My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

I find this thread exhausting to read - did she didn't she, will she won't she, why can't this that or the other.

You must be exhausted OP. I think I'd be looking at how things might be if you split, visiting a solicitor for a start. Get ducks in a row then decide one way or the other.

I'll also add that I think there is a massive gulf between the behaviour each of you expects from the other, and the behaviour you each dish out to each other.

Take the issue with the exes: you are annoyed with her for not telling you straight away when she bumps into an ex on holiday by coincidence/she is annoyed with you for FB searching an ex and not telling her.

Totally agree with all of this.

Also agree that my behaviour when offended infuriates her. I don't know what I can do here- I withdraw; I sometimes get annoyed back; there doesn't seem like an answer to this for me.

The thing is, when you end up in a situation where you are frustrated and annoyed and that situation repeat itself day afetr day, it just brings the worst out of everyone.
Worst out of the OP and worst out of his DW.

It can only change if
1- At least one of the partners is able/willing to step back a bit and react in a different way
2- The other partner is willing/able to follow through and change too.

Husband I can't remember if you mentioned that before. Is your DW as 'touchy' with other people, eg her parents, siblings or friends or is it just with you that she is getting angry like this?

MamanOfThree thanks for this. I'm with you.

She is not like this with others; I have to be careful with this- that is not to say that she is not sensitive to 'feedback' (sorry- I hate that word, but I can't think of another)- she is. i have helped her to manage thsi in work situations when she has felt aggrieved. Does she react in these overtly aggressive, insulting ways-? no. It bubbles through in the form of impatience with her mum on occasion. Her brother on occasion too. But not this degree.

She said quite clearly to me yesterday that I was the only partner she has had this issue with; the obvious implication there is I am where the blames sits. That also works in reverse.

I said when we spoke that I need to consider what I share and how I share it in terms of my frustrations with her (and they will happen- we are people)- that was for me to work on. What bothered me was there was very little acknowledgement that resorting to verbal abuse and shouting, talking over etc is just not appropriate. In effect- I can work on what I need to work on- she would not acknoweldge her part. It all related back to me.

So for example- when she initially raised the Facebook issue- in confidcne to you all, my instinct was that it was nonsense- her looking at my account was an invasion (but I have nothing to hide). i don't think what I did was wrong- but crucially!- I listened and have not done that again becuase it hurts her feelings.

Were this to be in reverse, it would have been a nightmare! She just doesn't see that.

We cannot go forward if she is unwilling to play her part (and i play mine). I know this.

May be she doesn't want to find an answer to these problems.

i clearly do- that's why I am here sharing this with you all.

That could be my truth.

And maybe you really are just a bad fit.

I don't think having been with other partners where you didn't experience this makes a huge difference, unless you were both also married to those people. Marriage is a different sort of commitment.

My dh has been v defensive in the past. I have also been attacking. This was at times of high intense stress and our responses which we have learned to overcome were very habitual and reflected our own parents' arguing style. If she is defending, she feels you are attacking, even if that's a misattribution.

She sounds very unhappy about the move. I've been in this situation too, where I essentially moved to make dh happy but he would have said it was a joint decision as I would have argued for the move.. She obviously regrets it and feels a loss in relation to it.

duplodon Agreed. I did not insist on anything. I have always been open to talk on any matter. For example, we have mooted a career break as she wants to travel. This effects my professional progression but we have planned to do it.

I just cannot act on what I don't know, and what she does not share.

Does she even know it to communicate it? And then it bubbles through with an under current of resentment? This is what I suspect.

Do you think that deep down, when you strip it back, you want the same things in life? Do you hold the same values? Do the same things matter to both of you, do you agree on what matters most in the world?

There's the surface behaviour, and the "storyline" of who you are as a couple tha tin conflict becomes that "you're so/he's so/she's so/I said/she said/he said" old saga.. but if you drop beneath this, I wonder if you actually have that shared deep resonance of being yourselves together and apart, that you need for healthy functioning in a couple.

None of this excuses her behaviour or questions yours. It's just, reading your posts, I'm struck by the question: what do you want to save this for? It may be that the "storyline" or "coherence" of you being in this relationship is so powerful that you want to cling to that no matter what, and are telling yourself you can change what is? It sounds so unhappy. What is so important about your relationship that it's worth this pain?

I love her and I hate failing. I never ever thought this would be me.

I haven't read the full thread.

I wonder if the issue is respect.

Do you feel respected? She sure talks down to you at times..........

The defensiveness.............does that come from a place of fear in her part??

Could you just be mismatched?

You say she cannot handle criticism- does she think your criticisms are valid?

