am I in an abusive relationship

[fantasyruined]

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I met him online dating just over a year after I split up with my ex .....

You mean you chose him from a line-up of prospective FWBs suitors? What were you drinking at the time? Absinthe?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This will help you stay away from him.

Whatever you do, don't change your plans for Saturday. He'll do much to make you give up your plans, so don't. Hold firm.

why do I feel so desperate to hear from him?

Because you are waiting for the thrill of his being lovely to you. When you feel like that, even the shit behaviour is sort of darkly thrilling because it's taking you closer to when he suddenly "shows he loves you really".

It's like you know if you hang around you can earn that.

Relationships really shouldn't be that hard. And when people love you, they don't treat you like shit, or punish you for not doing what they want. They show you they love you. They don't give you a doggy treat once in a while and a (metaphorical) smack with the lead the rest of the time.

did your ex treat you badly too?

my ex was lovely for years ( we were together 10 ) then started drinking heavily, having affairs, being violent towards me etc

so your self esteem was left in tatters.

You really do need to do the Freedom Programme. You can even do it online.

Get a new sim and use that for all your day to day stuff, don't give him the new number. Keep the old one for him alone and only put it in when you absolutely have to, and no more than once a week. Do not use your new sim to contact him (well, don't contact him at all, really).

You can keep away for a few days. You can.

hes just left me a rambling drunk it seems voicemail about how HIS life is so shit it doesnt pay to be a good person so maybe he should start being a bad one blah blah blah
def not answering the phone now as hes obviously drunk and wallowing!

my ex used to do the punishing thing by ignoring my attempts to call him..for days! Looking back, I thought it was my fault for arguing with his dogmatic word. I would never purposefully ignore sometime I even cared about a little to try and manipulate them. Not read the whole thread, but look up the Drama triangle... Then take a step out of it and run for the hills (thanking god you did not move in with, marry or have kids with this man,)

Read the opening post on this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

How much of those statements are true of your relationship?

he came round friday night then my mate turned up pissed which he was ok with but he made some nasty comment about me and she ripped into him really badly to the point he left and drove home drunk
I had a msg when he got home saying its over and he had txt a few times since just banging on about how hes never been so humiliated, ive proven I cant be trusted my plan to show him up backfired etc etc all awful stucc and none of it true
I'm devestated he won't even talk to me, my mates say its not really over hes just angry and punishing me as usual but I dunno this time

pls someone chat to me ive been crying for 2 days now and not eaten or slept

how long are you going to let him punish you and also punish yourself. Exactly what positive things does this man bring to your life. Please listen to your mate - she clearly can see what an utter twat he is. You need to block him and not have anything to do with him. You need to have nothing to do with him - I cannot understand why you even let him over your threshold.

Have you looked into the Freedom Programme yet? I would also suggest seeing your GP tomorrow. Arrange counselling and some support. Do you think he has stopped eating and sleeping for 2 days? I very much doubt it. Oh and why didn't you tell the police of his drunk driving - he could have killed someone?

yes I could have reported him for drink driving im disgusted he did that but I don't know the reg to his new car plus he only lives 5 miles away so by the time I made the call he would have been home so they would have never caught him in the act.
he says I nearly lost him everything....ie he drives for a living so if he was pulled would loose his licence, job house etc
I wish I didnt care I'm just desperate for some sign from him that I havent just wasted 2 years of heartache for him to dump me over 1 stupid argument

Fantasy - I'm with you. I know how you are feeling coz I'm feeling it too today. I MISS him so much. He hasn't even called or texted since i told him i was backing off til he sorts his life out. BUT I'm not missing the person he became, the anger, the outbursts, the anxiety & that horrible knot in my tummy i was carrying for months. As a PP said, it's like coming off a drug & hopefully with time these feelings will subside & we can move on with our lives. We ARE worth more than this.

no - he nearly lost everything through his own actions.

You really need to find a way to disengage from him, otherwise this is how your life is going to be from here. Thank your lucky stars you only wasted 2 years on him. What if it was 10 or 20 -what then? This is your opportunity to get rid of him for good. Why don't you grab it.

Can you block his number on your phone? And you can still report him to the police if you know the make of his car and where he lives.

Sounds like the answer you need. He's done the splitting- grab it and run!! And as for the 'mates' trying to tell you he doesn't mean it- are they actively trying to convince you to stay with him?!! Don't they know he's pure poison to you?

he had txt a few times since just banging on about how hes never been so humiliated He's never been so humilated? What about the numerous humiliations he's inflicted on you, including last Friday night when he denigrated you in front of your friend?

You nearly lost him everything? As if!! He's the one who chose to drink and drive when he could have got a cab but he's too tight to shell out a few quid for a 5 mile trip.

You came here asking if you were in an abusive relationship. The answer is a resounding YES YOU ARE. So what are you going to do about it? Carry on sobbing your heart out for a self-absorbed prick who gets his rocks off tormenting you?

FGS face it. You've spent 2 years hung up on an abusive tight-arse knob who treats you like dirt and you owe it to yourself AND to your dc to not waste another 2 seconds on him.

Start doing the Freedom Programme online, keep reading the sticky, and ask your brilliant friend to give you a rl kick up the bum if you so much as mention continuing to associate with the odious twat who she so clearly got the best of and spared you from another night of debasing yourself to please him.

WELL DONE THAT WOMAN, give her some with your wholehearted thanks and ask her to please be on hand should it be necessary to see him off your premises again.

@givemehope...Thank you for understanding I know I shouldn't care or even be pleased but its not that easy
I'm gutted that 2 years of loving him could be thrown away so easily by him I think that's what my mates getting at by he probably doesn't mean it and is just angry rather than I should try get bk with him

Goddess is right on the money, fantasy.

Look at your nickname! Fantasy - yes it was. Ruined - yes, by him. He's not the man you had a fantasy about. He's an abusive arse.

Try to think of this as a grieving process: grieving what you thought you had, and allow yourself to feel sad. At the same time think of all the horrible things he did, how he made you feel & listen to your instinct. Instinct is ALWAYS right. It's ok to grieve & feel sad - there will be many, many other women feeling like this tonight (me included!), so you are not alone. Xxx

Thank you I feel so sad and worth nothing that he chucked me away so easily

Please try to see this as a positive! If he can dump you so easily over something so trivial then he's not worth hanging on to! Let him go, don't give him the opportunity to dump you again! Cry today if you need to but tomorrow wipe those tears, enrol on the freedom programme & start reclaiming your life & your self respect! You are worth so much more than this!

but what does it matter. He is the abuser who you are chucking - why are you giving him the power, and why is all your self worth wrapped up in what he thinks of you.

have you looked at the freedom programme yet?

Fantasy - I've just signed up for the Freedom Programme on line. It's only £10 & i feel like I'm doing something positive in the depth of my sadness. Have a look & take that step?