was!

I remember being 3 months away from our wedding, and we were always saying how excited we were - not for the wedding itself, but to be married. If that's not the way you're both feeling at this stage, then I'd be worried. Being married is great - if you're married to the right person. It's utter torture with the wrong one.

Maybe you can work this out, I don't know. But you need to think about what you deserve here, not worry about his emotional turmoil. Do that now, and you'll be doing it for the rest of your life. You surely deserve better than that?

I did something a bit similar, although hopefully not as bad... Been with dh for 8 years (what is it about 8 years?!) and got a 'crush' on someone else. Don't fancy this other person in the slightest, but talking to them was an 'escape' from the sometimes relentless drudgery of working full time and having two young children.

It wasn't him I wanted it was the feeling of being young again, the silly 'does he like me too or not?' Daydreaming and analysing every word he said. God I was so pathetic over it. Difference is I think, that I knew I was being pathetic and just looking for escapism.

I did eventually tel my dh (never told the other man, and if he'd ever made a move on me I'd have run a mile!) and we talked about it. Some of the reason for discussing it with dh was 'mentionitis', I just wanted to talk about it (like you would for hours with your best friend when you were a teenager). But also it took away its power, seeing how cringeworthy it was. Dh and I made an effort to spend more time together without the dc and it all blew over. Lasted a couple of weeks I think.

So I'm saying this can happen even in solid relationships, I love dh to pieces and would never want to leave him...but I don't think this is what is happening here, it sounds as though he has checked out to a certain extent but is too cowardly to actually break it off completely. Wants his cake and to eat it maybe?

Five words.

Thin end of the wedge.

Put the wedding on hold.

There is no point trying to rush through a fix because there is a deadline.

Work on the relationship and see where it goes. Maybe one of you moves out for 3/6 months and rents elsewhere.

If it comes back then you can get married at a later date.

If you marry now and then split in 6 months people have wasted time & money etc on a relationship which you know to be rocky right now.

Don't just sit around and let him weep for another woman on your shoulder! You deserve better.

I would take the day off work & cancel everything
You cancel, not him
Take the decision

Why waste any more time or energy on someone who does not want to marry you !

Better to cancel now, than closer to the wedding

I would not waste any time or energy thinking about the other woman - this is about you & your current partner

I would tell your current partner that he had the chance, but he has blown it with you & you will start a new positive life without him - pronto

This is not the way to start a marriage, kids, life together !

You deserve better