HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Credit card gets repaid in full every month. And that works fine. But if this month I start spending on the current account instead of the credit card it effectively men's double spending that month, so pressure on the account.

Anyway he's turning nasty now. Will put the email onto here in a mo. I'm staying calm to him. And then I will send transcripts to his family.

Hi all - just trying to catch up again - i am so up & down at the moment cant seem to keep on top of anything - i have zero interest in keeping the house tidy and the garden is getting more & more overgrown.

why the stress you carry in your body - i am like this too - can feel it in my face - the kids can see it.

1 - i hope you manage to get things sorted without court - I would love to know what is the justification behind my X's behaviour - i can remember posting long ago that it was good for his ego that he could have a wife at home doing all the kid & house stuff - until I was surplus to his requirements - somehow I think we must be a threat too them.

not sure who said they will make sure their daughters are self sufficient but totally agree on this - I have just read yesterdays article in DM about adult children still being affected by divorce in their late 30's and 50's and how one woman has now lost the chance to have her DF walk her down the aisle because she felt she had to support her DM. been thinking about my own DD - will she want her DF to do this if she decides to get married - how can this not tarnish their beliefs in some way.

bobs i too was self sufficient before marriage - and after 20 years no idea what my prospects are work wise - so guess I will be joining you in those lowly paid jobs

had another "stunt" today - water bill turned up "welcome to your new home" - guess this is something else the C88T is expecting me to pay for now having removed himself.

I need to look into tax credits and child maintenance - you ladies izzie particularly need to gen up on what to do re pension - think you have said maybe worth waiting til retirement on this rather than taking cash benefit now. its been suggested maybe worth getting an actuarial assessment done on X's - anyone done this?

tabby these cheating bastards exactly what they are.

my hairdresser said to me today he cant understand how these men have so much hate for the mothers of their kids and without thinking i just said it must be how they feel about themselves really and have to project it out - when you feel true happiness thats all you can project. X still hasnt said anything and we share the same hairdresser - so bizarre.

iget in some ways you're lucky he has cut the grass - like toast I am now supposed to do everything - you know there is something in the fact that lots of these men left behind unfinished household responsibilities - should be a red flag!

had interesting experience yesterday - had to ask SB to do a job for me as couldnt do it on my own and all the time he was doing it could feel my anxiety levels going up - realised that this was due to X - if it had been him doing job it would have been under duress and he would have tried to rope DS in which would have ended up in more arguments and a job being done badly. this is how EA affects you - your body automatically goes into a "warning" mode as it knows the situation may be "danger".

Igey Similar situation here, H has never been interested in doing anything to the house so it's valuation is lower than you'd expect, which is good in terms of buying him out, but means I'll have to do the work myself and fund it myself. Now there's just me responsible for the house on one income I feel I can't take the risk of leaving things, and potentially having to do emergency repairs.

I'm getting quotes at the moment so once I know where I am mortgage wise I can decide what I can afford to do through borrowing on the mortgage and what I'll have to save up for. I realise I'm lucky to be in a position to be able to Buy him out, but this does rely on him taking a reasonable percentage of the equity, or I'll be overstretched on the mortgage.

roz your body is telling you it needs to rest - take some time out before Monday

mrsc for you for yesterday I hate hate hate doing all of this on my own, I didn't sign up for this...I really didn't me too - I am just about to refer my DS to PCAMHS as X will not pay for the private Psychologist that he was seeing.

They really have no idea of the damage they are doing - this makes my piss boil (ref hobbit) more than anything else - that there are kids involved - they do not deserve to be "dad".

wise our twunts are twins then - im sure there are 2 sets of emails for all our communication - the ones between just us and the ones meant for his solicitor also in super reasonable work place type language

braving unless doing something results in him not having to pay anymore it doesn't get done this must be out of the Twunts book too then.

what It seems awful that two people who were once, not long ago, absolutely on the same team might have to get a judge to sort out their finances! My fear is that he will be fine right now but further down the line when he gets bored of being broke and OW wants him to buy houses / take holidays / support her DD and any DCs they have he'll pull away - this is why I had to push for divorce and get things moving - you have no idea how their circumstances may change - My X said he would "keep everything the same for the kids" yeah right - im so glad I didn't beleive him on this as much as I would have liked too! I had my DF telling me I had to do this to protect myself and kids!

izzie - i suspected your twunt would turn nasty - keep ranting on here we are all here for you

I am supposed to be going out tonight but for the first time dont actually feel like it - what is wrong with me?

He's had a few letters this week from the bank. I haven't opened them (joint account but I never use it, he does and bills come out of there). Gave them to him yesterday. Another one came today which I opened....4 direct debits have bounced. I guess this is what the other letters where about to.

Where the fuck has all the money gone???

I won't put the emails on thread, but basically he's threatened to freeze the bank accounts, as many others have advised him. Yeah I don't think so! He said I will have to open another account and he will pay me something each months and I will have to manage, as others do. So I asked him to confirm he was doing this and why. His answer because I would seriously destabilise the account by not using his credit card etc. so I came back with how I was going to do it and it wasn't a problem, but that there was a considerable amount of our sons cash in those accounts, which would be frozen. He said yes it was all my fault!! Fucking priceless. So I then replied

"So you are telling me that because I choose not to use your credit card, you are taking action to freeze bank accounts, and that you are going to deny our sons access to their money? And that furthermore you are demanding that I open a new bank account and that you will unilaterally decide how much you will give me to support our sons? And that utility bills will go unpaid?

