My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

People like mathanxiety and others need to know the difference between criticism and perceived criticism.
I can relate to a lot that Husband99 says where an innocent question can be met with an angry response.
For example: DP says he/she will ring the bank today to sort something out. Later in the day you ask "did you ring the bank?". Angry response: "no I didn't ring the bloody bank, why do I have to do i? Why can't you do it?". which I have very similar.
Of course, people on this thread would accuse you of asking "did you ring the bank" because you are controlling and abusive and trying to undermine thier self esteem.

Wow, even I wouldn't perceive that as criticism and I'm pretty paranoid :)

Posted early on in this thread and am appauled at all of the victim blaming going on. I can honestly say I've seen genders reversed with less aggressive behaviour described and have not seen one person say "you must have driven him to it".

OP sorry you are going through this but hopefully you've made a positive move here.

The short answer is that as she has no conscience and doesn't see her violence and reactions as a problem, she sees no reason to change and you have no hope of her doing so.

It is not "your role as a husband" to help her combat her own neuroses.

You can of course support her if she is willing to do the hard work herself, but that is not at all the same thing.

Only she can engage in her own process of change. If she wants to.

I did what math suggested and my BF didn't stop with angry outbursts. He'd be angry if I didn't seem to be enjoying myself enough with his friends because it made him feel anxious. He'd act increasingly selfishly and blow up at me for being sad. Eventually he dumped me and spent an hour tearing strips out of me in his car and shouting at me that he was still thinking so I couldn't talk when I opened my mouth. It basically just switched from perceiving criticism in what I said to perceiving it in what I did/how I looked/me speaking at all and also creating situations where he could blow up at me.

Math's advice is very very bad.

I know I am now (2 years on) in a situation where I am afraid of his anger because some of the things he has said and done have really badly affected my self worth at a time when I was already vulnerable. I think the op is protecting his self worth by not letting it stop him behaving normally by raising his issues and feelings with her. If you stop doing that the other person just destroys your self worth.

I agree with Joysmum. If she has no empathy, and can't see that she has a problem, it seems hopeless :(

Maybe she can't admit to her bad behaviour, even to herself, as it would mean admitting that she is a totally horrible person? (In her mind.)

She could probably do with a good bit of counselling. Maybe your leaving her will be the trigger that finally makes her face up to her problems. (Or maybe she'll find another partner who's more willing to play the role of the man who can do nothing right.)

You say it's worth working on a relationship when you love one another - but banging your head on a brick wall is not the same as working on something. There has to be some progress or chance of progress. And both partners have to be working on it.

When her nephew was born I knew that she washed her hair that morning as she would have her photo taken with the baby. I said nothing- but that is just not me.
No, it's her. Her hair and her wanting to look nice for a photo. Why would you say anything? What might you have said?

OP a lot of people think relationships are supposed to be this unconditional arrangement whereby you must be, and provide, one another's everything. That you must support your partner no matter what. That you have to give your relationship everything. That love will save the day.

And sometimes more darkly, that once you've made your bed you have to lie in it.

On this thread at least, you appear to be a bit of a romantic. Your sentiments seem sweet...but there are a couple of things you have said that have made me think you're a little naive.

The idea of a relationship is that you have found someone with whom you rub along well. A life companion who shares your outlook, values, soh and with whom you have lots of common ground. Someone you get along with.

It is not to see out years of arguments and misery for the sake of staying together. This sort of 'fiery' dynamic only ever works out in movies starring Gerard Butler and Jennifer bloody Aniston. In the real world it's a shitfest.

Don't hang on in there against all odds. No one gives you a relationship medal for seeing your life out in sufferance. All you'll get is a sack of regret, which you'll have to carry about yourself.

You do need to remember that it is not your job to heal her, though. She needs to become aware of how to do that herself. If you calmly explain to her what it is that makes her behaviour unacceptable and a deal breaker, acknowledging that she has lost control over it, she might well decide to get some counselling for it.

However, I would say you need to have zero tolerance for name calling and physical attacks (shutting the door on you and attacking your legs is a domestic violence incident). If you intend to stay together she needs to a) address the anger issue with counselling or as a start some self-help books (Building Self-Confidence is a good one) and b) never ever get aggressive with you again. But once someone is aggressive I am not sure if they can stop behaving that way with a partner. She might feel that you are being passive aggressive, by shutting down when she gets angry and perhaps winding her up on purpose. This is possibly her perception and so she may be asking you to be more communicative about exactly what upsets you, but not during an argument. You have to spell out why you behave this way to her so she understands it is not meant as a control measure.

If you have a serious chat with her, calmly discussing what you find unacceptable and she denies any need to sort it out, then you must walk away. Because it will just keep happening. It could just be that you are not compatable. I would seriously consider ending this relationship because it is so early on (3 years is not overly long) and you won't want to bring children on board. Any changes she makes will be long and slow as she will have to sort out old patterns of behaviour.

And my mum and dad have the same relationship - staying 'happily married', my dad completely volatile and both of them with stress related illness that could kill them and my mum only copes by having massive cognitive dissonance - pretending that it is normal, pretending she never was upset by it and by sometimes biting back and then spending days fussing over him and appeasing him. She thinks they are equals and have passion. I think it is killing both of them.

