am I in an abusive relationship

[fantasyruined]

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if you get rid of him then that is one less bad thing to worry about isn't it? He isn't offering any enhancements to your life at all - quite the opposite really.

Hi fantasy. I've just read this whole thread & it could've been me writing this. I wrote a thread on 'partner with depression - how long before I should leave' & got some amazing advice/stories. Yesterday I had the courage to end it because lots of MN posters told me it WOULD NOT get better. That there is NO EXCUSE for treating people like this & that because I had no obligation (not married/living together) it was MY choice to end it. It REALLY hurt & I have cried for the relationship I THOUGHT I had but today I woke up without that knot of anxiety & feeling of 'what will he be like today?'. Yes I feel really sad but I know it will pass. Please please have the courage to end it.

He has, as they say, really done a number on you.

The feeling you think is "love" is just a sort of relieved thrill when he is suddenly lovely to you after all the shit. It's his way of rewarding you and keeping you in line. That's all it CAN be, because this man has nothing going for him whatsoever. He puts you down, blames you for his speeding ticket, makes you feel like a prostitute on the rare occasions you have sex, mocks you when you say he's cruel, and makes you cry on a regular basis. That's just some of what I've picked up from here - there's probably loads more.

The man is a CUNT. In fact, cunts would not associate with him. He is the uber-cunt.

@givemehope...sorry to hear you've been in the same kind of situation
I admire your strength for walking away and have the sinking feeling that my other halfs behaviour will never improve either

@lois .... thats exactly what it is even now I'm curious to answer in the vain hope hes calling to say something nice, then when he doesnt I feel worse
and yes theres tons more....

People told me to listen to my 'gur' feeling, it's never wrong. I had a feeling things weren't right since about oct last year, but continued to ignore. His behaviour got worse & worse. Like you i felt like a kicked dog, dancing around wanting attention, happy to take any scraps. It WILL NOT improve. Listen to your gut instinct. You know this isn't right. I have a DD too & also would not want to see her treated like this.

Sorry 'gut' not 'gur' feeling!!! :)

thank you I will try to be stronger, ive invested so much in this relationship time wise and emotionally and feel gutted for what I thought it would be it obviously wont!
I think he has no idea I'm one foot out of the relationship and thinking like this as inbetween all the nastiness hes still on about us having a baby and our plan to move in together this year!

Unless you are as abusive as he is, he cannot be said to be your 'other half', can he?

I've got so much other grief going on atm I cant sort everything at once, I feel drained and barely able to function doing normal stuff without making huge decisions on top

Binning him is not a 'huge' decision; it's a logical decison which will vastly improve the lives of your dc and free you to concentrate on the everyday necessities and the people/worries/situations that really matter.

When has he been supportive and done what he could to alleviate some of the pressure you may be under? When did he last take you out to dinner/cinema/party/pub? Treat the dc to a day out? Buy them small gifts? Buy you flowers, bring you chocolates and other tokens of his love for, and appreciation of, you? How often does he tell you he loves you and can you see the love in his eyes when he does so?

What did he buy you and the dc for Christmas? Did you spend it together and did he contribute towards food and drink? Where did he take you on Valentine's day? Did you go to a restaurant or did he cook a romantic meal for you? Has he planned summer outings and/or a holiday so that he can spend quality time with you and the dc?

Please stop thinking in terms of "weak" and "strong". It's not constructive to think of yourself as weak and everyone who has escaped such a situation as stronger, because it makes you feel you have no power.

Just ask yourself if you are happy. If you are not, how can you change that? Bearing in mind that you can't change how he behavers.

behaves.

and don't think of time past as wasted - that is a daft reason to stay. Do you want your future to be with this man treating you like dirt. You should have your whole being out of this relationship, not just 1 foot.

And by all things holy, do NOT have a baby with him.

