My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

JustHavinABreak- what a kind message.

I do love her; very, very much. I don't respect her when she behaves as I have described. My wife knows that I am a good person; she knows I am loyal and I care. I think she therefore does feel real conflict/ dare I say, guilt.

But does she respect me??? This is my real concern.

Even on the phone just now as I made clear I would not accept abusive shouting, swearing or personal insults, she did it. I don't know if she sees the irony.

She finds challenging conversations so tough that these are her default mechanisms (with me).

What's worse, she tried to flip it on me that I was the abuser:

Here is what I have done that justifies this according to my wife:

-I said I 'was trying not to be moody' when I was waiting for her to come out of work after leaving me waiting. That's genuinely all I said and she blue up.

• I looked up my ex-girlfriend on Facebook. We are not friends- I made no contact nor wish to , not sent a friend request etc. I was curious as to what she was now up to / looked like etc my wife hacked my account and went through all of my searches. She said it was 'betraying her as she knows how insecure she is about my ex'- she thinks she is pretty from photos she has seen.

-I am an abuser if she is . As I have said above, I have said things back when being verbally abused. Despite admitting 'most of the time' (note not all- which is true ) being the first to resort to this, because I too have said things, I too am an abuser. I technically get this and I feel ashamed, but I am no saint- I've been called a prick , twat, c-word, wanker - and sometimes I have snapped back .

She also said I don't appreciate her moving cities to be with me; she 'has compromised both her professional and personal life to be here'- all never said in such terms to me before. I said we need to be able to communicate these things openly; I have asked her how she feels coming gone after spending a week end with friends and family - she often replied frustratedly that 'I am paranoid about this '- clearly not.

I asked if she had been faithful. She said yes- but I'm not sure I believe it . I guess I have to as I don't know anything different.

I think we are fucked. We agreed to talk again on the phone on Wednesday .

And so the shitty soap opera of my life continues.

Can I just say now, if anyone mentions gas lighting on here onwards I'm gone. I wouldn't wish this uncertainty or anxiety on anyone- least of all my wife!- so just stay away from it please .

Typo: I have asked her how she feels coming gone after spending a week end with friends and family

Coming home - not gone

I use Facebook loads, as far as I can tell it doesn't 'save' your searches in any way at all so I don't understand how she can have got into your fb account and looked at history of who you've searched.

I wonder if maybe she just said this to catch you out and you then admitted to it? Either way, you should have told her you had looked up your ex. Not in a "I'm being open and honest so am going to tell you something" way, but in a "hey, I looked up x for fun, guess what she's doing" way.

If you can't tell her in a casual way then really I don't think you should be looking the person up.

I recently looked up an ex on fb and told dp I was doing it. In this case he dp wasn't remotely interested so it was no big deal, but had I not told him and then he'd found out......it might have suddenly seemed a bigger deal.

You must be able to (I am no expert) as she mentioned former colleagues that she would not otherwise know the names of that I must have looked for months back.

I did it genuinely with no malice - I was just being nosey. I said this. I take your point, though.

I just don't get how someone can be so protective/ possessive (isn't this a negative sign of caring? ) but at the same time so abusive.

Actually, the FB search anecdote is the first one that's made me go
Unless it's some thing that the app on some phones does?

Regardless, H99, I agree with you - I think you are fucked. There's not very much healthy about this relationship. You can have good times with other people, some other time ... You're still 'you', though it might take you a while to rediscover who that is.

No, possessiveness isn't a sign of caring. At least, not in the sense of 'caring for'. It's about ownership. And you're right, it often comes from insecurity or - more accurately - fear of abandonment. This is not something another person can fix. It needs to be done by the person with the fear, for themselves and by themselves.

I use Facebook loads, as far as I can tell it doesn't 'save' your searches in any way at all.

It does - definitely on a mobile, poss on PC. There is an option to delete them.

Pardon me for this post - I'm being all intuitive, and am too tired to explain properly.

