HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Certainly in the context of divorce if they have a reduction in income they have to prove why. if for example they are made redundant they have to prove that they are taking steps to obtain further employment it's not good enough in the courts eyes to work less simply because he fancies it. I imagine it would be the same deal if he applied to reduce an existing court order. Definitely get it sorted whilst he's feeling generous and try a different solicitor. Yes it takes time and you shouldnt be in this position in the first place but you'll be pleased you spent the time on it in years to come. I must say I do admire your no nonsense attitude with him after all why should they assume that the mum will care for the children when they swan off they are their equal responsibility too.

Tabby it really helps, hearing some of this legal stuff from you. I've been really worried because at the minute the majority of my income is via disabty benefits and to be honest the way things are going ( pip etc) I could find myself really on the streets.last child will be gone in 3 years and then I truly am 'up shit creek' and through no fault of my own. I cannot get a mortgage, family home will have to be sold and all we have is debt ( thanks to his wannabe flashy lifestyle ). I am so scared about the pension thing because if I don't get it until 55 I need a good spousal maintenance agreement in place. You mentioned about them moving in and becoming higher earners, which my h will do. It's all about him and s taste of the highlife in his current job has made him even more greedily intent ( at the expense of his marriage and kids ) to keep clawing his way higher. Retiring at 49 in 6 years will set him up to take on his new life in "whatever gives the bastard more power and even more money" . I'm just wondering then if I can go knocking and say "remember me? The woman who supported you and looked after the kids while you did those degrees and international courses !"....Jesus I feel so used and insecure right now.I knew just by him showing up and cutting the grass he would get to me... And he has, feeling very vulnerable and worried about the future

THEN when they do reply it is in some frigging workplace type language as if they are SUPER REASONABLE. Knob

Oh snap! He calls it professional.

Well the professional one has completely ignored my email but sent me one about something else. Expecting me to let him know when such and such has arrived. Well as I see it, if the big boss man can't be arsed to reply to stuff, he can be sure the office junior will be doing nowt too. Computer says no.

Hi what it's still very early days for you, but I agree with WWK and Tabs to strike while the iron is hot, < and he has a slight conscience> to sort the finances.

I am lucky, in that my best friend is a shit hot family solicitor, so she has advised me all the way through without charging any costs. I didn't "click" with my solicitor either, so will just get her to process the consent order.
It's very important to get the wording right, as future claims etc, will hinge on the correct interpretation of it.

Try another solicitor, have any friends or family used one that they would recommend? Most are fairly formal tbh, it comes with the territory, try a female one, < although mine is, and not particularly sympathetic >
At the end of the day it's a job to them isn't it? It's not their life that's been turned upside down, if they are calm and professional, that makes it easier for you deal with this horrible process.

You are showing a lot of strength and courage in a very stressful time, take care of yourself, and your lovely little ones.

A few months ago I would have been in a right state about his behaviour. Now I've vented to someone I just find it mildly ridiculous. I'm playing the long game by ignoring it although I do rather have a teensy big urge to just email him to say "fuck off you twat". But no, I will have to get that message across in more subtle ways.

Sorry Iget I can't remember if you have a solicitor but one would be invaluable to make sure the wording of any order is right as Hobbit says. It's sounds like you have a good case for pension sharing if his pension is worth a fair bit and spousal maintenance. Having seen the process through to the end with an ex who tried all the tricks I've picked up a fair bit of knowledge I even learnt a lot from he barrister that I hadnt realised before.

Izzie he is such a knob.

whatyousee the first lawyer I saw freaked me out and tried to scare me into starting divorce....( or maybe it was me at the time - early on) Saw another one last week ( female) and it was much more chatty - she gave me some good advice , didn't scare me and said if it is OK as it is for now then just leave it OR if I wanted to start then let her know...

izzie yeah he just replied with a "it's in my diary to do" WTF ? Like how he used to have to write himself a reminder to collect our son ? Sometimes some of us just KNOW what has to be done without running it like an effing office where they are Head Boy!

Yep, izzie play the long game, get all your ducks in a row, and then when everything is finalised, you can let rip!

That's what I'm going to do, that's if I don't spontaneously combust with rage by then.

Have you decided what to do yet, wise my love?
Are you going to start instructing your sol ?

Be careful of waiting too long, twunts can be unpredictable.....

Getting things organised hobbit it's an unusual situation - not the usual OW scenario ..££ things to get seen to too...

My lovely dd is home, with a bag full of muddy wet washing :) And another child's muddy wet washing :)

A takeaway and an early night I think.

No word from H who is apparently taking her out for the day tomorrow but hasn't arranged a time to pick her up or discussed where they might go as yet. It's it just that he's useless at making plans or is this game playing? Who knows. I forwarded him a message from school to say they'd arrived and he didn't acknowledge it so i won't bother letting him know she's back, we can all play games.

braving I know what you mean. I've had two emails from Planet Dickhead. Both very pleasant. But neither refer to my question from yesterday. So no I won't be letting him know when such and such arrives. I don't want him to think I am more efficient than him do u?? I feel it is my duty to allow him his pomposity. I meantime will carry on with my life and be my usual inefficient self as regards paperwork. I will step up when I need to. But office is now closed. Computer says no. Or it would do if I switched it on. Silly me! So whether it's a case of game playing or dickheadedness who cares.