@godess....he doesnt do anything really to alieviate pressure or make me feel better occasionally he will be sympathetic if its nothing involving him but normally I get I should try living his life before I moan! if my pressure is him he won't even talk about it and slams down phone
we hardly ever do ANYTHING we stay in and watch films and I cook as he says hes trying to be careful witj money but then if his friends invite him out he will spend 100 quid on a night on the town with them
he did take me for a curry maybe 2 months ago but I wasnt allowed a starter and he got all huffy when I ordered wine even though I cook for him all the time and he never contributes towards it
we have never in 2 years been on a day out with the kids me and him have been on a weekend away while they were at their dads and hes there when kids are there but never wants to do anything esp if it costs money.
again never has he bought me flowers,chocs anything even when I was in hospital he didn't come to visit me and when I was released on crutches he was just banging on about how he was right that I needed crutches he should be a doctor blah blah
he does tell me he loves me all the time, in every phonecall too ive stopped saying it now as I don't know how I feel and dont believe him
at xmas we were at my familys house he was the model boyf very attentive and affectionate and had many very thoughtful presents for me ( knowing id open them infront of my family )
I bought the children a present each from him and he gave me the money back
valentines day I cooked for him he was late I think we had a row I cried he took the piss we didnt have sex etc apparently he doesnt believe in valentines day but had bought me some picture with all romantic sayings on it in the shape of a heart
we have no plans to go on holiday together with dc this year...he hates planning anything he says and likes being spontaneous which I cant do being a single mum

He's a real winner, isn't he? I mean, seriously, reading what you just wrote, what is there in it for you? He said you couldn't have a starter and got huffy about some wine? I'd have walked out of the restaurant.

Not. A. Nice. Man.

You deserve so much better.

If you met him now, and you knew all these awful traits he has, would you see him beyond a first date? I doubt very much you would. So why stay with him now. Just lying down and being a doormat for him to walk all over when he feels like it.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you think this is all you deserve?

Fantasy- read The Red Flags on the heartless bitches.com website (I think there is a link on the 'right listen up everybody' sticky thread on relationships.). I have read it about 10 times since yesterday & it has honestly made me shiver. My P ticked about 20 of them. Scary. There are some brilliant articles on there. Keep reading & reading. It's worked wonders for me today. Honestly!

Don't put it down to time wasted, put it down to experience and move into the next phase of your life, without him. He has taught you quite a lot really especially where men are concerned. At least you won't make the same mistake again.

Fantasy, he is an abusive bastard. Thank god you don't live together because he'd be even more horrible to you.

First, I know there's not much sex, but make absolutely certain that you don't get pg. This is vital.

Second, find The Freedom Programme. This is for women who are being/have been abused, and is designed to get your confidence up, your boundaries reset so it's harder for little shits like him to take advantage, helps you recognise the patterns of behaviour, gives you ways to stop it happening, and a whole lot more - not bad for one day a week! There's an online course, but try to get to a rl one, as you'll see the patterns much more easily, and meet other people and get loads of support.

Good luck!

You are worth more than this.

hi ladies thanks for all the replies....ive had a freind round tonight doing a spray tan and dying my hair for me aa a bit of a confidence boost as hes made me feel so ugly!
I had a msg earlier saying hes going to the pub but only for a pint as hes driving and coz I'm ignoring him and he will call later, I doubt he will so no worries there
still feel a bit sad though

Glad she has made you feel better. My P always said he would call & never did. I accepted that - I won't in future! I've been doing lots of reading about abuse & red flags. I can't tell you how relieved I'm feeling I called time. God knows what could've happened. Listen to that voice inside you!

This kind of drama acts like a drug on your system. So without it you might feel flat, sad, unloved, whatever. It might take a while to adjust to the calm. You might feel that life will be so featureless without all the up and down and pain and joy. Actually what it will be is a clean sheet for you to draw on. Anything you like.

thank you ive said to my friends I feel like hes my drug...I know hes bad for me but its like I'm addicted to what about him I have no idea as he doesnt seem to have any redeeming features!

why do I feel so desperate to hear from him? ive been ignoring him all day now it doesnt feel empowering I just feel anxious

The anxiety is a withdrawal symptom similar to that which occurs when breaking a substance/alcohol/nicotine addiction - all you can think of is whatever it is you're trying to give up but those thoughts decrease with time

In order to feel empowered you must focus on the fact that you have the strength of mind to end the destructive habit that is your association with this abusive twat and pride yourself on having the willpower to put your dc above whatever perverse need has kept you subjugated and oppressed by him.

Out of curiousity, how did you come to meet him and how long after you split up from your ex?