am I in an abusive relationship

[fantasyruined]

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Hello Op, I've just read your full thread, and all I can see is misery. misery for you, and probably for your DC's too, as they will pick up on his nastiness.

My ExH was just like him. Had me wrapped around his little finger. I lost friends, self worth, the lot......But after a major life threatening incident of which details I don't want to give here, I left him, I walked out of the door, with my baby in my arms, and never went back.

Darling, he doesn't love you, he loves the power you allow him to have over you. He's a sadistic, controlling twat of a bully. Harsh words, but from one who knows.

The following quote is one I saw here on MN a while ago. I don't know who wrote it but it's so true.....

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

...... you are allowing him to do this to you every time you answer his phone calls, read his messages, believe his nasty, nasty, nasty little lies. If you can't walk away for yourself, do it for your DC's.

Walk towards the amazing life you deserve to have, please. ..it's there, waiting for you.

Of course he doesn't mean it. He's got no intention of letting such a willing emotional, verbal,financial, and sexual punchbag slip through his fingers.

What he's doing is trying to make you feel that you're in the wrong in the expectation that you'll grovel to him, at which time he'll prolong the torment for a while before magnaminously 'forgving' you... providing you do something to 'prove' your love for him, such as ending your friendship with the feisty woman who won't take any of his shit because he doesn't he want you seeing him as she does.

If you don't grovel he'll 'find it in himself' to forgive you anyway because of course he loves you so much, you're so good together, you mean everything to him, he can't live without you and other such phrases which he only uses to get what he wants namely, you under his complete control.

Needless to say, whether or not you grovel, he'll punish you for not giving him the 'respect' he believes is his due because he chooses women who will be completely subservient to his will in order that he can be the demigod he believes he is whereas, in fact, he's pathetic inadequate; a coward who'll run a mile from a self-respecting woman who gives as good as she gets - as evidenced by his abrupt departure when your friend got on his case.

As for you claiming its not that easy... o yes, it is! All you have to do is to control what you are thinking and replace any fond thoughts of him with recollections of how you felt when he was sexually debasing or verbally abusing you and negate any thoughts you have of continuing this unhealthy association by visualising scenes which are appealing to you - the ocean, mountains, favourite piece of art etc - or picturing yourself as a strong confident woman who is capable of making positive life choices for herself and her dc and who chooses not to have relationships with men who don't enhance her life.

Get rl moral support from your mates to make sure you don't waver and run any new men you may alight on by your kickass friend before you
embark on another relationship.

Your dc deserve a lot more than they've had to date and so do you. Stop the rot now and resolve to make sure they grow up to be all they can be and are not conflicted by their dm's relationships with the opposite sex.

You CAN do it and, once you put your mind to it, you'll find it is far easier than you currently seem to believe to stay true to your resolve.

As per usual: Freedom Programme, read the sticky 3 times a day.

thank you all I was just on the phone to fiesty mate and got a text saying id missed a call from him .... curiosity killing me I ended the call to call him back n see what he wanted to say but he didnt answer.
I text saying did u mean to ring me then? again no reply....its like an emotional roller coaster I shouldnt have phoned back :( I wanna know if he meant to call tho or by accident or what he wanted to say.
my mates like see hes crawling bk already! but I think hes playing more cruel games knowing id call bk and then ignoring it thus leaving me in a state of anxiety all night

He's a dickhead - feisty mate is far better to talk to.

If you'd blocked his number or deleted it from your phone you couldn't have done that. It's been suggested a lot on this thread and I think it would be a really positive step for you.

All the best.

ok I'm sorry my head hurts now I cant think straight and struggling to deal with this emotional rollercoaster I'm in bits here and I know thats stupid :(

Wow, sounds just like my ex. Took over 2 years but I eventually left him. Best thing I ever did.

You know he's no good for you so why are you callling him?

Are you one o those women who see abuse as being evidence that their abusers love them because "he wouldn't do it if he didn't care about me" or who bleat "but I love him" when they return time and again to abusive relationships?

If you block his number/delete it from your phone and resolve that you no longer want him in your life, you won't be in a 'state of anxiety' all night, will you?

While I feel very sorry for your situation OP I feel so sad for your two year old daughter. While you allow yourself to get involved with an abusive man, where is your DC in all of this. You barely mentioned her and after reading the whole of this thread you mentioned once you had DC, once a two year old daughter, then how this man blamed her for his speeding ticket and that was all. What is your child/children doing while your mind is completely consumed by this waste of space. What is your little girl thinking when she sees how mummy allows herself to be treated. No doubt she in turn will be a doormat for an abusive man in her future. That's all she will know because that is what you are teaching her.