I think this relationship has warped your understanding of how mutually respectful, loving and empowering relationships work. I think you've lost perspective. If you want to get that back while still negotiating this one, you'll need a therapist - for you; not a couples counsellor.

If you split up, you will either need a very long time being single (years, not months) or a counsellor anyway. However, if you have split up, Relate do really good courses which can get you back on track.

Hope you don't find this too offensive. G'night!

This isn't love. You keep saying you love her but then admit you don't respect her. I think you need respect to truly love someone. Otherwise you're left with an unbalanced relationship that has little or no resemblance to love.
The points she has listed provide a very different perspective on your relationship eg from your earlier posts you made it clear that you think you have a more important career; your DW thinks she has sacrificed her career to support you in your's by moving cities. You think she is abusive. She thinks you are abusive.
Please do leave and please do access counselling on your own. Whether you are the victim or the abuser in this, you need to address the issues that brought you here in the hope you can have a healthy relationship with someone else at some point in the future.

APlaceOnTheCouch

This isn't true. I have not said my career is more important- nor do I feel it I anyway.

I said I don't respect an aspect of my wife's behaviour; very different to what you are intimating I am saying.

There's no new information in the post apart from 1. FB and 2. My wife choosing this moment to say about her views on relocating...a decision we made together (like every decision we have made) but I now appear responsible for.

Regarding Facebook, I didn't think this was a crime- is essentially googled an ex to be nosey. Really? So terrible?

I've read about 15 pages of this post and I think I've got the jist of it so I'll say this to the OP:

1. Whatever is going wrong here you and your wife clearly do not get on and her reactions/ temper/ issues etc are something only she can address, likewise any improvements you might choose to make to your own personality although it is possible that someone else might find you a breeze to get on with. You refer to at least one previous relationship before your wife, did you set her or any of the others off like this one? No? OK let's leave that there for a minute then.

2.If you are such an irritation to her then I can think of no reason why SHE hasn't left YOU already so there must be something about her that wants a toxic relationship, at least you seem to have come a bit further and recognised that it might be time to end it.

1. I recently posted on here about a dilemma I had in my relationship and was ASTONISHED at the vitriol poured on me, I was weak, naive, some truly dreadful assumptions made about my partner's motives and yes, criticism for drip feeding. Well thanks ladies for all your support. Which leads me to...

1. I eventually stopped taking the bitchy comments to heart because, fragile as I was at the time, I could hear the consensus of opinion a lot louder if I just listened for it.

I look up old boyfriends on FB quite often. I don't bother telling dh as it's completely unimportant, so insignificant. He looks up old girlfriends. He might once in a blue moon mention it, if the woman's doing something interesting, otherwise not. These people aren't meaningful enough to me. I would be more interested in which flowers are blooming in the hedgerows where we live.

It seems to me that if you had told her you were looking up your old gf, she would have blown up. Clearly if you don't mention it, she blows up. So you are not allowed to do it. Not allowed to wonder about someone you used to know, and look them up? Presumably you're not allowed to think about your past. You have no past? Your past friendships are threatening to her? You are fucked, mate. There's nothing you can do about this, it's all her.

I think that if someone is jealous or insecure or possessive enough to make you feel that looking up someone on FB is a sin, then you are better off a long way away from them.

I'm so sorry H99, I know it's not what you want. Have you read that book yet? "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. Just swap the sexes over, obviously.

Notgrumpy, I'm sorry you had that experience.

Once again she doesn't see she has an issue do things can't change.

Everything hinges on both oth you identifying your problems, taking ownership of them and wanting to change them.

Thanks Jux, it was my first time posting and it really floored me. I wanted to make the point on this thread because in my mind's eye I can see this conversation happening in a room with actual women baying at this poor sod backed in to a corner and a couple of other blokes rolling on the floor clutching their testicles having dared to suggest that not all men are bastards. It's incredibly intimidating to pitch up asking for advice and find yourself on the receiving end of such bile filled projection and supposition. Some of these people in here must be incredibly unhappy and with such a world view, unlikely ever to be able to squeeze any real joy out of life. It's a shame.

Jux- totally agree on the FB thing. I was talking this through with one of my best friends on our commute in this morning; she said she would find it weird if her partner DIDN'T do this...to accept that I cannot do this (which I have done since she raised this btw) is not addressing root cause- which is her insecurity.

I haven't had this with previous relationships. I was in a long term relationship for over 9 years- then a shorter one that wasn't right before I met my wife. The shorter one wasn't right and therefore we broke up, but nothing like this.

For me, the 'moving house for you' comment is crucial; that is what is going on her....every time something small comes up, its gets blown out of proportion because deep down, 'she fucking moved cities for me'...I appreciated this, still do- but it was a jint decision. As was buying a house here. I did not force anyone's hand and now I am being held responsible.

She is unhappy. Precious and controlling over me (e.g. Facebook), and resentful. All a toxic mix which I don't know if I can dilute...crucially, there were excuses over her verbal abuse; this is a dividing line for me.

Will be offline for a while today as I am at work. I feel ok despite the challenges- if anything, at least I can see things more clearly now.

Husband99 your earlier posts mentioned your career and intelligence as an area where your DW thinks there is disparity. As for my other points, I see you have ignored them.

If you genuinely want a happy, healthy relationship then move out and access counselling. I have no idea who is being abusive in this relationship but seeking validation on the internet from strangers is not going to move this forward.

I was going to suggest you look back over your posts and see the disconnect between the relationship you think you are describing; how those events could appear to an unbiased outsider; and the relationship your DW would be describing ie she calls you patronising and a wanker - you do the modern equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears saying la-la-la I'm not listening; you say your DW has closed the door on you violently when you have left rooms; your DW tells you to take your hands out of her face as though she is threatened by you; you say you're ok with your DW having contact with exes but when she meets one and tells you about it, it leads to an argument - why? Because you are struggling with your emotions? Apparently not, apparently it's because of how your DW told you about it. In that example, you're asking your DW to take responsibility for communicating in a way that works for you. You're also asking her to take responsibility for your emotions.

fgs even the timing of her hair washing has become an issue for you.

This is all very unhealthy and it is not love. Sometimes I think we shouldn't even have 'love' to refer to relationships because it's so nebulous. If you broke 'love' down to its component parts of kindness; caring and respect, then this relationship doesn't have them. For both your sakes - move on. Access counselling.

Husband I gather that she hasn't come home yet.

What I'm finding worrying is the fact that at no point she said she wanted to make things better and propose to do xxx.
All your conversations are about one person criticising the other and in particular about her defending herself by attacking
eg If I am an abuser (she will see that as you attacking her + as something unthinkable therefore just a crude attack on your part wo a ground for it), then surely you are an abuser too.

Sure enough, hearing that your partner isn't happy at all and has major problems with some of your behaviours is VERY hard to hear.
But she doesn't seem ready to take anything on board.

She also seems to now go down the line of rewritting history. So you didn't take the decision together to move to a new town but it's her who lost the most/it was your decision, which puts her into the victim position

I agree with some pp about getting some counselling for yourself.
I'm getting the feeling that, at the same time, you are struggling to establish boundaries and you are getting more and more resentful of the situation, which in turns, means you aren't always reacting the best way you could to what is happening. Counselling would help with that.

Recent searches are saved in Facebook.

APlaceOnTheCouch Just to be clear, I am not seeking validation from strangers- sharing this on here has helped me in practical ways- how to approach yesterday's conversation; agreeing the time in the end; appreciating that verbal abuse is a line for me, and for us to even begin to think about planning way forward, that needs to stop. My intentions are good, and truth be told, I don't have too many supportive avenues to explore this with. I don't think this is unusual for a man.

My biggest fear was that there was no genuine acknowledgement that this was a problem.

-regarding hands in face- I didn't- that was why it was all very weird.
-on my wife's confidence around her intelligence, she is a smart, articulate person. I don't care that she is into Geordie Shore and I like news and politics- those differences are part of why I fell in love with her.
-I get what you are saying about struggling with my emotions- the thing about her ex (as I have said above) was not important- it was more that she felt like she could not tell me- we spoke every day over that time and she didn't share, so when she told me it just felt odd. That's all. But her intentions were good and there was no need for things to get out of hand. All I said was this above, and then it kicked off. I just feel it doesn;t need to be like this- we should be able to have adult conversations around what works best for both of us; there was no suggestion from me that anything happened or that she should feel guilty about it. Just (like so many of our arguments, there just was not need for an argument).

MamanOfThree I think there is real merit in every word you have shared. I also feel the difficulty in establishing boundaries (my wife woudl never admit this, I suspect) effects the respect she has for me.

I don't think I want to be in a relationship where i have to earn respect by setting boundaries. I just want to trust and love someone.

I don't reject councilling as a source of support- I'd fully admit this situation has screwed me up big time.

Before anyone says it, I think it has screwed my wife up too. We are both unhappy.

Right- I better get some work done x

Husband99 I understand your needs from this relationship but they are not being met. Also, it's probably worth considering that it isn't this situation that has screwed you up. There is something in your past that has led you here. That's why quite a few posters (myself included) are suggesting you access counselling on your own.

In this case, I don't think counselling is about making this relationship better. This relationship doesn't work. I know that sounds harsh but it really doesn't and I don't think you can fix it from here.

But counselling can help you to see how you ended up here; why you have stayed and how to try to build healthy relationships in the future.

Loath as I am to say "putting aside the fact that she punched you in the face…"

To me much of it sounds like very different styles and temperaments that would work with other people but will not work between you. Personally, I couldn't live with someone who "gets in grumps" and is "trying not to be moody" when I'm running late (which is often) or held up at work. Sulking drives me crazy. I'd honestly rather be called a wanker. Clearly lots of other people feel differently from me, as you do OP.

But, above all else, I could not contemplate continuing a relationship after this: She then did this strange voice as if she was talking to her mum in the other room- 'Don't put your hand in my face'....I didn't! It was surreal

It's dangerous and should be an absolute deal breaker.

I think Couch is spot on about why counselling would be a good idea for you, away from this relationship.

Laurief - I'm with you. Just so you know, I am not 'grumpy' all the time. To be honest, I want to be able to be grumpy now and then and it not kick off rather than hide it, although some things just don't need sharing for the benefit of the relationship. I know this. But everything I share goes down like this. My preference that she told me about meeting her ex as one example. I was not attacking what she did; just that I would have preferred she told me straight away (if, indeed, at all!).

What is lacking is a solid foundation where the starting point is - WE ARE ON EACHOTHER'S SIDE- I am not attacking you by saying this. I do not want to break up because I am saying/ feeling this. I do not think you are a bad person because I am saying/ feeling this. etc.

I do feel I need support, personally. I have just booked a consultation for this week. Thank you for suggesting it- I appreciate all of your honesty.

I agree with what laurierf says, but I'll also add that I think there is a massive gulf between the behaviour each of you expects from the other, and the behaviour you each dish out to each other.

Take the issue with the exes: you are annoyed with her for not telling you straight away when she bumps into an ex on holiday by coincidence/she is annoyed with you for FB searching an ex and not telling her.

You "try not to be moody" and withdraw into your ipod headphones/leave the room - it's difficult to tell her feelings on this without her side of the story - would it be fair to say she finds this infuriating? She feels she has given up a lot moving cities, you say this was a joint decision - perhaps she feels she did take one for the team then, and that you saying 'it was a joint decision' is not appreciating the sacrifice she made?

You both call each other the abuser. Do you listen to her viewpoint at all? I ask because you don't seem to accept anyone on this thread trying to see it from her point of view.