The phrase reap what you sow comes to mind

Just had a message asking if she's had a nice time, i replied pleasantly and then enquired about his plans for tomorrow, and apparently he was thinking about seeing her on Sunday instead as that would be easier for him. Not sure when he was planning to tell us.

Well we have plans for sunday, so he's not seeing her at all this weekend because he's on nights. Twat.

Unfortunately for him she's not remotely bothered.

Izzie what is it with them not answering our questions but then emailing their own ? I am now merely treated as a criminal he would investigate.

Braving that's so typical that they think our lives and plans should revolve around them. MAR saw dd for approx 3 minutes after cutting grass last night, after having asked dd to go to cinema with me this weekend of course he weighs in and asks her if she'd like to go with him tonight ! Thoughtless at least.
Tabby yes I have a solicitor ( that I like) and the only thing there is for me is half his pension. She has told me to go away and ignore him both physically ( hard to do when he owns half the house and comes in as he pleases) and legally for now... Meant In the nicest possible way. She has said basically it's too early for him to force me to sell the house and by ignoring his pathetic attempts to scare me out, she thinks will wind him up more into showing his true nature. He is a clever f*r though and knows how far to push and when. Apparently she is very good ( WA told me ) and that is reassuring. Also the fact that she doesn't listen to my problems and honestly told me that she doesn't want me to run up bills just over rows. She'd rather put the hard work in when it's really needed... So for now I'm not sure what way pension will be worked. I know about pension pot etc but it's when it pays out and if J can stake a claim to any salary after his retirement at 49 if it's going to be another high salary with another pension. Clearly he doesn't intend to retire from working but wants a better and equally as well paid job ( which I believe I've suffered and supported him through the training for ). I think it's because it's all so uncertain. Ideally I would rent somewhere so that it's a safe place for me that he can't get to me, but because of the debt he got us into Ill not be able to get a mortgage until at least I get half his pension. I know I'm maybe looking too far ahead but Jeez it's hard living in this house full of memories of better times !
Why I hope you're ok sweetie ?

Right, well I've spoken to him and I've had enough now. I've told him I want a divorce. I followed it up with an email saying I want the pension info he has already obtained, together with details of share holdings. I also told him that he can collect his credit card, for which I am the authorised user, together with his possessions, as I will be preparing the house for sale. Fuck it, that bastard thinks he can dictate what info he gives, what info he receives. I can't bear him. The sooner I am away from him the better. He will never set foot over my threshold. Ive made it clear to him I want a property in my name only. Previously we talked about maybe keeping him on the deeds. Absolutely no way! His days of control are well and truly over

Iget We've spoken about moving and a fresh start (we bring me and dd now) but dd doesn't really want to and it doesn't make sense financially, so we're stuck here really. There's some work I want to do which will increase the house value, so maybe in the future. Once we get the finances sorted and the house is mine I'll do some decorating and start to make some cosmetic changes.

Luckily H doesn't let himself in now, he knocks and waits to be let in when he picks up dd and didn't seem interested in taking ddog or now, I'd like to ask him for his key but have resisted. He seems to have taken a key to the shed though so I do need to get a new padlock.

Izzie Well done, I'm the same I want a clean break, unfortunately i can't get H to shift his crap, it'll be going to a car boot sale if it's not gone by the time the mortgage sorted.

Still waiting for his pension info .

I reckon he will delay and I won't get any of the info he already has. I don't think he actually wants a financial settlement yet. He's come back to me telling me to continue using his credit card! This after he made a big thing about how generous he was ,eating me use it. I know exactly why he wants me to use it. Anyway, he came up with some crap about how he would have to closely monitor the bank account if I didn't use it. My reply, oh don't worry, I will do that for the last few months, and it will save him time and effort having to forward me the statements. Yes, go, izzie!

Letting, not eating

Evening all...first glass of wine in nearly a week. Lovely. Will post a bit more later, especiallly about chattels their crap

He's now demanding I use the credit card. I've again come back with, no I don't want to take up any of your time, I will deal with the bank account. I've also mentioned the house will be in a marketable state by the end of summer but I will need additional time to clear and sort and look for another property, and I assume the timescale is suitable? He never in a million years expected me to bloody sell up! He thought he would retain control. He grossly underestimated me.

Stay strong Izzie

Izzie I wish had your balks of steel !! I can't understand why he would rather you use a credit card, or am I missing something obvious ?

Braving He wants to keep the house on and move in so it's really a waiting game. He tried to evict me lol, didn't work, then he wanted the estate agent in to value it ( and me pay half ! ) then he said he couldn't afford a place of his own and ideally would move back in here but as he's refusing to go through my solicitor ( he can't afford the bill ) we're at stalemate. There's no way it would sell for its true value as it needs work done but 1. He won't/can't pay for this. 2. He thinks I should pay and 3. He has never cared or paid for anything in this house and I paid to make it the home it is now so don't see why he should get to move in, keep my dd here and buck me out !!
I actually wish I could drink MrsC but when I taste it, usually I don't want it any more.... Plus I got sick of alcohol turning him into an even nastier version of the controlling MAR he is