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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am interested in advice especially from men

403 replies

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:04

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

OP posts:
avoiretre · 04/06/2015 19:42

I'm male. This seems like a classic case of "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen". It's always been amazing to me how many women seem to go for men who generally mess them around and treat them like rubbish.
While you stick around, he will probably get worse. He's seen that you like being treated like rubbish or are at least OK about it, that's why you're still with him and pregnant.
You won't be changing him for the better.

workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 19:42

He needs to grow up !!!...

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 19:44

We did have a cleaner - she left suddenly one day saying ours was the most difficult house she had had to clean! It's small with a fair bit of stuff. We are moving though! Oddly dp used to stay around and try and clean with her and micromanage her. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason she left! He did 2 hrs cleaning earlier in week but honestly it was way worse then when he'd stared - boxes of clothes tipped out and piles of shit swept into a corner I spent my next day of sorting whilst he fucked off in his boat for 14 hrs

OP posts:
workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 19:49

Are you listening to anyone .....running a house is a tough job ..he's not going to learn if you keep.running after him ....and treating him like he can't do it ...Therefore letting him off

undoubtedly · 04/06/2015 19:52

Right so, what are you going to do?

Vivacia · 04/06/2015 19:52

I think OP is just fine with things as they are.

Vivacia · 04/06/2015 19:53

(Do you mind me asking why you're writing like that hardmum?).

workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 19:58

Wha ? Me ?

PeppermintCrayon · 04/06/2015 19:59

The problem with saying you don't want to LTB is that you're clinging to a fantasy of him instead of facing the reality. If he can't see that he needs to change, what does that tell you about him?

DH says he doesn't seem to care about his family and wonders why you don't want to leave...

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 20:01

Vivacia I'm not - I'm just trying to give my son a decent upbringing without masses of conflict in the house like I had growing up

OP posts:
XiCi · 04/06/2015 20:05

You've posted about this wanker before haven't you? The yacht thing really rings a bell. you just don't seem to listen to any advice given to you so I don't know why you bother posting. You asked for a male point of view this time so listen to avoiretre, what he says is spot on

workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 20:06

Well stop Complaining then ...or ....deal with it .
role reversal is tough ..but if your BOTH serious about bringing up your kids in a happy family you have to have conflict ...till you find the solutions ....to the challenge

workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 20:10

Maybe you both need counselling ...to work through the 'issues' conflict can be scary

MaMaof04 · 04/06/2015 20:11

1- OP asked for male opinions. Why- some wonder? and I answer: why not? It is her life and it is her problems and it is her basic right to want male opinions on this post.
2- Some nice ladies forwarded her post to their male partners. How about going that extra bit of length and ask him to write directly to OP their opinions- or to dictate their answer? (I am serious about it. I think that men express their own opinions in their own words and words are important especially that we all here are communicating via words only.)
3- Another thing: IMO where kids are involved people without kids must not go around banging their LTB quickly- no matter how wise and nice and kind they are. Kids complicate the LTB stance because the bastard is also their dad. That does not mean that the LTB is always wrong. OP's H might set a very negative role model. But just caution must be taken where kids are involved and in any case - kids or not kids- it is up to the OP to decide for themselves.

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 20:11

People really overestimate how easy it is to walk away with a toddler and pregnant. Easy to say change things but hard to do! I am listening to advice, but am not going to break up my kids family unless I'm sure I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 20:14

Thanks mamaof4

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/06/2015 20:15

Yes counselling might be a good idea

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 04/06/2015 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

undoubtedly · 04/06/2015 20:17

I get that OP, I was in a similar position to you (plus some abuse) and I didn't walk away. I just couldn't get out the door, partly I didn't have anywhere to go, partly I couldn't do that to my child. My thinking was so foggy I just couldn't get things under control. Plus always hoping things will get better.

He left me in the end. I'm so glad he did Grin. If I'd known how much calmer, happier and fulfilling life could be alone with kids I'd have run out of the door.

Leaving does not equal losing everything. Sometime you gain everything when you go.

rumred · 04/06/2015 20:19

Why are you with such a selfish unpleasant person? That's the bit I think you need to understand. Do you not believe you deserve to be treated as an equal?

Littleham · 04/06/2015 20:23

I asked my dh for you.

In his opinion the only thing that would work for a man like your dp (who has clearly chosen to behave like this) would be a big shock. Advice is to kick him out / issue an ultimatum and that you should not weaken or back down.

Lweji · 04/06/2015 20:23

I really only see one way.

You plan for it, and give him an ultimatum. He keeps the place tidy and contributes to housework in a fair proportion, or you walk out.

Go for 50-50 with the children and enjoy the free time when he has to clean up his place and assume full responsibility for them.
Put this scenario to him, even ask if he wants to be resident parent, and see how he likes that possibility.

Lweji · 04/06/2015 20:24

The second way, really, is to simply walk out, but you don't seem to want to go that way straight away.

DoctorTwo · 04/06/2015 20:39

You've had perspective from a couple of men. Here's mine. Tell him either he pulls his weight or he fucks off. He can sign his money over to you and go and live on his boat, the lazy entitled fucker.

viva100 · 04/06/2015 20:39

You need to stop nagging. It doesn't work. He either wants to be a decent father or not. And he doesn't. He doesn't give a shit about you or his children. You're nothing but a maid and a fuckbuddy to him. His children's wellbeing means nothing to him. LTB. Or continue to serve him. There's no middle ground here because he's not a 'normal' man, he's nasty and controlling.

I know I sounds harsh and insulting but you need to realize that most men out there are decent. My DP just walked in after 10 hours of work and made dinner. Last weekend he spent 3 hours cleaning bc it was his turn. I didn't 'nag' him into anything.