My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

OP - I will say to you what a relate counsellor said to H - 'you are very good at this aren't you?'

And what she said to me - "His mask slipped - I saw him - I see this'

OP, sometimes I feel as if I'm an emotional punch bag for my wife - yes she has a past, some of it unpleasant to her, and, like you, I feel I get the brunt of the aggression whilst others, about whom she doesn't care, get the "mellow version". We have a child, and I occasionally have to be the buffer between mam and sprog - think long and hard before bringing a child into this relationship.
With regards to the Sunday 'phone call, I would plan it ahead, so you can say what you need to say and still remain cool. Once you have the content sorted, in your mind, or written down, I would seriously think of detaching as much as possible for the weekend up to the call - I know you said upthread you don't fancy a spell with mates, but you may find a pint or three let's you escape, even if just for a while.
Do you have a hobby, or a sport you can throw yourself into, even if excessively? Just to clear your head-funk, provide a little relief?
Oh, and Mathanxiety, your posts are appalling. I await the next unfortunate, abused woman to post here (actually, I don't - such posts show some men are utter scum, and I abhor their behaviours), just to see if you berate her for "pushing her abuser's buttons", because it wouldn't happen otherwise, would it? Bollocks.

KeepOn what do you mean?

I think she's aiming for accusing you of being a cleverly manipulative abuser

I'm glad you are back and I hope you heed the advice to get away from the house this weekend and meet some friends. Had any thoughts about phoning mankind or checking into a hotel?

I'm confused by the irrational and illogical accusations levelled at you op. First you are apparently cruelly calm, dismissive and passive aggressive, then your way of speaking to your wife is snippy... Well whatever these people think is just what they think. I'm pretty sure you know that the verbal and physical abuse you have been subjected to just isn't acceptable, ever, and I hope you see that leaving is an option. I recognise that you might not be ready yet but at least think of it as an option.

And use the space you've asked for productively to focus on you and remind yourself of who you are.

Husband99 I seem to be alone in finding the scenario where she was trying to give her mother the impression you were raising your hand to her absolutely terrifying and if my DH did that to me, I would stay well away as it is over over over - no question. You can stay and forfeit your own true personality and never grow as a person and just be a patsy for your 'D'W or leave and find someone that has a more balanced perspective on life. You can't change her and you are trying to change your responses to her and nothing works as she doesn't see a problem and has no interest in even trying to see your side - ever. Get out before you are accused of assault or worse as this is what it sounds like she is cooking up for.

BrynjalPickleDog - no, you're not alone. It's just another reason as to why she should leave and, OP, if you go to mankind you will see accounts of men who've been abused by their wives then being accused of being the abuser.

She said if you left it was over. You left. Please take this chance and end it.

This man is not a victim of anyone.
He is a first class manipulator and gaslighter who is always right,
always reasonable, always calm,
always quick to judge both intention and effect on him of what she says and does,
never willing to accept his words and deeds have an effect and insisting on being judged by his intentions only, and these are always the purest of pure,
prides himself on being rational and calm,
keeps a running scoresheet demonstrating how wrong his wife is and how right he is,
wants to be right instead of being kind.
Wife 'always'..
Wife 'never'...
Husband wants to do and say whatever he feels like and she has no right to her reaction. 'I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this.' He wants her to put up and shut up, to take criticism on board and change.

...Wife on the other hand is some sort of nutcase whose words and actions have no explanation or context whatsoever besides hatred, contempt, rage and general desire to grind him into the ground.
For no reason.
Just because.

And so, Husband generates a cycle in which he will be proved right and can go on nursing his feeling of being the poor put-upon victim of a crazy harpy ad infinitum, rehashing some script he has in his head about men and women for as long as they are both willing to stay on this stupid gerbil wheel

The person who wrote this venomous post is in far more need of help than the OP. It is utterly inhumane

Everyone is taking sides and reading into the OP's posts what they want. None of which is very helpful, IMHO. And in the end, the ones who side with the OP and those who side with his wife all agree that they are better off apart.

What worries me about all this is where is a man who is having problems with his partner supposed to post in this world?

OP, only you know if any of the things that you have been accused of are true. If they are true it would be worth getting therapy and trying to change or else you will just go from one unhappy relationship to another.

She's been like this for 4 months?? What happened 4 months ago? Sorry if I missed it.

Math is usually a steady poster so I'd have to seriously consider what she is saying -

however I don't think it's possible to really know what's going on here. I think I'm repeating myself ? but therapists train for years to sort out stuff like this, it's just impossible to really know from a few posts, one side of the story, in a jumbled order.

What if there was a small chance that absolutely everything you have read from me is 100% true . Not a manipulative perception, but the truth. And you write what you have written here in the way that you have?

Everything I have written here is true. Why 'play' anyone on in anonymous chat room? I've come for advice and support based on my situation.

Please assume the best. Sure- question if you wish. Challenge- fine. But drawing huge assumptions about my character and my situation, my role in all of this- is just not helping me. My post did ask for help .

