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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am I in an abusive relationship

176 replies

fantasyruined · 03/06/2015 23:47

.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 06/06/2015 01:24

Well done for standing your ground, but don't be deceived by those 'nicey nicey' texts because he's NOT bothered - he's just playing you like a fish and if you're fool enough to get reeled in again, he soon revert back to his deeply unpleasant self.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 06/06/2015 01:26

I know Sad its just a shame id love nothing more than him to mean them but he doesnt I must try to remain head over heart

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/06/2015 08:17

How many of these nicey messages contain the words "I'm sorry, I've been a monumental twat".

Please text him back and tell him that you aren't bothered either and its best if you call it a day and he move along.

mix56 · 06/06/2015 13:21

It is textbook behaviour,
You need to classify someone like this as toxic, damaged, misfunctioning, or just totally unhinged. Think "rabid dog"
He will never love you, you may love him, but he will ultimately hurt you.
There is no remedy for this personality type.
Do yourself a favour & ditch him asap.

LoisPuddingLane · 06/06/2015 14:47

thats what I said u got it? well done clever u

This is not the attitude, or the words, of a man who loves you. He's saying he thinks it's ok to keep you hanging on while he decides if he's going to cancel, and "poor you" if you think this is cruel.

He's taking you for a mug. How can you love someone who is this fundamentally horrible to you? He has no respect for you at all.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 07/06/2015 18:32

Thank you for your replies,
its sad to hear that he doesnt love me and poss never has
I wish I could just tell him to do one and not care. I don't know why I miss him when he's not here as when he is its just "joke" after joke designed to make me feel crap about myself
but for some reason I still love him Sad

OP posts:
griselda101 · 07/06/2015 21:10

you probably love him as he's dented your self confidence and witheld his affection so he has a kind of hold over you; strange as it sounds

that said you can change your mind about it when you start to consider what is behind it and judge him on his behaviour rather than what he might have said / done

imagine it was happening to a friend of yours, what would you say to that person?

the sooner you get over it and move on the better and happier you will be! it does take a great deal of strength initially but the best thing you can do is hold off seeing him at all and try to get some of your power and self confidence back, and it will come!

Original poster
fantasyruined · 07/06/2015 21:41

I would feel awful if this was happening to a friend and urge them to leave him asap but it's harder to do myself
ive walked round all day today with my head down as he picked apart every bit of me with his criticism, my hair, my makeup, my weight etc that I felt embarrassed and replusive.
when I got upset he said he cant deal with me.being emotional over nothing and maybe we should split up....I said maybe your right but he then acted like nothing had happened and later said he didnt mean it he was just tired and cant cope with me being oversensitive

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 07/06/2015 21:55

This man is so bad for you OP.

You are with him because you think "someone (him)" is better than "no one" and he has made you think that no one else would have you.

I was there too

BUT "No one" is better than him. "No one" means you can be yourself, make friendships, make plans, be happy, build a life. Being with him means you lose yourself piece by piece as he cuts you down and rips you apart.

The freedom programme would help you connect with yourself and why you find yourself in this relationship.

Find a way to be strong. You deserve so much better than this waste of breath.

He will never change, but you can...and so can your life.

krustylooeasy · 07/06/2015 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill · 07/06/2015 21:56

You would urge a friend to leave because you would think she deserves better.

you need to believe that you deserve better.

You do

Original poster
fantasyruined · 07/06/2015 22:00

I feel there now :( we had sex for the 1st time in ages ... he thinks I'm sex obsessed but I'm not I just crave being close to him the intimacy rather than the actual sex
it was awful without going into the gory details it was so degrading like I was a prostitute or something not his partner, he enjoyed it anyway and was full of compliments of how amazing it was....I just lay there and cried Sad

OP posts:
BeCool · 07/06/2015 22:17

OP please go read the sticky thread at the very top of the Relationships board. Read it, read it again, believe it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

pocketsaviour · 07/06/2015 22:32

Can I ask what your parent's relationship was like? Someone has taught you that this is an acceptable relationship model and you have to take what you're given because it's better than nothing.

It's not love, it's really not. Please tell this prick to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there, to fuck off again. You deserve so much more than this total douchebag.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 07/06/2015 23:57

my parents divorced when I was young, my mum was very highly strung and verbally abusive to my dad I guess but never physically, the family have maintained for years she has narcissistic personality disorder either that or she's just a bitch!
anyway I'm very much like my dad just want a quiet life, very calm person etc and will do anything to avoid an argumemt
I have read the suggested post...what a great post! I will try to reqd that once a day, I have definitely swapped a grade 10 bastard for a grade 8 one and have caught myself thinking sometimes ... he doesnt treat me as bad a xh did, I need to belive thats still not good enough!