Would not the sensible route be to head toward divorce and a financial settlement instead of running up unnecessary penalty charges and a bad credit record for unpaid utility bills in your name by freezing the bank accounts?

I assumed that after seven months you would want to take the next logical step""

He previously to that said he would freeze the accounts unless he saw I was using the credit card and then said he was busy, unlike me!

Separately he sent me copies of bank statements. I replied;

"Thank you for copies of the bank statements. However as you have decided to freeze the bank accounts, it seems somewhat academic now.

There will of course be considerable extra interest charges being run up on the holiday homemortgage, as no doubt that mortgage too will go unpaid. As you know from your banking days, all payments out are frozen. It would seem that the credit reference agencies will have a lot of updating to do"

He can't afford to get himself into financial difficu,ties due to the nature of his current employment

I'm staying calm. He is well rattled. I will go to his father if he cuts me off financially, he said he would help. And my sons can help out. He won't do it, he's just fucking annoyed that he can't control things.

If by any chance he does freeze the accounts, my eldest will go nuts and demand the return of his and his brother's money, which is a fucking lot!

Ah yes I remember now Iget Ive been getting confused with everyones name changes wouldnt get me doing that what is the thinking behind winding him up to show his true colours? My ex acted extremely badly in every way possible during the process but apart from a dressing down by the judge it doesn't affect the finances at all except when they try to lie but it's obvious that they're lying so the judge just believes your version of the facts instead. If he thinks he can afford to keep the house on then why shouldn't he keep it on with you living there instead of him? I think he's got a shock coming to him.

Izzie Hi five and all that shit, they all turn into No.6's or cunts when you start thinking for yourself, well done you [beer] [gigilo]

When he says many others have advised him that'll just be OW. Maybe it's time to issue an unreasonable behaviour petition to get it all sorted officially and put a stop to his control?

tabby I'm with you on that one

toast get your name off that joint account. You are liable for the debts too. The bank can come after whoever they want, either of you, both of you, their choice. Doesn't matter who ran up the debts. It's called joint and several,liability. I used to work for a bank. Say nothing to him about it, he may not realise. Box clever there.

Just checked the last statement I have, from 2 months ago, when he had his £25k bonus sitting in there.

He's being an idiot if he thinks he can hide this stuff, he will have to prove where it's all gone!

How do I take my name off? And the problem with that is I use the account only for cheques, so what will I do about things that need paying in that way (tutor etc)? I don't have enough cash per month to do that, he pays the credit card bill (food etc) and gives me £100 a month.

toast I pay everything with the credit card apparently essentials are ok to stick on there, does worry me but hey ho

Had so look out, get a bit fighty, sorry

Oh I stick everything I can on there, because that's what I've always done and until the finances are sorted I don't think that should change. But I write cheques every month for maths tutor, singing lessons (DDs not me!), occasional riding lesson and school events.

Toast I'm no expert but I'd be getting things sorted legally and finally asap, this is no way to carry on he's got far too much control. You need to know what you've got coming in and going out, it would drive me crazy if H had any control over my expenditure.

Luckily the bank will limit what he can run up debt wise in terms of overdrafts on your joint account and any debts he commits to now will be in his name only and provided you don't benefit from the debt, e.g. he buys a car and you drive it day to day you shouldn't be liable, assuming my solicitor knows what he's talking about.

Toast was advised by my sol (whether it right or wrong) sure wwk will put it right but spending on credit card for essentials is split in the financial war, feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants as I never lived like it before but its a whole new world this divorce lark eh

If he would sort out his form e it would help but in the last month he "hasn't had time".

And I'm presuming the bank can see if he is using his bank card as opposed to me (not that I know where mine even is!!)

I have no income to pay the credit card bills until he pays me maintenance so I'm not sure how it could be split?

Toast they seem to have loads of cash and expect you to live on fresh air ask wwk live on a prayer thats how we survive

The mediator didn't mention splitting the credit card bills. I'm not living it up on them, just food, clothes for DDs, pet and family stuff.

toast you have to be able to trust him financially. He can apply for an overdraft on that account. It doesn't need two to apply. If it's running nicely in credit, then by all means make the most of it. If however he's one for getting into debt, then ask the bank if they will agree to take your name off. If it's overdrawn, they will decide whether or not to allow that. I haven't read a number of the posts about the account, I just saw one that said that the account was overdrawn, so I assumed the worst

It's never been overdrawn, he used to watch it like a hawk. That's what I don't understand. The thing is we have declared all our savings etc to the mediator so I'm guessing he can't start running up huge bills? But I have no idea. I know he now has the statements sent to him, but obviously the letters still come here.

When he says many others have advised him that'll just be OW

Exactly! I texted "I am intrigued to know what sort of people advise you to freeze bank accounts and to effectively make life as awkward as possible for your ex wife. Clearly people with an axe to grind still" He said that allsorts do, lots of horror stories. Reasonable people. So I replied "Reasonable people don't act like that. Or advise you to act like that. But if you feel that's how you want it to be, well so be it. It just proves that you really have changed beyond all recognition from the decent man who would have honoured his commitment to a fair and decent settlement making it as stress free as possible. That's what you said seven months ago. How times change. "

Surely reasonable people act in a reasonable way? I reckon it's just OW.