I have come to the conclusion that am part of an abusive relationship. My mind is never closed as to why it has become like this (and therefore my contribution to it )- but even just accepting that label is a big step.

OP I think you really have to decide what you want. Gaining insight into what you want may only be achieved by trying to sit down and discuss it with your DW, however. If she flatly refuses to do that or do it in an adult and calm way, then you have to assume she is treating you like shite in order that you be the baddie and pull the plug on your marriage even though you were driven to it

She should at least do you the favour of being honest. The way forward is in discussion with her to try and get to the root of why she is behaving like this. You may have to ignore the fact she will manipulate you regarding time dates places etc (although I would certainly let that manipulation play a role in my decision making)

If you want out anyway and I think that would be the safest option for you, then take this opportunity while you are out. I can't imagine saying to my DH that if he gets in a taxi don't bother coming back but I also would never call him a wanker or verbally or physically abuse him nor him me.

Drill down to what you want in the first instance to what you want and need. If it's to separate, try to ignore the fact you are being cast in the role of abuser and see a solicitor and get that ball rolling. You won't be the first in this situation. Disengage now and move on having tried many times to discuss the lack of sensible communication. The injustice will rankle like hell for ages but at least you are able to live a normal life.
I can only speak for me but I would have got out ages ago in the face of this lot and no real rational explanation for it, or hope of getting one.
Have you ruled out that she may have met someone else and she is is doing the time honoured crappy thing of treating you badly so you will just leave. If her behaviour pattern has changed, that has to be looked at as a possible cause I would say. You may be one of many that get divorced and it turns out that the OH had been seeing someone after all. Worth a look.

Everything you have written is absolutely true as far as you are concerned. You cannot conceive of or fathom any alternative to your own pov.

Your wife's responses to you are completely inexplicable.

You have no insight into your role or what you are doing.

That is the problem here.

I hope this is helpful, but I strongly suspect that far from you mind never being closed to explanations of how your relationship ended up in the toilet, it jumps out of every post that your mind is in fact hermetically sealed against all suggestions that the problems in your relationship are anything to do with you.

Really useful, although your point on potentially cheating kills me. I want to assume this hasn't happened, but fair enough for raising it.

OP Why won't you accept that you're an abuser?
It's obvious.

My ex was abusive.
He was a man.

You're a man so you must be abusive.

I would never advise a man to post for advice on this site.

Good luck I believe you.

Is there some irony in the OPs mind being 'hermetically sealed'?

Mathanxiety I'm sorry- I am not bothered about your strong suspicions. I have a strong suspicion that you may be the sort who says 'that's just me- that's the way I am- take it or leave it'. Well if so, with the utmost of respect, I'll leave it thanks.

I for one detect a good deal of irony in the 'hermetically sealed' comment of mine being followed by:
Mathanxiety I'm sorry- I am not bothered about your strong suspicions. I have a strong suspicion that you may be the sort who says 'that's just me- that's the way I am- take it or leave it'. Well if so, with the utmost of respect, I'll leave it thanks.

Those with an eye for irony have no doubt noted that this comment of Husband's is hot on the heels of his previous assurance of having an open mind:
My mind is never closed as to why it has become like this (and therefore my contribution to it)

I only mention the possibility of her cheating as she seems to have achieved what she wanted by you leaving the matrimonial home. I am taking this from the fact that she doesn't seem at all concerned whether she gets to discuss this with you or not (I am referring to the fact that she is manipulating regarding the time/date of your discussion about the future of your marriage) and her recent behaviours (trying to make you out to be violent in her mothers house) that type of thing.
In a nutshell, if she seems happy that you are gone, there has to be a good reason for that. It could be down to your abusive nature towards her but I would say in nine out of ten cases where a woman is being abused by a man, they would relish the opportunity to sit down over a brew and tell that man exactly how his abuse of her is making her feel!!!

I am a crusty old cynic but I think part of the reason you are mystified by all this is that you are only seeing one tenth of the true picture.

As others have said, if OP was a woman posting for support he wouldn't be having his every word scrutinised and thrown back at him. OP I hope you can still take away some positive support from this and thread, and that the weekend goes as well as it can for you.

I'm sharing with you my relationship; despite some genuinely constructive advice here (thank you), patronising me is not helpful to me right now.

Please stop.

And please don't take this plea as 'gas lighting' or victimisation. Let's just keep things constructive.

CaramellaDeVille - thank you- I have. It feels a little like I am being goaded - i am mumsnet at 7am- that's not normal (for me!!!) , I can't sleep; a load of my friends are meeting up today and I'm struggling to face the day. That's where I'm at - so this stuff about 'be an adult'; put your big boy trousers on is utter shite. I'm tired. Upset. Lonely. Some people seem great at reading between some lines which are tosh, and not others.

But wait- I'm an abuser who is depressed and trying to sway you all. Utter bollocks.