You don't look back with fond memories at how your mother was when you were a child, how will your DC look back at you. Put you children first before you put a very unhealthy relationship, your child/children have no choices here. You do sound weak and a woman that has to have a man in her life before her children. It's time to grow up!

my daughter is ok thanks I hide all this from her and only get upset when she cant see
this morning I woke up to a msg from late last night saying good night no kiss or anything
obviously I didnt reply as I was asleep so ive got a missed call off him 10 min later
ive tried to call him back this morning a few times and text saying what did u wanna say but hes blanking me oh and I'm still blocked on whatssap.
I know its stupid but I NEED to know what he was calling to say I dont know why I guess maybe coz when my husband left he didnt tell me he was going he just never came home it was months later I found out about the affair but he just went nc with me and I spent a week phoning hospitals his work etc as I thought he might be dead! obviously new partner is ok as has called but maybe this is where the all consuming need to find out what he was ringing for stems from.
do you think its all a game?
will he call back?
was he phoning to say its over coz if so why phone hes already said that.
ive come home from work I feel so ill and weak I'm sorry if all you ladies think I'm pathetic

you are not protecting your daughter - she will know. Why on earth are you STILL phoning him? Who cares if he calls back - just block him. Why would you listen to his lies anyway.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme yet?

no I havent I will look at that tonight not been very well sorry

You think your daughter isn't aware but while he's occupying your head space she will be affected. You're obsessing about why he text/called/whatever and you're mind isn't fully with her. There is no way you can fake a positive frame of mind all the time when you're despairing and he's messing with your head. Stop kidding yourself.

I dont know how to stop obsessing I'm sorry

don't apologise to us - or him for that matter. Start placing some value on yourself and your dc and start taking care of you both. The very most important things you can do now is Freedom Programme and block him. Block him on your phone, facebook, twitter, and anywhere else humanly possible. And stop engaging in him. You will feel so much better if you do. Or are you going to prolong the agony by crawling back for him to abuse you again.

It is like ripping off a plaster - do it fast and quick. It is the only way.

fantasyruined - My relationship started with my now husband like that. I thought I was at fault, doubted myself etc.

I am sorry to say I thought it would change, it didn't, it got worse. He ended up being violent. I am now desperately trying to get out, but with two daughters too.

Please, if you are seriously considering ditching him, please do. He will chip away at your confidence and you will soon be very vulnerable. Take it from somebody who has been there and has the scars to prove it. There will be a life after him. Find the strength and get out.

I've told you how to stop obsessing by blocking thoughts of him and replacing them with others. Some call it mindfulness - others call it self-discipline.

Words almost fail me that you've taken a day off work for no good reason and it seems you have no sense of loyalty to your employers or to your colleagues who will have to pick up the slack you've left behind.

You say you 'haven't been well' but there's nothing wrong with you except your addiction to the drama of abusive relationships which is compounded by an unhealthy case of self-indulgence.

All your dd has known in her short life is a dm who puts her sex life relationships with abusive men before her dcs need for calm and stability in their home environment, and who is willing to debase and degrade herself to please her abusers.

Don't be under any illusion insofar as your dc are concerned as acting out your fantasy that a relationship you have with a man who deingrates and degrades you approximates to one that is loving and caring can only serve to ensure the continuance of domestic abuse through generations.

I have no doubt that the essential 'YOU', the 'you' that transcends all of this unnecessary and undesirable nonsense the base you is engaged in, is not 'pathetic'; but your behaviour is.

With regard to your clutching at straws attempt to excuse your behaviour by citing what took place when your abusive ex dumped you, that was then and this is now and the only common denominator is that your abusve ex and the tight-arse abusive twunt who is currently the object of your affections are oxygen thieves who are highly unlikely to fetch up dead anytime soon.

If you're well enough to curtail conversations with others in order to check 'what he wants' and continually monitor your phone for calls/texts etc you're well enough to do the Freedom Programme and, in order not to waste the entire day on a worthless twunt, I suggest you enrol online and start now.

Please note that I derive no pleasure whatsoever from writing to you in such strong terms. On the contrary, I am despairing that so many women like yourself refuse to learn from either their own experiences or those of others.

Stop being your own worst enemy, start being your own best friend, and focus your energies on being the best dm you can be for your dc. Abusive twunts are two a penny and there'll be no shortage for you to choose from after you have raised your dc to become confident and well-adjusted adults.

@godess....wow! I never knew there were so many awful things about me .... but thanks
1 - I work flexitime so am allowed to take half a day off for "no good reason" if I'm feeling ill as ive alrwady earned it and will just be deducted from flexi hrs ive already accrued
2 - I have my own set of work and didnt pass anything on to colleagues so it will be me picking up my own "slack" of today
3 - I say I havent been well as I havent I have a long standing stomach problem which has been aggrevated through stress and being sick to the point I'm doubled over today...my colleagues suggested I go home I didnt just waltz out
who on earth likes the drama of an abusive relationship ( I take it your holier than tho attitude suggests uve never been in one ) its sheer pain and not as easy to stick 2 fingers up to as you suggest
I didnt realise I was self indulgent what makes you think that? this page is for relationship advice so I'm bound to talk about me arent I
5 - this is what really gets me how do you know what my dc have seen in thier life??? Do they not do anything but sit and watch my relationship drama? no fun no games no love just watching mummy be abused? I dont know how you feel you can make such a judgement?

words fail me

I was right - the essential 'you' is not 'pathetic' and you can be a woman of spirit when you choose to.

Now if only you'd choose to be as spirited in seeing off the abusive twunt you've been so busy obsessing about, neither I nor anyone else would be in a position to make value judgements based on what you've posted and whatever rl experience of dv we may possess.

Btw, small dc learn much by osmosis and yours are unlikely to be unaware of what's been taking place in their home even though they may not yet be of an age to verbalise or articulate their thoughts/feelings.

This is what you said OP and why it appears you are neglecting your DC.
"Me being so weak."
"I feel drained and barely able to function doing normal stuff."
"I'm curious to answer, in case he says something nice."
"I've invested so much into this relationship time wise and emotionally."
"He took me for a curry once but I wasn't allowed to have starters and got huffy when I ordered wine, even though I cook for him all the time."
"I feel like he's my drug."
"He's just left me a rambling, it seems, voicemail."
"I'm just so desperate from a sign from him."
"I've come home from work, I feel so weak and ill."
"I don't know how to stop obsessing."

If you can stop yourself for one minute obsessing over this twunt, you might realise your DC must realise they are not your first priority.

What really stood out to me is how you cook for him all the time, he is so tight he can't even buy you a decent meal. Do you realise the money you are spending on feeding this waste of space who is parked in front of your television, should be spent on your DC.

Please ditch him and do the right thing by your DC.

OK Fantasy, that was a good and feisty defence you made then. That shows you CAN. Now direct that at him.

How DARE he plays games with you like this?
How DARE he get sniffy about pauing for a nice meal for you?
How DARE he take all your time and energy?
How DARE he make you miserable and ill?
How DARE he treat you with so little respect?

And so on.

Find that anger again, and direct it at him.
Dig out that energy and enrol on the Freedom Programme.

You have the feist! Use it

A long time ago, I was head over heels, beyond reason in love with this guy. From wanting to marry me, he went to ignoring me in seconds flat and back. 7 years I wasted on that guy. 7 years! And we weren't even living together. And he would suddenly not be around, not answering my calls, making excuses, everything. Then he'd be there again. I took it knowing it wasn't right. Planning my life around him and what he would find acceptable and what would fit in with his plans and so on.

Then one day, I realised that I had to - absolutely had to - plan my next few years' moves without factoring him in. Oh boy, it was hard. I had to keep telling myself that my medium term goals were right for me, no matter whether he liked them or not (and he didn't). One day, I found myself in a position I never expected, I had got to a place I wanted to be, not where he had decided I should be.

It got easier from then. Once I started achieving my own goals then I cared less and less whether he liked what I was doing. He wanted me in a box subservient to him. Hard cheese, matey, I got out.

Of course, he got someone else into his box. In fact, he'd had quite a few lined up all along, for the entire time I'd known him.

for you redannie Having been so downtrodden you couldn't make eye contact with others will resonate with so many women who've ended abusive relationships and have subsequently found the confidence to hold their heads high and look the world in the face.

Well done you!

5 - this is what really gets me how do you know what my dc have seen in thier life??? Do they not do anything but sit and watch my relationship drama? no fun no games no love just watching mummy be abused? I dont know how you feel you can make such a judgement?
words fail me sad

Yes. They are living in the middle of your drama. They dont have to see incidents directly to be affected by them, though that dies make things worse. Children observe the atmospere when he is around vs. when he isnt. They notice the way you act after an abusive incident, or in an effort to prevent one. they notice all that, and adjust their behaviour and expectations to fit.

The rest of the life you provide may be good, great even. But if they live with you, they are affected.

Just ask anyone who grew up in an abusive household.