OP posts:
mix56 · 08/06/2015 21:11

well, be "in love" with someone is a bit of a habit, what will my friends say ? what will I do on my own ? I will never find anyone ?....... What about him do you actually love ? hmmmm.
Not the EA, not the belittling, not the cruel leaving you in the lurch, not the insults...... so tell me what is left ?
where is the love, the gentle understanding, the support, the companionship? the sharing ???
You are getting to the point where you can almost rip off that plaster.... imagine this going on for years, misery, crying, doubt....
COME ON, in what way does he make you happy? Love YOURSELF, love your kids, your cat......but ditch the abusive bastard

goddessofsmallthings · 08/06/2015 21:46

Where are your dc when he's picking you apart and degrading you in the bedrooom?

How can you crave intmacy with an abusive tosser who doesn't know the meaning of the word?

Why are you allowing him to treat you like dirt when all you have to is tell him to go fuck himself and never darken your door again?

Are you one of those women who believe you have to have a man to validate you?

Original poster
fantasyruined · 09/06/2015 00:29

No I dont need a man to validate me at all and have dumped partners before... I do love him I don't know why or what for and know I shouldn't but I do and I wish I could hate him

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 09/06/2015 02:33

Hating others is to be avoided as feeling such a negative emotion towards another person can cause the hater to become hateful.

Recognise that abusive twunts cannot to be said to be loveable to any woman except their dms and start cultivating indifference towards him - which means NOT cooking meals for him and not being on tap whenever he feels like coming round to torment you in living room and degrade you in the bedroom.

Come on - do yourself a favour and show us what you're made of. You've dumped others and it's long overdue for you to bin this one.

Mellifera · 09/06/2015 03:00

You have gone from an abusive arse of an exh to a slightly less but still awful and abusive curent bf.

Please do the freedom programme, dump him and don't get into any new relationships for a while.

He sounds utterly awful. Don't waste any more time with him and make a concious decision to cut him out of your life. Mean it. Dump, block/delete his number, run for the hills.

Imagine he moved in with you. The damage he could inflict on your dc is unimaginable. Don't let him near them.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 09/06/2015 12:21

thank you all feeling very low today I have various family problems atm and a ongoing health issue I'm havinf tests for it seems to many problems to sort all at once
maybe thats why I havent ended it I dont know but everything is getting on top of me massively
he phoned this morning I'm sure just to be nasty as I had a friend round last night so when I called him to say night it was late and he was asleep but in all fairness he could have called me if he was going to bed! but then I guess its an easy excuse to punish me today.
I cried when I got off the phone coz he knows I'm struggling and is so cold towards me
I wont speak to him again today

OP posts:
mix56 · 09/06/2015 12:35

every day he makes you cry....... that's why you love him ?

thegreysheep · 09/06/2015 13:15

Poor thing hope you feel better soon. He gets a kick out of and a reward for all this behaviour - instead of being steady and mature and taking the rough with the smooth, the nice/nasty cycle means you are on eggshells with him all the time trying to not piss him off and when he does show you some kindness you are so pleased and want to do whatever it takes to keep the kindness coming.

Rather than a mature relationship where people take responsibility, are kind, and that kindness and responsibility means having to take the other person into account and deal with them being pissed off with you sometimes in an accountable manner - his behaviour means he gets to escape that, that's his reward. My ex used to do this - nastiness headed off any criticism and kept me on my toes, and occasional niceness meant me tripping over myself trying to figure out what other "nice things for him" I needed to do to keep him happy and nice all the time, thus forgetting myself and my own needs completely.

When you start to recognise this pattern, it will become easier for you to disengage as more and more examples emerge, and that will help give you the strength to drop him and concentrate on yourself. Hugs.

deste · 09/06/2015 13:55

Someone who really loves you and adores you doesn't make you cry when you come off the phone. He is damaged and something in his makeup is missing.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 09/06/2015 13:56

@thegreysheep thank you for understanding it seems so simple he makes me unhappy = leave him but in reality it seems much harder and theres no reasonable reason for that it just is!
I know what to say and what not to say to not make him pissed off at me but I'm under extreme stress atm and am only human so sometimes slip up and for this he revels in punishing me emotionally
he witholds all affection wont even give me a hug unless I ask and then he makes me feel like hes doing me a favour
feel like a kicked dog that keeps going back for more in the hope of that occasional shred of kindness Sad

I have a friend over tonight but am not looking forward to it weve been friends for about 15 years and shes always had terrible luck with men too until now....In 18 months shes met him for the 1st time moved in and is about to give birth and happier than ever it seems but completley holier than thou about what I put up with ... she forgets before this one she spent years with a different man every few months treating her like crap and even ended up pretty much stalking a couple of them
sorry if I'm rambling I want to feel happy , happy for her have a laugh etc but my heads not in it atm and I cant cancel as she wilk say I dont care. dreading tonight but at least it distracts me from phoning him I guess

OP posts: