My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

I guess we don't know how many times before the OP's wife had felt patronised/thought 'Wanker' (really loudly, as I often did) and then finally said it. I'm NOT making her feelings more important. I'm just saying we don't know.

YY - it was a constant drip drip effect- until I probably did become snappy. But me being riled made him happy, - it made him right - it made me look like I was unreasonably flying off the handle sometimes, whilst he was the calm voice of reason and I was the hysterical woman. Perhaps you have to have lived it to see it.

Me too Sabrinna though my BF also has the angry/stonewalling reactions to me existing as well as the raising anything that could be perceived as a criticism, even when he has asked me to be 'candid' with him.

What she is feeling is important I think. I'm sure the op thinks so too. However it's not so important that other posters blame him for being abusive or that he be condemned for not wanting to leave the relationship immediately IMO

But, as said, the people blaming him for being abusive were a small minority, the others were saying - look, if you want to stay with her and for her to change her behaviour, then you are going to have to think about your behaviour too. And they're right. There's no other option. She's not just going to change her behaviour on her own without the OP changing his behaviour.

Has anyone condemned him for not wanting to leave the relationship immediately?

We all view this from our experience and perspectives, of course we do. You think women who wash their hair before having a photo taken are insecure. I think worrying about whether you would make the parents of a newborn feel like shit by washing your hair before going round to see them is equally problematic. I don't think calling your partner a wanker in those circumstances is necessarily abusive, you do. Some people have wholeheartedly supported the OP, some have tried to look at things from both sides… only a small few have attacked him (and, no, it's not acceptable at all).

Can't disagree with that Laurie.

I would actually justleave her OP. You are just an emotional punchbag for her and I feel sorry for you.

See how easy she finds it to meet someone else who puts up with her shit!!

This thread is all over the shop!

Husband99, I just want to say that I believe you. You know what? Maybe your wife does feel niggled at and criticised the whole time, BUT she also sounds like hard work and the physical aggression is just not okay.

The two of you do sound like you're not making each other that happy, certainly. I won't go into details, but I recognise elements of her attempts to control you: the telling you to leave, then telling you it's over if you do is a test. In her mind, it's (at best) designed to put a stop to the argument and force some affection from you. However, it's abusive to play with people like that.

Maybe one day she'll be ready to think about her behaviour and her responses, but it often takes people a while to do this - especially if deep down they recognise that their behaviour isn't okay - but you don't have to hang around waiting for her to have that epiphany. Maybe if your relationship talk turns into a row, you should be prepared to leave. Separate for a while and see if you're happier apart, or at least calmer.

All the best.

You have done some leaping into things too Offred - you said I was complicit in abuse earlier in this thread.

I suspect things have escalated quickly for the OP because the 'drip drip' has become overwhelming (for his wife - that is definitely my experience: it got to a point where I was so overflowing with shit that I couldn't handle anything) and the wife's responses have been completely unreasonable for a while.

Toxic, yes. If we go with the mantra that 'we believe you' then yes, he is the victim of physical abuse - but I am very doubtful he is the only vicitm in the relationship.

The hair washing thing is really strange - it's fairly standard for women to wash their hair. He says,

We are different in so many ways. When her nephew was born I knew that she washed her hair that morning as she would have her photo taken with the baby. I said nothing- but that is just not me.

I just don't understand the 'it's just not me' comment - like his wife washing her hair affects him in some way, or is something he feels he can comment on. I know he said nothing to her on that occasion - but the fact that he brought it up here- or even noted it in his own head- makes me think that he is very critical of her, analysing her every move.

Sabrinna, Husband99 hasn't given any sign of being very critical of his partner, has he? It's a long thread with a lot of posts from the OP. If he's a closet goader, he's done an incredible job of hiding it.

H99, I hope this evening's going okay and you'll feel able to come back if you need to talk.

I totally get the point about washing her hair! In context, H99 was talking about his DW's insecurity. This was a small example - that she did her hair because she knew her photo would be taken. I assume she doesn't do her hair every morning, otherwise that would be a peculiar observation.

Fwiw, my ex would have said "God, you're so insecure/vain, you're doing this to look good on the baby photos, aren't you?" And I would have said, well yeah ... but yet another microbead of poison would have settled in our already toxic relationship.

Obviously the above exchange would mean zilch in a normal relationship. My reading is that, if OP is in the kind of scenario where he has to double-check every word for possible offence, then triple-check to remember what normal people do, he's being abused.

"Walking on eggshells" is another way of saying "living in fear".

Hi all. On my mobile so please excuse typos. I text my wife earlier (in part due to challenge by someone on this thread who indicated I should consider doing so or else I could be perceived as playing games- the last thing I want to do) and we've set a time to talk tomorrow.

On the hair thing, I referenced it as example of just how we are different. It wouldn't/didn't occur to me that when I went to the hospital to see the baby, mum and dad that photos would be taken and that I should particularly consider my apprearance. I don't see it as an issue- as I said, it may be a symptom of insecurity (despite her being beautiful with hair whatever it looks like) and b) potentially more valid as a social commentary on the pressure women may put themselves under- perhaps more so than men. Either way, it's not the crux of the matter and I haven't intended it to be.

People have suggested I need to leave her ASAP. I love her. I take our wedding vows incredibly seriously. Things are unbelievably shit; I have a role and can do more, but I do want some things to be different and I want to fight for this/ us. As I said, that will have to involve change by me too. I'm not afraid of that.

As I said, that will have to involve change by me too. I'm not afraid of that

I'll be honest - I hadn't spotted that you'd said that.

I'm pretty sure that the wedding vows would have involved some variation on "love, honour, respect"… (we didn't have 'obey' but you might have?). They are equally as important (I personally think more so) than the 'for better or worse'. No one should stay in an abusive relationship because they made wedding vows.

OP, I'm interested to know what you think you need to change?

...before anyone has a go at me for nitpicking on words and man-hating… I genuinely haven't seen a post where the OP has said he knows he has to change.

Oh. sorry, I see what you mean, in that last post you say "I have a role and can do more".

Obey- not even dignifying that.

On leaving- no one should leave if there is something potentially so special and worth fighting for. Of course, we both have to feel that there is something potentially special that is worth fighting for, and that is reflected in our actions and how we treat one another moving forward. If not- I agree - this won't work.

Obey- not even dignifying that

eh? OK. I was just saying that people vary on how seriously they take the actual wording of the wedding vows (i.e. for us we both actively wanted 'obey' out of our wedding vows but kept other stuff in).

I'm sorry it came across as a dig at you.

Slightly boggled by this - "look, if you want to stay with her and for her to change her behaviour, then you are going to have to think about your behaviour too. And they're right."
I'm slightly shocked by all of this. I've seen so many threads where if a woman even suggests this sort of abuse, including physical violence, the advice is to leave. I don't think I've ever seen it suggested that she needs to work on her behaviour?
Can we not take this at face value as we do with other posts?

cashmere cardigans, as you are boggled by a quote from me, I've always said he should leave.

cashmere - the OP wants his wife to work on her behaviour...

Sorry Laurierf, I realised I had paraphrased your comments from others, so apologies, I didn't mean to sound critical. I've just found all of this really difficult. MN can be very quick to tell women to leave in these scenarios but here a lot of people are questioning why and if it is his fault, I don't have a problem with that but it needs to be consistent.
It just doesn't sit well with me, I'm afraid

The main reasons that men don't report domestic abuse are humiliation, not thinking they'll be believed and fear of losing access to kids. This thread may well put other men off of asking for help. Shameful.

Despite the fact that domestic violence is seen as a product of a patriarchal society, one in five victims who dies at the hands of a partner or ex is male.

Sleepless..your stats suggest that the vast majority of victims who die at the hand of a partner of ex are female. And if you post on a predominantly female forum, on a board where people see women thinking and saying it's their fault or relating what the partner is saying and people can spot blatant gas lighting of which the OP is totally unaware... it's probably inevitably that a poster (and yes probably more so for a man) who posted the OP that he did is going to get a more inquisition and no . But actually, I'm still not sure that if a woman posted the exact same OP about her husband, word for word, she wouldn't get the same sort of inquisition from some posters (again, not the one or two extreme and unfair ones that have been pulled up).

Lots of people didn't humiliate and disbelieve him - actually more posts have stuck up for the OP than haven't. Many people said he should leave. He's made it clear he doesn't want to and many people have given the only other possible advice, which is to tell her what his problem is and ask her to change, but also to be aware that he has to change too if there is even the slightest chance she is going to change.

Wide - I understand that you and others suspect that. It is clear and that is why I think you and others are complicit.

No-one would have said to a woman who described the same kind of behaviour that if they wanted to stay they would have to work on their behaviour. They would have said they understand it is difficult to leave. They would not have suspected a woman was the cause of a man's physical abuse.

And just because the majority of victims are female doesn't mean this op is not a victim.