I am interested in advice especially from men

[midlifehope]

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

I think it's extremely drastic to say leave someone for this behaviour.

If it were me I would want to know why he took voluntary redundancy because his behaviour could be connected to that.

I would also tell him that I am at totally at the end of my tether with my responsibilities and cannot go on without his support. I would talk about dividing chores and responsibilities in a non-confrontational way and would show my appreciation for his stepping up a gear when/if he does.

As was mentioned on another thread here, I find the double standards here to be shocking. Giving an ultimatum or threatening to leave the relationship because of household chores would be considered emotional abuse if it were a man.

Currently all you have is a mismatch of expectations, which happens all the time. If he then resists taking responsibility, you have quite a different situation to address.

My goal in any situation like this is to take the relationship to a deeper level. When you deeply understand each other love grows and selfishness decreases. Selfishness is often a symptom of lack of emotional closeness.

Selfishness is often a cause of lack of emotional closeness, rather.

At work we are not particularly emotionally close and still do our best for each other, because it's our responsibility and it makes life easier for everyone.

It's not the state of the relationship that is causing his behaviour, OP. It's purely his expectations of you (and the cleaner), but he sees himself as above it.

MamaMother if the gender roles were reversed the advice would be exactly the same.

Selfishness is generally a symptom of selfishness. Unselfish people are the same regardless of degree of emotional intimacy.

People really overestimate how easy it is to walk away with a toddler and pregnant

If he were working FT, pulling his weight 50:50, great with your son it would be a tough decision - indeed there would be no reason to walk away.

But at the moment he's simply an additional burden.

By all means sit him down and give him an ultimatum as I suggested on page 1. But the bottom line is if he were a decent human being he wouldn't be behaving like this in the first place.

I know it was a typo and you meant underestimate, but in fact, most people do tend to overestimate how hard it is to walk away. When there is abuse and when the other partner acts like a person-child, causing more work than if not being there, then life actually becomes easier.

He's treating you like an idiot.

The more he keeps pushing the boundaries, the more he keeps getting away with it.

Don't pussyfoot about, tell him straight, no half measures, and mean it.

Ask him to stay on his yacht for a while to give you a break. I am sure you would find life a lot easier and less stressful without him around. He needs a wake up call, and to reflect on what he has to lose.

He really does sound like a selfish and entitled arse.

Hmm.. It's all miserable, he's not going to be happy living with you being unhappy, so is likely to go out more rather than face it. That is until he leaves you, which he could chose to at any time and it is more likely as status quo continues. So, if you ignore advice and cling on, doing the same thing and getting the same results eventually he will go anyway because really he doesn't even like you much. It's not necessarily your choice to save this, so try some valid advice from here as it will be over one way or another whether you want it to be or not.

DadDadDad I think you are getting quite a hard time on here despite genuinly trying to be helpful.
However, your 'advice' still makes the OP responsible for coming up with a plan to make everything better. Once you are the person who is responsible for someone doing something you become the controller, the 'nag', the grown up who people respond to as surly teenagers. She would have gained nothing at all.
Women can't expect someone to tell them what to do with regards to housekeeping and childcare. Society doesn't allow it. They are expected to sort it out off their own steam.
An adult male who can be respected as part of an adult relationship should be doing the same.
She is not his mum, who needs to tell him how to live as an adult.

I'm a willy wearer but I'm afraid that doesn't mean I have any advice for you, because I've never had to deal with someone that selfish. Sorry.

eta He's always looking pretty pleased with himself while Rome burns domestically and romantically What do you want to happen and why?

Only you know what you can put up with, but your thread reminds of when I was a single mother with a small child living in a small of block of flats and all my married neighbours expressed their envy of me, because I could come and go as I pleased and did not have to iron anyone's shirts.

ethelb - I appreciate your comment. I've bowed out of this thread as a lot more has emerged since the first post. I'd taken it that with all these life changing events the husband hadn't quite grasped that he needed to do more round the home, and I was trying to suggest an adult way for two people to sit down and resolve it without nagging or the perception of nagging. But a lot more has emerged that I accept means something more radical is required.

