The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

[Quootiepie]

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

been together 2 1/2 years, married 1 on Nov. 30th. We get on soooo well 99% of the time, we are like best friends. The only bad thing about our relationship was all the old stuff from 2 years ago... which caused him to strangle me in the first place... we dont have "new" arguements. He must be loving at his mums, he rung at 10.30, so obviously had just gotten up.

Nappies wasn't wanting to argue..! I was just giving another less knee-jerk view point. If all is not well in other areas then this gives a different perspective but that really is down to Quootie. Which is what I said in the other post.

dont worry about the mortgage today! youve enough to think about.

theres lots of help/advice out there, and on here.

im not being particularly helpful today, but i want to say im here, i care and you will be ok.

[hugs hugs hugs]

be kind to yourself.

I want to reconcile.... but to be honest, its always me. I want him to reconcile, otherwise I think theres no point.

sorry. very jerky knee today.
glad i deleted my first answer

"all the old stuff from 2 years ago..."

quootie..i think dealin with that is the key to him being happy and you and he having a good relationship...

if we carry stuff around, bury it, never deal with it..it jumps up and bites us on the bum when we least expect it.

it needs to be dealt with by him. now.

and then you can look at your time together...every relationship has flash points, we all know what we can say or do to make our DH,s really pissed...( not that this is what you did by any means.....) but my point is.....things go round in circles until they are dealt with and finished. and it is whether you can live with it going in circles or not...

IFYWSIM

Quootie, counselling for both of you would be a really good idea, because how you feel now, after what happened yesterday, is not enough to rely on, you are in shock and feeling sad and confused. Counselling will help you work out how you really feel, and will feel.. help him deal with and work through the issues that caused this to happen and the stuff he is hanging onto from the past.. and will also help you both see if there is a relationship left worth working on/for.

If you go to your GP you can be referred for a free course.

again, apologise for bluntness (i really must stop typing today! but i cant coz its not just anybody, its quootie and i feel like i know her and i feel like shes a freind and i want her to be happy goddamit)
but if you want him to reconcile, him to chase, not you, youve got to stop calling him!!! step away from the telephone, woman!

yeah, I know we do... its the only bad thing in our relationship. But then I look back and think "why on earth am I still with this man?" And the fact hes done a repeat.... just turning his phone on silent so I have to text his friends at work, then find out he hasnt gone to work... its like 2 years ago again. He can just turn his back so easily, and get on with his own thing. Hes probably tucking into a hearty breakfast now, relaxing infront of the TV, maybe popping out to his friends... every time I think maybe we have something worth saving, I think again and im not entirely sure anymore.

Nappies stop apologising, woman! Step away from the s o r r y keys!

ahem, yes, serious voice now; i concur; counselling a very good idea for you both. agree with lulu on carrying baggage

sorry

wont happen again.

Quootie, why is it so urgent that you text/speak to him this morning? In understand the urge... but he is in line for some silent treatment really..

If there is no medical emergency occuring and you can do without him for now, please do. This would give you both some space for now, to help you work out how you both really feel.

quootie..all those things he is doing..

it is displacement activity..so he doesn't have to step outside of his comfort zone and confront this frightening issue that could destroy his family....be angry yes.....but see it for what it is....an avoidance tactic....IMO

quootie - stop brooding on what hes up to. it shouldnt matter what hes up to. the only way hes going to wake up and see just how much he wants you too, is if YOU ignore HIM. YOU get on with YOUR life and dont text his freinds, or his mum or his work...he knows he has you on your knees if you do that! which i doubt makes him feel particularly proud of himself anyway (bloody hope not anyway!)

was abit of a medical emerceny this morning - I was in agony agony agony, but its gone now, and if it comes back ill just get a taxi. Might send him one last text reitterating (sp?) what he has to do... then leave it. I know he wont contact me

emergency

My advice is to stop brooding and go out. Get some fresh air. Do something physical. Get outside the 4 walls. Invite a friend over for a cuppa. Get cooking. Invite a friend over for supper. Get busy and stay busy. And don't drink tonight - it will make you depressed and maudlin. And, quite honestly, you'll feel better in the morning for it.

QP do NOT contact him. All the time you keep running to text him he is going to think you can't do anything without him...

Leave him to stew. I'm sure he can work out for himself what he needs to do. To be perfectly honest if he is calling/texting you already saying "shall we call it a day" it seems as if he's not willing to admit any responsibility. I know that sounds harsh...but do you want to stay with someone who gives up on it all so easily without even TRYING?

Quootiepie

I read this thread last night, but didn't post as I didn't really know what to say. However, I've been thinking about you. I am a regular, but have changed my name (used this name once before on a similar thread) as I don't really want anyone to know who I am.

I don't have any good advice, except perhaps in a 'don't do what I do' sort of a way...

I am in what I normally think of as a happy marriage to a guy with a nasty temper. In our 15-year relationship he has hit me probably about 4 or 5 times. Always when I've got hysterical about something. The last time was 5 years ago. I won't give you the boring details, but my dd was small at the time and witnessed it. She doesn't rememeber it now, but for a while she did talk about 'when daddy knocked you over', so I know it affected her at the time. That time, because dh tried to drive off and I tried to stop him, other people in the street witnessed what happened and someone called the police. I assured them that it was nothing, and it never went any further. But dh did get a letter from the police informing him that an incident involving a child had been reported, and (if I remember correctly) that social services had been informed. Nothing else happened (i.e. social services didn't get in touch) but he was scared shitless. He hasn't touched me since, and, in fact, has reined in his temper a lot. He knows (I told him this before we ever had kids) that if he ever lays a finger on our kids in anger I will be gone faster than you can say 'fetch me a divorce lawyer'!

People will probably say that I am a doormat and a fool, and maybe I am. But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, and so far so good.

I am NOT saying, Quootiepie, that this is what you should do. Possibly you should do just the opposite. When I write down what my dh has done I feel really angry with him and with myself. But living it feels different I suppose. I agree with everyone who has suggested counselling etc. Only you know your dh and your marriage and whether you think you can work it out.

Good luck. I will be thinking about you.

Im not good at splitting up I hate the fact he doesnt seem to care... I dont see how he could have ever loved me... I thought hed be here first thing if he didnt go to work, grovelling... but hes happy as larry at his mums.

Totally agree with sarahinphuket's last point btw. He has to want to try to make this work - and to try bloody hard.

he doesnt want. its too much hassle. Why would he, if he can stay at his mums hassle free? Hes having a wonderful time...

QP so this is where you have to be very strong. DOn't call him, text him or take his calls. Yes he probably is happy as larry at his mum's at the moment - maybe it hasn't sunk in yet that you are serious (because you keep on contacting him).

Break off all contact for a while - I would say minimum a week. Then and only then will he realise what he is missing - and by then the novelty of staying at his mum's will have worn off.

I also think you should call his mum and tell her what happened.