My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

My DH's ex is just like your wife. Her temper is horrendous and nobody should ever have to live in such a difficult, volatile marriage. My DH often refers to his 'escape' and says that getting divorced from his ex was the best thing he ever did. (His ex has remained single as nobody can cope with her moods and bursts of anger)

Husband99, you deserve so much better and I hope you soon leave this marriage for good.

I would say she is unhappy, doesn't know what she actually wants out of life, feels she doesn't have what she needs, if you were as irritating to her as she makes out (by her always getting over angry) she would up and leave.
But she can't up and leave because she would face life as a single person and she doesn't know what she wants, nor does she know how to get it and is probably frightened of being on her own. Also can't admit to failings.
Did her parents have a happy relationship?

Possibly if you left her she would be forced to face her demons and might sort herself out, or she might grab the next available bloke and do it all again.

She has said she feels inferior to me intellectually. This is not true-

Her feelings are true.

Why do you argue with her about her feelings?

Why are you trying to convince her that her perception is off?

This is why she calls you a wanker.

We are different in so many ways. When her nephew was born I knew that she washed her hair that morning as she would have her photo taken with the baby. I said nothing- but that is just not me.

These are just a few examples of things that show deep insecurity- I am not oblivious to this, and you just have to trust me that I do not play up to them.

OMG.

Do you seriously think that only insecure women want to look good in photos? Or only insecure women wash their hair to make it look good?

Do you haul her over the coals for what you perceive as insecurity?

What do you mean when you say you do not 'play up' to her insecurities?

mathanxiety I am really sorry - I confronting that- I WAS called a wanker for no reason. We were playing 20 questions for goodness sake! As I have said above, I would be mortified if I lost my patience during a game to kill time on a car journey and called my wife a bitch. Mortified.

What tone of voice were you using during the game?
Did you roll your eyes?
Did you use any terms that could possibly be interpreted as patronising?

Why were you playing a game involving intellect when you state you know your wife considers herself intellectually inferior to you?

Why not just chat or listen to the radio?

The holier than thou 'mortified' times two bit makes you sound quite sanctimonious on top of everything else I suspect about you.

Again, you are determined not to address your wife's feelings here. You assume bad faith on her part and refuse to look at anything you may have said or done that resulted in feelings she expressed by calling you a wanker.

If she perceives something as criticism she gets angry (as described) or withdraws and won't commit to talking. It feels like she uses that as a weapon- the withdrawing I mean. For me, this is about her need/ want to control- but she would flat out deny this. If we talk, it is when circumstances are right for her- ALWAYS.

And yet when you plugged in your ipad, blanked her out and started listening to music, this was perfectly fine because your intentions were unimpeachable.
This has nothing to do with your need to control. You deny this.
And it has nothing whatsoever to do with your desire to be judged on your intentions and not on the effect you are having on her. Unthinkable.

But when she withdraws and won't talk, her intention is clearly to use withdrawal as a weapon.

Yes I have rtft, Nolim, with mouth agape and astonished at what I am reading, with the exception of a few posts from Madwoman and some others.

What I see is a man who has zero by way of emotional intelligence.

I bet you're both tetchy... you just don't want to see it. I'm not saying you're in the wrong. But it sounds as if you two just don't like each other. Your wife's behaviour has "I'm not happy here" written all over it. And you don't sound happy either. What's in it for you?
What's the solution?
Counseling or divorce. Sorry buddy, it's one or the other. You both need some input and guidance OR release one another from what sounds like an incredibly unhappy union. I don't think this will work itself out on its own.

Now, i know!...why the hell did I choose to say 'i shouted out to you that I had'...why not just say 'yes, got it'?- but that was not a choice on my part- I just said it. Not intentionally to wind up.

I just don't feel that warrants a big argument- who cares?

She cares.

Does it occur to her that she didn't hear you when you shouted out?

Maybe she was preoccupied with whatever she was doing when you shouted out?

Again you state what your intention was and you refuse to accept that what you chose to say had an effect on her. You say 'who cares?' as if her feelings don't matter to you at all.

Does it occur to her = does it occur to you

This is victim blaming bullshit math anxiety. If you have read the thread and are responding like this with multiple angry posts, why is that?

I have read all of this thread, and Husband99, you come across as entirely and unreasonably controlling.
Your wife must listen to you.
She must reflect calmly and see that you are right.
She may not withdraw from your lectures, she may not get angry. She is not allowed her own feelings, emotions, frustrations unless you believe they are valid.
She's not allowed to wash her hair or move a baby FFS.
Yet here you are, playing the emotionally and physically abused but loving husband - and none of it is your fault - or you'd apologise being the perfect, intelligent and all round nice guy.

