HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Iget What I've realised is that before, while you were still in a relationship with them, you took all their behaviour as a package deal, you got the good bits so you ignored/tolerated/didn't notice the bad parts, unfortunately now the bad part is all you get, because the relationship isn't there.

I'm not sure that made sense to anyone except me :)

Anyone spot the similarities here

whyme...what your counsellor said...mine said the same and I said much the same as you. I realised quite early on that he wasn't quite right but made my vows and supported him whatever. To be treated like garbage in return hurts, so much.

SHIT THIS IS HARD...have had a bad day today and feel crap tonight. My brother has had major surgery today and is very poorly, he has a very small DD and is getting married in December, obviously a very worrying time. My DD has also been referred for surgery today and will go into hospital in about 3 months time for a procedure that will require a stay of about a week and then she will be out of action for about 2 or 3 weeks afterwards. That is going to be difficult.

I went on my regular ASD course today and I am SO JEALOUS of the other Mums and their supportive husbands, father's who are interested in helping their children. I felt so very alone there today, I get nothing from him, no support, no help, he hasn't done a single course and I feel the odd one out trying to carry it all on my own. DS was with ex today because of this, we had a load of fuckwittery from ex this morning for no reason whatsoever, and then DS returns completely subdued, totally opposite to how he was yesterday and then wets himself! He never does that, ever. We have a very long winded routine in the evening to get through bathing, teeth brushing and he wants to sit and tell me about his day. He didn't this evening, I have no idea what has happened, and I don't push him or question him. I imagine it will come out over the next day or two. He will tell his "friend I can't see" which is how I normally find out about things that are bothering him. It frightens me, the effects of all of this on him.

Why the fuck couldn't that nasty, vindictive cow stay away from my husband? Why did she think it was ever OK to destroy an entire family. I know it takes two to tango and he's been an unfaithful twat throughout our marriage but WHY would you, as a woman, do that when you know there is a small child involved, especially one with the difficulties DS has? I just can't get my head around it, I really can't.

So, today has been a bit of a crap day all round. Tomorrow will be better. Apologies for ranting, needed to get that off my chest and now need to start the evening clear up and chores, I hate hate hate doing all of this on my own, I didn't sign up for this...I really didn't

Braving what you mean is that there are no longer any redeeming features. Unless they were to die

Makes total sense to me Braving. We married for better or for worse, didn't realise how much worse they could be...

Then we get to divorce - and their behaviour is then even worse than you could imagine.

Izzie really looking forward to those days and I actually do feel like I'm making some small progress. I hope you're ok ?
Maybe he thought I would remain constantly weak and I would like to think that my newly found independence has pissed him off but that would imply he gives a damn ...
Roz have you ever heard of EMDR ? Have a wee look at what it's about. I had ptsd a number of years ago following a bad rta and then on discovering the brain tumour. I saw a psychiatrist who specialises in trauma treatment and the results were amazing. It really got rid of a lot of messed up feelings about what had happened to me. Funny, at that time I didn't realise I was actually sleeping with the biggest emotional problem. Have a think about it anyway

MrsC have a good rant on here. And don't ever apologise for doing so. I take my hat off to you for dealing with your DS by yourself, which must be exhausting, however lovely he undoubtedly is. And then have to deal with all the shit on top of it.....I think you are very entitled to have a mega rant, izzie style.

Iget oh it will piss him off, your new independence. So it's a double bonus. And yes I'm ok, thanks, just a minor thing. I just have a very low tolerance threshold for pompous entitled twats.

Thanks iget, that might be very helpful. Been reading up about it.

Marking my place.

No riddles and no " not making sense" - it all resonates ! Rant away, Ladies !

You are right wise, it's all fuckwittery, whatever the actual scenario

I used to receive email alerts whenever there was a new post on the thread. Now I'm only getting them for PMs. I've checked all my settings for email, plus the MN stuff,but can't work out why. I'm getting very frustrated. is anyone else having the same problem?

I am Izzie, I have had no alerts for about 48 hours.

Well whatever else may have happened tonight, I managed to cut the grass, DS1 cooked for me, and the pompous twat hasn't goaded me into a row with his PA behaviour. I find PA the lowest of the low, carried out by people not man enough to turn round and be an out and out bastard. Yeah that's him, hiding behind his thin veneer of respectability. Little man indeed. Only seven months ago he expressed a "genuine" wish for us to be friends, and didn't want it to be "a forlone hope". Fucking dickhead.

Ah MrsC that's ok then, I thought it was just me. Thanks

Forlorn, not forlone. Omg I'm losing the ability to spell.

I am so fed up typing on phone and then hitting the wrong button and losing everything arrrrrrgh.
Roz yep give it a think over. It really helped me get over some fairly traumatic events... Mind you this process is worse than all of that put together !
Izzie mine said that too... At the start it was all, please assure your Dad I will take care of you and you deserve half my pension etc etc, I just want you to be good and happy and I know we'll come out the other side as friends..... Um no we won't !
Not when you ripped out my heart, tried to take my daughter and my home from me and abandoned your ds. God love the next woman, she'd need to have money cos he's got none! lol

Oh I'm not the only one who has no choice but the benefit route then? My STBEH used to mock "benefit mums" but apparently it's perfectly ok for him to pay me so little I will have no choice? He very kindly gave me all the details and told me how "well off" I would be with them. And that in a few years time I can go back to work full time and earn loads apparently. Not quite sure what he thinks I will be able to earn loads for? Or how I will be able to earn loads when I will be shelling out so much for childcare?

I have sat my DDs down and made it quite clear to them that they are never to give up their careers to be a SAHM, that I will help them any way I can. I don't want their lives to be like this :(

Morning all.

what all the possibilities have to be through through in advance (which is why legal input can be really helpful) however, when there's young children involved having a 'deferred clean break' is usually advisable.

For example, if he cannot currently pay much to support his children, say for example, he's actively hiding his earnings, or not working to his maximum capacity, then a nominal order of 5p a year is written into this. This allows the full time parent to then go back to court in the future and ask for more if/when circumstances change. For example they go on to win the lottery, or get a movie-star wages job.

It is nearly impossible to change a consent order unless the clauses in it specifically allow you to do so. Of course, as consenting adults you can both change it if you both agree - but that relies on him wanting to put his children's needs first. There is a special breed of fuckwits that cannot do that.

I bloody hate when they do not do things that you have asked - e.g. council charge reduction, change names on utility bills etc. Mine is a non communicator ( as opposed to the hassle that some of you ladies get) - too busy "trying to find a happy life" - so wasteful with money and doesn't seem to care ( oh well HE was the one who worked all his life wanker ) THEN when they do reply it is in some frigging workplace type language as if they are SUPER REASONABLE. Knob!

I've been asking for the sky account top be put into my name for weeks, unless doing something results in him not having to pay anymore it doesn't get done.

Future changes to court orders have to go through the court but as WWK says you need the correct clauses to be written in to allow you to do that. If you are thinking of a separation agreement then it all gets revisited when you divorce. If you are going straight for divorce it will all get sorted as part of the process but the housing needs of your DC will be of top importance so its unlikely they would expect you to relocate from the SE if he has the money to help you remain living there. Your friends may have their whole lives on spreadsheets but they don't have legal knowledge. The advice of a solicitor will save you more than it costs to help you avoid pitfalls.