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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am interested in advice especially from men

403 replies

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:04

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/06/2015 18:11

You don't think you'd get men saying "LTB"?

PoppyField · 04/06/2015 18:12

Did you have a conversation about dividing up chores etc when he took voluntary redundancy? That's a big change. What were the joint decisions you took in the lead-up to this big life change for you both? Was the plan that he would get another job or was the plan for him to take a sabbatical and sail round the world on his yacht? This can't have been a unilateral decision.

And what ongoing discussions do you have about the domestic stuff? It is difficult to tell from your OP, whether you have actually given him the full rundown of what you're doing and/or told him how unfair it is and that you're bloody miserable about it, or not. What have you said to him so far? It is hard to see what stage you're at.

Presumably you are looking to change this. I don't know what you're supposed to do apart from sitting yourselves down at a table with a pen and a big sheet of paper and divvying it up. Unless of course he refuses to talk about it, refuses to recognise the unfairness or anything else, in which case you have a different sort of problem.

DadDadDad · 04/06/2015 18:12

I'm sorry if the use of "nag" has offended. I appreciate the noun does have the connotation of being used particularly about women. However, I don't see anything sexist in the verb, and men and women can nag. I am sure my DC feel that I nag them sometime.

I don't give a fuck what it feels like tbh I find it sad that you would say that in an intimate relationship you would not care how your actions or words make the other person feel.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/06/2015 18:14

Hmm I don't see how a mans perspective could help.

You could ask for a lazy bastardwho is taking the piss out of his pregnant wife's perspective- but presumably you have enough of that at home...

Feel bad for you op...

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 18:14

I'm not in an intimate relationship with you dad, I don't have to nag my own husband because he's not a self-indulgent teenager, nor does he have to nag me.

PoppyField · 04/06/2015 18:15

What do you think your man's perspective is OP, if he were writing in here? Sounds like it might be pretty heartless.

Feminstsahm · 04/06/2015 18:20

We both work 50% so sat down and made a rota of jobs to do Mon through to Friday together. If your shap for the day you do that days jobs.
Works ok normally.

Gfplux · 04/06/2015 18:20

Hello midlifehope,
Firstly leaving eggshells etc is totally out of order and is the actions of a child/slob.
Be aware that a boat is a FULL TIME JOB. Sailing is only a small part of it, the maintenance will take up hours, days, weeks and months. If he had a boat before he KNEW what he was getting into and did not care about his other responsibilities. If this is his first boat he will (and you) quickly find out how time consuming it is.

Gfplux · 04/06/2015 18:22

I should have added that a boat is also a money pit.

Gorgonzolacherry · 04/06/2015 18:22

Take a week of holiday from work. Tell him your signed off sick and can't lift a finger at home and by the way he might need to find a job or sell the yacht because you are not sure if you will be able to go back to work. Do fuck all at home.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/06/2015 18:22

How would anyone just go and buy a yacht with redundancy pay when they have a 3yo and another on the way?

Did you discuss the yacht with him or did he just go buy it?

Smorgasboard · 04/06/2015 18:25

So, was he as enthusiastic about starting a family as yourself as it sounds like he'd prefer to be with his yacht than family? Also, you do realise you have no financial protection by not being married? He can chose to spend his money as he likes and even if you did LTB you would get peanuts if he's not working as all savings, payouts stay his and no income = no maintenance.You are in a risky position, is he aiming for another job in the future or are we talking a big, long-term liveable redundancy payout? You could try switching off to his mess, clearing your own and DC's only - takes some resilience to keep up but may hit home eventually. How about getting him to spend some of his redundancy on a cleaner?

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 18:32

I didn't want him to stop work but he reckons he was half pushed. He's made no real effort to look for anything else. He claims he's taken a sabbatical but deep down I think he thinks he's retired. He's always looking pretty pleased with himself while Rome burns domestically and romantically and it makes me feel like I want to slap him across the face tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 18:33

He had the cheek to call me a slob today. He said I should tidy up. I've been in work all day ffs!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/06/2015 18:34

It's difficult to feel romantic when he's treating you like a skivvy!

AnyFucker · 04/06/2015 18:34

He has no respect for you at all

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 18:35

I should say he had several other hobbies outdoorsy type ones

OP posts:
minandensommerhus · 04/06/2015 18:36

I'm not a man but if you need help phrasing a simple request in a way that won't annoy your H, then that sounds like hard work.

I'm a fan of the doing 30% of the house work until the other erson steps up. Then do 50% again.

DadDadDad · 04/06/2015 18:38

Twinkle - well, obviously you've no interest in my feelings as I am a stranger on the internet, I realise that; I took you to be talking rhetorically, ie you wouldn't want to know how the man in your life is feeling. But I take it you do care about your husband's feelings.

Your relationship sounds great (I know that might be read as being sarcastic, but I'm not trying to be) - can I ask: do you never do anything that hurts your DH's feelings or annoys him? And if you do, do you not consider what you might do differently to make the relationship work better?

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 18:38

I'm not surprised he looks pleased with himself. He's clearly a selfish man with no sense of personal responsibility, delighted to have found a biddable woman to exploit, earn, bear his kids, clean his house, while he fucks about as Captain Pugwash.

minandensommerhus · 04/06/2015 18:40

If he is not working, you're working outside of the home and doing 95% of the housework, then he clearly isn't worried about your feelings.

Don't lift a finger at home, fgs!

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 18:41

Well you took it wrong then dad, anyway, this thread is about midlife.

AlternativeTentacles · 04/06/2015 18:42

Just interested in a 'man who doesn't like to be nagged's view of this: Why don't you just do it without having to be told? DadDadDad perhaps you could enlighten us? Why must your wife even tell you once that something needs doing? Surely you can see something needs doing and work out that all on your own?

Littleham · 04/06/2015 18:44

I'd be tempted to sink the yacht.

HapShawl · 04/06/2015 18:46

I'm not sure that advice from a man is going to be any more use to you tbh, as either they would never behave like him and so see his behaviour as twattish as any woman here would, or they would behave like him in which case they presumably think that's fine and you shouldn't try to change anything. This man does not seem interested in a partnership - he just wants you to service his needs uncomplainingly, and that is unlikely to change