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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am I in an abusive relationship

176 replies

fantasyruined · 03/06/2015 23:47

.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 04/06/2015 19:23

Tell him it's over. Block and delete. Change your locks.

The more you write, the more horrible he sounds.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 04/06/2015 19:34

I just want to understand why he acts the way he does and then is all I love u lets mive in together etc
all ive ever done is be really nice to him probably too nice tbh but I thought love was about trying to make the other person feel good and ive continued to do that however badly he treats me
maybe thats where I went wrong Sad

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 19:34

Stop playing the ignoring games trying to force him to be nice to you. This is who he is and he is never going to change, he will likely get worse. And you will cry a river of tears.

Find your self esteem and get rid.

Have you thought about the Freedom Programme yet?

workingtoohardmum · 04/06/2015 20:25

Question is not why he acts like this? The question should be why do you act like you do ?

Original poster
fantasyruined · 04/06/2015 20:31

I dont know because I love him I guess and hope that the cruel comments actions etc will stop

OP posts:
griselda101 · 04/06/2015 20:36

trust me they won't stop

he is playing you like a cat playing with a mouse or something worse.

If you continue to tolerate it you might be back on here in a year with things so much worse than they are already and your self confidence shot away completely

have some self respect and get out and find someone worth loving.

twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 20:45

the question also is why on earth do you put up with it? His behaviour will escalate - it always does. And you crawling back each time is just giving him permission to hurt you again. Why should he stop, you are letting him do it. And then apologising and begging.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 04/06/2015 20:52

my self confidence is shot completely already maybe that's why ive stayed

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 21:12

why is that?

goddessofsmallthings · 04/06/2015 21:28

This man has nothing but contempt for you and you're on a hiding to nothing if you believe otherwise.

FGS don't your change plans for him - go out with your mates and keep your eye out for a guy who'll treat you like a princess.

mix56 · 04/06/2015 21:31

Tell him to piss off for good. You will have him crying crocodile tears about how he is wrong, how he loves you, how he will change.......its a text book cycle of behaviour to appease then it will return to cruelty.
TRY IT. & GET THE PROOF
This is classic emotional abuse, he doesn't make you happy, he doesn't act in a loving supportive way, what he brings you is uncertainty, & unhappiness.
Reread your posts of how he treats you.
This is not love, this is actually goading, cruelty, & it is deliberate.
There is no reason why, it cannot be fixed, he is a twisted vile specimen.
So thank your lucky stars that you don't live together, you are not financially dependent on him, & have no children.
It is serious, it will ruin your life, if you think you are unhappy now, you haven't even begun to hurt.
Believe me. It must stop, forget Saturday, go out & lock the door, DO NOT REPLY to his calls, texts, emails. tell him to take his manipulation off to the FSOF, mean it, & don't look back

mrspavarotti · 04/06/2015 22:35

You say, quite rightly, WHY DOES HE DO IT? so many women in abusive relationships have said the same thing that there is actually a book called
WHY DOES HE DO THAT? BY Lundy Bancroft. It's a classic recommendation on these boards.

Please please buy it and read it before you get any deeper into this relationship.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 04/06/2015 23:07

right so ive just had a missed call off him while on the phone to a mate I have already decided tho he will not be coming tomorrow night
I have a stressful day tomorrow and my mate has offered to come and keep me company tomorrow night if I want to take the control back and cancel on him
I know with her I will look forward to seeing her all day having a laugh etc but with him even if he was ringing to say hes chosen me over a haircut I will dread tomorrow night stood cooking his dinner feeling uncomfortable in my own home like ive forced him to be there
a huge part of me desperately wants to know what he was just ringing to say but I'm not going to call back...this is a massive thing for me even though it seems so small I know

OP posts:
dunfightin · 04/06/2015 23:22

Wonderful. The more nice and happy things you do with people who genuinely like you and enjoy your company, the less appealing he will seem.
Been there and worn the t-shirt with someone who eats away at self-esteem until you think you can't cope without them.
When I was with my abusive ex I had a couple of huge things happen and he was totally unsupportive and even jeered at my grief.
Scroll forward a couple of years post abuse and I've just gone through another horrible period. This time I know I have a whole group of wonderfully supportive friends who have helped me through it.
The simple answer as to why he behaves like that is because he can.
Use this weekend to come up with some small and big things that make you happy and then reach for them when you are down rather than phoning him. Baby steps but you'll get there and you'll be free to meet someone with whom you can have a mutually respectful relationship with Flowers

Original poster
fantasyruined · 04/06/2015 23:42

thank you dunfightin....it feels like a small victory for tonight anyway
I have had a major health worry in the time weve been together and it constantly bothers me he was never there I guess it shows doesnt it!
I hope one day I feel as strong as you sound Smile

OP posts:
Cloudhowe63 · 05/06/2015 00:01

Well done for taking back some control. You don't need to understand why he's behaving like this towards you. You need to understand why you let him. Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 05/06/2015 00:07

Why would you want to be 'stood cooking his dinner' on a Friday night when you could be in, or out, having a good time with your mate(s)?

You've got no dcs to tie you down and a decent guy would be taking you out to eat and parading you around town because he is proud to be seen with you on his arm.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 05/06/2015 00:08

I let him because I'm weak and I love him
I keep thinking if I keep showing him so much love he will show it back but he doesn't or very rarely to reel me back in when I start pulling away
I'm nervous about what tomorrow will bring as he's prob still expecting to come over the whole ill let you know if I'm coming is just a game but I don't want him to now

OP posts:
Original poster
fantasyruined · 05/06/2015 00:10

I do have children yes and no family so no one to babysit so am very isolated staying in on my own all the time which is probably why I have let him come round in the past even when he's been awful to me

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 05/06/2015 00:23

So what you're saying is you've allowed him to cocklodge in your home and use you as a booty call whenever he feels like it?

All you're doing is allowing him to reinforce your low opinion of yourself and that is not good for you or your dc.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 05/06/2015 05:47

This relationship is showing an incredibly damaging model and message to your children. Time to erase his bad influence from their lives.

ptumbi · 05/06/2015 07:41

I thought love was about trying to make the other person feel good and ive continued to do that however badly he treats me - so, OP, based on your own words, do you think HE loves YOU?

You have taken a huge step in making your own mind up about what happens with your friend. That is how friendships should be - make you feel good and happy.

Do read 'why does he do that' - get it from the library or download from Amazon.

Original poster
fantasyruined · 05/06/2015 12:26

No I dont think he loves me....even though he says it all the time I dont see how he can!
its like a cruel game to keep me in a state of anxiety and needing him
he probably hopes ill beg him to come over later I wont....ive been drafting and re drafting the msg I will send him later telling him not to come

OP posts:
mix56 · 05/06/2015 17:48

He will:

  1. Sulk for a week, or 3, in silence, & play mind games,or
  2. Accuse you of cheating on him, calling you names,etc. or
3 Turn up & infiltrate with apologies & telling you he loves you ..... which is clearly Bollox, It's all in the text book.....Its not just tonight he needs to jog on, but forever. Take hold of your life, show your children you are not a carpet, just imagine the lessons they are learning from this belittling behaviour. Your daughter will learn that's how relationships work, & you son will learn that is how men behave.... read as necessary. Why do you let him inflict this misery on you, & say you love him ?
Original poster
fantasyruined · 06/06/2015 01:20

I text him telling him not to come over tonight id made other plans with my mate as I'm not putting up with the way hes acted
he acted not bothered and said ok have a nice night....which I did
BUT I have been plauged by nicey nicey msgs all night which I havent replied to which seem like he is bothered
maybe I'm giving him too much credit tho!

OP posts: