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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

423 replies

Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:09

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

OP posts:
BudaBeast · 14/11/2006 11:50

Yes Q - he may be having a wonderful time. He prob feels guilty just looking at you - and if not he should.

But he hasn't been gone 24 hours. And you have texted him and called him. He hasn't had a chance to miss you. And if he doesn't miss you - well you know where you stand.

I don't know what happened 2 years ago but if is is still affecting your relationship then it needs to be sorted out.

Please don't contact him. He needs to see you coping (and coping well) without him. That is what will wake him up.

You deserve more.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 11:53

hes told his mum. No doubt she'll think its my fault for turning him into a monster. I guess ill cut contact with him then... then ill know I guess. But I already know what the outcome will be

OP posts:
sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 11:58

absolutely agree BudaBeast

when I went through something similar I cut off all contact for quite a while...except I did let him come to collect DD and take her out on Sundays. He had a whale of a time to begin with - out drinking every night with no one to nag at him and no responsibilities. BUT I let him see that I was coping very well without him. He soon began to text/call me and most of the time I didn't reply...but if I did pick up the phone I would be very curt. I only called him if something was wrong with DD.

He missed us like crazy but I kept it up. Nearly one year on we are now reconciled, though it took 8 months of him living away on his own before I let him come back to live with us.

YOU need to be in control - NOT HIM

Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:00

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:01

hes not even bothered about seeing DS by the looks of things.

OP posts:
BudaBeast · 14/11/2006 12:05

You can do it Q - he needs to know that you don't need him. And you don't. You can manage without him. It may not be easy but you can do it. People have had to cope with much worse.

How old is he? When did his Dad die? I am not excusing him in any way but it sounds as if he has been through a few life changes in the lasst few years - getting married, having a child and then his Dad dying. He may well be feeling trapped and that he can't cope.

Sarah - well done you. I remember your threads about the difficulites you were having with your DH - I assumed you were still apart. Glad it is working out now.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:07

hes 24 and his dad died in August.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2006 12:08

morning quootie.
am a bit disappointed by the 'shall we call it a day?' bit. it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to split up (did he give you any reasons why he thinks it isn't working out or did he just land that phrase on you like a grenade?) but it has clearly been a very efficient way to get you on the back foot...
it does sound a bit teenage, tbh, saying let's just split after you've throttled someone is hardly facing up to the cold reality of what he's done. you really need to give him time to think about this, and i reckon that means no contact.
i saw what xenia said, thought it was completely pointless of her to say that she wouldn't have involved the police when he in fact had already called them. but i do agree that one swallow does not necessarily make a summer, as i've said before...
have you spoken to the police yet? and how's your neck?

NomDePlume · 14/11/2006 12:11

Morning Quootie.

I agree with ShinyHappy with this one, I think. I don't automatically think this is cause to divorce given the circumstances of your H's recent bereavement (although of course his bereavement is NOT a get-out clause for his actions).

I agree that you MUST stop contacting him. Let this be the catalyst for you getting some of that personal independence you wish you had. The more you contact him, the more it makes you sound desperate and grovelling, it should be the other way around. He should be phoning you for your forgiveness. Practically begging him gives him the upper hand.

I would deffo take myself to A&E and have my neck/throat injuries looked at and and RECORDED (his is important if your H ever tries anything like this again, it will be on your medical record as proof - very useful).

Him saying 'let's call it a day' sounds like a tactic to make you fawn over him and beg him to give it another go, especially given that you have said he isn't really showing any remorse for the incident.

I'm sory if none of this helps you, I just wanted to get my thoughts on screen, as it were. Good luck and be strong.

BudaBeast · 14/11/2006 12:12

He is very young.

Right - plan.

  • Don't contact him
  • If he calls be nice - ask how he is feeling etc. - try to stay calm even though you may want to strangle HIM!
  • If he wants to see DS let him
  • Suggest he goes to GP - he may be depressed
  • Carry on as normally as you can
  • Don't text him
  • Don't call him
  • Max 2 glasses of wine a night - otherwise you will contact him!

Have a good long hard think about your relationship and who does the running etc. Think about what you want from a partner. Be realistic and honest with yourself.

And finally - lots and lots and lots of MN. At any time - day or night there will always be someone here.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:13

necks ok, police havent rung yet. Thats just it, hes wildly immature... He just said "im not at work"... I should have known. I wish I could pack up and leave to give him a shock, but, have no where to go... I feel like im just sitting here, letting him waltz in & out as he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:15

ill try & stick to all this Neck feels fine now, so would feel a wally for going to a & e...

Again, thankyou so much everyone for posting xxx

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 12:18

Am v surprised the police told you it wasn't worth arresting him; my babysitter was strangled by her flatmate a few weeks ago. The student liaison police officer told her it was too serious for her to use her special powers of 'telling students off' and that an arrest and a caution were more appropriate.

So sorry this has happened to you.

NomDePlume · 14/11/2006 12:18

But the point is that the neck stuff would go on record, as it stands there doesn't seem to be a permanent legal record of this incident. Either get it recorded with the police (that is who you should be getting proactive with, call THEM not him) or get it on your medical notes via the GP or A&E.

NomDePlume · 14/11/2006 12:19

My local police force are v proactive with domestic violence related incidents too, trib

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:20

im scared ill wreck his chances of getting some jobs etc. if i make it too formal....

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2006 12:21

have you spoken to a female officer at the cop shop yet? she'll be able to tell you if getting it recorded at A&E is a good idea... don't slide out of speaking to them , quootie. remember, an off the record chat, find out what usually happens...

sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 12:21

you hit the nail on the head there Qp "I feel like I'm letting him waltz in and out when he feels like it"

so now its up to you to make this STOP

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:21

police only took some notes of my name etc. in a little notepad.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2006 12:22

then you ask the officer 'will i wreck his chances of getting a job if i make it formal?'...

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2006 12:23

nobody here wants to make you do thinks you are uncomfortable with, but there's no harm in gathering information, is there?

sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 12:23

I'm sorry that what I say next is going to be harsh but I can't help it

QP you really need to get a grip. He STRANGLED you FFS. You need to start thinking about YOU and DS and NOT about him. Let him look after himself he is old enough. DS needs his mummy to be OK and IN ONE PIECE and most of all HAPPY.

sorry rant over.

You can do this - you have to, for your child's sake if not your own.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:23

they should be calling soon... and ill jot all this down to ask

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 12:26

rant away, its ok Im trying soooooooo oooooooooo hard to be strong. I WILL sort out a decent statement with a full account of what happened, and I WONT ring or text him... even if I have to chop the phone line up to stop myself

OP posts:
ludaloo · 14/11/2006 12:29

Quootie...I feel so much for you...I have been reading through and you have had some great advise...I'm not going to add anymore as I'm sure you are confused enough as it is!
I think only you will know what is the right thing to do anyway....

I really hope you can work it out (whatever you decide), and you can be happy again!
Thinking of you