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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

423 replies

Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:09

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 09:16

nope Since hes totally ignoring me anyway, looks like ill have to grin and bear it. If he took me to GP, he wouldnt be coming back here before/after.

OP posts:
Mell2 · 14/11/2006 09:19

Do you know Kelly? She said she's only down the road.

Really hope there is someone in RL that can support you. xxx

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 09:20

yep, know Kelly. Illsee how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 09:20

yep, know Kelly. Illsee how it goes.

OP posts:
misdee · 14/11/2006 09:22

can you get a cab to the GP's?
how far is it? how bad is the pain? can you walk? what sort of pain is it? i find period type cramping eases with a gentel stroll.

NappiesGalore · 14/11/2006 09:26

um - xenia - with all due respect, youre off you head. just because you behave like a doormat, doesnt mean anyone else should. no more than a mother does to therir child??? i should call the NSPCC on you!! un-smegging-believable!

anyhoo...

Quootie

how do you feel this morning? a wee bit sore-headed? even more emotionally tired than last night? kind of wishing the whole thing would just go away? you would be forgiven - and completely understood - for brushing it under the carpet and pretending its not really happened, or that bad...

agh! have to go. will finish later

in short: dont let it go. your safety and happiness are extremely important, no matter what you may feel today. (((hugs))))

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 09:30

I could get a cab I guess, DH left me money... Its reeeeeeeeally bad period pains.

Im trying not to let it go But im sure he'd happily stay at him mums forver... lol. Im mega tired so I think ill nap when DS does today

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 09:30

can hardly walk, GP isnt too far... 2 or 3 miles?

OP posts:
misdee · 14/11/2006 09:31

can you try a hot water bottle, some paracetamol and nerofen. just taking it easy, and a nice gentle walk.

Mell2 · 14/11/2006 09:32

Good idea to have a nap when ds does. Have a lie down with a hot water bottle You must be physically and mentally exhausted. xx

sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 09:45

QP
just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I only just caught up with this thread today.

Does it HAVE to be DH who takes you to the GP? Is there absolutely no other way you can get there?
To be honest, if you are wanting to have some time apart then you really need to enforce that...and not see him at all for a few days.

I know it's hard and you want to phone him (believe me I have been in similar) but the more you phone him the more he is going to think that it is all OK. Regardless of the pressure he is (or isn't) putting on himself over this - if you phone him everytime you think you need him for something, he is not going to really think through the consequences of what he has done - because there aren't really any. IMHO you really need to have no contact at all, and let him stew for a few days so that he knows you are completely serious.

Hope that makes sense I feel as though I'm waffling. I hope I don't sound too harsh either!

How about walking or getting the bus to the GP, and everytime you have an urge to call him go and find something else to do instead.

sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 09:47

oooops X-posted with everyone else!
what sort of pain are you having?

I wish I could help you but I'm on the other side of the world.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 14/11/2006 10:12

Xenia isn't off her head NappiesGalorie. That was sound advice actually. What Quootie's DH did yesterday was deeply out of order.. he knows this himself.. he called the police. Quootie should not allow a repeat of it ; it is completely unacceptable behaviour.

However.. none of us are perfect, as Nappies said, in a long marriage there will be mad moments when one person does something out of order and out of character and there are extenuating circumstances; Quootie's husband is bereaved.

I don't know Quootie or her marriage, but IF the marriage is generally good, they are generally happy, he is a decent father and he loves his family, then reacting in a way that will blow all their lives sideways is not necessarily the best reaction for Quootie or for any of them. Only she knows if her marriage is a worthwhile one. And only she will experience how he behaves next (over the next few days) and will have to decide what to do as a result of that. Perhaps he needs help; counselling, (bereavement or otherwise) and/or anger managment. Perhaps it will take this to ensure it never happens again. I don't know.

People are not perfect and nor are marriages, that's a myth. But having entered into a marriage, people owe it to themselves and each other to try to make it work. I am DEFINITELY NOT saying Quootie should accept/ignore the fact that she was picked up by her neck yesterday and ignore it/move on.. it should be addressed and dealt with but what Xenia suggested does not equate to 'doormat' behaviour in my opinion. And one episode of violence, completely out of order though it is, does not equate to a dangerous serial wife-beater. This is not black and white.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 14/11/2006 10:14

(Yes, she's in Fuck-It Sorry Sarah, couldn't resist when I remembered you from.. ahem.. another thread )

BudaBeast · 14/11/2006 10:18

Good post ShinyHappy.

And good advice too from Sarahinpuket.

Hope you are feeling OK now Q. Agree that if you need to go to Doc, you should go alone if poss. Try not to contact your DH. You both need space and unfortunately that means no contact for a while.

And.......

when all this is sorted one way or another - get some driving lessons!!!! Would do you good.

joelallie · 14/11/2006 10:19

I think that I agree with you Shiny. ALthough if DH laid hands on me in that way I'd be struggling to see it like that. Depression and bereavement do terrible things to people - my DH basically absented himself emotionally and to a lesser extent physically from my life for the last 5 months of my first pregnancy and for much of the first year of DS#1's life. His father died and he couldn't cope with it. He did some terrible things (not to me). There is no excuse for what QP's DH did but I think a knee-jerk reaction of 'get the f*ck out of his life, the wife-beating bastard' is probably unreasonable and unhelpful.

joelallie · 14/11/2006 10:20

Yep. Driving lessons would be very useful.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 10:57

Hiya - Been for a nap. Driving lessons , I can drive, just havent got licence yet, but do have theory & car... just one of those things I never get around to! Pain has eased, so ill put it down to bad period for now. As for DH, well.... he just rung. From his mums. He didnt go to work today, he switched his phone on silent and he said "shall we call it a day?".

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NappiesGalore · 14/11/2006 11:02

im not getting into an argument about what xenia said.

quootie - do please listen to your own heart and own instincts. you alone can know what future there is for you and your marriage, but regardless of that i just want you to know that you deserve to be treated with respect, love and understanding. especially in your own home. so please dont get drawn into chasing him - he has to see that he has risked losing you over this. he has to know - really deep down feel - that he cannot do something like that and then forget all about it.

i dont care what hes like normally. i dont care if hes father sodding christmas, if he doesnt start showing a LOT more remorse, id be seriously worried about what may happen next time. this has happened, everything has changed. its awful and sad but it cant unhappen. it needs to be adressed!

i sincerely hope he gets all the counselling and this is a one off, i really do. trust your instincts, always always always.

FWIW, i for one think you are worth so much more than he has made you feel here.

lulumama · 14/11/2006 11:05

do you really thing he wants to call it a day....i think it is too early for that...IMHO...need to do a lot more talking and he needs some bereavement counselling....do you think he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear?

NappiesGalore · 14/11/2006 11:06

x posted, sorry

quootie - i dont know you, not really. and i dont know him, so feel free to ignore my advice completely. im probably being totally insensitive.

but i think you can do much better than him anyway. from what i remember from other threads about your MIL etc, he and his family dont have enough respect, regard and love for you anyway and that is their mistake and their loss IMO.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 11:06

well, it looks like were splitting anyway. I dont even know where to begin. He pays the mortgage - everything.

OP posts:
lulumama · 14/11/2006 11:07

quootie... .......is there no way to reconcile....? how long you been together / married?

NappiesGalore · 14/11/2006 11:09

lulu much more sensible than i, as usual

but this isnt totally out of the blue, is it? (honest question). was everything hunky dory up till yesterday?

lulumama · 14/11/2006 11:10

morning nappies....!

i think it might be the final straw , but he has never been physical...... quootie..do you want to reconcile? if not, then it is all academic...