I am interested in advice especially from men

[midlifehope]

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

God the more you tell us the worse it is op. I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. He gives up work, buys a yacht and tells you to clean up after a day's work.

And you're having his second child.

He is seriously taking the mick.

Daddaddad I cannot believe you read the OP and came up with "the OP needs to nag less"

There is no magic combination of words or actions that will make him start to act like a responsible adult and partner. You want a solution that is not ltb or suck it up - there just isn't one. Sorry.

So it sounds like you're saddled with a complete arsehole but it's obvious your not going to leave him, your choice.

I take it your finances are shared? So if you can afford a yacht you can afford a cleaner. Problem solved. Good luck with the rest of it!

Not this again. Both people must take responsiblity for financial and domestic issues and childcare. Still you could always gather up the DC's and sail away in the yacht. That's what I might be tempted to do.

midlife how about coming home, grabbing yourself a beer, plonk yourself down next to you charming other half and saying "jeez honey the place is a tip. I'm off for a lie down while you tidy up"

Conversely, if it was a day he had ds then yes the place might be a mess and he's not had the time or inclination to tidy. When I was a SAHM I would not have appreciated DP coming home and getting upset over a mess.

So if I'm understanding this correctly, he gets:

To not work
To make food for himself and then leave a mess
To spend a lot of time and money in an expensive hobby
To have his house cleaned
To have his children parented
To blame someone else because there's a mess

You get:

To earn money for the family
To support his expensive hobby
To be carrying his child and bringing up another
To be called a slob for not cleaning up someone else's mess

He doesn't sound as if he likes you much. I wouldn't treat someone I disliked with that level of disrespect, let alone someone i was supposed to love.

Since you asked, I just asked my DH for a male perspective - I quote 'he sounds like an extra, spoilt child. She should stand up to him, not pussyfoot around him like he's a stroppy teenage boy'

HapShawl - I didn't.

I should point out that my first answer was based on the OP, before we got a lot more detail.

You wanted a man's perspective I think partly because the responses you got last time did not suit your own thinking.

Why do you not want to leave this individual?. That is a genuine question. Is it because you are afraid of his potentially asking for full residency of your child if you do because you work and he does not?. That's not a reason to stay if that is the case, what are you getting out of this relationship now apart from being treated like a skivvy?.

TBH such a man like this one you've shackled yourself to is only interested in his own self - and his yacht. You and your son are but of secondary consideration to him even if that.

Changing one of your own habits is hard enough; asking someone else to change is asking the impossible. He has it well cushy at your expense and he is not going to change for you or anyone.

Littleham that has crossed my mind!

Midlife - occasionally I come across a thread that makes me think "You know being a single parent is absolutely bloody brilliant." Yours, I'm afraid, is one.

If he was an absent minded waster who didn't see dirt and simply didn't register how upset you were there might be some hope. But if he watches you, pregnant, come home from a hard day at work, burst into tears then he nags you about the mess in the kitchen that he made then I'm afraid there is no hope. His actions are speaking loud and clear - not only does he not respect you, he doesn't even like you. There is no alternative to LTB if you want to haveany ssort of life at all.

"I should point out that my first answer was based on the OP, before we got a lot more detail."

My comment still stands.

I think his boat is part of his overwhelming selfishness; its his boat, his redundancy money - and all his and his alone.

What sort of person buys a yacht with redundancy money in the knowledge also that his woman (whom he also sees really as a possession) is pregnant?. What does this man actually do with his son during the day; it strikes me that he does not seem to be at all bothered with him either. Does he just stick your son in front of a blaring tv?.

He had the cheek to call me a slob today. He said I should tidy up. I've been in work all day ffs!

So why are you so against LTB?

I'd say draw him a diagram and then a weekly daily rota and some gold stars when he does all his chores......but why should you, he's not 8!

OP if you don't want to LTB, fine, do what I suggest ^, but then you'd be living with 3 children!

This will really help -

www.boatingmag.com/how-to/30-ways-to-sink-boat-and-29-to-prevent-it

No. 25 gets my vote. Just say that the hose slipped off the Seacock Nipple.

Sadly MN at its best again.
OP IME some men and women just don't see what is in front of them. They see the bin is full, the clothes basket doesn't sort itself out etc but they don't register that if they don't do their share it is not fair. Have you told him how upset it is all making you if yes then he really is selfish. If not then maybe tell him holding nothing back but don't get angry and then work out a list if when jobs need doing and who doe it ie him when you are working and esoecially when LO is at nursery. Don't be surprised if this needs regular reminders of the list. I wish you luck. Also when he is off on his yacht put your feet up even if it is just nice days out or in aith your LO.

lol that made me giggle nipple

We had forced role reversal in our marriage ..ie hubby lost job so. I went to work ..2 x children under 4 at the time ...It was a big challenge and it took sometime for him to get to grips with the domestics but he had to ....he's really good now......

I am maybe overthinking things and being over generous with him, but he has some issues from childhood. His dad was in a wheel chair after an accident and so I was wondering if he didn't see any modelling of a dad doing stuff as his mum had to do everything. Also he had to be a bit of a child carer doing chores and changing his dad's catheter etc. he said as an adult he has gone the other way as his mum tried to control him. His brother is not fucked up like this though. And he does gone way the other end of ridiculous extreme

For me, its a respect issue.

He has no respect for you.

It shows he knows how to do chores though.

You're not his mum. And his mum may not have tried to control him as much as she needed him to help at certain times.

Only took 5 years .
Ha ha joking ...seriously when I first met him he was a bachelor went to . the supermarket to buy ingredients for that eves meal ..that was it !!.....now he plans the weeks meals cooks family meals 5 nights out of 7 irons uniforms ..The lot ....tell your dh to.grow up and get a d*ck ...he sounds childish

Leave the boat!

Withdraw DS from nursery one or two days a week, DH ca look after him.

With the money you save, get a cleaner a couple of times a week.

Go on strike. Don't do his washing, don't tidy up after him, no ironing or anything else for him.

He's a lazy selfish prick but if you continue to act like a doormat he'll continue to treat you like one.

God you lot are quick ..my last post probably doesn't make sense ...Two. of you butted in ....!@$@!!