DadDad I used to do similar, wonder why everyone was advocating the nuclear option. This is because I was basing everything on the relatively healthy context of my relationship, with a kind partner who talks etc.

Ultimatum: pull your weight, sell the cock extension yacht or else you will kick him out and get the locks changed. He sounds like a prize wanker.

Just realised it, you are not married, are you?

Sigh.

This is why he is acting like a prised cock. He knows he has you where he wants you. Vulnerable and willing to avoid conflict for the children.

BTW, nagging is a very derisory term that applies only to women.

If a man asks for something and reminds that it's supposed to be done, it's not nagging, is it? But women must be careful not to nag, nor be perceived to nag. Even if the bastard gives a rat's arse about the house and the family.

Twinklestein

"Selfishness is generally a symptom of selfishness. Unselfish people are the same regardless of degree of emotional intimacy."

...and unfortunately there is no switch or spell to automatically turn somebody into an unselfish person. We always think that having children changes people in a fundamental way but I don't think it does - you're the same person, selfish or unselfish.

The only advice I would give you, OP, is to have a really good evaluation of your circumstances; specifically, are you better or worse off with this person?

To give my own perspective (I work FT, have two preschool DCs), I have always tried to be very clear that I see the domestic duties as my responsibility too, so try to do as much as I can. Unfortunately, my DW doesn't see things the same with regards to DIY and decorating (we live in a fixer upper - constant maintenance) as that is "man's work". So I can sympathise with you feeling like you have the work of two people.

OP a few questions. How does he respond when you ask him to do things? Did he spend all of his redundancy on the yatch or is he still contributing financially to the family? How would you feel if your DCs behaved like this to their partners when they grew up? How would you feel if your DCs partners treated them like this?

Before you bow out daddaddad- please could you elaborate on why your wife needs to nag you and why you fail to see what needs doing around your house all by yourself?

SOME! adult males need help, not ALL!

Obviously yours does.
There needs to be a massive compromise on his behalf. If he wants to work on is boat it will have to be at the weekends and only then if everything at home is sorted and squared away so that you can have a relaxing time.
He's out of order leaving it all to you, it should all be down to him if he's not working

Er, if I ever gave the impression that my wife nags me then sorry that I've not expressed myself clearly - I don't think I ever said anything of the sort.

Again, I'm sorry if the verb "nag" causes offence because it has been used in the past to denigrate women. I don't think there is anything in the word itself that is sexist, and men, women and children can all nag. (I gave the example of me nagging my children, not saying that's a good thing). And I agree labelling perfectly reasonable repeated reminders as nagging is an unacceptable response.

Bye!

Where I would start is in drawing up a comprehensive list of the tasks that need doing on a daily and weekly basis and ask him to suggest what he views as a fair division of labour, while you do the same. This then gives you a basis for discussion.

The problem is that if he views it as fair to be at his leisure while you are working (whether in or out of the house) then it's hard to see how you can change his mind. It seems like a pretty fundamental problem.

My Ex used to tell me off for washing the dishes too slowly, and claimed that was the reason why I was still doing chores when she was pissing about on the computer. You can't really argue with that because it speaks of a lack of empathy.

Off topic I know but what I'm wondering is, why so many men seem to need help from women in order to become functioning adults? What is it about women that means they don't tend to need any help? Is it that our ovaries give us access to some secret knowledge about ironing?

OP, did you find the men especially helpful on this thread?

Sorry haven't read all the posts but op if he can afford not to work and swan around on a yacht then maybe tell him you will be employing a cleaner? And allocate the food shop to him? My partner rarely cleans but he seems to love doing the internet shop. I reckon it makes him feel manly that he is at a basic level providing for his family.