My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

Quite, PrivatePike - it seems a bit odd for Husband to bring up that particular issue when there's so much more going on!

Husband, it would be nice if your wife learned from this crisis, and realised that her problems are due to her insecurity, and did something about it - maybe, if you break up with her, she will try counselling; maybe not. It's jarring if you walk away from a relationship knowing that your ex is blaming everything on you and can't admit to a single fault, but that's more likely to happen than her coming to you and sobbing "Now I see the error of my ways", isn't it? It will help a little if you can detach and stop seeing her problems as yours. (Sorry if I'm going too far ahead here, and assuming you'll break up - it does seem a bit of a lost cause though.)

The hair washing thing illustrates the class/culture divide

Think it's people commenting on the thread that made the hair washing seem like a big thing, not the op.

It stands out to me as it seems such a non-issue, but was mentioned alongside the wife's jealousy about ex-girlfriends, as the second of two examples of insecurity. And when she slams his legs in doors. So she's violent, unreasonably jealous and washes her hair for photos - one of these things is not like the other :-)

I think I feel sympathy for the OP because I can see myself in his wife. Perhaps not to the same extent but certainly I know I don't take criticism well and at times, when I am feeling particularly anxious or low, I overreact massively. I suffer from depression - have done for years - and that often manifests itself as unbearable anxiety.

When H criticises me what I hear is 'you're not good enough'. He is also a reticent person and doesn't show his emotions easily, and this can result in my assuming he is unhappy/angry with me. That is something we both need to address - he needs to express his feelings more often and I need to stop looking to him (or anyone) for validation/acceptance.

I know that in the past I have been quite unreasonable. The only difference is perhaps that I was always aware that I had made a twat of myself and apologised - which tended to lead me to feel even more crap about myself. Vicious circle. He has many faults of his own and has not been the best partner he could have been - but he didn't deserve to live under the dark cloud of stress emanating from me.

Things have changed and are still doing so. Work in progress.

Your last post sounds sound, OP: you now have sense of your own limits.

I do feel for your wife, as she is clearly caught up in raging insecurities. It's just that it becomes too destructive for you, if hanging on to her insecurities which harm you is more important to her than hanging on to her marriage.

The choice of how she behaves is hers. Sad as it is, she is choosing to remain mired in insecurities, and letting them lead her behaviour.

Irianofway are you me?

Ok the first thing I want to say is that there is no way you can ask one partner in a relationship to apologise and deal with your own grumpinesss (for example about being late) and then excuse the other for swearing/shouting because 'they were driven to it'.
Sorry but if one partner can and should deal appropriately with their own emotions, then the other should too, regardless of the gender.

Second, I really don't think that anyone can change another person. Change only comes from within and if the DW doesn't really want to change it's just not going to happen.
That means Husband that whatever you are doing isn't going to stop her outbursts because they are hers to deal with, not yours.
What IS possible to do is to create an environment that helps that person to change if they want to - a whole different attitude.

Coming from the perspective of having a very touchy DH (who then dealt with his huge anger by keeping it inside and withdrawing. Not as dramatic but still very hard to live with) and me tending to outbursts (that yo ucan say I was 'driven to' by his attitude), I would say the following.

-Look at what your boundaries are. Know what you are excepting and what you will never accept. Physical violence is a NO-NO and tbh, if I was you, I would terminate the relationship at any new sign of violence. I would tell her clearly too. And even if you never say it aloud, know it in your heart and mind.

• Work on yourself. learn to handle your anger better, react in slightly better ways (eg if it doesn't matter like for meeting her ex, don't say anything). Learn to keep quiet not because you are afraid, not because you should shut up but because sometimes, this is the best way to react. Do it FOR YOURSELF, not for her or the relationship. Learning to deal better with your anger is something we could all do tbh.
• If you do decide to give it another go, put some limits to it. Agree to review the situation is 1/3/6 months, whatever works best for you and make it clear what you will NOT accept and if that hapens, then you are out.
• Lastly, it's not because you are 'in love' that it is a good reason to stay in an unhappy or abusive relationship. Love doesn't solve problems. It's the will to change that does. If she doesn't want to, if you don't want to, then there is no reason why you should carry on trying.

IF she is willing to change and try, then have a look at what are her 'triggers', diminish your own ager (see point above), that will help her find a way out. Let's be honest, when you are overwhelmed by emotions and anger, stepping back and stopping reacting automatically with anger is HARD. But imo, this is only an acceptable attitude if you knolw the person is using that to help themselves, not if it them becomes your fault if they are getting angry iyswim.

Good luck OP and keep that whole weekend for yourself. have a think.

