My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

Husband, my first thought when I read your OP was, what is my Dad doing on Mumsnet???

I'm tend to lurk on these threads, but I really wanted to post here as, your wife sounds very much like my DM. To my knowledge, my Mum has never hit my Dad, but her behaviour can be really aggressive, and she is so unbelievably sensitive to criticism. I totally know where you're coming from.

I just wanted to say that my parents have been married for 30 years. I think that my Mum suffers from a mixture of low self esteem, and depression (that was definitely worsened during and post menopause). She doesn't take anti depressants, but does take a cocktail of HRT which has made a huge difference in her mood and temperament. My mum's parents both died when she had two infant children, and I think that had a profound effect on her. She is not NC with her siblings, but they are not close, including a twin sister. My Dad on the other hand has a huge, supportive and close family, and I know that my DM resents this.

Just to give an example, my Dad can't have a conversation with Mum about our dogs illness (eg. which vet to go to), because she takes any suggestions as a personal attack on her own decision making. When she flips, she can give the silent treatment for weeks not days!

I guess what I wanted to say was, my parents have generally had a happy marriage, and whilst there have been some dark times for all of us, I genuinely think they are happier together than they would have been apart. The good times are great. We are a close family. That's not to say my Dad hasn't had a rough time of it, but I know that Mum doesn't enjoy being nasty to her family, I honestly think she can't help it.

You don't say how long you've been together, or if you have kids, I get that it might be quite different for you.

Just wanted to offer support, and understanding to what is probably an incredibly difficult and complicated situation. xx

PS. Very sensible advice from shovetheholly

As I have stated before I think it is the very fact that the OP is a man is the reason for some of the responses on here.

Awadebumbo - I find it hard to see any other reason for it though am loathe to believe it tbh. I did genuinely think there was a feminist rather than manhating atmosphere on this board till this thread.

OP this is why I was saying because that you need to look after yourself and learn fur yourself to step back when there us an argument. For your own sake, not the one of the relationship.
You can do that in your own, with the support of a counsellor. You can do it whilst still in the relationship or decide it's too much and go your separate ways.
But you do need to learn how to manage 'fiery' exchanges.

Fwiw, I can't see a problem with your DW coming home because she has to work. The best way to have do e time alone is to go away tbh. Otherwise you are in effect telling her she isn't welcome in her own house! Which is NOT the best way to 'work' on your relationship.

So many highlights.

It's a man, the physical violence is probably made up.

It wasn't mentioned in the OP, the physical violence is probably made up.

It's a man, this so-called "hit in the face" would have been of a trivial non-assault kind like slapping.

WE MUST FOCUS ON THE HAIR COMMENT. FORGET ABOUT THE OTHER STUFF.

This thread is just disgusting. Beyond disgusting. I am actually finding it hard to believe just HOW MANY people here have said "oh yes, so maybe what she did wasn't quite RIGHT but you probably asked for it anyway, I doubt you are an angel, I'm sure you're overplaying what she did". I'm sort of wordless about it.

Do any you not feel doubt and shame about your stance that he probably brought this on himself when you read comments like:

"I love her. She has so many good qualities. I told her something fro my past and she was one of only a few people whose head did not tip to the side in sympathy. She just listened. I love that and still do- but all this hurts so much.

I hate failing too. And I am right now."

It's pretty classic. He is being torn apart here in the context of trying to make sense of an abusive relationship, because of course, it must be a wind up. Nothing like this has ever warranted support in the history of the world, ever.

It's quite disheartening that someone could come to the board for help and advice and be treated like this.

Quite a few posters have tried to give helpful advice. However, it's difficult, because violence is obviously not a deal breaker for him and he doesn't want to separate, which many people have suggested. So he wants to continue the relationship and he wants her to change. But if it is possible for her to change (and I'm not personally convinced that it is within this relationship) she is not going to change unless he changes too… and that's inevitably going to open up posts about "victim blaming". Normally someone suggests the Freedom Programme. I think someone has already suggested mankind.org.uk...

I am astonished at the tone of this thread. I spend quite a lot of time on the Relationships board, and I know that if a woman came on posting like this about her dh, and then mentioned half way down the thread that he'd slapped her, we'd all be screaming at her to get out, get away, etc. I really don't understand why so many people are being so unsupportive and suicious. We wouldn't be womdering what the other side of the story was if the op was woman, we just wouldn't; nor suggesting that she might look at how she provokes him into a blind rage, nor advising her to change her behaviour so that he doesn't get wound up.

This is shameful

I'm sorry, Husband. I'm truly sorry

How are you op?

I think the point is Laurie that if a woman had posted this she would be treated with kindness and support and maybe some tough love.
But there is no way on earth she would be treated the way some on here have treated the OP it's truly shameful.
Furthermore victims of abuse sometimes need to realise that what they're going through is actually abuse.

Jux - at least you offered the OP some advice (i.e. leave) earlier in the thread rather than just being angry and some posters and not actually advising the OP to get out.

Laurie, I'm guessing you didn't see this:

How would you like to be called a wanker and shut in a door and then told you must have driven them to it? Just no excuse and is classic victim blaming."

This man is not a victim of anyone.
He is a first class manipulator and gaslighter who is always right,
always reasonable, always calm,
always quick to judge both intention and effect on him of what she says and does,
never willing to accept his words and deeds have an effect and insisting on being judged by his intentions only, and these are always the purest of pure,
prides himself on being rational and calm,
keeps a running scoresheet demonstrating how wrong his wife is and how right he is,
wants to be right instead of being kind.
Wife 'always'..
Wife 'never'...
Husband wants to do and say whatever he feels like and she has no right to her reaction. 'I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this.' He wants her to put up and shut up, to take criticism on board and change.

...Wife on the other hand is some sort of nutcase whose words and actions have no explanation or context whatsoever besides hatred, contempt, rage and general desire to grind him into the ground.
For no reason.
Just because.

And so, Husband generates a cycle in which he will be proved right and can go on nursing his feeling of being the poor put-upon victim of a crazy harpy ad infinitum, rehashing some script he has in his head about men and women for as long as they are both willing to stay on this stupid gerbil wheel.

That is one of the most disgusting rants on a relationship I've seen on here in a while.

duplodon - i did see it. I agree it was disgraceful. I've advised the OP, as numerous others have done, to end the relationship. What advice do you have?

Sometimes it's not as simple as leaving for the people in a relationship. Sometimes a person needs time and space to get things straight in their own mind before they have the strength to leave. The OP says he loves his wife and walking away from someone you love isn't always easy even if the do make you feel like shit.
So really coming on here and saying leave then getting the hump because they don't immediately take your advice is not really helpful.

First class manipulator. I've got nothing.

OP I hope you're ok. I'm just speechless at the attitudes of some posters on here.

I haven't seen anyone get the hump because he doesn't want to leave but I might have missed a post or two if that has happened. I have seen them say that if he doesn't want to leave, that he is going to have to change his behaviour too. I don't think they were victim blaming when they were saying that; I think they were trying to give him some helpful advice that wasn't 'LTB' (which is what I think he needs to do personally). There have been a few extremely awful posts but there have also been some thoughtful ones that I hope the OP is finding helpful.

Lovespeace butterfly math, I was really beginning to wonder if I was the only one. The thing about "didn't you hear me say it" in this context sounds, blaming, critical, sanctimonious and perhaps controlling. I wish op wife would not see this thread and coincidentally start her own as I'm sure she needs it way more than he does

I don't have advice. What I feel is important is to state clearly that I believe this sort of posting is not okay, and to say it, as others have also said it, so that Husband hears that there are others who read this kind of thing and don't believe it to be true.

Reading that sort of bile about yourself when you're vulnerable and seeking support can be incredibly damaging and I think it's important that there are people here who are calling it for the hating bullshit it is. I don't much care if it's man hating or person hating, it's hating, violent, shitty communication that has no business being levelled at another human being who is confused and doesn't know what sense to make of their lives. I'm actually very sorry that anyone would be so angry and destroying that they would write in this way in this context.

I don't think you really can advise someone what to do when you know so little about their lives. I certainly don't think you can make pronouncements on who they are or what their motivations and intentions are, or should be. I think they need professional support, probably, and this is not the place for the pseudoanalysing. Mainly I think Husband just needs what everyone needs: understanding and kindness. This situation sounds incredibly painful. What can you really see, only... I see that. I see your pain. I hope you find some ease from it soon.

duplo I'm not sure I understand your post.
The OP IS entitled to be able to say how he feels wo being on the receiving end of abuse and anger. I think it's normal to expect that in a relationship you can share how you feel to your partner and you will get done moral and emotional support in return. That's one if the point of being in a relationship isn't it?

I'm a bit at loss as how it would mean that the DW is suppose to shut up and put up with it though .... That's not what I understood from the op's posts.

Just as I didn't hear that he is always calm and collected. Actually his posts reminded me of DH who will never raise his voice or look angry but will be boiling with rage inside. So a description of his actions would be like the OP. I'm talking, explaining in a calm manner. Doesn't mean he isn't angry though....

OP I'm sorry though but you can't make her change. There is nothing you can do to change her behaviour wo changing yours too. And even if you do, there is no guarantee she will change.
I know it feels negative. But whatever the outcome you will benefit from changing yourself!

Xpost duplo I think I've misunderstood your previous post.