My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

But what to do? I don't want any feelings of anxiety because I don't know when we are speaking on Sunday. I also don't want to get in touch to give us both space.

Just leave it be?

Can't we just agree a time. I just can't be dealing with these nonsense power games- can't we just be adults?

Thoughts?

No one can know for certain what's going on in your relationship. Your words could be a 100% accurate representation of the situation or complete fantasy. The truth is probably not as clear cut as you make out. (As an aside I'm interested to know whether you think she's changed, or whether your tolerance has waned over the years)
But...
You're not happy, she's not happy, you have no dependents so why should you stay a moment longer?
Can you list the reasons you should stay?
And do not, whatever happens, introduce a child into the mix.

She sounds like my mother. ANY criticism, however nicely phrased like , she just cannot take. EVERYthing results in 'stop being so horrible to me'. Even over a difference of opinion over something non personal. Politics say. No discussion allowed. However friendly, she just goes straight to getting upset and saying you're having an argument.

Which you'd think would indicate some insecurity and fear of conflict? Not a bit. She thrives on it. Seeks it out. It's all she knows how to do. And she's INCREDIBLY happy to dish out the most awful cruel criticism to everyone else. All the time.

Get out op. Your life will be hell. I don't know what makes these people like this but it's not worth sticking around to find out. They're very unhappy and full of self hatred, yes , but the danger is trying to pity and fix them. They're also entirely self centred and lacking in empathy.

Life with a non angry person is a revelation!

You and your wife are in negotiation/communication meltdown. There is no point even discussing what you might do to remedy this. Start separation proceedings and introduce a third party (lawyers) into your communications. This will help you gain clarity.

Husband99, are you meeting in a public place or at home? If you ask for a divorce is your wife likely to kick off and possibly attack you? I think you need to try and predict how she is going to react in order to keep safe. Just before you leave is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship as the abuser senses they are losing control.

Please look after yourself and end this marriage as quickly as possible.

The truth of the matter is your wife could make a perfectly reasonable-sounding post about the dynamics of your relationship where you are largely the villain, and we all know it.

I agree with HuftysTrain just above. You are both desperately unhappy, the whole relationship sounds awful, pitiful even.

Divorce now while you are still young and don't have children and take your time with finding new partners.

Your wife has horrendous spiralling issues. You don't need this in your life. Answer the phone to her on Sunday and speak.I suspect she will be dead calm as now she potentially has nothing she ironically has some control. Self sabotage at its finest. Please get out, this doesn't and won't ever work.

You really would be better off making your own arrangements. What does separating mean in practical terms? Will your current home need to be sold? Who gets what in terms of furniture etc?

I really think your relationship is dead in the water, and you only need to talk about practicalities.

A relationship where you have to censor yourself - even when playing a silly game - is abusive and not worth holding on to for any reason at all.

The truth of the matter is your wife could make a perfectly reasonable-sounding post about the dynamics of your relationship where you are largely the villain, and we all know it.

Yes to this.

Husband - do you actually want to split? You've left in a taxi, she told you if you left, that was it- you sent her a text saying you're not happy. What did you hope to achieve other than a split? DId you want her coming back and telling you she was wrong and you were right after all? What do you want to talk about?

If I was your wife, this would annoy me, and strike me as the ultimate in game-playing. I may be misunderstanding the situation slightly, but I would think, oh, he's buggered off in a taxi, saying he needs 'space', sent a stroppy text effectively ending the relationship - now he wants to "talk" on Sunday ?!

If you can't travel in a car together playing 20 questions without BOOM! (as you put it) then the relationship is in big trouble - and I come from a family where WW3 can break out over a game of Pictionary.

Practical advice for Sunday night.

Plan your points in advance and write them down. Spend an hour or so thinking in intensely about this today. Then put it aside and just note things if they occur to you.

Then plan a weekend doing active stuff that you want/need to do. With a mate or on your own.

In particular, make a plan of what you are doing on Sunday night. Something that is interruptible, of course, but sufficiently diverting that you are not just sitting around waiting for her to call.

SabrinnaOfDystopia Sorry- you didn't get the full picture. We were both working from her mother's house that day. Were were talking/ arguing- she asked me to leave. It was then I packed my bags and called the taxi. I then went to her and said I was leaving and that I wanted the week end to myself- it was then that the ultimatum came. She had already said just go.

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut Thank you - really useful

Seriouslyffs Your question: As an aside I'm interested to know whether you think she's changed, or whether your tolerance has waned over the years.

The reality is both. But the immediate jump to shouting and personal/ swearing insults has been there consistently for 4 months now

sleepy are...are you my sister?!

So she asked you to go, you called a taxi, then she said 'if you go that's it' And you went, then sent her the "I'm not prepared to be treated like this" text?

So do you assume you are splitting up now? Or were you calling her bluff?

Can't we just agree a time. I just can't be dealing with these nonsense power games- can't we just be adults?
You said she should let you know when she's ready to talk to you, and she said that she will. Are you saying that you wanted her to tell you a time there and then, not later? You didn't make that clear. You said she should choose when you'd talk, and now you're complaining that she gets to be the one who chooses when you'll talk. Sounds like poor communication to me, not a power game.

Grief does make people do very strange things, and they can't always see that it is related. If this behaviour is triggered/escalated by grief then getting help will be good for her and your relationship.

When I was poorly (MH poorly) it was VERY IMPORTANT for my recovery that my husband said, 'Please don't speak to me like that.' and similar. I could see that my actions were affecting him, I could see that I couldn't control myself, I could see that I needed help. I had a choice. Did I want to get better, or did I want to lose my husband?

SabrinnaOfDystopia

I don't feel it was calling any bluff- more self preservation and wanting get away from the dysfunction. I was always leaving that day anyway- the thing that changed in actual fact was that she did not come too.

When I explained I wanted time and therefore the weekend, she replied that she couldn't- she teaches a class on friday so would need to come back for that, and that it is her home too. I am not staking a claim her our home- I just wanted time. But it does bother me that the class she teaches was her priority in terms of whether she came back and not our relationship.

Who knows what I want- I am confused. I know what I don't want- which are to be shouted at and swore at. That is my line.

I love her. She has so many good qualities. I told her something fro my past and she was one of only a few people whose head did not tip to the side in sympathy. She just listened. I love that and still do- but all this hurts so much.

I hate failing too. And I am right now.

ravenmum I can see where you are coming from.

I am partly speaking from experience here. The fact that I left and have asked for time this week end will be frustrating to her; I know this. Not agreeing when we will talk is her attempt to have some control. Being intentionally vague in her response is the same.

This is someone who if I say, let's go in the living room, sit down and chat- she'll say- I'm fine here, or I can stand up if I want. Everything just becomes this pointless power struggle- the time to talk is just the same.

Husband, if you know she's like that, then why tell her to choose the time in the first place? Why not just say you'll call some time on Sunday and leave it at that? She said she'll be free Sunday evening, so you know you can call her then.

I would imagine that you both feel as if the other person is making things a power struggle, to be honest. She could complain that you always want to determine where and how you're going to talk, rather than just talking when you want to say something... she could complain that your leaving (refusing to talk now) and saying you will talk on Sunday is your attempt to have some control.

You see her as an adversary who is not acting like an adult. How will you go from that to being equally respected partners? What do you want from the phone call? How do you intend to get it?

You need to separate. I've just read your post about how she punched you in the face. On top of the door on legs, name calling and eruptions. That is all too much. Noone should be with anyone who does that, regardless of all the rest of it.

All the to-ing and fro-ing about how she is anxious, takes criticism badly...it's all irrelevant. She has been physically abusive and that is a deal breaker for anyone. You are not to think about how you can stop it happening next time. If you irritate her it should be a matter of lighthearted joking. There are some posters talking about gaslighting, which is when a partner sort of sets a trap that makes a partner react and then points out how awful they are for reacting that way. We don't know you. It could be that this is happening.

But still, it does not excuse her physical violence against you and that should be the final nail in the coffin. Physical violence includes: pushing, shoving, kicking, slamming things on you, hitting, scratching, biting, throwing things at you. And of course, being punched full in the face. No human being has the right to do this (unless in self defence) to another. It is time for you to step away. Your chat on Sunday, if I were you, should be about how you are going to handle the separation.

Yes agree - you need to separate. She has been violent to you on a number of occasions. You need to separate. The rest is irrelevant...

… however, even if she weren't violent towards you, you do not make each other happy, you are not compatible and you need to separate now for both your sakes.

She punched him in the face? Talk about drip feeding ... starting to think this is a wind up after all.

Thanks for clarifying gas lighting- I didn't know what this was.

Who knows if you believe me- but this isn't me.