Just musing. Even if OP is repeatedly goading her into losing her temper (which seems unlikely from what he has said but not impossible) they are still better off apart. That dynamic is not healthy obviously and he at least recognises that it needs to stop.

I would terminate the relationship at any new sign of violence

I'm not certain if it is ever a good idea to give a violent partner a second chance. Been there, bought the T-shirt. Even assuming that a woman's violence is generally not a life-threatening issue, because violence is part of an entire cycle of abuse.

Learning to give and accept criticism is very hard. I'm another who can very touchy when criticised and am not proud of it, but am I the only one who is freaked by her trying to give her mother the impression that the OP was attacking her?

No, you aren't. A clear indication that she is in control and able to plan what she does to me.

I don't get any sense of either of you having strong positive investment in this quite young relationship. Together only three years and you have already had counselling, physically violent fall outs and are at loggerheads? Why are you together?

I gather from skim reading that you have no children together, so there are no deep complications and repercussions about splitting up. You are emotionally incompatible. Your ordinary, instinctive way of behaving winds her up to the point of rage and she feels belittled in your presence. Whether you contribute to these feelings, consciously or unconsciously, or whether she simply projects her inbuilt insecurities and hostilities onto you is not really material here. The point is: you don't get on. At all.

You're miserable. You get one life. Seize the day.

In my early twenties I had a disastrous relationship that lasted two years. The last year of those two was utter misery. No idea why we stayed together. I was gutted when we split up, even though I knew I didn't like him much and vice versa. A few years later, along came DH and we have been together for twenty years. We sometimes have rows, we infuriate and misunderstand each other a fair bit, but way stronger than those niggles are huge periods of shared humour, conversation, shared ideals for the family and DC, general enjoyment of life and a deep rooted affection, trust and respect for each other. We have incompatibility problems too, but they are nowhere near as big or as time consuming as what we have in common that brings us joy. That's why we're still together.

No, you're not, Atenco. That sort of behaviour is infantile, at best, but in any light, pretty screwed up.

atenco yes I agree with you too. The nice towards trying to make out he us the one hitting her and the fact she has told him to NEVER mention she hit him makes me very very uneasy.

To be honest it sounds exactly like one of the many many situations you get on this forum but gender reversed.

If you get together again, please make sure you use birth control.

JustLikeMe I get it- I appreciate I made a choice in sharing that I was grumpy about her being late.

My concern is that's it; I don't demand a lot- I really don't- but when something does p#ss me off, I want to (with perspective) be able to share it and it not go down like led balloon every time.

But here's my point- I don't really 'raise' a lot- its not really like that (but when I do its awful).

It's more like this: we were on holiday a few months ago and preparing to go out. I shout out as we are getting ready, I have the money in my pocket (we were abroad). She continues to get ready. As we are leaving she says 'have you got the money'- I said (mistakenly) - 'yeah- I shouted out that I had to you'...you know what happens next- BOOM.

Now, i know!...why the hell did I choose to say 'i shouted out to you that I had'...why not just say 'yes, got it'?- but that was not a choice on my part- I just said it. Not intentionally to wind up.

I just don't feel that warrants a big argument- who cares?- and I judge her for making such a big deal of something like that. Things get out of hand, because I am not not understanding why she is losing her temper. All I am thinking is 'if she shared this with a third person and they asked- why is your husband such a dick then?' - would she seriously say, well he's patronising...this one time as we were leaving to go out on holiday, I asked if he had the money and he said that he already had said to me that he had it'...

Does that make any sense at all??? Her reaction just seems out of proportion and I hate that.

The alleged hand in face incident sounds like she realised she was losing control of you Husband. This is one reason why it's lucky you don't have children - if she made false allegations it could make it very hard to get access to them.

It's also why it's so important for domestic violence victims of either gender to make a police report after an incident - because it makes it harder for the abusive partner to make false allegations in the future.

I'm another one who's shocked about double standards higher up on this thread.

And Justlikeme, really good point that you can't on one hand blame OP for making his wife angry, and then absolve her of any responsibility for her behaviour!

I agree husband that's why I'm saying that learning to say 'I've got it' is something that you can learn FOR YOURSELF because it helps in general. It wasn't meant to be a reproach in any way. Because yes I get it. You should be able to say that wo an explosion.

husband99 , my ex was like your DW, just awful, his catchphrase was "I haven't done anything I only ever respond" ie I wound him up and 'made' him react like a maniac. Like you I tried every communication approach to appease him, nothing was right. Realised it was a massive self esteem problem that was so deeply ingrained in him it will only ever keep resurfacing. My DP now is amazing. Talks, discusses, listens, apologises when wrong, let's me apologise when I'm wrong without it turning into a relationship meltdown. It's so PEACEFUL. And adult. You deserve that.