Op - do not take on the job of 'fixing' her it is something she has to be responsible for herself and you'll only end up making yourself more of a target.

Sorry, the hair thing is not weird, OP. Just a normal level difference between two people. My husband has hobbies I don't relate to and I get more stressed about my appearance than him, but this is normal.

It is also normal to say, 'Oh, don't worry about your hair you look fine' within a loving relationship. AND I think k it would be normal for her to say, 'Oh do one, you old slob, it's my hair and I'll wash it if I want to!' Bickering is normal. Friction is normal.

Rage and bitter resentful sniping that always plays into a humourless pattern of getting at each other are not really indicative of a loving relationship.

I'm horrified at some of the victim blaming and drivel that some people have spouted on here. If a woman had posted about her husband acting like this, the responses would have been very different.

OP, your wife is abusive. Who knows if she is depressed or traumatised by some childhood stuff - I don't know.

Does she behave like this with anyone else or is it just you? If it's just you, then she doesn't respect you or like you.

Calling your partner a wanker/bitch/bastard anything like that shows a deep disrespect too. This is not part of a normal relationship, even in a heated argument.

You have tried to talk to her but this - anger, denial, refusing to talk sensibly - is her pattern of communicating. Can you put up with this forever? Why should you?

What are the positives that you get out of your relationship?

Sounds like you would be happier apart. Have just read your update - hope you have some space and time to think about what YOU want.

I think washing your hair so you look nice in family photos of your brother's baby is quite weirdly insecure actually.

We are different in so many ways. When her nephew was born I knew that she washed her hair that morning as she would have her photo taken with the baby. I said nothing- but that is just not me.

Don't see the issue with this personally, surely what she does with her own hair is her business.

Sounds to me like a case of unequal power relations, your career, your perceived higher intelligence etc, and since there are many narratives that take place in discourse between two people, none of us here can really judge why she feels so defensive towards your criticisms.

But it would be hugely unhealthy to even think of bringing children into your marriage, I would say you'd both do well to go your separate ways.

Nothing you have said so far suggests she is open to the possibility of an open honest and fair discussion and any attempt at change.

I'd throw the towel in.

It would be a bit weird if you only washed our hair to look nice in family photos of your brother's baby. But less weird if you like to look smart when you know photos are planned.

I'm more curious about why Husband felt he should say something about her washing her hair, or why he felt it was an example of them having very different approaches to life in a way that affects their relationship. In my experience it's pretty normal for women to spend more time doing their hair, putting on makeup etc. - I'd see that alone as a man/woman difference rather than a clash of characters. Unless of course he wants a woman who spends her weekends camping in the wild with no showers, and she likes to spend her weekends getting her vajazzles adjusted.

I don't get the problem with the hair washing either.

I'd be worried about 'making myself look nice' after someone else has had a new baby as I'd think it could make them feel uncomfortable if they're sleep deprived and haven't even managed a shower every few days. I'd also be quite excited to meet the baby not anxious about 'looking nice' in family photos. I think it is quite weird and self involved.

I think it is more normal for women to be insecure in this way but I don't think it's healthy. I think if a man went to wash his hair so he looked nice for photos with his newborn nephew a good proportion of people would think that was incredibly weird and I think that gender difference in expectations about people's appearances is unhealthy.

It's also about why she's doing it. Getting a wash because you are dirty is one thing. Washing because you want to look perfect in an ordinary family situation is excessive IMO.

ravenmum Re: your 'admit you are a horrible person' comment- this is bang on. This is what she says to me! I find myself having to say- but I didn't say you were...those are your words not mine. I just don't want to be called a wanker or a prick and then it continues to kick off for hours/ days.

CocktailQueen - she has difficulty talking. If she perceives something as criticism she gets angry (as described) or withdraws and won't commit to talking. It feels like she uses that as a weapon- the withdrawing I mean. For me, this is about her need/ want to control- but she would flat out deny this. If we talk, it is when circumstances are right for her- ALWAYS.

I do try and talk to her about it. I try and talk about the inequality of her actions- how she is able to withdraw and have a break in a tough discussion if she feels uncomfortable, but that I am not able to. Nothing changes.

Reading everyone's thoughts have been useful and continue to be. It has empowered me to say I want this to stop and no longer be like this, or I cannot be a part of this anymore.

Sorry - just to be clear- I have no problem with the hair washing. None at all. I just mentioned it as it is an example of how we are different, and potentially it hints upon some of her insecurities. I may be wrong. Do I think its a little sad that she (as a beautiful woman anyway) felt the need to do this- yes- in truth, I think I do. But no issue with it.

I think you can be excited about seeing a new baby and want to look nice in photos. It's not like she went running out of the room to do her hair when someone got the camera out; she just washed it that morning.

I'll admit that I wouldn't wash my hair specially in those circumstances - but then I wash my hair almost every day anyway, not just on special occasions :-)

I wonder if my partner sees me washing my hair and secretly thinks I'm a weirdo for doing so, as he doesn't wash his as often. I'd be a bit to discover that he saw it as an example of how we are fundamentally dissimilar.