Extreme manipulation. I recognise it well. I hope for your wife's sake you split up.

I agree with math and madwoman .
I grew up with this constant criticism/ correction. It is soul-destroying.
And the 20 questions thing does sound patronising to me.
I know she shouldn't have resorted to insults, but I also suspect if she had calmly and politely said she felt patronised, you would have lectured her on why she Is Wrong And Needs You To Tell Her How It Is. As math said, she is not allowed her own feelings and perceptions. I suspect that has happened umpteen times and she's sick of it and driven to anger. Gaslighting - which this is - does drive people to what seem like irrational and extreme reactions.

Also agree with Lovespeace.

He's never said he expects her to agree. He's simply said he wants to be able to raise things (reasonably or unreasonably as normal people should be able to do) without fearing an angry backlash with a risk of verbal and physical assaults...

What planet are some of you on?!

He's not even saying she always has to be reasonable and calm. He is saying she never is and it is negatively affecting him...

Can't believe what some people read into things...

And it certainly isn't unreasonable to expect someone not act on their frustrations and feelings by being verbally and physically abusive.

I am just agog as to how you can decide that he has to accommodate verbal and physical assaults from his wife as he must have driven her to it but she has no responsibility for how her behaviour is clearly making him feel.

How would you like to be called a wanker and shut in a door and then told you must have driven them to it? Just no excuse and is classic victim blaming.

And I think washing your hair to look good in family photos of your brother's new baby is a sign of insecurity. Self-involved insecurity to boot. Who actually does that and why? Sounds like those women who get up an hour earlier than their partner so they will never see them without makeup. No-one cares how the aunt looks in the pictures, apart from perhaps the new parents who could potentially be caused to fee quite shit by being faced with a primped and preened childless aunt when they are struggling with a newborn.

My posts are not 'multiple angry posts'.

They are posts that come one after the other so that what I have to say on each quote from Husband can be seen clearly and not lost in a longer single post.

This man is not a victim of anything or anyone.

YYY to gaslighting and manipulation and all of what LovesPeace posted.

And I think washing your hair to look good in family photos of your brother's new baby is a sign of insecurity. Self-involved insecurity to boot. Who actually does that and why? Sounds like those women who get up an hour earlier than their partner so they will never see them without makeup. No-one cares how the aunt looks in the pictures, apart from perhaps the new parents who could potentially be caused to fee quite shit by being faced with a primped and preened childless aunt when they are struggling with a newborn.

What bullshit you post, Offred.

'those women' ????

'Who actually does that and why?'
People who have simple self respect wash their hair and take care it looks good when they know there will be a photo taken.

Maybe this is something people who are bald don't have to think about much, or people whose hair is very close cropped, or people whose idea of a hairstyle is 'number four clippers all over please'.

Again, we see the dismissing of other people's feelings.
'No-one cares how the aunt looks...'
Well yes, someone cares. The aunt cares.

Newsflash -- women care how they look.
If you think they don't then you have a lot to learn. If you think women who are ok with others seeing them without makeup don't care how they look, you are wrong, They are simply satisfied that they look good without makeup.

lol I prefer to wash my hair every morning. How ridiculous of me! Insecure or just someone who has limp, greasy, fine hair that needs washing daily?
It was a bad example, but is that the best you've got? TBH non of the examples I've seen so far make your case well.

primped and preened childless aunt?

Im childless Offred. My family had a big photo taken way back in 1993.

It was expected that people make an effort with their appearance as the photo was going to be hanging on my grandparents wall for years to come.

And what has what the OPs DW does in her own bathroom got to do with someone elses choice to have a child.

Ive been on many threads on here objecting to women having to pay for things like the Child Maintanance Service. And i will keep objecting because its unfair sexist and misogynistic.

But some of the disparaging comments i see about childless women on here sometimes does rankle.

Math those posts are based entirely on speculation and not on anything that has been actually said on the thread. I'm not sure there is any reason to speculate either other than gender bias which makes me sad. A lot of your posts have picked apart motives you have read into his words and assumed - why? What part of you finds it hard to believe this poster is being subjected to abuse and why?

No, washing your hair because it is dirty or because the photo is meant to be a special one and everyone is expected to look good is a totally different thing...

And of course it is relevant that she is childless - that's why it could be upsetting - pushing it in someone's face that you have time to be concerned about how you look...