My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

Offred How did your relationship end up- are you still together?

Thanks for your help Wideopenspace

Would you ever tell a female poster that she should consider that her male partner might just be upset and not thinking clearly if he had shut her in a door repeatedly, hit her and called her a wanker and a prick in arguments and she felt she could not talk to him about anything because he would blow up?!

I was wondering if shed been badly bullied by siblings growing up. My friend was and is very like this with her husband but not as severe. Just very defensive. She doesn't name call as far as I know or lash out. We have been friends from school and I use to witness her older brother and sister constantly winding her up and goading her and even when making innocent comments making them in a way which got at her. I think she is the way she is now because she was so use to feeling on the defense and under attack she just never learned how to communicate or resolve issues properly as there was no communicating or resolution from conflicts between them as siblings.

Perhaps your wife could stay at her mums in the mean time and attend counsilling herself. That's the only way I can see her sorting herself out. But tbh I think you deserve better and three years is long enough to have dealt with this and if I were you I wouldn't want to bring children into this relationship.

Still seeing each other but casual though exclusive. Cannot spend long periods together or have a serious relationship (beyond fun outings/dates) or it results in these kinds of blow ups. I don't want a serious relationship and keeping it completely casual means we don't have to talk about serious things and so don't have these incidents. He has never physically abused me though. I would not be with him if he had.

For the record, offred, my comment that she might not be thinking as articulately as you was just in reference to your suggestion that her text should have been more comprehensive. It was not a cover all 'oh she's just upset' - I think that is clear if you read back, but maybe not.

The gender is irrelevant.

I think complicit is probably the wrong word, but somebody can only treat you as badly as you let them.

Of course those of us who have been in bad relationships know its not this simple, same as saying eat less calories than you need to lose weight. Not that simple.

In all honesty his rage is worst when I break up with him and there is an element of fear that means I'm reluctant to break up with him as a result. I'm interning in the USA for a month from 13th though so I will have some time to withdraw and revitalise. Also recently moved house and that has helped - he no longer has keys etc

I've talked to her about anger management counselling- it seems to have just drifted away and then she tried to flip it on me and say I needed it- that was after an occasion when I got bored of being shouted at and shouted back.

I had a break from BF for a month while I moved and he was busy with the election (works in politics) and that helped. Other things in my life were also making me vulnerable and low too and they are on their way to being resolved, I hope to return to my usual self while away.

She doesn't need anger management IMO as she manages her anger around other people just fine. The Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that?' might help. It is written geared towards women in heterosexual relationships with male abusers but only because that is the most common situation. The most important thing I got from it was that all of the unhappy childhood/anger problem things are a red herring. Abusive people abuse because they feel entitled to and for no other reason.

But why 'entitled' to with me and not others? Because I have let it be this way?

Maybe check into a hotel and read the Lundy book? Eat room service, write your feelings down etc

Okay well in that case, unfrotunately, I think you have come to the end of your relationship and not through want of you trying to improve things. Sometimes, in life, love alone isn't enough. You can't spend the rest of your life like this. You deserve better.

Some people use their partners to fill holes in their feelings about themselves I think. Or they have beliefs and values which cause them to see their partners as lesser than them/deserving of the treatment. It's hard to unpick what specifically it might be with your wife but you might find her in the descriptions of types of abusers in the Bancroft book and that might give you some insight.

I don't know whether I think that's right, Jen1610 : surely if two people love eachother, there's never a point where you give up.My question is whether someone can love another if they treat them like this...in which case, my initial premise collapses. I do think she is a bully. I have said this to her.

With my BF who is similar to what you describe with your wife it is that he was the youngest of 4 (3 boys and 1 girl) and he is immature, unconfident and has low self esteem - he sees any slight criticism as a huge deal, sometimes even believes I have said things (he was afraid I might say) that I haven't and he can't take it and responds hugely aggressively (verbally) as his lack of self esteem means he isn't very resilient. Knowing all this doesn't make the actual problem better, nor does him being sorry after (which he has been recently).

I agree with jen. Sometimes you have to give up someone you really love because they are awful to you. If you stay too long you eventually fall out of love but by that time you've usually suffered a great deal and lost a lot of yourself by staying.

You'll drive yourself mad wondering if she can really love you and treat you like this. No-one can ever tell you that for sure. Love isn't the only thing you need though. You need mutual respect too.

If you love someone you would know when you are treating them badly and either change accordingly or set them free surely? I don't believe someone that treats someone like this can truly love them. But that's only guesswork cause I've never treated anyone like that.

All I can definitely say from reading this is you do not deserve this and if she isn't willing to get help like you have suggested then unless you are willing to put up with this (you shouldn't be) then how's it going to work?

By the way have you spoke to anyone about this in real life? I'd hope with all my heart if my son was ever having problems like this he'd feel he could confide in me and come to me for advice and a hug.

I think you can try too hard 99
You should properly consider cutting your losses/ letting one another go
When you said "No DC yet" sounds like you see a future with DC?
That could be with someone else you know?
Adding children to this relationship is unlikely to improve things?
Best of luck to you both

Really though you don't need to make final decisions right now. I think you probably need some time out to regroup and to read up on the dynamics of abusive relationships and seek some support without getting in a panic about what you should do about it.

Jen1610 the curse of being a guy I am afraid- we're not good at these things with each other. I have close female friends who are aware to a degree- I'm just very mindful of being that whingy friend. My folks also know. My mother thinks a lot of this relates to her being spoilt - particularly after her father passed awa, but I don't know about that.

Sorry Juggling- what does DC mean?

DC - (dear) children.