Would she take issue with you calling her names or would it be water of a ducks back?

My happiest moments have been with her; so to my darkest.

But I hold on to the former and the thought of not having a future together upsets me. I would feel like I have failed. I met a beautiful, amazing person and fucked it up.

Do we share the same values? I think we are both good people; we care about others. Family is important etc Are our key motivators the same- no- work is more important to me- but that is ok, right?

you prioritise work over family?
OK, but one day your family will be gone, and you will still have a job.....

QuiteLikely5

You say she cannot handle criticism- does she think your criticisms are valid?

No- she doesn't. But that means I end up not being able to say anything without getting into a fight.

Re: names- no - when I insult back (I know, I am ashamed)- they do hurt her. She remembers this. She never remembers what she called me first.

For example- when it kicked off re: the boyfriend issue. i ended up calling her a liar. I don't think she is- but I was so annoyed after she called me a prick. She remembers the former- not that the latter came first.

SunnyBaudelaire Never work over family- I just said work is more important to me than it is for her.

QuiteLikely5

I think the issue is respect too. It feels like she doesn't respect me and when she loses it, I certainly don't respect her.

I would feel like I have failed. I met a beautiful, amazing person and fucked it up

This is possibly part of the prob. You seeing the fact that you both don't get on for whatever reason and separating (which seems sensible) as a failure. And that you fucked it up.

Err no, two people realizing they don't get on and going their separate ways isn't a failure or a f up by any one of them in particular.

Did your parents' marriage 'fail' - is there some other reason why 'failing' is so disastrous to you?

You cannot change another person you can only change yourself. The biggest change, which might result in a huge improvement in your relationship with her, is for you to decide to ask for divorce. You could separate and just be friends.

Husband99

Just wanted to say that I really respect how you have handled this thread so far.

It does sound like this relationship isn't working for you, as you seem to be getting nothing out of it but hardship.

I would also have to agree with the opinion that, while most posters have been supportive and encouraging, you have been subjected to a level of suspiscion and accusation that would never be applied to a woman posting about an emotionally abusive relationship. No reasonable poster on here would ever expect a woman in such situation to justify themselves the way you have been asked to do, nor would anyone ask such a woman to try to see things from the point-of-view of here abusive partner.

My worry is that this has made things worse for you, as it seems your pain is not being taken seriously enough.

Failure just has always been hard. I don't give up- on anything, really. Just always been the way I am.

Ok- this is new in terms of relationships- but I have only ever been married once, and that is how I wanted it to be- once and forever.

Husband99

"Failure just has always been hard. I don't give up- on anything, really. Just always been the way I am."

That's an admirable way to be, but it also seems you are taking too much pressure on yourself, and the success of this relationship depends on both of you, not just you.

Do you have any close pals in real life who would lend an ear about this?

HFarnsworth20 I do. I have good, close female friends who know us both and have been amazing. It's tough though; no one wants to be 'that guy' who just talks about this kind of thing- I don't of course- but that is why this outlet has been so helpful/ thought provoking.

I would feel like I have failed. I met a beautiful, amazing person and fucked it up

Err NO!!!!
When a relationship fails, bar the case of an abusive partner, there is always some sort of join responsibility.
You can phrase it whatever way you want. That you didn't gel, that your interests were too different, that you didn't know how to communicate with each other.
But it is NOT about one person failing and 'damaging' or 'turning' that beautiful and amazing person into someone you don't want to spend time with.

And it's not because you are the one to say 'Enough is enough' that you are also the one responsible for it all.

Ending a relationship which is not going well is the opposite of giving up: it is taking action and dealing with a problem. Bringing a difficult situation to a satisfactory close is a good result, not a failure.

Giving up would be if you sat back and gave in to your fate, living in a poorly functioning marriage and even bringing children in.

In business terms, who would you respect more - the man who said "this is my business idea and I'll stick with it even though it isn't working", or the man who said "I can see what's going wrong and the best solution is to cut my losses and call it a day"?

HFarnsworth20 I do. I have good, close female friends who know us both and have been amazing. It's tough though; no one wants to be 'that guy' who just talks about this kind of thing- I don't of course- but that is why this outlet has been so helpful/ thought provoking.

I'm glad to hear that, and that this has been helpful.

no one wants to be 'that guy' who just talks about this kind of thing

I understand that, but nobody who considers themselves a friend would begrudge somebody an ear when they are troubled like you are. However this goes, don't isolate yourself, is what I would say.

In business terms, who would you respect more - the man who said "this is my business idea and I'll stick with it even though it isn't working", or the man who said "I can see what's going wrong and the best solution is to cut my losses and call it a day"?

Also, this. Listen to this.