My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

ravenmum well I could be one of those sad people trying to sell my product on Dragon's Den; the key is whether my business partner believes or not.

I am worried- is suspect not- but the jury is still out.

Sunk cost, Husband. It's when you've invested a fair bit already, so you invest more even when the investment isn't working how you expected it to. Then you invest more, partly to prove to yourself that what you've already put in wasn't wrong/a waste. Then you have to put in more again, and more, and more. Until you have nothing.

Or a money pit.
Sometimes our minds are our worst enemies in affairs of the heart. That little voice saying... if this fails, that means you are [not good enough].

Just remember we all have a "not good enough" story going on, whether we are happy and functioning or miserable and lost. It's part of being human. We are all programmed to find loss aversive, to want things to be fixable, to want not to fail. That's just normal.

Trying to avoid failure can get us really stuck. Trying not to feel the hard stuff. Trying to find a happy ending in one place even when all the evidence is that a happy ending is somewhere else.

Resilience and success come from knowing the difference between failure and self-care.

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run

I'm glad you've booked a counselling appointment for this week.

Since you've both managed to have relationships with other people, it sounds as though it's the dynamic of this relationship that is destructive or you have both slipped into negative patterns as you see 'marriage' as different to your other relationships. Some couples just don't work together. It's not about blame. It's not about fixing the other person. It's about acknowledging the role you both play, ending it and moving on.

It sounds as though you both have lots of latent resentment.

Either way, there are no prizes for staying in a failing relationship. Every day that you stay, you prolong your 'failure'. In this case, leaving is making the proactive decision not to continue failing.

Lots of wisdom in recent posts I think - especially like the way duplodon puts it - where does that song come from? (I'm guessing song?)

duplodon is a Kenny Rogers fan :)

Thanks all. I do appreciate it.

I thought yesterday's call was shit, so I rang back shortly after; just to ask about her day tomorrow- make things normal. No answer- so I text words to that effect. No reply.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Shit me. This is absolute pants.

Thanks again for the supportive comments and advice.

Did you realise when you arranged to talk on Sunday that it was your wedding anniversary? Did she?

Yep.

Oh dear. Had you both had a previous plan to celebrate it that you've had to cancel? It sounds like there is not much for either of you in this. You're not making each other happy - and we're a long time dead as the saying goes.

Did you remember it was your anniversary when you text her to say you were free to talk on Sunday? It sounded like the timing was your suggestion.

It sounds like you both have decided enough is enough.

Oh Husband, that is a bummer

What's her self esteem like? Do you tell her the things she's good at/that you love about her? Did her parents?
My mum was like this. Always so very defensive. Couldn't bare the slightest criticism from my dad. I think this was because she never had the opposite from him - he never built her up as a person.
My advise to you is firstly to talk to her and tell her how horrible it is to walk on egg shells all the time. But also to try actively building her up and encourage her - see how this changes her.....

That's a good point Bobby. It is very hard to accept critisism without it being balanced out by compliments.
What is it they say in child development books? For every negative comment about themself or their behaviour, a child needs at least 8 positive comments (something like that).
Could that be part of the problem OP?

I would be very surprised if the OP doesn't tell her she's beautiful at the very least and compliments her. I doubt she believes the compliments most of the time though, given the dynamic of this relationship. She feels patronised by the OP, so 'building up' would need to be done so carefully (bit of a minefield) in a relationship like this - e.g. I wish you weren't so insecure (criticism), because you're so beautiful (compliment)… the way things are at the moment, she might only hear/feel the criticism. Sorry OP, they might not be the kind of phrases you would use at all but it's just an example.

You can never give someone too many complements; if I get the chance I will have this in mind.

Does your DW use MN?

No, and I'd never share this thread

Thanks for this post, I have found it really helpful. I thought that I was the only one. I know everyone says that and it sounds stupid but it was true, I had no idea that things like mankind exist, so thanks everyone for the links.

:) Good luck, Papa.

BigPapaChunk Thank you for your post; likewise. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone; nevertheless, it is reassuring that I am and have not been the only one too.

Good luck BigPapa, I'd suggest you start a thread yourself, but you've seen this one!

There's just too many ups and downs with all of this- mostly downs, but I feel very anxious today.

My wife is still away- I originally asked for space until sunday but she has stayed at her mothers.

She is hurting- I know this. I also think be asking for space will have irritated her; whether she admits it or not, control is very important to her.

I have been doing a bit of reading around jealous partners, insecure partners etc- there have been warning signs have been there, but I just haven't taken heed.

There's a fundamental imbalance in what she asks of me and how she acts. She can be abusive, but if I bite (no excuse) she remembers and holds it against me. I found a slip of paper with some notes on- one said, 'if you didn't watch x tv show, maybe you would learn some new words....I am ashamed- i said this- it obviously hurt her by the fact that she wrote it down. The truth is we were talking and she said to me 'don't use long words and try to sound clever'- I responded with the above. Honestly- this is how it always happens- if we are discussing somethings, she always gets personal and I am left with a choice of withdrawing, responding or just being pushed around.

How can she not see this?

Sorry- I can anticipate a chorus of 'you need to leave' responses...I just wanted to share...its going to be a long day.

We are talking again on the phone later.

Ok, I can understand that you were probably provoked, but that was still quite a mean thing for you to say. If you don't want to withdraw or be pushed around, come up with some middle-of-the-road responses ("I'm sorry you feel that way") that are non-confrontational but let you stand your ground. Don't be bitchy.

Alternatively, break up. Really, I cannot see what is in this for either of you anymore unless you enjoy the dynamics of the relationship in some way.

Good luck for your conversation later, whatever you both decide to do.

I think it's quite odd and rather disturbing that she writes things like that down. I don't see your words to her as any worse than her words to you ('try to be clever').

It seems clear to me that even if you still love each other you don't like each other very much and actually that is possible more important in the day to day scheme of things.